


Mind Over Matter

by MaresThird



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Cults, F/F, Past Child Abuse, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-24 16:47:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 84,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14958360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaresThird/pseuds/MaresThird
Summary: Tobin finds herself sent to a religious camp in hopes her feelings towards liking girls changes. While she's there, she and her friends reflect on the past years that lead them to this situation.Will Tobin give in to the pressure of the intense camp or will she keep her identity? Can she overcome the abuse she endured and come out the other side intact?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I realize the content may turn off a lot of people, but this was one of those things that, once the idea hits, it just takes a hold.

May 20, 2006 

 

Tobin awakes with a raging headache. She keeps her eyes closed as she moves her tongue to try and get rid of the awful cotton mouth she has. She slowly opens her eyes to take in her surroundings. 

It looks like a basic dorm room, she’s familiar with them from all of her soccer trips, but something’s different. She opens her eyes fully, going up on her elbows. The first thing she notices is the metal sink and toilet out in the open. She slides her legs from the small bed, the springs squeaking as she moves. 

My head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds, she thinks as she brings a shaky hand up to hold her forehead. I feel terrible, what is wrong with me, she wonders as she sits up. 

She then sees that there is no window in the room, no closet. She leaves the bed, feeling a bit woozy, and makes her way to the door only to find it locked. 

She turns from the door, glancing around. Her bag is on the floor, neatly zipped up. She glances down and sees she’s still in the same clothes she was wearing when she arrived. 

Her watch is gone. She feels her neck, her necklace is gone. 

She sits back on the bed, biting her lower lip and feeling her right thumb begin rubbing against the pads of her index and middle fingers. Her left foot begins to bounce on the floor. 

She takes a breath, inhaling deeply and letting the air leave her lungs through her pursed lips. She gradually calms herself. 

They put me on a plane, I got picked up at the airport, they bussed me out to the camp and now I’m here, she recounts. 

But, how did I get in this room, she sits further on the narrow bed, leaning her back against the wall. It’s just a plain mattress, smaller than a twin, no sheets or blankets. Her face scrunches up as she thinks. We were gathered in a hall, it was just around nine, it was dark, I know that. There were about twenty others, all of them around my age, we had a service. 

Communion. The last thing I remember was taking communion and things started to get blurry. Oh, fuck! They drugged me? That’s how I got here? Tobin shivers, instantly feeling violated. They took my watch, so I won’t know the day or time is, she thinks, I bet they went through my bags. 

She snorts at that. My Mother packed it, there’s nothing in there for them to take. Certainly my Father supervised that.

She suddenly looks up at the ceiling, scanning the corners, the walls and everything carefully. I don’t think there’s any cameras, she nods. 

She frowns and hugs herself. 

They did it. 

They really did it. 

She’s here at the camp that’s going to convince her she’s not gay. 

I’m so stupid, not trying to get away. I’m somewhere in Michigan, I know that. I landed in Detroit. I was on the bus for about three hours, going west, I remember that. I saw signs for Kalamazoo and then we went north past Grand Rapids. Fuck. 

She hears a flutter and looks at her door, seeing the paper slide underneath into her room. She gets off the bed and snatches it, standing there to read it. 

 

**Welcome to Camp Hamarah.**

**I’m sure you’re confused, possibly even angry. I understand. There’s no need to be frightened.**

**We are your friends. It’s our job here to show you the error of your ways and guide you back to the Lord, Our Savior.**

**It’s our mission to enlighten and educate you about the choices you’ve been making. Your parents have trusted us to gently guide you to see the light and love of Jesus Christ and turn away from the dark path you’ve been traveling.**

**We take this mission seriously and any displays of disrespect, acting out and disregard to our rules will dealt with harshly.**

**Rule 1: Do not speak unless spoken to.**

**Rule 2: Obey the commands of your counselors.**

**Rule 3: Do not try to escape. Severe punishment shall be handed down for any attempts.**

**All actions have consequences.**

**You will find a cup on your sink. Please drink plenty of water during your fast. Your counselor will check on you during your time of fasting. Be courteous to them. They are your brothers and sisters in Christ.**

**We pray for you and your very soul.**

**Yours in Christ,**

**Pastor Jim**

 

Tobin slowly lowers herself onto the bed, looking at the paper again. 

She’s suddenly scared. 

Very scared. 

 

Tobin fills up on the water, she knows she should, she’ll feel better getting the drugs out of her system. Her Father has made her fast before, so she knows the drill. She’s going to chill. Feel things out and see what happens. The note and the guidelines in it make her nervous about how serious they are here. 

She doesn’t know what it will involve, but she decides to fake it until she makes it. She just wants to get through this as easily as possible. Not make waves, not make any disruptions and certainly not be disciplined. 

She goes through her bag, finding her clothes except anything long sleeved, no socks and no pants. Just underwear, a few sports bras, shorts and t-shirts. The laces have been   
removed from her sneakers, she notes, wondering why. 

Then she gets it. No material to make it easy to hang herself. Dear Lord, she thinks, will this place make her think it’s a viable option? Will being dead seem like a better alternative? She shudders at the thought. 

Her backpack doesn’t have any pens, her notebook and phone are gone. Her wallet is there, keys are gone. Basically, there’s nothing in her possession to do anything with, she thinks. Just sit here. And think. 

She’s used to being alone with her thoughts. Her Father has put her in ‘time out’ as he calls it. It involves her being locked in the basement closet in the dark for hours on end. It sucks. But, she’s been experiencing that for years, so this is actually better. There’s a bed and she falls on it, wishing she had a blanket, curling onto her stomach for warmth and slowly goes to sleep. 

 

A knock at her door rouses Tobin from her nap. 

“Tobin Heath?” a female voice calls out. 

“Yes?” Tobin calls back sleepily. 

“Please sit on your bed.” The voice responds. 

“Yes.” Tobin replies, slowly moving to sit up. 

She hears a key in the lock and sees the doorknob twist. The door is slowly opened and a woman pokes her head in warily. She smiles at Tobin when she sees her on the bed.   
“Thank you for complying to my command.” She says, opening the door wider. “Please, put on some shoes and follow me.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Tobin nods and gets her flip flops. 

She follows her out the door, watching from the side as the woman locks it. There’s a large man standing behind her, giving her a serious nod. 

“This way.” The woman says, walking down the narrow hallway. They pass several doors as they go, all marked with a nameplate. 

The woman unlocks another door and leads them out of the building. It’s night. Tobin’s eyes move but she keeps her head forward. She doesn’t want it to look obvious that she’s sizing up this place. Especially not with the man behind her. She’s sure he’s watching her closely. 

The woman keys another lock to enter a small building, opening yet another door and escorting Tobin inside. 

“Please sit and make yourself comfortable.” She says, extending a hand to a semi-circle of chairs. There are a few other people her age seated already. “You are not to speak. Just sit and contemplate why you are here.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Tobin nods, slowly moving to the left side that’s vacant and sitting down. She side eyes the room and sees that the others have their heads down. She nods to herself and sits. And thinks back. 

 

 

_December, 1998_

_Ten year old Tobin cries silently as she walks slowly to the car, following her parents. Her team had just lost the U-12 semi-final regional match and she feels terrible. She played her heart out, but the other team was just too big and they kept knocking her over. She eventually figured out to move faster than them and get rid of the ball quickly. Coach said she played great. She’s nervous because her Father hasn’t spoken to her._

_She’s hungry but her stomach is too jumpy to want to eat anything. She double checks that she’s changed out of her cleats and has her slides on before entering the vehicle. She’s made that mistake a couple of times and running barefoot in the cold isn’t pleasant in New Jersey this time of year. Never wear your cleats in the car._

_The car ride is mostly silent, her Father pausing to order take out and Tobin silently noticing he only placed two orders for food in the drive thru. She slumps her shoulders, pretty sure there will be only an apple for her tonight, again._

_When they enter the house, her Mom takes the bag of food into the kitchen and her Father stands next to her, laying a large hand on her shoulder._

_“Your team lost tonight because you’re weak.” He states, his voice firm. “That’s my fault. Put on your gym shoes and go to the basement.”_

_“Yes sir,” she replies, heading upstairs to fetch her shoes and put her gear bag in the proper place in her room. She passes the dining room where she sees her twelve year old sister Katie, head bent down, working on her homework. Fourteen year old Perry is handing crayons to her younger brother, looking up to give her a soft smile. Tobin instinctively smiles back, but Perry sees her sad eyes and frowns as she watches Tobin pass to go head up the stairs._

_She stands in the basement, looking around. It’s her Father’s hangout and workout area. It fascinates her. There’s pieces of sports memorabilia on the walls, photos of him when he played football and soccer, old trophies and other awards. One wall has a large poster of Jesus on the cross. It makes Tobin sad to look at it. He’s bloody and sweaty and clearly suffering._

_She hears his footsteps on the stairs, they’re slow and deliberate, like you hear in the horror movies she sneaks and watches at her friend Amber’s house when their parents aren’t home. If her own parents ever found out she saw them she would be in for it._

_He has a beer in one hand, his plate in the other and he settles into his comfortable chair, setting the beer on the small table next to the chair and picking up the remote. He clicks on the TV, surfing the channels until he finds a soccer match. He sets the remote down and finally directs his attention to Tobin who’s been standing there silently, eyes down, not daring to look at him._

_He looks her over, actually eying her up and down, before tsking and taking a breath. “You’re scrawny and weak, the other midfielders knock you over like a feather. We have to build you up.”_

_“Yes sir.” Tobin replies, knowing she is expected to respond to his observations._

_“Jumping jacks.” He orders and Tobin begins the exercise. She notes that it’s only eight minutes into the match on TV but she squints and still can’t make out the teams. She side eyes her Father, watching hungrily as he begins to eat his burger and fries, eyes on the TV._

_Soon Tobin is huffing and puffing as she continues her exercise, the sweat rolling into her eyes, and she’s startled when her Father’s voice rings out._

_“Push ups.”_

_She drops down, out of breath and begins to steadily push herself up._

_She doesn’t know how long she’s been doing this, but her arms are wobbly and are feeling on fire when he calls out the next exercise._

_“On your back, right leg lifts.”_

_The list goes on. Right after halftime, Tobin begins to wonder just how long she’s going to be doing this. She’s pretty tired, having had a light practice earlier in the day with the  
PDA she’s recently been recruited to play for and then played the full ninety for her club. _

_The match on TV is in the sixtieth minute when he concludes the session._

_“We will do this every night you are home for your school break. We will then modify your routine.” He states with authority. “Tonight, you may eat an apple because your poor performance lost the match. Contemplate your weaknesses and ask Jesus to help you overcome them. Go shower and then continue your school assignments. You may eat your apple in the dining room. Your assignments must be completed this week.”_

_“Yes sir.” Tobin replies._

_“Dismissed.” He nods at her, turning his attention back to the match._

_She climbs the stairs and goes directly to her room, peeling off her sweat soaked uniform, placing them in her hamper and putting her robe on and grabbing her pajamas. It’s only eight o’clock, but she’s not going anywhere. She hardly goes anywhere except school, soccer and church. She’s so tired, she knows she’ll be going to bed early._

_She showers quickly, setting the timer as she turns the faucet on and not having time to enjoy the hot water on her aching muscles. Showers are limited to five minutes for them.  
In the kitchen, her Mother looks at her expectantly, “What can I get you to eat, sweetheart?” she asks. _

_“Just an apple,” she replies._

_“Oh, honey, there’s chicken,” her Mother offers, stopping when Tobin is violently shaking her head._

_“No ma’am,” she states, “just an apple.” She repeats, her voice sounding weird, pleading, a little scared. For some reason, she only calls her Mom Ma’am when she’s following her  
Father’s orders. _

_Her Mother bites her lower lip, shaking her head and sighing as she hands the apple to Tobin._

_“Thank you.” Tobin says graciously, as if she’s handed her a steak. Manners, you must always have manners and say please and thank you._

_She joins her siblings at the polished table, Tobin carefully setting the paper napkin on her lap as she looks at her list of assignments her parents made her write out. She has check marks next to almost all of them. She got the hard ones out of the way first, knowing her soccer schedule would be hectic before the holidays._

_She decides to read her chapter from her science book, she has ten questions to complete at the end. She savors the apple as she reads, enjoying every bite, gnawing at the fruit  
around the core. She hears Perry talking quietly to Jeffrey, asking him about his picture he drew, praising him for how wonderful it is. He’s two years younger than Tobin. _

_“Look, Katie, look, Tobin, isn’t it great?” Perry asks, smiling as she holds it up. It’s a crude drawing of the four of them, Jeff not yet spelling out their names, but putting their first letter above their heads. When Tobin sees herself, she smiles seeing the messy soccer ball at her feet._

_She beams at her brother, “It’s super, little man,” she says, feeling a surge of love for him._

_“Yeah, Jeff, it’s great,” Katie chimes in, smiling when she sees her tennis racquet in her hand._

_“Love you!” Jeffrey squeals and giggles as Perry tickles his sides. She looks at the wall clock, “Time for bed, Jeffy boy,” she says, standing from her chair._

_“No!” he pouts, “I want to color.”_

_“You can color tomorrow,” Perry reasons, “I promise.”_

_He huffs, crossing his arms, “No.”_

_“Jeff,” Perry tries._

_“Mommy!” Jeffrey yells, suddenly leaving his seat and running to the living room._

_Perry sighs and trails after him._

_Tobin turns back to her book, knowing she shouldn’t get involved. She hears her Mother speak softly to Jeff and then walk him up the stairs, Perry entering the dining room, grumbling under her breath about babysitting and trying to do her homework._

_Tobin is on question three when her Mother appears, placing a small plate of cookies in front of each of the girls. Glasses of milk appear next. Her hungry stomach rumbles at the sight of it._

_“You’ve worked hard,” she said, “here’s a little treat.”_

_“Thank you,” all three reply in unison. Manners. They must have gracious manners at all times. That’s been drilled in their heads since they were young._

_Tobin eyes the cookies. Her Father said she could only eat an apple. But here, her Mother is offering her cookies. Is this a test, she wonders. Well, he didn’t say anything about not being allowed to drink anything, she reasons with herself. She drinks the glass of milk as she reads her next question. She focuses on her answer, writing as carefully and neatly as possible with her left hand twisted at an angle. She knows if it’s sloppy, her parents will make write her it out again until they approve. She’d be a disappointment to her teacher if she couldn’t read Tobin’s work properly because Tobin is messy._

_Her milk is gone, the plate of cookies in front of her untouched and she’s on her seventh question as her eyes droop. She fights it, struggling to stay awake. She lays her head on the table, thinking of her answer when her tired eyes shut close._

_She feels the softness of her bed, opening her eyes to see Perry gently laying her on her back. “Mmm,” Tobin mumbles, trying to awake._

_“It’s okay, go to sleep,” Perry smiles at her._

_“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Tobin says, sitting up, “I have to finish my homework.” Her voice registers some panic._

_“You’ve got time,” Perry assures her, “you’re almost finished. You can finish it tomorrow.”_

_“You sure?” Tobin questions, “I don’t want to get in trouble.” She looks at Perry with wide eyes._

_Perry nods, “It’s okay, it’s fine.” She comforts her. She opens her closed hand, revealing two cookies._

_“Katie and I each hid one for you.” She says, offering them to Tobin._

_“He said just an apple.” Tobin resists._

_“Your three are still on the plate.” Perry explains, “Katie and I only ate two so you could have two as well.”_

_Tobin’s unsure, she’s going against what her Father said. But, those cookies._

_“It’s okay,” Perry reassures, “he’ll never know. Just don’t get any crumbs in your bed.”_

_Tobin takes a cookie and eats it, holding her free hand under her mouth to catch any crumbs. Perry smiles at her. She runs her hand through Tobin’s damp hair. “How was the match tonight?’ she questions as Tobin finishes her first cookie. She takes the second one, looking down._

_“I was weak.” She says, echoing her Father’s evaluation._

_“Did you have fun?” Perry asks her, looking at her intently._

_Tobin nods._

_“Did you listen to your coaches?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Did you try your best?” she asks._

_“I did,” Tobin replies, “but Dad,”_

_“Sshh,” Perry says, placing her finger over Tobin’s mouth._

_“If you tried your best and you love playing,” she says slowly, “then you won on the inside.” She says. She pokes at Tobin’s chest, just over heart. “Here.”_

_Tobin cocks her head at her as she slowly eats her second cookie._

_“You play because you love it.” Perry states. “You play to get better. You listen to your coaches. Okay?”_

_Tobin nods, not fully understanding what Perry means._

_“Just agree and do whatever Dad says,” she waves her hand, scrunching her face in a frown. “don’t argue with him about anything. Okay?”_

_Tobin nods as she chews._

_“I love you,” Perry says, pulling Tobin in for a hug, Tobin making little fists as she hugs her back._

_“I love you, too, Per.” She replies, squeezing her._

_She looks at her fists, opening them and licking her palms of crumbs._

_“Gross!” Perry laughs quietly._

_Tobin smiles at her, “No crumbs.” She says._

_“Go to sleep.” Perry suggests, standing up and walking to her door. She shuts off her light. “Good night, Tobs,”_

_“Good night,” Tobin says, “love you.” lying back and closing her eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. Sleep comes fast._

 

 

May 20, 2006

“I am Pastor Jim.” A deep voice startles Tobin out of her memory. 

She looks up. In the center of the semi-circle, he stands at a small lectern. He’s a youngish man, Tobin guesses he’s maybe around thirty or so. Not as old as her parents. He has dark hair, a beard and soft eyes as he looks around the room. 

He begins to speak about God and the wonderful plans He has for each of their lives, how they should be following His word and leading a Christian lifestyle. As Tobin listens, she glances around and sees that there’s only nine others in her group assembled. 

“You obviously have done things to break your parents’ hearts. To cause them so much pain, they turned to us. Your failures have gone past simple mistakes. Your failures have caused much heartbreak in your family. You are here because you are a failure. A failure to see God’s goodness and light. To embrace it.” He says, his voice growing louder. 

“Now,” he says quietly, “it’s time to reflect on your past deeds that have led you here.” 

Tobin watches him step away from the lectern and sit down in a chair, looking out at the small group. 

She looks down, wondering if there is something to what he saying. Something of substance. She’s felt that she’s failed her parents before. She’s done it multiple times. Her Father wouldn’t have to correct her like he does if she didn’t. 

She sighs, bringing her hands together, clasping them tightly and bowing her head as she thinks back. 

 

 

_July, 2002_

_Fourteen year old, high school freshman to be Tobin flies into the house, hurriedly kicking her shoes off, trotting to the kitchen to wash her hands and slide into her chair at the table, out of breath._

_“I’m so sorry,” she apologizes as the family looks at her._

_Perry, Katie and Jeff just give her looks of shame, silently shaking their heads. Her Mother sighs, while her Father, who’s sitting at the head of the table, unfolds his hands, Perry on one side taking it and Jeff on the other as they all link together._

_“Father God,” he says, his voice loud and showing a little irritation, “we ask for your blessing for the food we are about to eat, for the understanding of those who transgress You and ask mercy and forgiveness of those who forsake and honor Your name. In Your name we pray,”_

_“Amen.” The table responds, hands on laps, waiting for their Mother to serve their Father._

_Tobin’s eyes are on her lap, she’s still breathing a little heavy, having run six blocks from her best friend’s house._

_Her Father methodically goes around the table, asking each child about their day as they eat. Tobin eats slowly, her stomach beginning to churn. She knows she’s in for it. She also knows he will focus on her last. To prolong her suffering at the table._

_“And Tobin,” he says, his voice calm and almost charming, “what was so interesting for you today that you were late for this meal?” he inquires._

_Tobin takes a breath before speaking, “I was helping Amber with their garden. Amber’s Mom hurt her back so we were picking all of the vegetables for her.”_

_“You didn’t think to call?” is his follow up question._

_Tobin puts her head down in shame, “I thought if I ran I would make it in time.”_

_“Well, obviously, you aren’t fast enough.” He snickers sarcastically._

_The table is silent, heads down, eating._

_“If you are late to dinner again, you will not eat.” He states, closing the subject._

_“Yes, sir.” Tobin replies, meekly._

_“Perry, please get Tobin another glass of milk. She’s finished hers already. She can’t get faster if she doesn’t eat healthy.” Her Father orders._

_Tobin says nothing, wondering where this act of generosity from Her Father came from. Usually when she finishes her milk, she just drinks water._

_They finish their meal, the children dutifully bringing the plates to the kitchen, stacking them neatly for those who are dish duty tonight. They return to their seats._

_“Perry, I’d like you to get your grade up in math, please make it an area of focus.” Their Father states._

_“Yes, sir,” Perry replies swiftly. Tobin thinks she sounds like a soldier. Yes, sir, no, sir._

_“You may be dismissed.” He states. She leaves her chair, silently pushing it in, before leaving the room._

_“Katie,” he says, “I’d like for you to do the dishes tonight in place of Tobin. She will be busy.”_

_“Yes, sir.” She says, looking at him. He nods and she leaves her spot, making sure to push in her seat._

_“Jeffrey, you will assist Katie. Get to it.” Her Dad states. He jumps up, pushing his chair in and quickly going to the kitchen._

_“Cindy, would you mind making me a drink?” he asks, giving her smile. She nods, not looking him in the eyes. She slowly gets up, leaving the table._

_“Tobin, please put your shoes on and meet me in the backyard.” He simply states, rising from his chair, intentionally leaving the it out, testing Tobin to make sure she places his_  
and her own in the proper spot. She does, quickly carrying her shoes to the back door, slipping them on outside on the deck. She’s not sure what he has in store for her tonight,   
but she laces them tight. 

_She’s standing there in the yard on the back deck, nervously rubbing her index and middle fingers with her thumbs as she bites her lower lip and waits. It’s hot out still, the sun still high in the sky, it won’t get dark for another couple of hours. It’s not even 7:00 yet, so she knows they’ll be out here for awhile._

_She sees her Father at the sliding door, drink in hand, talking to her Mom. “No practice for her tomorrow?” he inquires. She can’t make out what her Mom says, but she knows she doesn’t have any practice or meetings tomorrow. Tomorrow is the kind of day she dreads. Soccer is her escape. To lose herself in it and not think about all of the rules she has to live by._

_He steps out on the deck, giving her a withering look. He’s changed from his professional attire into more casual clothing. For him, that means a polo shirt, linen shorts and a pair of leather sandals._

_“You should work on your speed since you can’t make it home from six blocks away in a timely manner,” he says as he steps down onto the lush grass._

_Tobin follows him as he walks to the side yard where the soccer goal stands along the far side fence. It’s a good hundred foot area in length and about sixty feet in width._

_“Line up,” he states, indicating Tobin should stand on 30 meter line. It’s a thin line of pea gravel. There’s other ones for the 18 and 6 yard markers as well._

_“You will run to the goal, tap the crossbar and back. On my count. Go!” he states, watching as Tobin flies down the grass, stopping to leap and stretch as high as she can to hit the 8 foot crossbar, pivot and barrel back. She hears a click on her return, instantly getting in place and having him yell go._

_He’s counting this now, she realizes as she runs, the sweat beginning to run into her eyes. She keeps going. On what she thinks is the 13th or 15th lap, she hasn’t kept count properly, her stomach begins to let her know that milk is not a good choice before running sprints._

_She makes it five more laps before she’s on her knees, puking everything up in the goal. She’s spitting out the last heave when she sees her Father’s sandal clad feet in her perimeter._

_“Hit the crossbar and go,” he orders, his voice tight._

_She stands on shaky legs, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, popping up to hit the bar and turning to run. She loses count on how many more laps she runs, vomiting one more time before he calls it quits and sticks the garden hose at her to drink from it._

_She doesn’t drink much for fear he will make her run more. She slowly brings her lips to the hose, letting the water cool down her mouth, taking small sips before running on it the back of her neck when it’s yanked away and he shuts it off._

_“Stop wasting the water,” he hisses at her, “you don’t pay for it, so don’t waste it.”_

_“Yes, sir,” Tobin mumbles, looking down. Her legs are on fire._

_“Kneel,” He commands, walking to the patio and pulling two decorative bricks out of the border. “Arms out, palms up, hold these.” He puts a brick in each of Tobin’s hands. She struggles with the weight because she’s so tired from running. She can see one brick is full of ants crawling out from the bottom, walking on her hand. She shudders and resists shaking her arms, dropping the brick._

_She doesn’t want to make her Father mad. Well, any more upset with her than he is right now._

_“Arms fully out to the sides,” he says, nodding as she does what he says, stretching her arms out, holding the bricks in her palms, “repeat the ten commandments.”_

_“I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any strange gods before Me.” Tobin begins. She knows these well, having had to repeat these so many times before. She can feel the ants traveling up her arm._

_When she gets to “Honor thy Mother and Father,” she sees him step out from her side and go behind her. She hates when he’s out of her view. It makes her anxious. She’s anxious a lot. She just found out what that word meant, having looked it up after overhearing her Mom say that about her to someone on the phone a few weeks ago._

_It’s the perfect description for how she’s feeling right now, except, now she’s beginning to panic because she’s got four more commandments to say and her arms are beginning to shake. She keeps going. She’s not going to let him win. Not this time. With grim determination, she guts it out._

_Tobin holds it in, swallowing and choking down the vomit as she continues to hold the bricks. She’s made it through the Ten Commandments three times, an Our Father and one Hail Mary._

_“That’s it.” He says abruptly. “Put the bricks back.” His voice is a little slurred and tired. Tobin thinks he’s maybe had four drinks, he usually has two before dinner, one with dinner and now the one he finished out here a while ago. She doesn’t know he’s drunk, just that after he has a few of his special drinks, he’s starts acting different. Sometimes, he’s mean._

_“Yes sir.” Tobin answers, dragging herself up, carrying the bricks to the patio and carefully putting them in place. She doublechecks that they are perfect before standing up. Her arms are on fire, her legs tightening up, her knees sore from kneeling on the pavers for so long and she feels sick to her stomach. She quickly brushes the ants off her arm and neck._

_“Shower up and I don’t want to see your face until dinner tomorrow.” He orders. “I’ll have a list of chores for you to do tomorrow on the kitchen counter. See that you complete them. Properly. Do not disappoint me again.”_

_“Yes sir,” Tobin answers._

_“Go!” he says loudly, taking a large step towards her, slapping his sandal on the patio, causing Tobin to flinch and move fast up the deck and in to the house._

_She basically crawls up the stairs into her room to quickly grab her pajamas, then going to the bathroom. She shuts the door, drops to her knees and begins to vomit. She gets up shakily, feeling hot and sick, stripping out of her sweaty clothes. She sets the timer so she doesn’t go over five minutes. She turns the faucet and lifts her heavy legs over the tub to stand under the water. She soaps up quickly, washing her hair and rinsing off in record time._

_She dries off quickly so she’s not accused of being in there too long, brushing her braced teeth quickly and completely and exits, carrying her dirty clothes with her and setting them in her hamper. It’s not until she’s under her covers that she begins to cry. She doesn’t exactly know why she’s crying but she does feel that her punishment was a little harsh for just being a few minutes late for dinner._

_Amber doesn’t get in trouble like this, she thinks as the tears flow. Amber’s Dad just grounds her mostly, and that’s usually because Amber sasses back to her parents. She’s never told Amber or anyone what her Dad does to her. She’s been around enough of her friends and their parents to know that her Dad is a bit extreme. It embarrasses her because it  
makes her think she must be a terrible disappointment for her Dad to have to have him to punish her like that. _

_She doesn’t remember Perry or Katie getting this type of punishment. She must be such a screw up._

_She doesn’t hear her door open, but she does feel a weight on her bed. She turns to face Perry, slipping under the covers and gathering her in her arms. Tobin instantly begins crying again, clutching on to Perry’s nightgown, feeling Perry run her fingers through her wet hair._

_“You did so good out there, tonight.” Perry says softly. “Don’t let him beat you. You’re stronger than you think. You’re tough.”_

_Tobin just cries harder, hanging onto her._

_“Just remember, Tobin,” Perry soothes, “UNC. Hang in there, kid.”_

 

 

May 20, 2006 

 

Tobin twitches as she thinks about that time in the yard with her Father and the ants crawling on her as she recited the Ten Commandments. Fuck this, she thinks, I’m tougher than this. I can do this. I know what I want. I’m gay. They can’t change it. Nobody can. I didn’t just think one day that I’ll just start liking girls, I was made this way. I couldn’t control it. They can’t control it. I’m almost eighteen, I think I know about myself by now, she thinks. 

She grits her teeth and clasps her hands tightly together. They can’t keep me here forever, she thinks. I’ll beat them at this game. Her thoughts drift back to two years ago, just before her U-17 camp. 

 

_October, 2004_

_Sixteen year old Tobin is breathing hard in the backyard. She sees her breath coming out of her mouth in little puffs. It’s after another game and her Father felt she was being still being manhandled on the pitch. He criticizes her ‘fancy feet’, as he calls them. Once again, her Father challenging her to keep on the ball and make a shot while he smacks at her with the heavy foam football blocker in his hands._

_They’ve been at it hard for over an hour when she touches the ball, losing herself, edging him to her side, feeling the blows, staying on the ball, seeing the opening, quickly nutmegging him and whisking around him before he could react. She shoots the ball in the goal. She slowly turns to face him, out of breath with the realization that she beat him._

_She was quicker. She scored on him. She can’t stop the small smirk that crosses her face._

_He glares at her. Nodding his head for her to retrieve the ball. She toes it back to walk it front of him to start again when she feels a sharp blow from his elbow to her side. She’s on knees, bent over, gasping for breath._

_“Took you long enough.” He mutters and walks in the house._

_She grits her teeth at the pain, kneeling there a few minutes, fighting back the tears and trying to get her breath back before slowly standing up and toeing the ball in front of her to head in the house. She glances up and sees Perry in her window, giving her a thumbs up and a smile._

_She nods her head at her, still reeling from the pain, popping the ball into her hand as she steps onto the deck and enters the house._

 

May 20, 2006 

 

He did it on purpose, Tobin realizes, now finally understanding everything. He was mad I beat him, he hurt me. Intentionally. Oh, God, I was such an idiot. He’s a monster. He’s, he’s abusing me. She can feel her chest beginning to tighten as she struggles to catch her breath. 

The reality of her life is making her feel nauseous. Calm down, calm down, she urges herself, just relax, think of something positive. I can't freak out here. Not here. Her breathing is starting to slow, she’s proud she’s able to divert herself and not have a full blown panic attack. She’s read up on it at school, learning about it after hearing Doc mention it after she hurt her ribs two years ago. 

She jolts in her chair as Pastor Jim speaks. 

“Now, you will ask God for forgiveness and take communion.” 

“Repeat after me:” Pastor Jim states, his voice tinged with urgency, “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you.” 

They all speak the words. 

“I beg of thee to have Mercy on my soul.” He says, and they repeat it. 

“And let me see the error of my ways and the sinful choices I made.” 

Tobin notices she’s speaking softer as well as the rest of the group. 

“May You show me the light and turn me away from the darkness.” 

 

Tobin feels hands on her shoulders, looking up to see the man who escorted from her room standing behind her. He bends down to whisper in her ear. 

“You will close your eyes and open your mouth for communion.” He commands, Tobin feeling his hot breath making the hairs on her neck stand and a shiver run down her spine. 

“Yes, sir.” She replies, her voice shaky, scared. She closes her eyes as the woman approaches with a tray. She feels liquid hit the back of her throat, opening her eyes and clamping her mouth shut and seeing the woman holding a plastic syringe. 

“Let’s go.” The man orders, lifting Tobin by her shoulders. 

A different woman unlocks the door and leads them back to her room. They’re walking at a fast pace, he’s got his hand on Tobin’s arm, hustling her roughly back to her room. As they walk outside, Tobin feels herself breaking into a sweat. Once they enter the hallway to the dorm room, Tobin begins to feel nauseous and light headed. Her stomach is upset, it’s churning, she’s feeling hot. 

She stumbles into her room, going straight to her bed and collapsing on it. 

“You will cleanse the body and then the mind.” The woman says as she shuts and locks the door. 

Tobin lays on her bed, feeling just awful. Her stomach suddenly lurches, she crawls to the toilet and vomits. 

 

 

Tobin wakes sitting on the toilet, leaning against the sink, her neck aching from being at a crooked angle. She feels the coolness of the metal sink against her temple. She opens her eyes, blinking rapidly. The lights are on, they haven’t gone out yet and Tobin doubts they will. 

She lifts her head from the sink, yawning as she straightens her back. She feels disgusting. Her head aches, her ribs ache from throwing up all night, she’s sore all over. She looks longingly at the bed, and then down at her feet. 

She flicks her shorts and underwear off from around her ankles, the brief thought of being thankful the sink was next to the toilet because at one point during the night, she had it coming out of both ends at the same time. She’s never been so sick in her life. 

She rises from the toilet, gripping the sink tightly, she’s unsteady on her feet. The weakness she feels is alarming. She takes off her sweat soaked shirt and sports bra and almost falls over when she leans to grab clothes out of her bag. 

The head rush makes her pause until it passes, then she finds some clothes. She sees a hand towel and a travel size soap bar and mouthwash container on the sink’s lip, the memory of the woman coming in a few times while she so sick. 

She cleans herself up as best she can, rinsing her mouth out multiple times to get rid of the awful after taste. She hopes the mouthwash isn’t drugged as well, but she feels so gross and achy, she doesn’t care. 

She’s cold, so she takes out multiple shirts and covers herself with them as she lays on the bed. She passes out as soon as her head hits the mattress.


	2. Chapter 2

March, 2006  
 _Chelsea smiles at Tobin as they sing the next song, it’s an upbeat Christian tune that Tobin likes. The band rocks it out on the small stage and when the song is over, they thank everyone for coming and wish them a good night. It’s the end of Thursday Night Youth Group and the first time Tobin invited Chelsea to join her. They play soccer together on the high school team and have been getting pretty close this year._

_Tobin turns to Chelsea, nervous about the evening._

_“So, uh,” she begins, clearing her throat, “hope you liked it.”_

_Chelsea smiles at her, “I did!” she exclaims, “I thought it was pretty cool!”_

_“Really?” Tobin asks, wondering if she’s just being polite or if she really did like it._

_“Yeah, I did,” Chelsea places her hand on Tobin’s forearm, “I liked the message, too. I’m Catholic, so it’s pretty cool to hear about the Bible in ways I can relate.” She says sincerely, giving Tobin’s forearm a squeeze._

_“Hey guys!” Amber calls, “My Mom will be here in ten to drive us home!” She’s a few feet from them, talking to the youth pastor._

_“Okay!” Tobin calls back, giving her a thumbs up. She turns to Chelsea, “I’m glad you came,” she says shyly, looking down and missing Chelsea’s contact from her hand on her arm already._

_“You know,” Chelsea says, leaning close to her, “you’re pretty cute when you blush.”_

_Tobin looks up sharply, not sure exactly she heard her correctly. Is she calling me cute, she wonders. She blushes again, “You’re pretty cute, too,” she says, she swears it just slips out, but looking into Chelsea’s brown eyes, she slipped._

_“So,” Chelsea says, linking her arm with Tobin’s and slowly leading them out of the room and towards the lobby, “was this a date?”_

_“If you want it to be,” Tobin smiles at her. Does she like me, she wonders, her heart pounding. Amber’s been telling her that Chelsea likes her, but Tobin didn’t believe it. Amber then told Tobin to invite to her youth and see what she says. She was shocked when Chelsea eagerly agreed._

_“I’d like that,” She smiles back at her, then she frowns._

_Tobin stops walking. “What?” she asks, concerned._

_Chelsea’s eyes scan the lobby, “It’s not exactly the kind of place I could get a good night kiss at, that’s all.”_

_“Really?” Tobin whispers, “You want to kiss me?”_

_Chelsea leans closer, laying a hand on Tobin’s back, “I’ve wanted to kiss you since last year.”_

_Tobin just looks at her with her mouth slightly open and dopey expression in her face._

_Chelsea just smiles, “Meet me tomorrow before practice?” Tobin nods slowly, a smile beginning to form. “I’ll take a rain check on that kiss and cash it in then.”_

_“For sure,” Tobin says breathlessly, nodding quickly._

_Chelsea laughs, taking Tobin’s hand and leading her out to meet up with Amber and two others who were getting a ride from Amber’s Mom._

_That was the beginning of Tobin’s many firsts with Chelsea._

_They make out every chance they got, under the bleachers before practice, at Amber’s house when they were supposed to be doing homework and Amber’s parents weren’t home._

_They had to be discreet. Well, Tobin had to be. She knew her parents’ would absolutely freak out if they knew, so she had to be extremely careful. This was the first time she ever hid anything from them, so she felt guilty, but she knew they wouldn’t understand._

_It's now the beginning of May and Tobin is feeling all kinds of hot and bothered. It’s dark and her team is on the dark bus travelling back to school after a spring scrimmage match across town. Chelsea has been sitting next to her the whole ride, massaging her thigh and her hand keeps creeps higher. Tobin’s body is responding in ways she didn’t know it could. She feels wetness between her legs, the brief thought that she pissed her pants._

_Tobin puts her hand on Chelsea’s wrist, stilling it. “Please,” she whispers to her, “you’re driving me crazy.” Tobin can feel the increasing pooling of wetness in between her legs. She’s hyper aware of her surroundings._

_Chelsea smiles, leaning close, “That’s the point.”_

_They’ve never gone too far in the sex department yet, Chelsea knowing Tobin isn’t ready. But that doesn’t stop her from teasing Tobin every chance she gets. They’ve felt each other up, the first time Chelsea massaged Tobin’s breast, she felt like she was in Heaven. It’s getting dangerous and Tobin doesn’t want to be careless. But she wants her, she wants Chelsea to touch her. To touch her like she’s never been touched before._

_She knows this is what she wants. She doesn’t like boys and their wet kisses and clumsy hands. She had a few set up dates with boys from church. She wants this, this gentleness, this passion they share._

_The trouble is, they can’t find much time to be alone. Tobin’s parents’ have let up on some of their strictness, but she’s still very limited to her free time. School, soccer and church. That’s about it._

_Chelsea has complained a little about it, but she claims she understands. Tobin is grateful for that._

_“Let’s skip Youth,” Chelsea suggests, wiggling her eyebrows at Tobin._

_“I can’t do that,” Tobin shakes her head. “my parents will find out.”_

_Chelsea scoots away from her a little in the bus seat, “How? They don’t take a roll call or anything,”_

_“I don’t know,” Tobin sighs, looking down, “I could get I a lot of trouble.”_

_“Please?” Chelsea bats her eyelashes at her, “For me?”_

_Tobin looks at her, shaking her head._

_Chelsea leans in, her mouth next to Tobin’s ear, “Tobin, I want you,” she says quietly, “I want to do things to you, with you. Please.”_

_“I” Tobin says, her head swimming with thoughts. Thoughts of Chelsea touching her. Kissing her. She looks up at her. “What if we pop in for a few minutes and then sneak out?” Tobin considers, shrugging._

_Chelsea nods and smiles. “Now you’re talking.”_

_As they pull into the school’s lot, Tobin texts her Mom to let her know they are back. They get off the bus, spilling out near the pick up driveway._

_“My Mom should be here in a fifteen minutes.” Tobin says, smiling at her._

_“Good,” Chelsea says, putting her arms around Tobin as they say good night to their teammates. “I need to do this,” she says, leaning forward and kissing her._

_Chelsea holds onto Tobin as they kiss. They break away for a breath when Tobin sees Chelsea’s eyes go wide._

_“What?” Tobin asks, turning to follow her gaze. Her Father’s car has just pulled up and is idling ten feet away from them. “Oh, fuck,” Tobin mutters under her breath. Amber’s not far away and Tobin can hear her gasp._

_“I’ll get a ride,” Chelsea says quickly, pulling herself away from her, she’s afraid of Mr. Heath. “text me later.”_

_“If I can.” Tobin grimaces at her and then pulls on the strap of her backpack, picking up her gear bag and moving to the car._

_She opens the passenger door and slides in silently. She doesn’t speak as she buckles her seatbelt._

_“What was that?” Her Father asks, his voice annoyed._

_“What was what?” Tobin asks in response._

_“You and Chelsea.” He says flatly._

_“I was just hugging her, she had a bad match.” Tobin explains, feeling guilty to lie to him._

_He snorts and pulls out of the lot. The ride home is silent, Tobin doing her best not to bounce her leg but she can’t stop her right thumb from rubbing against the pads of her index and middle fingers._

_He says nothing to her for the rest of the night, leaving Tobin feeling nervous and anxious the whole time. She texts Amber, who tells her to just go with it, she got away with it, everything should be cool._

_So that’s what Tobin does, just relax and chill. He didn’t see anything, she tells herself, it was dark. It’s fine. Just be careful. Tobin makes sure to delete the conversation from her phone. She takes no chances._

_The next day is Thursday and Tobin gets through the day, feeling better about everything. She tells Chelsea maybe they shouldn’t skip this week, maybe her Father is suspicious but Chelsea convinces her to go with the plan._

_Her Father says just nods when Tobin tells him Amber will pick her up for Youth. When Amber pulls up, Tobin’s out the door and they drive off. They go to church, Chelsea and Tobin milling around with everyone and staying until just before the service part starts, sneaking out and running from the building hand in hand. Chelsea stops near the curb, swinging her arm around Tobin and planting a kiss on her._

_Tobin feels Chelsea’s hand move down her back, down to her ass, cupping her and squeezing, pressing their fronts together. When breathing becomes an issue, they break from their kiss and begin to walk, only to stop dead in their tracks._

_“Tobin!” a voice calls out. It’s her Father, standing near the side door, looking fiercely at them._

_Tobin pales. Chelsea shrinks back, letting go of her hand. They both take a small step backwards as he approaches._

_He stops about ten away from them, crosses his arms, looking at them both. “Let’s go.” He orders._

_“Dad,” Tobin starts but is cut off._

_“Now!” He roars, pointing his finger to his side, his eyes blazing._

_Tobin turns to Chelsea, seeing her frightened face. “Just go,” Chelsea whispers, “I’m so sorry.”  
Tobin nods, swallowing the lump in her throat. Her shoulders slump as she slowly walks to him. He grabs her at the back of the neck, propelling her forward, his grip tightening as they quickly walk to the car. He doesn’t speak. _

_He pushes her towards the passenger side of the car, moving to open his door. Tobin hesitates for a moment, the thought of running entering her mind. She slowly opens the door and gets in the car._

_Another silent car ride._

_As they stand on the porch he turns to her. Tobin sees the repulsion in his eyes. “I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night.”_

_“Yes, sir,” Tobin replies._

_They go their separate ways when they get in the house, Tobin passing her Mother who looks bewildered at her being home so early._

_Both Katie and Perry are out of the house, away at college. Jeffrey is home, she passes him in the dining room, doing his homework. She trudges up the stairs, closing her door, leaning against it. What have I done, she wonders. The tears come. She feels so guilty for lying to her parents, she feels stupid for thinking they wouldn’t find out. She feels awful for how scared Chelsea looked._

_I’m such a fuck up, she thinks._

_She changes out of her clothes and into some shorts and a t-shirt. She doesn’t have any homework, so she just curls up in her bed, crying._

 

 

May 21, 2006 

 

 

Tobin wakes with tears in her eyes. The memory of her dream still fresh in her mind. How Chelsea had cried the next time they saw each other, telling Tobin she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t sneak around. She couldn’t let Tobin get in trouble like that. 

Tobin had cried too, telling her she understood, feeling the rejection from her but also sad that her family life would drive Chelsea away. They agreed to be friends, but Chelsea just couldn’t risk things for Tobin. It was too much, her Father was too much.

Chelsea had told Tobin how her father called her Mother and laid into her about how she was corrupting their daughter. How he told her to make Chelsea stay away from her.   
Tobin was mortified. She apologized profusely, but there it was. Chelsea wouldn’t see her anymore. Not with her Father acting like that. She was scared of him. 

She looks around the barren room, sighing, her ribs still aching from being sick, but her head clearer. And that was how I ended up here, she thinks glumly. Her parents yanked her out of school to send her to this place. To force Tobin not to feel what she feels. 

She puts her head back down and cries. 

 

 

May ??, 2006 

Time is weird here, Tobin thinks. She doesn’t know what day it is or even when it’s night or day. She gets taken from room at all different times, sometimes, pulled out when she’s in a deep sleep, or taken when she’s just sitting and thinking. She’s figured out they aren’t letting them sleep much. She’s so tired, constantly being pulled from sleep. 

Being forced to her knees, praying, repeating the scriptures. Standing for long periods of time. Tobin is glad that it’s not being forced to exercise, she’s feeling so completely wiped out. Worse than if she’s in preseason doing triple practices. At least they’re aren’t hitting me, she thinks morosely. 

The talks Pastor Jim gives are escalating, he’s beginning to yell at them about their souls. How they are wrong. How they are turning their backs on God. He shouts scriptures to them about damnation and the Old Testament ones about being vengeful. One of the boys in the group mouthed back to him and he was taken away. Pastor Jim ordering to take him away for some thoughtful contemplation. She hasn’t seen him since. 

They’ve been given small amounts of food. It’s not much, just protein bars here and there. It’s a treat to get an apple or a banana. She’s hungry all the time, but she drinks water to try and offset it. 

One of the girls in her group keeps crying. She won’t stop. Pastor Jim is focusing on her, trying to get her to crack. He keeps spouting off Old testament scriptures about her fate. She wishes she could do something, it’s killing her to see this poor girl so upset. 

If only she had the courage to do something, but she’s scared. Her Father was right, she’s weak. Maybe he’s right about everything. She’s so tired of all of this. If she just agrees, maybe she can go back home. As awful as her Father treats her, this place is far worse. 

My Mom has been acting as a buffer, she even bailed Tobin out last week when she forgot to stop for milk after practice. She told her Father that told me she would get it and not to worry. Tobin almost cried in gratitude. 

She can see something in her Mother’s eyes, she can’t exactly place it, but she feels like maybe her Mom doesn’t agree with her Father on everything. She’s seen her Mother’s face when her Father orders her to go to the basement or yard for her corrections. Her Mother makes the slightest face when she pours him another drink. Tobin knows she doesn’t like it when her Father drinks.

She can hear her parents fighting more often, hushed arguments, doors closing loudly. Her Mom is hugging her more often, reassuring her everything will be okay.   
She doesn’t want to get her hopes up, but her Mom told her that she would make sure she gets to UNC. She’s just not sure she can totally trust her. There’s been something different in her Mom’s eyes these last few months. It’s like every movement she makes is calculated and intended for a purpose. 

I think she’s up to something, but I just don’t know what it is. 

 

 

November, 2004 

_Tobin’s gingerly changing into her practice clothes when she hears the low whistle from next to her. She’s at camp for the U-18 National Team and today is their third  
practice. It’s been a couple of weeks since her Father hit her in the yard, but her ribs are still super tender. _

_“What the heck happened to you?” Cheney eyes her carefully._

_“Took a knock training,” Tobin casually replies. It still hurts bad. She’s not sure how well she’ll do at camp but she’ll give it her all. So far she’s been lucky._

_“Did you have it looked at?” Cheney asks quietly, her eyes softening, “it looks bad.”_

_Tobin shrugs, “Ah, it’s not so bad.” She says, trying to drop the subject._

_“Maybe you should” Cheney starts but Coach comes and begins talking._

_Cheney has become one of Tobin’s closest friends. In fact, Tobin feels a kinship to her that nearly rivals her sisters. Her and A-Rod as well. Kelley, well, Kelley is Tobin’s comic relief but she’s getting closer to her, they’ve had a couple of serious talks about stuff and Tobin is slowly realizing that for as goofy and fun loving Kelley is, she’s also incredibly smart and kind. They’ve clicked since they first met over three years ago._

_Practices are tough, but Tobin loves them. They play all out as they are all competing for roster spots and the atmosphere is intense but positive. It’s all about giving it your all and improving yourself every single time you step on the pitch. Tobin finds it so interesting to meet and get to know other girls with the same intensity and love for soccer as she has._

_In their down time, all of her teammates are pretty cool. They hang out together, even girls who play the same position. Nobody talks about roster spots or makes nasty comments about anyone. The coaches won’t allow it. They make sure they understand it’s about learning to be their own personal best._

_Sometimes when they’re in small groups, things get serious. They talk about relationships, their families and stuff like that. Tobin stays pretty quiet during those talks. Everyone who’s met Tobin’s parents thinks they’re wonderful. So kind. So happy. Tobin has trouble disagreeing with them because that’s their public persona. When they go out in public, her parents are so loving, they compliment her efforts and achievements. She has never spoken ill of them, they’re her parents, she loves them. She is slowly learning that she probably has had the strictest upbringing out of the circle of friends she’s made so far on this team._

_There’s a new girl who just got into camp a day late, her name is Alex Morgan. It’s her first call up and Tobin has never met her before. Tobin thinks she’s beautiful. They’ve only spoken a handful of times, she runs around with a different group of girls in their down time. She has the most amazing blue eyes Tobin’s ever seen._

_The realization is slowly dawning on Tobin that she might kind of like girls and not guys so much. She feels so confused about it, she doesn’t know what to do. She certainly can’t talk to anyone about it, so she prays. She prays for answers, if it’s okay, if God would still love her. If her family would still love her. She feels shame about it, knowing her parents’ opinion already about homosexuality from different church services they’ve attended. She can’t be gay. Not her._

_She focuses on lacing her boots, ignoring the pain in her side and getting on the pitch to warm up. Her eyes follow a musical laugh and finds Alex joking with a tall blond girl named Allie. She sighs and starts juggling her ball, off in her own world until they officially start practice._

_“How’s seventeen doing?” Head Coach Sermanni asks Dawn Scott, the Head Athletic Trainer who’s standing next to him._

_“She seems a little off,” Dawn replies, “she’s from the East Coast, maybe she’s still a little jet lagged.”_

_“She doesn’t screw around? Goof off?” he asks._

_Dawn turns to him, “Her?” she scoffs, “I’ve known Tobin for years. She’s a good kid. Very friendly. Soccer junky. Fancy feet. Creative. Plays like a Brazilian. She’s here for soccer. Soccer IQ is off the charts, especially for her age. No breaking any rules with that one. Totally laid back. Listener, not much of a talker. Takes it all in. Doesn’t get flustered easily on the pitch. No sneaking out, talking back, if she’s not with Cheney and A-Rod, she’s at the beach, reading her Bible. UNC already has eyes on her.”_

_Tobin’s been to camp multiple times by now, she was first promoted to the U-17 team as a fourteen year old. This is Coach Sermanni’s first year with them on the U-18 team._

_“Parents?” he asks. He’s trying to get a feel for his players, learn about them before he gets to know them personally. He’s been quizzing Dawn on the whole team._

_Dawn hesitates. “Eh, something’s off with them,” she says, “I can’t put my finger on it, they seem nice enough, but the Father,” she pauses. “there’s just something about him.”_

_She’s noticed Tobin seems much quieter this camp, more inside her head in just the few days she’s been here._

_“Head case?”_

_Dawn shrugs. “I hope not. He’s gotten loud at a few matches.” She admits. “She’s such a good kid.”_

_They’re on the pitch, battling for a 50/50 ball, Tobin angling herself into position to head it, leaping up when she feels an elbow catch her hard on her bad side. She yells out, crumpling to the ground, holding her ribs, on her knees, fighting back tears. The whistle blows and soon Dawn is at her side._

_“You alright?” she asks as she kneels next to Tobin, who’s now lying on the ground._

_Tobin nods, her eyes closed, a grimace on her face, “Just need a second.” She pants out. She moves to get up. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention. She could hear her Father’s voice in her head, yelling that she’s weak and needs to toughen up._

_Dawn puts her hand on her shoulder, pressing her down, “Give yourself a minute, it’s okay,” she assures her._

_Cheney approaches, “Dawn, she’s got a bruise on her side.” She confesses, not looking at Tobin. She has a feeling maybe Tobin didn’t tell her the whole story about her injury._

_She’s been thinking maybe Tobin’s home life isn’t so great._

_“Cheney!” Tobin hisses out, now struggling to sit up. She’s wiping the tears from her face._

_“Easy, easy,” Dawn says, getting on both knees, “I’m going to tap on your back okay?”_

_“Yeah,” Tobin nods, her breathing shallow._

_Dawn makes a fist and gently taps along the side of her spine. She nears the lower three ribs on her left side and taps._

_“Argh!” Tobin cries out in pain, feeling the hot searing agony traveling to her side, wincing and arching her back._

_“Okay,” Dawn soothes, “let’s go get some ice.”_

_“No, I’m good, really,” Tobin insists._

_Dawn shakes her head, “We’re gonna check you out.”_

_Tobin drops her head miserably, feeling Dawn take her right hand and help her up. She winces from the effort, her right hand going immediately to cover her side once she’s standing. She doesn’t look at Cheney, who’s standing there looking as if she might cry._

_Dawn leads her off the pitch, through the doors to the locker room, taking the first door to the training room._

 

 

May ??, 2006 

 

Tobin can’t take it anymore. Pastor Jim keeps picking on the girl again, making her cry. He’s trying to make her crack, she knows this. They’ve been in this room for hours, repeating scriptures, kneeling on the hard floor. She doesn’t know how many days has passed since he started in on her, but she’s had enough. 

“Now, Leviticus says,” Pastor Jim yells.

Tobin gathers all of her strength and stands up, “What about the New testament? What about Jesus and his message of love and acceptance?” She says angrily, her voice cracking from emotion. 

“You keep talking Old Testament Hell and damnation, but what about Jesus’ message of love and forgiveness?” She continues. 

“Remove her.” He says, wiping the sweat off his brow, taking steps to stand in front of her. 

“What about Isaiah 43:1?” Tobin questions, feeling hands grip her shoulders. “What about Galatians 3:23?” She shouts, twisting away from the hands and struggling to break free from whoever is holding her. She feels herself being pulled and fights back, waving her arms, feeling hands grip her harder. She’s in a bear hug, being lifted off the ground, kicking her legs hard into them. “What about John 4:7 you son of a bitch!” she screams, now seeing another man grab at her legs. 

Pastor Jim looks at her with disgust. “Send her to the room of thoughtful contemplation.” He says, giving her a smirk. 

Tobin is fighting with all of her might, seeing the night sky as she’s being carried across the path. They stop and she’s still struggling, another set of hands grips her head, the woman is next to her side. Tobin feels her arm being twisted painfully, she opens her mouth to yell out, and fingers dart into her mouth, forcing open, the woman plunging the syringe in, Tobin feels the liquid hit the back of throat. 

“NO!” she screams, fighting with renewed strength. She’s arching her back, trying to kick herself free. It’s of no use, the men are too strong. She’s being carried again, looking up to see the night sky. The stars. 

“No!” she struggles again, feeling a strange tiredness sweep through her. Her body not moving as much, the realization she’s been drugged again. “No,” she cries, weeping as she’s being carried. Her eyes close against her will, she’s still trying to move but can’t. 

“Jesus, she’s strong,” she hears one of the men mutter. Then silence. 

 

 

May ??, 2006

 

 

Well, Tobin thinks to herself, Pastor Jim was right. She’s got plenty of time to think here in thoughtful contemplation. She can’t see anything in the room, the blindfold is too tight. She woke up a little while ago, once again straining to free herself and failing. She has a terrible headache, she thinks it’s because she’s dehydrated and from whatever they gave her to knock her out. Her arms feel numb from being over her head, she keeps flexing her fingers to get some blood moving to them, her toes keep cramping from trying to keep herself upright. She’s stretched out, arms on a hook or something over her head and her bare toes barely able to hold her weight. Don’t mind me, just hanging around, she thinks darkly as she shakes her head. 

She sighs, grateful for the quiet. Every few minutes, a speaker begins blasting an angry voice, shouting Bible verses about damnation and other awful things. Then another voice, a calmer voice comes on, repeating how she is an abomination to God, how she must repent her sins for Jesus to forgive her. How being gay is a sin. A sin that would send you to Hell and bring eternal damnation upon you. The messages are getting repetitious, she thinks. 

It’s fucking with her head, the messages that are being repeated to her. So, in the quiet, Tobin thinks. She thinks about her life and what led her here, to this place, living in this moment. 

 

 

November, 2004 

 

_It’s the end of training camp, and the girls are waiting for the vans to take them to the airport._

_“AIM account?” Nope._

_“MySpace?” Never heard of it._

_“Your email?”_

_“Um, they only let me use that for school and soccer coaches. Nothing personal.” Tobin replies with regret._

_“What about just calling you on your home phone?” Alex asks, feeling exasperated._

_“My parents’ only allow ten minute calls,” Tobin shakes her head sadly at them._

_“Jesus!” Kelley exclaims, “You do live under a rock!”_

_Alex fumbles for a piece of paper and a pen. She shoves them at Tobin. “Write down your address.” Tobin looks at her, confused._

_“You can get mail, right?” Alex asks. Tobin nods and shrugs and begins to write down her information._

_She watches as her Father reads the paperwork she was sent home with from the Team Doctor and the Head of Fitness. He snorts when he finishes, tossing it on the table and dismissing her._

_After dinner, she was sent to her room, she’s at her door, having cracked it open to listen to the voices coming from downstairs. She can’t make out what exactly they’re yelling at each other about, but she hears ‘soccer’ and ‘scholarship’ and ‘cool it’._

_She hears her Father snarl something, his voice low and angry and she stiffens when she hears her Mother’s raised voiced, shouting at him. “You probably broke them weeks ago with your ‘training’ you asshole!”_

_It gets super quiet and Tobin shuts her door and retreats back to her bed._

_It takes only two days for Tobin realize that her Father is ignoring her. She’s practically invisible to him. He doesn’t speak to her, never asks her questions during dinner, he only sends withering looks and glares at her. It’s like she doesn’t exist to him. She notices her Mom giving her extra attention, genuinely asking her how she feels, giving her an ointment for her ribs. Intentionally sending her on errands as soon as her Father gets home so she’s out of the house._

_Over the next three weeks, she’s home a lot, not being cleared to practice or train with her club or PDA. She does go to physical therapy and does some light workouts there. She longboards to and from the facility, since her Father did tell her she would have to find her own way to get there. On some days, when her Mom’s around, she gives her rides while her Father is at work and even takes her lunch afterwards._

_They’ve been growing closer, her Mom really trying to be positive around her._

_The biggest bright spot is when she begins to receive mail._

_When she walks in the door today, her Father is sitting in the living room, a pile of mail next to him._

_“Hi, Dad,” she greets as she takes her coat off, holding it with her hand._

_“Put your items away and come back here.” He states, not looking at her._

_“Yes, sir.” She replies, surprised he spoke to her and moves quickly to the stairs. She gives Jeffrey a head nod as she passes the dining room. He gives her a nod and smile back._

_She puts her items away, making sure to put her workout clothes in her hamper before skipping down the stairs and returning to the living room._

_“Sit.” Her Father instructs._

_Tobin sits in one of the arm chairs._

_“You have twelve invitations to campus tours and meeting the soccer coaches from a variety of institutions. Your Mother and I will discuss which ones will be appropriate for you to visit.” He states, his voice stern and letting Tobin know there is no room for discussion._

_“Yes, sir.” She replies. She wonders if there is one from UNC._

_He holds up a pile of envelops. “Your Mother tells me you are receiving mail. Who is this from?”_

_“My National teammates, sir.” Tobin replies, she can feel her right thumb begin to rub her fingers nervously. She doesn’t think she can stop herself._

_“And why are you communicating in such an archaic manner with them? You haven’t been receiving any phone calls.” He states, there’s an edge of curiosity in his voice._

_“I know you do not wish for me to have long distance phone calls, sir. Since I am not allowed to use my email account for anything not related to school, I gave them my address.” Tobin replies._

_“You made a wise decision.” He says approvingly and giving her a head nod. He holds out the envelops towards her. She gets out of her chair and extends her hand to take them. He grips them tightly. “See that you pay for your own stamps, paper and envelops.”_

_“Yes, sir.” Tobin nods._

_He releases the envelops to her._

_“Dismissed.”_

_She flies upstairs to her bedroom, looking at the return addresses on the envelops. She’s got letters from Cheney, A-Rod, Alex, Ashlyn, Kling, Whit, and Pinoe. Even Sydney wrote to her._

_She holds back tears thinking of how kind it was of Alex to share her address with her teammates. Before she opens a single envelop, she gets out her address notebook and carefully records their addresses. She thinks about it for a whole minute and then repeats the addresses on another page of her notebook, tearing it out carefully and folding it up. She puts it in a pocket of her gear bag. Her Mom never looks in it, she thinks it will be safe tonight and then she’ll keep it in her locker at school. Just in case. Just in case her parents decide she shouldn’t write anymore letters to them and take away her address book._

_It pains her to think they would do that, but she knows it’s a possibility._

_She opens Alex’s letter first, smiling as she reads it. Alex has looping cursive writing, neat and aligned. She doesn’t used lined paper and still her lines are straight across, not going off on an angle. It’s perfect._

_She reads the others before dinner, and smiles to herself, knowing she will respond to Alex’s first. She’ll have time tonight because she doesn’t have much homework._

_Two days later, Tobin finds herself shoveling her neighbors’ driveways and sidewalks during the next snowfall. She walked two miles in the cold to the post office to purchase her stamps and then stopped at the office supply to buy envelops and basic paper lined paper._

_Alex’s letter was filled with mundane goings on, talking about her school, asking Tobin how her ribs were feeling, about her college choices and if she’s gone on any campus visits yet. Light and airy, nothing too serious._

_Cheney fills a couple of pages about her family, her thoughts about college. Recent scriptures she’s read and her opinions on it and asking Tobin for hers. She recommends a book about Ephesians, knowing Tobin had shared that it was one of her favorite books of the Bible._

_A-Rod’s letter is similar, although she does tease Tobin about her love of Arsenal, she also asks serious questions about her faith, she wants to know what her Youth Group is like, if she’s done any mission trips._

_As Tobin writes back to each of them, she finds herself thinking that they wrote their letters with the thought that Tobin’s parents might be reading them._

_Ashlyn’s letter is surprisingly serious. She shares stories about her homelife, how her brother is addicted to drugs, her struggles with her Mother, how the grass is not always greener when comparing yourself to your friends and she can’t wait to get to college. She hints at liking girls, writing about cute ones she sees and knows at school. She’s incredibly articulate in her letter which is such a contrast in how her and Tobin speak, their conversations filled with dude’s and bro and fist bumps._

_Tobin thought Kling was a pretty funny person at camp, she finds out that she’s hilarious on paper. One page is full of stupid jokes, another is filled with crazy observations about what happened at camp. One was her top ten list of ultimate pranks to play to teammates. Tobin laughed out loud through her whole letter._

_Whit is calm, discussing school mostly, her fears of failure, how she wants to be a lawyer but wants to play soccer for as long as she can. Her ultimate dream is to make it to the Olympic or World Cup squad._

_Pinoe discusses her homosexually so openly and freely it brings tears to Tobin’s eyes. Reading about Pinoe dating a girl older than her and their activities makes Tobin blush, but she’s hungry to read more. She writes about how she came out to her family and how easy they accepted her, how she knows she is so lucky in that regard. She surprises Tobin in writing about how she’s impressed and a little jealous with how devout Tobin is to Jesus and can still be so cool at the same time._

_A letter from Syd is surprising to Tobin and she finds it is hands down hilarious. She writes about how her goal in college is to get on the National Team, find a husband and get a dog. She discusses her past dating failures and how idiotic some boys are and clueless in how to treat a girl._

_Tobin responds to each letter carefully, making sure to answer any questions and making sure her thoughts are clear. She finds her asking Pinoe how she knew she was gay, what were the signs, how she felt about it. How she felt God felt about it._

_In her letter to Ashlyn, she shares some of the scriptures she turns to when she feels helpless about her Father. She doesn’t say much about him, but does hint that things at her home aren’t as wonderful as people seem._

_When she does her before school run, she has a few envelops in her hand, dropping them into the mailbox she passes with a smile on her face._

_Over the next couple of months between camps, she feels herself growing closer to these girls, even if some are on a more superficial level than others._

_When she gets a letter from Kelley who exclaims she’s pissed about not having her address until now, Tobin feels bad. She didn’t think to reach out to any of the girls asking for other teammates’ addresses. She just didn’t think anyone would want to contact her by writing letters. She thought it was embarrassing that it was the only way they could communicate. Kelley’s letter is mostly filled about her progress of feeding the chipmunks in her yard and the names and descriptions of each one. But towards the end of her letter, she carefully writes about Tobin being strong on the inside and any struggles she might be having she can overcome. She sends a photocopy of a short poem about hope and the future that brings tears to Tobin’s eyes as she reads it._

_When Tobin reads her letter again, she finds how complex it is, just like Kelley, silly and light hearted, yet smart, perceptive, kind, and thoughtful._

 

 

May ??, 2006 

 

Tobin twists her torso, trying to rub her head against her arm to loosen the blindfold. It’s on too tight and she can’t make it move at all. Her headache is getting worse. She’s getting so uncomfortable, her calves are cramping from being on her toes so long. 

She thinks about her friends, hoping they are doing well. There’s a camp coming up in the middle of June. Tobin hopes she can make it. She’s beginning to think that she should hope to be physically able to make it out of here. She hopes she will be home by then. The plan was to sign her letter of intent at the end of the school year, actually on May 30th, the day after her birthday, when she is eighteen. She convinced her parents to wait because she wanted her soccer coach there with her when she signed. The other reason is because she’s signing to go to UNC. Her Mom gave her all of the paperwork, insisting she give it to her coach, explaining quietly that her Father wants her to go to a different school, but she knows UNC is where Tobin wants to go. Her Mom told her how she knew it was her dream, she saw how much Tobin loved it on their campus visit and she feels it’s her life and once she’s eighteen, she can make that decision. 

Her Mom has done everything she can to make sure the plans are in place for Tobin to sign her letter of commitment to them. She’s been running interference between Tobin and her Father, making sure Tobin’s coach has the paperwork and knows Tobin is doing this. She’s already sent in the papers to UNC and spoke to Coach Dorrance and explained things a bit to him. She intercepts the mail and hides it from Tobin’s Father. 

Tobin’s been a nervous wreck about going against her Father, but her Mom assures he it will all work out. She just kept repeating to her that there’s a plan and in time she will see how it will all work out. 

Tobin is so grateful to her. 

She knew right away that her Father didn’t like Coach Dorrance, but Tobin did. She loved the campus, loved that her dorm would be right by the soccer field, loved how the facility was laid out. She got the sense that Coach knew her Father was different, he was certainly polite to him, but Tobin noticed right away he carried himself differently and answer her Father’s questions with the utmost confidence. 

She just loved everything about it. She wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to go there, desperately. They were offering her a full ride, she wouldn’t have to depend on her parents. She had saved a couple of thousand dollars with her grass cutting job and the day after her birthday, she planned to open her own bank account, closing out the ones her parents were on and being just hers. If things got really bad, she had the beginnings of a back up plan of sneaking out and living with Perry or asking Cheney or her coach until she had to go to school. 

She takes a deep breath and lets the air out slowly, concentrate, she says to herself, is there a way out of this. An idea pops into her head, she gathers all of her strength to hop from her tippy toes, extending her arms and trying to pop them over the hook. 

It doesn’t work and she cries out from pain in her shoulders as she lands, her shoulders feeling like they’re being pulled off from her body. She cries, beginning to feel hopeless.   
Just then, a loud voice begins speaking. 

“You are worthless and weak. You are unlovable. Only through our Savior, Jesus Christ, can you be worthy.” 

“You are here because you on the path to spend eternity in Hell. Satan has his claws in you and you must turn from his sinful ways.” 

The voice goes on, alternating speaking quietly and shouting at her. 

Her last thoughts before she gives in to exhaustion are that maybe the voice is right. 

 

She wakes from a painful muscle cramp in her calf, rising on one leg to try and stretch it out. She grimaces, a whine escaping her mouth as she tries to work the cramp out, trying to stay as still as possible to not rock her body and make her shoulders sore. She cries in frustration at not being able to get the cramp out, letting her toes point down and doing her best to ignore the pain.

She zones out and relaxes as best she can, she doesn’t think she can fall asleep, but she feels her breathing slowing as she falls into a troubled sleep. 

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

Perry Heath sits at her desk in her office, looking out the window. She’s anxious. She hasn’t heard from Katie, her Mom or Dawn. Nobody knows anything. She knows the plan is in place, but they haven’t heard if they were successful. 

The guilt she’s carrying is immense. I could have tried to stop this, she thinks, a tear streaking down her face, I should have tried to stop this. I was too selfish to just look after myself and didn’t though. 

I’ll never know how Tobin could go through what she has and still even love me, she thinks. 

Her thoughts turn to her Father. When Tobin gets out of that damn camp, that’s it. It won’t happen again. He won’t ever lay a finger on her again. She sniffs and looks at her desk, a sad smile coming to her face when she sees the photo of her and Tobin. 

Her thoughts drift. 

 

June 2005

 

_“Think she’s gonna make it?” Katie inquires from their hiding spot. They’re in Katie’s room on the second floor looking out from a crevice of her drapes. After running laps in the yard until she puked and then ran more laps, puking again, Tobin is now on the patio, kneeling, repeating something back to her Father while she’s holding a heavy brick in each hand with her arms out straight from her sides._

_“I don’t know,” Perry says slowly, judging Tobin’s strength._

_“She’s gonna beat him this time.” Katie predicts, there’s a fire in her voice._

_“Girls?” a voice calls out. It’s their Mother at the door. They swivel to face her, guilt etched on their faces._

_“Get away from the window!” she hisses, walking into the room, “You don’t want your Father to see you watching.” She warns._

_They get up from their positions, backing away._

_“Mom, he’s either gonna kill her, or make her crazy, if he hasn’t already.” Perry says boldly. She’s only here for another couple days and then it’s back to college for her. She’s planning on getting a job so she doesn’t have to come home as much and has a valid excuse._

_“Why does he do this to her? He never did this to Katie and me. It’s not normal.” She says scornfully._

_“Perry,” her Mother warns, “stop.”_

_“It’s abuse!” Perry says loudly and angrily. “Is it just because Tobin isn’t” she stops when Mother raises her hand, palm up at her._

_Her Mother’s eyes flicker at that, her cheeks become red. “Girls, just,” she pauses, collecting herself, “you know if your Father hears that, you’ll be joining her.”_

_That scares Perry enough to shut her up. “I’m sorry Mom,” she says quietly, feeling she’s betrayed Tobin somehow by backing down._

_“Go to your room.” She orders._

_Katie looks on, scared. “And you,” her Mom points at her, “you have tennis practice early tomorrow, lights out in five.”_

_“Yes, Mom.” Katie says, eyes lowered._

 

 

May 23, 2006

I was such a chickenshit, Perry thinks, shaking her head. 

Please God, she prays, help her. Get Tobin free of this. 

 

 

May 23, 2006

 

 

Dawn Scott sits in a motel room, her cell phone next to her on the table. She shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be involved in this. But she can’t turn away from knowing this was happening after the girls called her and told her. 

She lifts the glass of bourbon to her lips, taking a small sip. I could get fired for this. I could go to jail for this. I could upset a lot of people if they knew I was in on this, she thinks. If this ever went public, it would rock the soccer world. 

It’s been sixteen months since she’s had this feeling, this sense of dread. Sixteen months since she sat down and shared her suspicions. U.S. Soccer took it seriously as they would for any player in their program, but especially for such a talented player who was rapidly rising through the ranks. They followed all of the procedures, obeyed the letter of the law and still nothing could be done. Their hands were tied. 

But I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t here right now, she thinks as she looks at her phone anxiously, hoping everything goes smooth. She thinks about what led her here, to this place. To this little town in Michigan.

She glances at her phone. The girls should be here soon, she thinks as she remembers her first time she knew something was really wrong with Tobin’s home life. 

 

 

November, 2004

 

_“Have a seat on the table and take off your jersey,” Dawn instructs, eying Tobin as she slowly gets up on the table, legs hanging down, sliding out of her jersey, right arm first and then her left. She’s been doing it this way for the last two weeks, it doesn’t hurt as bad._

_Dawn eyes the bruise, it’s faded into greens and yellows, but it’s still large on her thin torso. Old bruise, she surmises, couple of weeks, she judges by the colors._

_“What happened to you to get this?” she asks casually, not wanting to put Tobin on guard._

_“Just a knock training,” Tobin replies. She’s not lying, technically that’s what they were doing._

_Dawn nods, “With your club?” she asks, knowing she would have a medical report from them if it had occurred with the team._

_“Nah,” Tobin answers, “in the backyard.”_

_Dawn nods. She decides to take a chance. “Your Dad?”_

_Tobin just can’t lie. She feels like she should say no, but she can’t. She slowly nods her head, eyes on her feet swinging off the bench. She’s suddenly nervous. She bites her lower lip and her right thumb begins rubbing on her index and middle fingers quickly._

_Dawn’s been around for awhile to notice these signals that Tobin’s giving off. “My Dad and older brothers used to knock me silly when I was your age,” she says, making sure her voice is calm and pleasant, “it happens.” She waves her hand dismissively. She’s known Tobin well enough to have seen some of her nervous tics, the finger thing and when she bounces her leg and that deer in headlights look she gets sometimes when she’s overwhelmed._

_Maybe this won’t be so bad, Tobin considers, slowly looking up at her._

_“We’re going to take some X-rays, just to be safe,” Dawn advises, “it’s protocol and we must follow it.”_

_“Okay,” Tobin agrees slowly._

_“Shower up and come back here,” Dawn instructs, “Erica is going to hang out just to make sure you’re okay.”_

_A knock is heard and they both look, it’s Erica, one of the other trainers entering the room._

_“X-rays?” she asks Dawn. Dawn nods. “Both sides. Do a quick ultrasound, left side only, as well. Take her after her shower, okay?”_

_“Tobin, you’ve met Erica, right?” Dawn asks, eying her._

_“Yeah, hi,” she says quietly as she slides slowly off the table and follows her out of the room._

_She’s back in the training room, lying on the angled table in under thirty minutes, an ice bag wrapped to her side as Dawn hands her a Gatorade and walks to the door._

_“I’ll be right back,” Dawn states, her hand on the door, “just relax, I’m going to check on the results.”_

_Tobin’s mind begins to wander. What if they’re broke. Will they send me home, she wonders. I can’t go home, my Dad will be so mad if I come home because of this. Oh, please, God, don’t let my ribs be broken. Please just let them be bruised, she prays. She can feel the panic rising in her._

_Dawn reappears and Tobin can’t get a read on her expression. She pulls a rolling chair towards the side of the table and sits down._

_“You have some bruised ribs,” she begins. Yes, thank you, God, Tobin shouts in her head._

_“And a small fracture in two of them.” She finishes._

_All of the color drains from Tobin’s face, no, no, no, this can’t be, she thinks, not broken. Tears spring to her eyes._

_“We’re going to give you anti-inflammatories and some pain meds,” Dawn continues calmly, watching her closely, “and wrap them so they feel better.”_

_“I can still practice?” Tobin asks hopefully._

_Dawn shakes her head, “Not for a bit.” She answers._

_Tobin’s breathing begins to pick up. “But I, really, I’m fine,” she tries, rushing to speak. Then she looks at Dawn, “Please don’t send me home,” she pleads, her eyes large, filled with fear._

_Panic begins to form in her. “Please,” she begs._

_“You need to rest for a few days,” Dawn says, her British accent clipping her words._

_Tobin’s breathing becomes more rapid, her hand going to side, the pain in her ribs flaring up. “No,” she breathes out, beginning to pant. She suddenly can’t catch her breath and her chest is tightening, making her feel out of control._

_“Just calm down,” Dawn soothes, “just relax, just breathe, we aren’t going to send you home.”_

_Tobin doesn’t hear her over her breathing, her head is pounding, her chest hurts now, she lifts her hand to it, “Not home,” she begs, the tears flowing. Get yourself together, Heath, she admonishes herself, but it’s no use. She’s officially freaking out. She’s starting to panic because she can’t catch her breath and the pain is making her cry out every time she tries to suck in air._

_“Erica!” Dawn shouts out, getting off her chair and striding over to grab the oxygen tank._

_Erica rushes in the room, her eyes wide seeing Tobin._

_“Get Doc,” Dawn orders, “tell her to bring her bag.” She instructs, putting the mask over Tobin’s nose and mouth. “You’re going to be okay.” she soothes calmly, turning on the oxygen and letting it flow through the line. “It’s going to be alright.”_

_She’s pained to see this good kid having a panic attack at the thought of having to go home. Something isn’t right. She knows it. She’s known Tobin for a few years now and it hurts her heart to see this normally happy child unravel before her. It’s so out of character for her. She’ll have to tread very carefully, she can feel Tobin’s pretty fragile._

_“Just breathe,” she says, her voice calming Tobin down, “in and out, that’s good, you’re doing great.”_

_Tobin is wheezing, moaning in pain with each inhale. She can’t stop her eyes from watering, the pain is intense, her chest hurts, she feels like she just can’t breathe. Her ribs are killing her, she’s never felt such pain before._

_The door flies open, Dr. Thomas entering quickly, looking over to the table. “Panic attack?” she asks, dropping her bag on the table next to her them. Dawn nods._

_“Tobin,” Doc says, “I’m going to give you a little something to relax you.”_

_Tobin’s eyes widen at that, but the pain she’s feeling overrides her fear. She’s never had to take any pain meds before._

_“Here’s her chart, no allergies,” Dawn says, sliding over Tobin’s file._

_Doc nods and roots around in her bag._

_Soon Tobin is melting into the table. She can barely keep her eyes open, she’s so tired. She’s feels fine, like she could go ninety minutes on the pitch. Kind of like she’s floating._

_She’s never felt like this before. But she can’t seem to move her limbs very well and her head is fuzzy._

_“We’re going to take you back to the hotel, Tobin, so you can take a nap, alright?” Erica says, pushing a wheelchair towards the table._

_“I’m good,” Tobin slurs, “I can finish practice.”_

_Doc, Dawn and Erica laugh quietly, “Not today,” Doc says, laying her hand on Tobin’s shoulder. “Doctor’s orders.”_

_Dawn meets Lauren in the lobby as the team filters in from practice._

_“Lauren, can I have a word?” she asks, waving her hand to catch her attention._

_“Is Tobin okay?” Lauren asks immediately, looking at her fearfully. “Is she in the hospital?”_

_Dawn shakes her head, “She’s okay, a couple of cracked ribs. She’s up in her room. I’d like to talk to you, though, can I buy you a coffee?” Dawn knows she’s treading on dangerous ground, normally she would never think to involve another player in this, but she just has this nagging feeling that something is terribly wrong. She’s known Lauren just as long as she’s known Tobin and knows Lauren is a good, smart, mature kid, and a close friend to Tobin as well as her roommate for this camp. Dawn sees a few of the players eying them as they walk towards the coffee shop._

_“Get whatever you want, my treat,” Dawn encourages her, “I know you’ll run it off later,” she laughs lightly, trying to dispel the nervousness she feels from Lauren. They order the drinks and find a quiet corner to sit._

_Lauren looks at her nervously, “Dawn, I, uh,” she starts, “something’s not right with Tobin.” She breathes out a sigh, as if she’s just lifted a heavy burden._

_“What do you think is going on?” Dawn asks, “Has Tobin told you something to make you feel this way?” these questions are good, not sharing with Lauren her concerns just yet, not tipping her hand._

_“Well, not exactly,” Lauren says, scratching her arm and looking down, “but that bruise on her ribs and…” she pauses and sighs, “it’s what she doesn’t say.”_

_“I’m listening,” Dawn encourages her._

_“Well, Tobin, she’s,” Lauren thinks a moment, “she’s different, you know? So quiet, but she can be so fun. She’s super sensitive, like, and she’s maybe not had a lot of experiences, like in public? Like, she’s been really alone a lot?” Lauren huffs, “I mean, I know she has friends and stuff, but I think her parents are super strict. She told me once she never went to a sleepover.” She looks at Dawn incredulously, “I mean, what soccer player has never been to a sleepover, right?” Dawn nods in agreement._

_“And she’s so, like, nervous, about stuff.” Lauren continues, now that she’s found someone to talk to about this, she can’t stop herself, “I think her Dad makes her nervous,” she says, “and scared.”_

_Dawn leans back in her chair, “I thought her parents were very nice?” she asks, baiting her._

_Lauren shakes her head, “I think they are, but I think it’s an act.” She confesses. This kid knows what’s up, Dawn thinks to herself._

_“How do you mean?” Dawn asks._

_“Well, like, Tobin just gets so uptight around them, like they’re going to do something to her, or say something about her. Not, like, she’s afraid they’ll embarrass her, but like, afraid they’ll hurt her. She gets so nervous. More her Dad than her Mom. I think her Mom is just as scared of Mr. Heath as Tobin is.” Lauren is nervously playing with her coffee cup._

_“Hmm,” Dawn says, mulling this over. Lauren is just reinforcing the things she felt upon meeting Tobin’s parents. Fake, devoted Christian couple with the perfect family._

_“I think her Dad drinks.” Lauren whispers, head down. “And I think he does stuff to, like, punish her.” She looks around the deserted area before looking at Dawn with fear in her eyes. “My Mom thinks something is wrong too.”_

_Dawn nods again, “I think we have to be very careful about this Lauren,” Dawn states, “we can’t make any accusations nor talk with others about this, okay? We can’t be spreading any rumors.”_

_Dawn sees Lauren’s face turning a shade of red, “What?”_

_“Some of us have talked about it,” Lauren admits, eyes down, voice so soft Dawn almost couldn’t hear her. “It’s just that, Tobin’s so sweet, she’s such an awesome person when you get to know her, we couldn’t take it any longer.”_

_“I see,” Dawn says, “well, you tell the others to come and see me if they want to talk about this. There’s rules and laws about this type of thing, so we have to be extremely careful.”_

_“What can we do to help her?” Lauren asks, her eyes beginning to fill with tears._

_“Just be a good friend to her,” Dawn advises, “like you’ve been doing. Support her, encourage her.”_

_“Can’t we get her away from them?” she asks._

_Dawn shakes her head, “This is very serious. She’s not eighteen. We have to follow all of the rules and laws before anyone can say anything. Got it?”_

_“Yes.” Lauren replies._

_“I’m serious. Nothing can be said publicly.” Dawn warns her._

_“I understand.” Lauren agrees._

_Assistant coach Jill Ellis is in the elevator as Dawn gets on it._

_“How’s Tobin?” she asks her._

_Dawn grimaces, “Couple of cracked ribs.” She replies._

_“Ouch,” Jill shakes her head, “poor kid, that sucks.”_

_“Yeah,” Dawn replies as the doors open. She heads straight to Tom’s room, knocking on the door._

_“Hey,” Tom greets, opening to the door to let her in, “how’s Tobin?” he questions._

_“Two cracked ribs.” She answers, sitting down in the office chair across from his desk._

_“Crap.” He says, shaking his head. “You going to send her home?”_

_“No.” she shakes her head. “I think we need to call in Michael for this.”_

_Michael Davenport is the head of security for the team. He makes sure the kids don’t get too wild in their down time, explains cultural behavior when they travel to other countries and makes sure the security is tight wherever they are. He is also in charge of making sure families of players aren’t getting into any trouble that can shed a poor light on the organization and give them bad PR. There’s only been a few instances where he’s had to talk to parents about their behavior at matches and how they treat their child. Those haven’t been pleasant. Mr. Heath has been on the watch list for some time._

_Tom raises an eyebrow at her as he reaches for the phone. There’s a knock a minute later._

_“So, Tobin took a hit in practice today,” Dawn explains, “She’s got two cracked ribs.”_

_“Okay,” Michael looks up from his notepad. He gives her a slightly confused look, he’s usually not called in to discuss an injury during practice._

_“Doc said the fractures were already beginning to heal. It’s a previous injury. She has a nasty bruise in the same area, probably a couple of weeks old, judging by the color. Said she got it training.”_

_Both men nod._

_“There’s nothing on her club or PDA files.” Dawn states. “Said it happened with her Dad.”_

_She eyes Michael and Tom, their expressions harden. Both of them have kids._

_“Well, this could be just a one time thing, stuff happens.” Tom says, not wanting to hang Mr. Heath with just this shred of a story._

_“I agree.” Dawn interjects, “but I had them take X-rays on both sides of her ribs. Couple of fractures on her right side as well, probably over a year or two old. Again, nothing in her files, nothing on the family physician report, like a car accident or anything.”_

_“That does seem a little suspicious.” Michael nods._

_“Maybe just give a sniff,” Tom says slowly, “check police reports, check for domestic violence, check the school, that kind of thing.”_

_“There’s one more thing.” Dawn adds, “Tom, I know you don’t her very well, but Tobin is a stable young woman with a good head on her shoulders. Maybe a tad carefree at times, lives in her own little world, but she knows when to be serious. She’s a good kid.”_

_“Okay, I trust your judgement, you both know her better than I do.” He nods as he replies._

_“She had a full blown panic attack today when she thought we might send her home from camp because of her injury. Like, hyperventilate, need to be sedated, panic attack. That’s never happened before. While I know there could be a host of reasons for that to happen, I think something is going on, something very serious and we need to do what we can to help and protect her.”_

_Both men nod again. Michael scribbling in his notebook._

_“I suspect her friends on the team believe she’s being abused. Just from the scuttlebutt I’ve heard.” Dawn concludes._

_“I’ll get on this now, see what comes up,” Michael states, “if we need to talk to the lawyers, we will.”_

_“Good idea.” Tom says with a sigh. “I hope we’re wrong.”_

_“So do I,” Dawn agrees._


	3. Chapter 3

_May 22, 2006_

_Katie Heath is in her car, driving back to her college. She left immediately after speaking with her Mother, learning about where they sent Tobin. She thinks about how her Mom broke down, getting the papers from her Father’s office. How she claimed she didn’t know it was such a terrible place. How she cried as she tried to explain how hard she fought with him about not doing this._

_How she knew Tobin was gay and didn’t care. She loves her for who she is._

_Katie berates herself thinking back of all the times her and Tobin had together, when she would be talking a mile a minute about some boy for hours and Tobin listening patiently, asking some questions to show she was paying attention. When Katie would hastily ask her if there were any boys in her life, Tobin’s response would be not really, or that soccer takes up too much of her time for that stuff. Katie never pursued it or asked her about much of anything else._

_She should have known. She should have asked, but she was too caught up in her own world back then to even think about it. She always thought of Tobin as her little sister, not ever thinking about her dating anyone. How she turned a blind eye towards how their Father would punish her. All the nights Tobin spent in the backyard, running, sweating, having her Father shout at her. Pushing her. Being so incredibly cruel to her with how he spoke to her. Making her memorize all those scriptures from the Bible, having to repeat them while having horrible things done to her. He was strict with all of them, but he took it to another level with Tobin. How she never asked if Tobin was hurting from how their Father treated her._

_And her Father saying it was all for her to learn how to love God and not be so weak._

_Those nights in the basement that God only knows what he was doing to her._

_That bastard._

_How she was too scared to speak up, to even try and help Tobin. She knew Perry would often go and talk to her after those sessions she had with their Father, but Katie never would. She was terrified of getting caught. She was terrified of her Father turning his attention to her._

_Why didn’t he train her like he did Tobin, she wonders. Why did he just allow her to have her tennis lessons and not make any suggestions or have her train in her off season. He never spoke up or got loud at any of her matches. Why does he push Tobin so hard. Could it be because Tobin, nah, she dismisses the thought._

_She knows she is a coward. She knows she just stayed out of it so she could get out of the house and in to college. She knows that selfishly, she just did what she could to get by and not be in his sights._

_And how could Tobin be so kind to her, get her gifts on her birthday, or at Christmas and tell her she loved her so much, she wonders. How could she not resent me or Perry or even Jeffrey. How could she not hate us. I’m the worst sister ever. How could Tobin offer herself to her, listening to her, loving her, being so kind to her._

_How could her beautiful and loving spirit not be broken yet after all of this, she wonders._

_She prays they’re not too late for that to have already happened._

 

 

May ??, 2006 

 

Is this really happening, Tobin wonders, shifting her weight from her left to right foot. She’s sore, her leg muscles aching, her shoulders screaming, her headache is pounding and she feels like vomiting from the pain. She’s trembling from being cold, she can feel the goosebumps all over her body. 

God, I’ve been faithful to you as best as I can. I love you, she cries as she thinks about her situation. I never sought to feel this like this about girls, it just happened. I never even explored it until Chelsea came along. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, it’s just the way I am. 

I feel if I lie to these people and tell them I like boys and have seen the error of my ways, I’ll be lying to you. It’s not true. I feel it in my bones. I can’t explain the attraction, I can’t explain the desire. It’s just there. 

Lord, she prays, if it’s not too much to ask, can you give me a sign that it’s okay? Can you give me a sign that You are here and not mad at me? 

She whimpers as she shifts her weight again, her right shoulder pulling, it feels like it’s coming out of the socket. She cries out in pain, trying to stretch her foot out completely to gain some height. 

She feels her body grow warmer, her pain decreasing, her head not throbbing anymore. I don’t want to die, she sniffles at the thought. This is it, she thinks, my body just can’t take this, this is how I’m going to die. She weeps. 

Is that you, God, she questions as she feels the dizziness and she passes out. 

 

 

_February, 2006_

_“Get your head out of your ass and find your target!” Tobin hears her Father’s voice over everything else on the field as she moves to take a corner kick._

_The U-20 National Team is playing a friendly in Phoenix, Arizona and Tobin’s family is here for it. It’s a late afternoon match and the team is down a goal against Sweden. The set piece calls for Tobin to pass it to Carli who will loft the ball in the box. They’ve been practicing different set pieces during camp and this is a new one._

_She sets the play in motion, hearing her Father swearing at her as she runs to her position, watching as the ball gets deflected and Sweden moves from defense to offense._

_Her Father has been railing at her all match, walking down the aisle of the stands from end to end, shouting instructions to Tobin that go completely against the game plan from her coach. It wasn’t so bad during the first half, he was a little quieter, but now, here in the sixtieth minute, he’s lost his cool. Calling Tobin stupid, urging her to take the game into her hands, shouting at her to not pass it to Allie or Pinoe and calling them useless. His voice finding her ears every time he speaks._

_A Swedish player goes down and she’s on the ground for awhile so the players huddle near the midline to drink some water and talk. Tobin has her back to the bench so she won’t see her Father stalking the sidelines, he’s quiet right now._

_She’s so embarrassed that he’s been so vocal, she just wants to slither away and die. Especially since he’s been calling out other players this half. She takes a drink as she feels her right index and middle fingers furiously rub against her thumb, her leg twitching. She keeps her eyes down, stationing herself steps away from the group. She can’t face them right now. If anyone looks at her right now, she’ll just start crying and she doesn’t want to do that._

_Alex pats her back as Tobin moves back into position as play resumes. Nobody said anything to her during their short break, but she felt their eyes on her the whole time. The ball comes to her and she breaks down the side of the field, nutmegging one defender and getting open. She looks up to see the forwards streaking towards the box and she senses a defender coming in._

_She lets loose with a pass to Alex and feels the cleats on the side of her leg, taking her down, the pain flashing. She curls up, bringing her hands to the side of her shin, wincing. She’s breathing heavy, just trying to let the pain leave when she hears it._

_“Get up you weakling!” Her Father shouts, “That was nothing! Stop acting, you won’t get the foul!”_

_Pinoe trots over, laying a hand on her back as she slowly gets to her knees._

_“Don’t let that dyke touch you!” His angry voice rises above the crowd noise._

_Tobin looks up fearfully at Pinoe, her eyes welling with tears. “Pinoe,” she starts, her voice trembling, she’s scared, she’s embarrassed, she doesn’t want Pinoe mad at her._

_Pinoe just smirks, extending her hand to Tobin, “Let’s show him how some dykes can tear up the pitch, Tobs,” she sends her wink, as Tobin takes her hand and stands._

_The ref is giving the Swedish player a yellow card and has the ball at Tobin’s feet. Pinoe is standing next to her, rubbing her back, “It’s cool dude,” she assures her. “Now look, we’ll load up far side and have Allie at near post. You take the shot.”_

_They can both hear the arguing going on behind them, her Father shouting that seventeen is her daughter. Then it gets quiet. He’s been escorted out._

_“Pinoe,” Tobin argues, shaking her head._

_“Get your head in the game.” She says, her eyes kind. “Just focus. Take the shot. Go for it. We’ve got time to score if it doesn’t go in.” Pinoe urges, smacking her butt and trotting away, shouting to the others setting up the play._

_Tobin resets the ball, takes a deep breath and looks out at the field. She raises her hand, then drops it and takes the shot. She smacks the ball hard, sending it curling towards the far side, spinning tightly as it begins to tail in, the ball bending, spiraling, confusing the keeper and sliding into the upper ninety towards the near post._

_Tobin stands there, stunned, the ball went in. Her teammates surround her, laughing and hugging her._

_They play on, Alex scoring twice with Tobin giving her an assist in the victory._

_She’s the first on the bus, freshly showered, knowing her parents are waiting for her back at the hotel. Her foot is bouncing, her fingers moving rapidly, she’s trying to breath evenly as her mind races. Her teammates begin to filter onto the bus, those moving to sit behind her giving her a high five as they pass._

_Alex slides in to the seat next to her, patting her thigh. “Great match,” she smiles at her._

_“Thanks, you too.” Tobin nods at her, then looking out the window._

_Alex grabs her hand and intertwines their fingers and gives it a squeeze. Tobin sighs and relaxes a little._

_Alex leads Tobin to her room, ignoring anyone who calls to them. Alex had her roommate Syd’s bag with her, Syd had met her parents in the lobby and left with them already._

_Tobin drops her backpack and goes straight to the bathroom, dropping to her knees and vomiting violently into the toilet._

_Cheney knocks on the door, “Here,” she says to a guarded Alex, “some clothes for Tobin.” Then she’s gone._

_They had talked in the locker room after Tobin left, Alex suggested just hiding Tobin in her room so she wouldn’t have to see her parents. Cheney said she’d bring her some clothes._

_“Do you want to sneak out and eat with my parents?” Alex asks her, as Tobin slowly changes in front of her._

_Tobin shakes her head, “Thanks, but no.” she replies, “I don’t want to make trouble for you guys.”_

_“It’s not making trouble, Tobin,” Alex insists, “just come with us.”_

_“Thanks, but no.” Tobin says firmly, tying her gym shoes. “Just letting me hang here is trouble enough for you.” She stands, “I don’t want you involved in this, okay?” She pleads, “If I go with you, it will cause so much trouble, please.”_

_“What are you going to do?” Alex asks, “You just can’t ignore them.”_

_“I can tonight,” Tobin replies, “I’ll text my Mom I’m not coming and just hang here, I’ve got money for room service. I’ll be fine.”_

_“But, Tobin,” Alex says, “what about when you get home?”_

_“It’s just a few months and then I’ll be free,” she says, her lips trembling. She takes a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. Go, your parents are waiting.”_

_Alex reluctantly edges to the door, her hand on the knob, her reluctance in leaving obvious. “Okay,” she sighs, “but Tobin, we’re talking about this when I get back, okay?”_

_Tobin nods, “Okay,” she agrees quietly._

_Alex turns and pulls the door. It’s gets pushed open wider and she sees a seething Mr. Heath in the doorway. She gasps, stepping back as he enters the room._

_“Your parents are waiting for you, Alex.” He mutters, his eyes on Tobin._

_Alex looks back at Tobin, who gives her a slight nod._

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

They’re only an hour out until they get to the hotel to meet Dawn, Allie thinks. We’ll eat some dinner, go over the plan and then wait for dark and get her. In and out. Everyone knows their role. They’ve read the forums posts, studied the maps, looked at Google Earth to make sure they knew the lay of the land. Allie’s job was to drive. She’ll hang back, they’ve got two way radios and when once they get Tobin, she’ll time herself to be on the road and pick them up. 

They’ll go straight back to the hotel and go from there. Dawn’s staying at a hotel an hour away from the camp, so she’s not so close to the action. Once they’re all in the van on their way back, Allie will text her with a coded message. 

She thought the coded message idea was silly until she read one of the posts about an escape gone wrong. She shivers in her seat as she drives, not wanting to think about it. 

It’s funny, she thinks, her being here and doing this. She thought Alex fainted when she told her she was in on the plan, she was so quiet of on the phone. Sure, her and Tobin aren’t like, best friends or anything, but they’ve hung out and gotten to know each other a bit. But Allie felt a deep connection to her, something she couldn't explain. It was like she instantly knew they would be friends, good, real, solid, friends as soon as she met her. 

Allie’s family fosters kids from time to time and they had all kinds of kids in their house with different stories. Ones that had parents die and were waiting for the courts to appoint a family member as guardian, ones that had parents in jail for drugs and the ones who were removed from their homes because they were abused.

She could tell just from how Tobin acted, something wasn’t right in her house. She mentioned it to her Mom, who was finishing her Master’s degree in counseling. After they met Tobin’s parents a few times, her Mom pulled her aside and told her to be as supportive as she could when she chance was given. Her Mom telling her that made Allie think she was right in her judgement of Tobin’s situation. 

Tobin was so guarded the first time they talked, she was super nice, but she didn’t give out much about herself. It was like she was constantly filtering her answers, not speaking much, just listening and joining in occasionally.

Except for this past February. That’s when Allie knew something had changed. Something deep in Tobin, something she was trying to process and understand. Allie likes to think she helped her, maybe gave her some courage to do what she wanted to do. 

She thinks back on that. 

 

 

_February, 2006_

_It’s two days before their second match and a few of the girls are at the pool, hanging out after a grueling practice. Tobin is sprawled out on a lounge chair, wearing a tank top over her bikini and a pair of black board shorts. She’s got a New York Giants snapback on, turned backwards and her sunglasses. She’s got her Bible, reading some scripture while Pinoe, Ashlyn and Kelley are splashing around, tossing a football to each other and making dramatic catches in the water._

_“Yo, Tobin!” Pinoe yells out, Tobin looking up to get her hands up just in time to catch the ball. She smiles and tosses it back._

_“You coming in?” Kelley asks as she swims up to the side of the pool looking at her expectantly._

_Tobin shrugs, “Yeah, in a little bit.” She answers._

_“If you don’t come in soon, I’m dragging you in!” Kelley smirks, sending a weak splash in her direction before swimming away towards Pinoe._

_Tobin hears the gate open and people talking and looks up from her Bible to see Alex walking in with Ashlyn and Allie._

_“Can I set my stuff here?” Alex asks, setting her items down near Tobin’s feet on the lounger, even though the chairs next to Tobin are empty._

_“Sure,” Tobin smiles, “of course.” She looks up, “Hey Allie, hey Ash,” she greets._

_“Yo, Tobs,” Ash greets back, slinging her tank top off and dropping it on the chair next to her, “you coming in?”_

_“In a bit,” Tobin nods with a smile._

_“Cool,” Ash says and runs for the pool, leaping and doing a cannonball into the water. She shrieks when her head pops up, shaking her head and swimming over to the others. Allie watches how Tobin just watches Ash with a small grin on her face, almost like wishing she could be as free as that._

_Then she watches as Tobin struggles to keep her cool as Alex slowly takes off her tank top right in front of her and then her shorts. She sees the blush creep up her face, making her cheeks go the cutest shade of pink against her tan skin._

_“I’ve been wanting to do this all day,” Alex says, turning to the pool and walking to the steps and gracefully diving into the water. Allie knows Alex totally was flirting and that whole thing was planned._

_Through her sunglasses Allie sees Tobin let out a breath before looking up at her. Allie glances down at her bag, beginning to rifle through it. She sits in the chair next to Tobin, pulling out a water bottle._

_“What are you reading?” she asks her._

_“My Bible,” Tobin replies easily, twitching it in her hands._

_“Which book?” Allie inquires, her curiosity peaked._

_“Uh, Ephesians,” Tobin shrugs, giving her a small smile._

_“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order the we, who were the first to hope our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” Allie states, giving Tobin a smile._

_She sees Tobin’s high eyebrows raised behind her sunglasses. “It’s one of my favorite books,” Allie says offhandedly. It’s pretty common knowledge on the team that Tobin is a Jesus freak. Heck, she sometimes wears a shirt that says just that. So, it makes her smile to see Tobin’s reaction._

_Tobin smiles widely at her, leaning back in the lounge chair, “One of mine too.”_

_She seems so relaxed right now, Allie thinks, so happy. It’s so nice to know she can have this time to be that way, not worrying constantly about whatever she has to deal with at home._

_“I like to read it when I’m stressed out about stuff.” Allie shares, wondering if she’s said too much already._

_But Tobin just nods and looks at her closely, “Well, I certainly hope you’re not so stressed that you’ve memorized the whole book.” She says softly._

_Surprised, Allie tilts her head, “Nah,” she replies, “I just really like that passage.” She waits a moment. “Do you have Ephesians memorized?” she asks quietly._

_Tobin takes her sunglasses off, looking down at the slightly battered book in her lap. She sighs, it’s obvious to Allie that she trying to figure out what to say. She decides to wait._

_“Just about.” Tobin finally answers just as quiet._

_“Hm,” Allie says, wondering how to proceed. It’s not like she’s some sort of counselor or anything, but she wants to make Tobin feel better. Safer. At least feel safe here, with the team. With her._

_“Well,” she says, “that’s the purpose of the Bible, right? To find guidance, seek comfort and gain strength. So, you know, you can face whatever you’re dealing with.”_

_Tobin nods, still looking down._

_Allie leans forward in the lounger, scooting her butt to the edge of her seat, “Sometimes, though, it’s good to talk about what you’re facing, sometimes just talking can make you feel better. You know, so you know you’re not alone.”_

_She sees Tobin start doing that weird thing with her fingers and hopes she didn’t push her too far. Tobin’s biting her lower lip, her face grim. Then she lets out a breath._

_“It’s hard to know where to start.” Tobin says quietly. For some reason, Tobin trusts Allie. She doesn’t know why, but it’s there._

_Allie shrugs casually, “You start wherever, it doesn’t matter. What’s on your mind?”_

_Tobin looks at her carefully again, her brown eyes searching Allie’s face for her level of sincerity. Gauging to see if she could open up to her._

_“I want to go UNC.” She says. “But I think my Father will choose a different school. He doesn’t like Coach Dorrance. The campus is too secular.”_

_Allie nods as she listens. “Well, when do you have to sign a letter of intent?” she asks, “I mean, I’m assuming you’ve got offers from all over the place with full rides, right?” Allie’s seen her play, practiced with her, she’s read the articles, she knows Tobin’s an incredible player who will be called up the full National Team soon. She’s a bit of a prodigy._

_“Yeah,” Tobin replies, a little embarrassed._

_“When’s your birthday?” Allie asks suddenly._

_Tobin tilts her head at her. “May twenty-ninth.”_

_Allie throws her arms out, “That’s perfect. Just sign for UNC when you turn eighteen.”_

_Tobin suddenly swings her legs over the side of her chair, facing Allie with an intense look. “You mean, like, go against them?”_

_Allie nods slowly, “It would be hard, I’m sure, for a lot of reasons, but Tobin, it’s your life. You have to do what is best for yourself.”_

_Tobin drops her head, her hands on her knees. Allie glances over to the pool, seeing the others playing catch and screwing around, but Alex is staring intently at them. She gives her a head nod and looks back at Tobin._

_“Like, you could go the school they pick, but then once you get there, you could red shirt, talk to Coach Dorrance and go there the next semester. There’s options, Tobs.” She offers._

_“Options,” she hears Tobin mumble._

_“Can you, like, talk to your Mom about it?” Allie asks carefully._

_Tobin straightens her back to look at her again, Allie can see some tears in her eyes. “Maybe,” she says, “I’m not sure yet.”_

_“Well,” Allie says, “you’ve got some time, maybe like, you talk to one of your coaches, you don’t have to decide this minute.”_

_Tobin gives her a small grin and nods her head. “Yeah, you’re right.”_

_They grin at each other for a minute, Allie thrusting her fist out for a knuckle punch. Tobin reciprocates and then gives her a true smile._

_“Thanks, dude,” she says, “you’re kind of a lifesaver.”_

_“Aw,” Allie leans back, smiling, “it’s nothing, just helping a friend, yeah?”_

_Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says, “for sure.”_

_“Have you read the Screwtape Letters?” Allie asks suddenly._

_Tobin nods, “I like C.S. Lewis,” she replies._

_“Do you think the Chronicles of Narnia are completely about Jesus?” Allie asks, curious to Tobin’s opinion._

_“I think there’s a lot in it that applies.” Tobin nods. “It’s a great allegory for a lot of biblical themes.”_

_“Have you read the whole Bible?”_

_Tobin nods, “I’m not a huge fan of the Old Testament,” she says, her face tightening a little._

_Allie makes a face, “Too much violence, too much vengefulness.” She agrees._

_“That’s why Jesus is my homeboy,” Tobin laughs, “I’m all about peace and love.”_

_Allie laughs and shakes her head, “Peace and love,”_

_“If you guys aren’t in this pool in, like, five seconds, I swear I’m coming to get you.” Kelley orders loudly._

_Tobin shifts her book from her lap, “Well, I don’t think I want to face that,” she says, “you want to go in?”_

_Allie nods, “Sounds like a plan.”_

_They both ditch their tanks and shorts and get in the pool. The rest of the evening is spent laughing, playing catch in the water, racing across the pool and having a good time._

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

“Are we there yet?” Ashlyn asks loudly, “Because my bladder is going to explode soon.” 

 

“Five minutes.” Allie replies, “The hotel should be on the left.” She says, “Hey, Alex, will you text Dawn for the room number?” She glances over to see Alex nodding as she pulls out her phone. 

When they see Dawn their greetings are subdued, the seriousness of why they are gathered is hitting all of them at once. Dawn does surprise them by ordering pizzas, laughing that she has a feeling that they’ll run it off later. 

After they eat, they sit in a circle on the floor, the maps and diagrams spread out for all to see. They go over all of the details one last time, their focus intense, as if they were listening to the game plan of a match against a tough opponent. 

They review what do to after they get Tobin, the basic first aid they might need to give her. Based off the forum discussions, it’s decided they should go the isolation cabins first, check them out and then proceed to the dorms if they can’t locate her there. 

After they finish reviewing everything, Dawn looks at them seriously. 

“There’s a chance you could get caught. There’s a chance you will be arrested, there’s a chance you won’t be able to find Tobin.” She says, her accent clipping the air. “I need to know you are all still willing to do this. If not, we will pursue a legal course of action.” 

“I’m in.” Ashlyn states. 

“So am I.” Alex agrees. 

“Me too.” Cheney says. 

“I’m in.” Allie nods. 

“Okay,” Dawn says, looking them over, “go relax and wait. Plan on leaving around ten o’clock.” 

They gather the papers and the girls move to the adjoining room. 

 

At nine o’clock, Alex leaves the bed, silently moving to her luggage, beginning to pull out some items of clothing. She silently dresses in black leggings, black socks, a black long sleeve shirt and pulls her hair into a bun. She shoves another outfit into her backpack, just causal clothes, and adds a pair of socks, a beanie, sweatpants and a sweatshirt. She then moves to the chair in the corner of the room, curling up into it, putting her headphones on. It’s just like she’s doing her visualizations before a match. 

The others begin to dress in similar outfits as well. 

At five minutes to ten o’clock, they all meet in Dawn’s room. 

“Two way radio?” Dawn asks, turning hers on. 

“Got it.” Cheney replies, turning hers on and they test them. 

Dawn hands the radio to Allie who shoves it in her pack. 

“Let’s go down the supply list: first aid kit, changes of clothes for Tobin, ski masks, gloves, two blankets, two towels, wash cloths, water bottles, changes of clothes for each of you, energy gels, water, binoculars, headlamps, GoPro, video camera, crow bars, mace cans, shovels.” 

The girls have been calling out that they have the items. 

“Okay,” Dawn says, looking at them fondly, “I’m so proud of you girls, I wish we didn’t have to resort to this, but I thank you so much. If anything should happen, Allie, you call or text. Let me know when you drop them off, if you can, just do it once you have a signal. You’ll be in the woods, so you may not.” 

“I’ll make sure we do once we have a signal.” Allie promises. “I memorized the codes.” 

Dawn nods. 

“If anything happens, Michael is ready to fly in with the court papers. The lawyers will be ready. You say nothing. Make sure you have no identification on you. Leave your wallets here. Phones too. Except Allie.” 

They nod solemnly. 

“Alright, girls,” Dawn stands and gestures to them to huddle up, “I love you girls, be careful, be safe and be in and out. Once you see Tobin, just get her and go. Unless she’s bleeding profusely, don’t even try to help her until you’re in the van. Change out of the black clothes once you’re in the van. Leave the shovels, got it?” 

“Yes, Dawn.” They reply. 

“Go,” Dawn says, “I’ll let the others know it’s happening.” 

With that, the girls gather their backpacks and leave the room silently. The gravity of what they were undertaking hitting them hard. Allie slides into the driver’s seat, starting the van as the others climb in. She boots up the GPS, makes sure to pull out the map, and gets herself settled. Alex pulls out her map, sitting next to her in the passenger seat, settling in as well. 

Dawn watches from the window of her room, sighing deeply and then walking to the table. She grabs her phone and sends a text to Pam Morgan, Rita Cheney and Barbara Long. Ashlyn had asked her not to communicate with her Mother, because of their relationship issues, which Dawn was aware of. 

‘The match has started.’ She texts out to them. 

She sets her phone down and reaches for the bottle of bourbon, pouring a small glass and sitting down. 

The cover story was simple, the girls were going to the Cheney house to play soccer and train together. It was an unofficial camp, needing the approval to get out of the last week of school. As most of them were facing graduation, schedules were juggled and the four who volunteered made it happen. Dawn booked Ashlyn’s flight, the parents booked their daughters. 

Rita borrowed a van from a close friend, Dawn renting the hotel rooms under the guise of a fishing trip. She glances at her tackle box and rod in the corner of the room. She even went as far as buying a fishing license. 

Once they brought Tobin back, Dawn would evaluate her health, then they would drive back to Indy to the Cheney residence. From there the girls would leave to go home. Dawn would escort Tobin back to her home on an earlier scheduled flight. She would be back a day earlier than expected. Her Mother had rented a hotel room for Tobin to stay in. 

Now that they were aware of Cindy Heath’s plan, they would meet up to discuss the next steps. Firstly, telling Tobin what was happening. 

Dawn hopes everything goes smoothly. 

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

Lauren Cheney clutches the rosary in her hand, feeling only small comfort in them at this minute. The moment they had heard from Alex that Tobin’s parents had indeed sent her away to one of those pray away the gay camps, she’s been terrified. She looks out the back window from her spot in the vehicle. She’s sitting on the floor of a cargo van, no windows on the sides, dark windows on the back, feeling like a criminal knowing what she is about to do. 

They have instructions to text Dawn once they complete this task, using a code so they know it’s legitimate. Just in case they get captured. 

The reality of how risky this is to be doing is hitting her hard, but it’s not breaking her resolve. Tobin needs to get out of there.

She thinks about how it all came together. 

After hours of texting with Alex and Ashlyn, and Perry calling again to confirm that Katie was successful in finding the name of the place, Tobin’s flight information and the location, Lauren was glued to her laptop, trying to find as much information on it as she could. 

It was almost two in the morning when she stumbled on a message board, cleverly hidden under layers of false names that she found what she thought was the truth. On this forum, girls and boys her age were posting their horror stories about what they endured there. 

There were maps, crude drawings of the layout of the camp. Recent discussions about the security systems and stories of successful escapes were all on here. Lauren did a quick google map search of the address and found the maps to be accurate. 

Her Mom enters her room, surprised she’s up and concerned seeing the tears on Lauren’s face. Lauren tells her everything. How Alex got the note from Tobin, how her letters have gone unanswered, how Ashlyn and Pinoe received the letters that started it all, how Dawn suspects something is going on. 

Lauren feels a sense of pride on her chest, thinking about how her Mom and Alex’s Mom began to coordinate everything with Dawn. Then hearing about how Mrs. Heath had her own plan and what would happen, she felt so happy that Tobin finally would be free. 

Her Mom listened carefully as she told her story, crying through some of it, telling her small things that Tobin has shared with her. The ones that make Lauren shudder at the thought of it. The one time they were at camp last year and Dawn was giving them a lesson about the importance of how to exercise every muscle group. She had them in a circle, using five pound weights, they were on their knees, arms out, holding the weights straight out to their sides. 

She just hopes it all works out tonight. 

 

 

_July, 2005_

_Dawn was in the middle of the circle, talking about how the smallest muscles could be the most important while they held those dumbbells, keeping their arms as straight as possible. It only took minutes before they began to feel it, the weight bearing down on their shoulders, triceps and forearms, their hands shaking to keep the weights up._

_They were laughing and joking, teasing those who started lowering their arms, all in good fun. Lauren remembers looking across the circle and seeing Tobin, head straight, her face stoic, serious, as she held the weights, her eyes down, just holding them easily as Lauren could feel her arms shake._

_How one by one they set the weights down, beginning to cheer for the ones who were still in the game. It was a game, a light hearted lesson that Dawn was teaching to show the importance of her message._

_Only it wasn’t to Tobin. She was all business. She was in her own world, the others could tell as well, eyes down, face pale, not joining in on the fun. Lauren glances at A-Rod who looks just as concerned, and Alex, and Kelley as well. Ashlyn is next to Tobin, trying to get her to talk._

_A cheer goes up from the group when Tobin is the only left holding her weights. She doesn’t look up, doesn’t even realize the game’s over. Her arms are still out straight, not even shaking at all. It’s not until Dawn stands in front of her and speaks, does she look up._

_“We’re done, Tobin,” Dawn says softly, realizing something is not right about this, “you can put the weights down. You did a great job.”_

_“Yes, ma’am,” Tobin replies, not looking up. Nobody calls Dawn ma’am and Tobin certainly hadn’t ever until just now._

_The room is silent until Pinoe busts out a joke to lighten the tension and the moment was gone. It wasn’t until they were walking out of their session when Tobin is asked by Ashlyn how she could do that for so long._

_“I’ve been doing that since I was ten,” Tobin shrugs, as if it’s no big deal. Alex’s face falls into a frown upon hearing that, she looks at Cheney with heartbroken eyes._

_“Well, keep it up, Tobs!” Pinoe laughs, “You’re getting pretty cut! Look at those guns!”_

_Cheney knows Pinoe knows something is up with Tobin, she’s just being intentionally funny release the tension again._

_Tobin shakes her head and laughs softly, giving them a smile that Lauren sees doesn’t reach her eyes as they wait to board the bus._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the encouraging words- this is a difficult story to write, with the flashbacks and keeping dates straight, not to mention the subject matter. Having your support and seeing your comments and kudos are very much encouraged.   
> -MT


	4. Chapter 4

May 23, 2006 

 

Alex is tense, her foot bouncing as she sits in the passenger seat. It’s pretty straight forward, she’s highlighted the areas where the camp access roads are, the best way to get in, the security cameras from the photos they’ve found. She wants to be as prepared as possible, she’s researched this as carefully as she’s researched anything in her life right now. 

This map is her key to Tobin. A tear slides down her face as she remembers opening Tobin’s last letter to her. 

 

_May 17, 2006_

_‘Lex,_

_I think my parents are sending me to a camp. One of those pray away the gay camps. I don’t know when but I think soon. I’ll write a letter a day so you know I’m okay._

_I’m so scared, Lex. I don’t know what to do._

_T’_

_She closes her eyes and sees the shakiness to Tobin’s writing. As if she was terrified when writing it to her._

_She brings the letter straight to her Mom. Her Mom has been her rock, in regards to her feelings towards Tobin. Not just the romantic ones that are surfacing, but the ones that are fearing for her safety and mental health. Her Mom’s a nurse, so she’s seen a lot. Unfortunately, she’s seen too much in dealing with kids and their parents._

_She knows her Mom has been talking to Dawn and Mrs. Cheney about Tobin. Asking what the federation could do or if they had any procedures in place for the suspicion of abuse of one of their athletes. Her Mom read the letter, looked at Alex, hugged her and then took it and left._

_Alex went straight to her phone, going to the group chat she created with her friends who have been writing Tobin letters. They text in updates when they get a letter from Tobin, discuss how they think she’s doing and things like that. Pinoe teases the Hell out of Alex and her obvious crush on Tobin, but they are all concerned for her well being._

_She texts the group about the letter and waits._

_She texts Tobin’s sister Perry and waits._

_Her phone lights up with responses. Ideas are shared, a plan possibly hatched._

_Her Mom interrupts her, wanting to talk to about her conversation she just had with Dawn._

_She shows her Mom the text thread, letting her read the entire thing._

_Her Mom calls Dawn again._

_Perry calls Alex back._

_Jeffrey is going away to a golf camp, but Katie is going home to snoop around and try to find the place they sent her. Tobin is away at a camp._

_A long, torturous day passes before Alex hears from Perry. She didn’t receive a letter from Tobin today._

_Alex tells everything to her Mom, all of the information, crying, pleading with her to help Tobin. Apparently, Katie found the camp info and then had confronted her Mother, telling her and showing her the awful truths about the camp they sent Tobin to. Her Mother broke down, giving her all of the details about the camp she could, not knowing the horrible stories about it, crying about how she didn’t want Tobin to go there but her Father made it happen. Her Mom promises to help, she swears she has a plan in place to keep Tobin safe._

_Alex hears her Mom on the phone, shocked that she’s speaking with Katie Heath._

_May 19, 2006_

_“So, we’re really going to do this?” Cheney asks._

_“I’m in.” Ashlyn states assertively. “People can’t do that, it’s not right.”_

_“I’m in.” Alex says. “I feel like the longer she’s there, the more they’ll suck the life out of her.”_

_They’ve all read the forums and seen the photos and heard the horror stories._

_“I’m so sorry guys,” Pinoe says sadly, “I can’t leave, I have finals and my grandfather.”_

_“Dude, it’s okay.” Ashlyn says comfortingly, “we understand.” Pinoe’s grandfather has just passed away and there’s no way her parents will let her leave the state for a soccer camp._

_That’s the cover story. An informal training is being held in Indianapolis, anyone can come. An anonymous donor has sent word to cover air travel for anyone who’d like to attend._

_“I wish I could come.” A-Rod says sadly. “I just can’t miss these classes.” She’s enrolled in college credit classes over the summer to get a leg a up on her future._

_“A-Rod, you can’t come anyway, you’re eighteen.” Alex says sadly._

_Kelley’s family is away on vacation, one last trip before the siblings scatter off to college. She cried talking to Alex about how she wanted to be there for them. For Tobin. Alex told her they all understood and she’d keep her informed of what’s going on._

_Part of the plan was that only those under age would attempt this. If they were caught, anything that might happen wouldn’t go on their permanent records. Dawn also had an agreement that the USSF would cover any possible legal fees and discuss candidly with the college coaches just actually what they were doing. Of course, it would all be hush hush and under the radar._

_“I’m in.” Allie states, shocking the Hell out of all of them. Alex had mentioned some of her concerns about Tobin to Allie when she was catching up with her recently. Allie’s response surprised her because the two, Allie and Tobin, didn’t really hang out. They were nice to each other, but ran in different circles when they had down time. Alex doesn’t even know if Allie and Tobin ever had any times they actually hung out._

_Alex collects herself, smiling a little as she remembers the first time she really got to known Tobin._

_November, 2004_

_Alex strolls in and sees Lauren and Kelley are in the snack room, contemplating their after dinner snack before they hang out. A-Rod invited her to go get a snack and then head to Cheney’s room to hang out. She said yes instantly, hoping Tobin was there and she could see her._

_“How’s Tobin?” Alex asks Cheney anxiously, looking at her carefully._

_“Couple of cracked ribs,” she frowns. She sees the color drain from Alex’s face._

_“No,” she whispers, her eyes growing large._

_Lauren tilts her head at her, confused by her reaction._

_“My elbow caught her,” Alex explains, “I feel terrible.” She frowns again._

_“It was totally an accident,” Kelley states, “a 50/50 ball, you weren’t like crazy, we all saw it.” She reassures her._

_Alex looks at her feet and then up at Lauren again, “You’re sharing a room, right?” she asks. Lauren nods._

_“Can I bring her something to eat, she wasn’t at dinner.” Alex asks earnestly._

_Lauren smiles, slinging an arm around her shoulders and giving her a squeeze, “I’m sure Tobin doesn’t blame you,” she says kindly, “she probably has no idea who hit her in that pile.”_

_Alex looks unconvinced._

_“A peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an apple.” Lauren nods at her. She grabs a bag of carrots, beginning to walk out of the room with Kelley, she turns back to her, “and an orange juice!” she calls._

_Alex thinks it’s a disgusting combination of items, but she heads to the table and opens the loaf of bread._

_“How ya feeling, Tobs?” Kelley questions as she sits on bed, looking at her as she munches on her pretzels._

_Tobin’s got an ice pack on her side, Erica had just brought it to her with a timer. She told her Dawn will be back at curfew to give her another painkiller so she can sleep._

_“Out of it,” Tobin replies, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. She brings the covers back up over her shoulders, “cold.”_

_There’s a knock at the door and Lauren opens it for A-Rod and Alex to enter. Tobin’s eyes widen at seeing Alex, surprised she’s here. She’s glad. She feels butterflies in her stomach looking at her as she smiles and says hello._

_“Hi,” Alex greets shyly, maybe nervously, Tobin can’t tell. Her head is fuzzy from the medicine they gave her. Alex smiles wider when she sees Tobin’s dopey smile. “How are you feeling?” she questions as she steps to the side of her bed._

_“Okay,” Tobin grins, squinting at her._

_“They got you pretty drugged up, huh?” A-Rod observes, moving into the room._

_“I guess,” Tobin replies, struggling to sit up and wincing a little._

_“Hey,” Alex says, “go slow.” she advises, setting a plate down on the edge of the bed. “Don’t move so fast, you’ll hurt yourself.”_

_“Oh,” Tobin says, “yeah,” she slowly moves up a bit, pulling the covers with her._

_A-Rod, Lauren and Kelley have settled themselves on Lauren’s bed, Kelley flicking through the stations trying to find something to watch before they play cards._

_“Sit,” Tobin invites, using her head to gesture to her bed._

_“Are you hungry?” Alex asks, “I didn’t see you at dinner.”_

_She was looking for me at dinner, Tobin thinks to herself, me? She smiles that dopey smile again. “Kinda.”_

_“Here,” Alex picks up the plate, offering it to her. “Lauren said you like peanut better and jelly.”_

_“Oh, thanks!” Tobin smiles at her, pulling the covers down and taking the plastic plate from her hands. “This is awesome.”_

_“You’re welcome,” Alex says, “I’m really sorry you got hurt,” she looks down, pulling at the bedspread, “it was my elbow that caught you.”_

_Tobin mumbles something at her through a mouthful of food. Alex tilts her head at her, furrowing her eyebrows._

_“It wasn’t your fault, not like that.” Tobin says when she finishes chewing._

_“But I” Alex starts but stops when she sees Tobin shaking her head._

_“No.” Tobin says firmly, “We were all going for the ball,” she smiles at her. “I know you wouldn’t do that on purpose or anything.” She takes another bite of her sandwich._

_Alex can’t believe how nice Tobin is about getting hurt. She seems really sincere that she doesn’t blame her. Since it happened, Alex has been miserable. Here she is, new to the team and hurts another teammate. Not exactly the best way to introduce herself._

_“Tell me about yourself,” Tobin says nodding and looking as intently as she can with glazed eyes as she works on devouring her sandwich._

_Alex settles herself on the bed, crossing her legs to get comfortable. “Well, I’m from Diamond Bar California.” She begins._

_She’s still talking when the Tobin finishes her sandwich, answering the questions Tobin asks her about her school, her siblings, and her club team._

_She helps Tobin get the ice pack off when the timer beeps. Tobin shuddering, feeling Alex’s warm hands on her side. Goosebumps break out on her bare arms, making her shiver._

_“You’re freezing!” Alex exclaims, drawing looks from the other bed. “Here,” she whips off her hoodie, “put this on,” she says, holding it in front of herself._

_“Mine’s right,” Tobin points, to her suitcase. “No, mine’s all warmed up,” Alex cuts her off, grinning at her, “let me help you put it on.” She insists as she kneels, taking small steps to get closer to Tobin. Tobin slowly offers her left arm, letting her put it on. She groans as she leans forward as Alex pulls it down her back._

_“I’m sorry!” Alex squeaks, “Did I hurt you?”_

_“Nah,” Tobin says, wincing as she lays back, “just sore to move.” The sweatshirt is warm and it’s taking everything Tobin has to not lift it to her nose to smell the scent of Alex’s lingering perfume._

_She feels something in the hoodie pocket. She pulls out an apple._

_“Oh!” Alex smiles, “That’s for you, too!”_

_“Thanks.” Tobin replies shyly. Alex is so nice. She’s so thoughtful. She takes a bite. She’s starving now._

_“So, tell me about you.” Alex says._

_“Uh,” Tobin wonders where to start. “well, I’m from Basking Ridge in New Jersey. I have two older sisters and a younger brother.”_

_“What are they like?” Alex asks, scooting to sit by her side._

_Tobin smiles as she munches her apple and tells her about her siblings._

_“You guys sound really close,” Alex smiles, “like me and my sisters.”_

_“Yeah,” Tobin says, laying her head back on her pillow, “we stick together.”_

_“What about your parents?” Alex asks innocently, wanting to know everything about Tobin._

_Tobin glances at the other bed, seeing Lauren, A-Rod and Kelley watching TV and not paying any attention to their conversation. She shrugs and winces._

_“Ah,” she says, rubbing her hand on her ribs, “they’re, uh, like just regular parents.” She says, trying her best to be casual._

_Alex sees something in Tobin’s eyes during her response, but she doesn’t know if it’s because of her ribs hurting, the drugs or something else._

_“What do they do?” Alex pursues her questioning._

_“My Dad’s a contractor and my Mom doesn’t work. She volunteers and stuff.” Tobin replies, not making eye contact._

_“That’s cool,” Alex says, feeling Tobin doesn’t like to talk about for them for whatever reason. She lets it go._

_Tobin tells her about her job cutting the grass and prepping the fields where she plays for club team. How she’s saving her money for college._

_Kelley jumps in when she hears Tobin tell her she wants to go UNC._

_“Stanford is where it’s at.” She grins at them from the other bed._

_“Nah,” Alex shakes her head, “Cal.”_

_“UCLA!” Lauren chimes in._

_A-Rod elbows her, “No, USC Trojans!”_

_“You’re the only East Coaster here,” Alex smiles at Tobin._

_“It’s the Best Coast,” Tobin grins crookedly at her. The others groan and Lauren flings a pillow at Tobin’s head, striking it, making Tobin laugh as she holds it on her lap. She makes a face and then pulls out the orange juice from Alex’s hoodie pocket._

_“Is this yours?” she asks Alex who shakes her head. “You.” She says._

_“Thanks,” she smiles at her, unscrewing the cap and taking a drink. Some of it dribbles on her chin, unnoticed to Tobin as she lays her head back again._

_Alex grabs a napkin, “Uh, you got a little,” she says as she wipes her chin._

_“Oh,” Tobin raises her eyebrows, “thanks,” she says quietly, shyly, her face turning red._

_She is so freaking cute, Alex thinks to herself as she wads up the napkin and places it on the empty plate._

_“Are you still hungry?” she asks her._

_“Nah,” Tobin replies, “thanks, but I do kind of need to use the bathroom.” She says, slowly moving her legs under the covers._

_“Oh, yeah,” Alex nods, crawling away from her, watching her clumsily trying to get out from under the covers. She gets out of the bed and walks to her side, lifting the covers to free her legs._

_“Sorry,” Tobin mutters, “I feel so weird,”_

_“The pain meds?” Alex questions, seeing the others look over with concern._

_“You alright, Tobs?” Kelley questions._

_“Yeah, just,” she struggles to sit up, “clumsy.”_

_“You’re always clumsy, what’s new?” Kelley snickers, earning herself a smack from Cheney._

_Alex extends her hand, gripping Tobin’s elbow and pulling her upright._

_“Thanks.” Tobin mumbles, not looking at her. She sways a bit from dizziness as she sits on the edge of the bed. “Woah,” she says so softly, Alex could barely hear her._

_“Just take a minute,” Alex cautions, “if you haven’t been on these meds before, you’re going to have to take it super easy.”_

_Lauren and A-Rod slide off the bed, concern etched on their faces. Kelley stays on the bed, watching carefully. A knock at the door draws their attention, A-Rod moving to answer it. She lets in Dawn who greets them all._

_“How is everyone tonight?” she asks, eying the group with a friendly smile._

_“Good,” Lauren replies, “just getting Tobs up and to the bathroom,” she says._

_“How are you feeling, Tobin?” Dawn asks, edging closer to her, seeing her sitting up._

_“I’m good,” Tobin replies, giving her a slow thumbs up._

_“Good,” Dawn smiles, “well, let’s get you up,” she says and steps forward to hook the crook of her elbow under Tobin’s right armpit, lifting her steadily. She keeps that position as Tobin sways upon standing up._

_“Woah,” Tobin says, sticking a hand out for balance._

_“Feeling a little funky?” Dawn asks, taking a step with her, eying her cautiously._

_Tobin nods as they slowly walk to the bathroom._

_They let her do her business and see her poking her head out, gripping the doorjam as she slowly, but steadily makes her way back to the bed._

_Dawn moves into the bathroom to fill a cup with water. She calls Cheney in to talk to her about Tobin’s medications._

_“We got to head out,” A-Rod announces, eying her watch, “it’s almost curfew.”_

_“Tobs,” Kelley calls out, “have a good night, man, get some sleep.”_

_“Thanks, I will,” Tobin smiles, giving her a nod._

_“See you tomorrow,” A-Rod says, rubbing Tobin’s back and giving her a side hug._

_“Yeah, see you.” Tobin nods at her. She turns to face Alex, giving her a tired smile._

_“Thanks for coming over tonight,” she says quietly, “it was really nice to get to know you.”_

_“I’m glad I did and I really hope you feel better tomorrow.” Alex says, edging a step closer. “It was really nice to get to know you too.” She gives her a shy smile._

_“Thanks for bringing the food, too,” Tobin says, nervously rubbing her right index and middle fingers with her thumb, “that was very nice of you.”_

_“It was no problem,” Alex smiles back at her, “I’ll see you at breakfast?”_

_“I hope,” Tobin grins, “think I’ll have to see how I feel though.”_

_“Sure,” Alex says, “well, I better go, so have a good night Tobin.”_

_“Yeah,” Tobin says, “sleep well.” The smiles on her face remains there as she watches Alex leave._

_Alex enters her room, Syd looking up from her bed at her._

_“What’s got you so smiley?” she asks her._

_Alex flashes her a grin, “Just glad Tobin’s not mad about me elbowing her,” she replies._

_“You hung out with her all night?” Syd asks, her head cocked to the side in surprise._

_“Yeah, why?”_

_“Well, she’s so…” Syd shrugs, “like, quiet and in her own world?”_

_“Nah, she’s super cool when you take the time to get to know her.” Alex flashes her a grin as she heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed. She looks in the mirror, “Super cool.”_

_She smiles at her reflection._

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

Ashlyn leans back on the side panel of the van, crossing her legs to get comfortable. She’s mad. She’s angry that Tobin is being put through this bullshit. Over the last few years they’ve grown close. It’s mostly through letters, Ashlyn having to send hers to Tobin’s friend Amber because Tobin’s Father decided she wasn’t a good influence of his daughter. 

It pisses her off how someone like Tobin could be put through so much. While their lives are very different, the parallels of their suffering are similar. Being on edge all the time, not knowing the mood of the house every time you enter. Ashlyn knows her abuse is more verbal and down right neglect, while Tobin’s is actually mental and physical. 

She’s been trying since last year to get Tobin to talk about it more, open up. She’s told her it doesn’t matter who she talks to, just find someone she trusts. She doesn’t think Tobin has, but has been thrilled to hear recently that her Mom has been more supportive. 

Ashlyn’s told her how awesome her school counselor is, how talking to her has made such a difference. She’s given her the titles of a couple of books to read. She knows that Tobin has been terrified of going against her parents, how complex the relationship is. 

 

_February, 2006_

_They’ve got a free day from camp and permission to go to the beach. Kelley insists on teaching them to surf since she’s tried it and absolutely loves it. They rent wetsuits and boards and go down near the edge by the waves._

_There’s a whole group of them at the beach, but only Ashlyn, Tobin and Kelley have chosen to surf. Kelley is completely serious as she instructs them, having them practice on the land before venturing into the water._

_She takes the first wave, a little wobbly but she rides it out. They hear faint cheers from the beach and turn to see the group hollering and giving Kelley a thumbs up._

_“Next one’s yours!” Kelley points to Tobin as she paddles back near them. “Watch for how it builds, it’s a good one, go for it!” Kelley yells._

_Tobin begins to paddle out, watching, waiting for how the wave forms and then pops up, just how Kelley showed her, riding it out, her balance steady._

_Ashlyn can’t help but smile, reaching over to knuckle punch Kelley. “She’s a fucking natural, dude.” She says, a little in awe watching as Tobin begins to twist her board upwards into the crest of the wave and ride it down. She looks over her shoulder, hearing the cheers and seeing her teammates on their feet yelling and waving._

_Over and over the three take the waves, Kelley and Ashlyn sometimes bailing out and falling into the water, but Tobin remaining upright on every single one of her runs._

_Soon, Kelley complains of being hungry and heads back in so it’s just Ashlyn and Tobin in the water. They sit on their boards talking about how awesome the day was and make a few more runs before they too, give in to their hunger._

_As they paddle in, Ashlyn brings up Tobin’s parents, asking her if she’s talked to them about UNC yet. She keeps pushing Tobin, asking her about when she’s signing her letter of intent. Tobin keeps backing down, saying she doesn’t know yet, her parents haven’t told her what school she’s going to._

_They’re walking through the surf, holding their boards and Ashlyn persists in her line of questioning._

_“Dude, it’s your life!” she exclaims, “Fucking grow a pair and tell them how you feel!” she says, exasperated by Tobin’s willingness to just let her parents chose for her._

_Tobin stops walking, Ashlyn turns and sees a fire in her eyes she’s never seen before. This is way different from her game face, way different from when they’re concentrating on taking their soccer tests, way different than anything._

_“You don’t understand!” she shouts at Ashlyn, waving her arm in the air. “They’re my parents! They’ve given me everything!”_

_“No, Tobin, they fucking abuse you!” Ashlyn roars back, realizing as she speaks the words, she had gone too far._

_Tobin just looks at her. Ashlyn sees the pain in her eyes, the hurt, the fear, the shame, the embarrassment. She knows all of the emotions Tobin’s feeling. Feeling exposed, a tightly held secret being discovered._

_“Look, Tobin,” she starts._

_“I think I’m just gonna go hang for a bit,” Tobin says quietly, turning and walking back into the water, sliding onto her board and paddling out, away from her._

_Ashlyn watches her go. Shoulders slumped, she slowly trudges back the to spread out blankets, angrily spiking her board into the sand. She strips out of the wetsuit, toweling off and putting on some sweats and a sweatshirt. She ignores the eyes on her, questioning her, they couldn’t hear the conversation over the roar of the waves and the wind, but they obviously saw the exchange. She just goes over the grill and asks what’s cooking._

_Everyone eventually starts talking again, glancing out and seeing Tobin floating in the ocean on her board, alone in with thoughts._

_Alex meets Tobin at the surf line, walking back with her silently. They sit at the other side of the group, away from Ashlyn but she doesn’t think much of it. That was where they started out earlier. Cheney brings Tobin a plate of food and soon Ashlyn can see her talking to Alex and the others around her._

_They both return their boards, walking together silently to the surf shop down the beach._

_On the way back, Ashlyn can’t take it anymore. “Tobin, I’m sorry.” She says, “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. You didn’t want to talk and I kept going.”_

_“It’s okay,” Tobin drawls, “you were only speaking from your heart and I know you care,” she says, “I just, I just have a hard time going against them, you know?”_

_Ashlyn doesn’t know what to say._

_“You speak the truth and that’s why I love you, my friend.” Tobin says, “I didn’t want to hear it, but maybe I had to.”_

_“No hard feelings?’ Ashlyn asks softly. Tobin stops walking._

_“No hard feelings, bro.” she puts her arms out and they hug tightly._

_“Love you, man.” Ashlyn whispers into her ear, lifting her off her feet._

_“Love you, too.” Tobin replies, wiping her eyes when they let go._

_“Last one back has to carry the cooler!” Ashlyn exclaims, taking off running. She hears Tobin laughing as she passes her easily to get back to the group._

_They high five as Ashlyn comes back panting, “Dude, goalies don’t run as much!” she complains._

_“You started it!” Tobin laughs. They begin to gather their belongings._

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

Lauren can see the side of Alex’s face from her seat against the van’s wall. She sees the tears, the lines on her forehead, furrowed with worry. She knows that Tobin and Alex are close, close in a way she isn’t with Tobin. 

She’s pretty sure they both have crushes on each other and she felt that from the moment they met. She smiles, remembering that night Alex joined them to see how Tobin was after hurting her ribs in camp two years ago. Her and Tobin had been in their own world that whole evening, talking quietly on Tobin’s bed while she, A-Rod and Kelley were watching TV. 

It was sweet, how nervous Alex was, wanting to check on Tobin and bring her something to eat. How she offered Tobin her hoodie. It was so nice to hear Tobin open up a little about herself to someone new, she knew it was most likely because of the drugs she was on, letting her defenses down. She smiles, remembering when Alex and the others had left and it was just them getting ready for bed that night. 

 

 

_November, 2004_

_Tobin turns to see Cheney looking at her with a peculiar expression on her face. “You want to change for bed?” she ask her._

_“Nah,” Tobin replies, sitting down carefully on her bed, “I think I’ll just go with this.”_

_Dawn comes out of the bathroom, holding the cup and some pills in her hand._

_“This one is an anti-inflammatory to help with swelling.” She states, dropping it in Tobin’s palm, “This is to control your pain.” She drops it in her palm, “and this one is to help you sleep.”_

_Tobin’s not sure why she needs something to help her sleep, she feels so tired right now, but she dutifully brings the first capsule to her lips and pops it in. She takes the water from Dawn and drinks and swallows it. She repeats it two more times._

_“Tobin, if you feel well enough, come down for breakfast in the morning. If you’re too tired, we can have someone bring a plate up and you can eat here.” Dawn states. “There’s no training for you in the morning, you are to just relax. Erica will be around to check in on you, she has a room key and will stop by for your medications in the morning. You need to rest your body. No going on walks, no exercise, just relax. Veg out. Watch TV. Nap. Read a book. Okay?”_

_Tobin nods, her eyes on her lap, “Yes ma’am,” she responds._

_“Let’s get you in bed,” she suggests and moves to grip her arm again and ease her back. “Okay, you two have a good night,” Dawn smiles and heads out the door._

_Tobin slowly pulls the covers up to her shoulders as Cheney locks the door. Cheney hits the lights and slides into her bed._

_“You and Alex seem to hit it off tonight,” Cheney murmurs in the darkness of the room._

_Tobin smiles and sighs, “Yeah, she’s pretty awesome.”_

_Cheney smiles, hearing the joy in Tobin’s sleepy voice._

_The next morning, she hears Tobin on the phone with her Father._

_“Well, I went up for the ball and got hit and broke two of my ribs,” Tobin says quietly, closing her eyes as she anticipates the response. It’s the following morning and she’s on the phone, calling her Father to let him know what happened._

_“When did this happen?” Her Father inquires._

_“Yesterday at training, sir.” Tobin replies._

_“The team doctor called me yesterday to tell me it happened. Why didn’t you?” he asks, his tone tense._

_“They gave me medicine and I fell asleep. I didn’t wake up until nine o’clock at night. It would have been midnight to call you, sir.” Tobin states._

_“Well, that was considerate of you.” He replies sarcastically. “Since you’re not going to be playing the match at the end of week, we are not coming. Your Mother will pick you up from the airport. Be sure to call your her if your flight changes.”_

_“Yes, sir.” Tobin says, waiting for his next barrage. She looks at the phone. The line is dead. He had hung up._

_She sighs and puts the phone back in its cradle. She puts her calling card back in her wallet, leaving it on the nightstand next to the bed. Part of her is pleased they won’t be here but the other part makes her nervous. Everyone has someone come out to the match, she’ll be the only one without any family here. Usually the night of the match, everyone goes out with their own families. She supposes she can just hang out here and eat dinner in the hotel restaurant. Maybe order a pizza. She has money for that._

_Cheney comes out of the bathroom, dressed for training. She had intentionally stayed in there, hearing Tobin’s side of the call._

_“Everything okay?” she asks, eying her as she gets her gear bag._

_“Yeah,” Tobin replies quietly. She leans back on her pillow, closing her eyes, “Have a good training.”_

_Cheney looks at her for moment, wanting to say something. She knows something is bothering her._

_“Let’s go!” Carli shouts, pounding on the door._

_“I’ll see you later, Tobs,” Cheney says reluctantly as she leaves._

 

 

 

May 23, 2006

 

 

Alex swipes at her eyes, letting out a loud breath. She’s anxious to get there and get this started. She peers over to see the GPS display, it looks like they’ve got about ten minutes until they’re at the camp. She wonders what Tobin is doing now. If she’s okay. If they hurt her. If they’re starving her. She read in one of the forums how they drug the kids and make them sick before not feeding them for days. It’s supposed to break them down and make them weak, so they’ll admit they’re wrong.

Her gut tells her Tobin is in one of the solitary cabins. Something just makes her feel it. Tobin has been growing braver lately, testing her parents. She had written Alex and told her about the whole thing with Chelsea. It hurt her to read it, because she wanted to be Chelsea, the one kissing her and holding her. But she knew Tobin doesn’t have a clue that she likes her. 

It wouldn’t make any difference anyway, being friends is best for now. There’s no way they could have a relationship right now. They’re on opposite coasts. It wouldn’t work out. Alex has put her heart aside for Tobin, just focusing on being the best friend she can to her when they’re together. 

She does wonder how Tobin will do in college. She’s led such a sheltered life to an extent. Growing up the way she did, Alex wonders how she’ll survive school. She knows she’s smart, but she’s smart in different ways. Not the typical book smart, even though she was an honor student in high school, she’s just so much smarter in philosophical ways. 

And food! She’s never had a lot of different types of food. She doubts they’ve gone out to eat much, just from the little things she’s picked up over the years. That camp in 2004 really opened her eyes to just how different Tobin’s life was. 

 

 

_November 2004_

_“You’ve never had mac and cheese?” Alex asks Tobin, her mouth open, looking at her incredulously. They’re at dinner. Tobin had slept most of the day, missing breakfast and lunch, the drugs making her tired and worn out._

_Tobin shakes her head. “My Mom never made it.”_

_“You have to try it.” Alex states, taking a scoop of it with her fork and shoving it towards Tobin’s mouth. Tobin opens her mouth, letting Alex slide the fork in and takes the noodles into her mouth. She chews._

_“Well?” Ashlyn Harris asks, eying her carefully. All eyes at the dinner table are on Tobin, making her embarrassed. She chews quickly._

_“It’s good.” She says, nodding and looking at them._

_“Good?” Kelley laughs, “I eat this almost daily. It’s the bomb!”_

_“How have you not ever had it before?” A-Rod asks her, curious. “Does your Mom make, like, organic food or something?”_

_Tobin attempts to shrug, wincing as she feels it pull on her ribs. “Uh,” she says, pushing her food with her fork, “I don’t know.” Her embarrassment rising._

_“Well,” Kelley states, speaking with food in her mouth, “the more I get to know you, Tobs, the more I think you live under a rock.”_

_“Are you Amish or something?” Pinoe asks, grinning at her._

_Tobin gives out a chuckle, “Something like that.” She says as she feels the blush spreading across her face._

_“Hey! Did you hear the new song from N Sync?” Ashlyn asks the table, turning the conversation away from Tobin. Tobin looks up and sees Ashlyn send her a wink and a grin as she turns to listen to Kelley go on about the group._

_“Hey,” Alex leans over, bumping her elbow “you want some more of my mac and cheese?” she offers quietly, turning her plate so it’s closer to Tobin._

_“You want some of my rice?” Tobin asks her, spinning her plate. Alex grins and nods._

_That’s how they started sharing their meals. Alex would have Tobin try something new and Tobin would barter her plate for seconds if she liked it._

 

 

 

May ??, 2006 

 

Tobin hears the door open, holding her breath as she waits for them to speak.

She hears two sets of footsteps, circling her. She remains as still as possible. She can feel someone behind her, they’ve stepped closer and now their bodies are touching. She feels hands on her breasts, roughly massaging them. 

“Is it time for me to get my virgin pussy?” a deep man’s voice says, Tobin can feel his hot breath on the back of her neck. She begins to squirm, shifting her weight on her toes, only for him to laugh and holds her hips tight. 

“Not yet,” the woman’s voice replies, “you know that, you idiot.” 

“Aw, come on,” he says, “she’s been here long enough.” 

“Not yet.” She replies firmly. 

Tobin is terrified, afraid to move, to speak or do anything than just breathe. 

“Tobin, are you ready to renounce the error of your ways and beg for the forgiveness of your sins?” she asks. 

Tobin tries to form words, but her terror makes her mute. 

“Okay.” the woman sighs. “Put her in position.” 

She feels the man’s hands on her, intentionally rubbing her ass as he brings her legs up on a block. She’s squatting now, bent forward, her arms reaching above her head, slightly behind it. She groans in pain. 

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear that later,” the man laughs. 

“I want to watch you take her.” The woman says, her voice low. 

“Oh yeah?” the man questions, both of his hands on Tobin’s ass, massaging it. 

Tobin’s trembling now. She can feel the man step closer, his hips grinding into her backside. She can feel his dick pressed up against her, hard and huge. 

She struggles as her panic rises and lets out a small cry and they both laugh. 

“Yeah,” the woman says, taking a step forward and holding onto Tobin’s jaw, “I think she’ll give it up good.” 

“That sounds hot, babe,” the man replies. 

She forces Tobin’s mouth open, “Here, eat this.” Tobin can feel a banana against her lips. She takes a bite. Chewing quickly. 

The woman is patient, letting her eat two bananas and then drinking some Gatorade. Tobin fears they’ll be drugging her, but she’s so hungry and thirsty she sets it aside. 

“Open your mouth,” the woman says. Tobin hesitates but opens it slowly, “it’s a cookie.” The woman places a small wafer in her mouth. It’s chocolate and Tobin doesn’t think she’s ever tasted anything more delicious right now. 

“Thank you, ma’am.” She says, her voice rough. 

“Oh, you’re welcome.” She laughs, “You know, kid, I respect you for standing up to your beliefs, no matter how misguided they are.” 

Tobin is silent. 

“I’ll get you to change your ways,” the man laughs from behind her, roughly slapping her ass. Tobin grunts from the force pulling on her arms. 

“Open up,” the woman orders, “one more cookie.” 

Tobin opens her mouth, suddenly feeling the liquid hit the back of her throat. 

“So gullible.” The woman laughs. 

Tobin starts to cough, to will herself to throw up. 

“See you later, hot stuff.” The man laughs, Tobin hears something get dragged in front of her on the floor and then the footsteps leave and the door opens and shuts. 

Tobin begins to cry, feeling the warmth spread over her body, trying to heave but nothing is coming out. She’s squatting like a baseball catcher, but her arms are pulled back upraised behind her head. She breaks out in a sweat, her stomach starts to churn, head begins to pound. 

Oh no, she thinks, not this again. 

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

“Get your stuff ready.” Allie announces from the driver’s seat. “It’s almost time.” 

Lauren pulls the two way radio, ski mask and headlamp out from her backpack. Ashlyn kicks her hip with her sprawled leg, giving her a tight smile and a nod as she does the same. 

Lauren looks over to see Alex wiping her eyes, and then begins to dig in her backpack. 

Lauren smiles about how cute Alex and Tobin are, how vulnerable Alex was back when Tobin hurt her ribs and how she just wanted to be around her so much. There was something about that camp in November that changed Tobin, she thought. For the better. 

 

 

_November 2004_

_The room is dark when Cheney enters, seeing the lump under the covers, knowing Tobin is sleeping. She expected it, knowing the timing of her meds during these last few days._

_She feels bad about Tobin’s parents not coming to the match but she hasn’t found a way to talk to Tobin about it._

_Tobin hasn’t said anything to let the others know about it, Cheney knows her enough to know she doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her. Cheney silently switches out her warmups, putting on a swim suit so she can go down and hangout by the pool and soak up some sun and take a nap before the match._

_As she opens the door to leave, she’s met by Alex who’s hand is raised to knock and who looks just as surprised to see her._

_“Uh, hey Chen,” Alex says quickly, “is Tobin in there?”_

_“Yeah,” Cheney says, glancing into the room, “she’s sleeping, must have just taken her meds.”_

_“Oh,” Alex says, her shoulders slumping, scrunching her mouth up._

_“Uh, you want to go chill out with her?” Cheney asks kindly, opening the door wider._

_“Uh, is that kind of creepy?” Alex asks, “I mean, she’s sleeping.” She’s so unsure of herself right now and she knows Cheney can see it._

_Cheney gives her a fond smile, “For anyone else, it would be. But you?” she shrugs, “Nah.” Alex has been spending most of her down time with them this camp. She’s been perfectly content to hang out in their room, just talking to Tobin or watching a movie sitting next to her. Cheney thinks it’s adorable._

_Alex considers it for a quick moment, “Cool.” She says and slides into the room. “Thanks, Cheney,” she adds quietly._

_“I’ll be down at the pool,” Cheney says as she puts her hand on the doorknob._

_“You mean you’re not going to go, like, grocery shopping like that?” Alex grins, looking her over in her swimsuit._

_“Shut it, creep,” Cheney laughs softly, “see you later.”_

 

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

Alex leaves the passenger seat and sits on the floor of the van between Ashlyn and Cheney. She adjusts the strap on her headlamp, making sure it fits and testing the light. 

“Two minutes.” Allie says nervously. 

The three in back put on their ski masks, the headlamps over them. The lamps have a red light so it’s easy for them to see once they get used to it, but harder for someone else to see them. Ashlyn shrugs the backpack on herself. She hands each of them a can of Mace to clip on their waistbands. Gloves are on, shovels in hand, they are ready. 

Allie’s glad the road is deserted, she’s passed a few vehicles her and there, but there’s not much traffic. She shuts off the lights, rolls to a stop. She notes the mile marker sign that is in front of her, memorizing the number. 

“GO!” she whisper yells as Ashlyn slides open the side door, jumping out as Alex and Cheney follow her. Ashlyn shuts it quickly, Allie already moving away, before turning her lights back on and driving away. She watches as they disappear into the underbrush, a prayer on her lips as she drives. She pulls her phone out and carefully texts Dawn. 

 

‘The match has begun.’


	5. Chapter 5

May ??, 2006

 

Tobin can feel the painful cramps in her stomach, her nausea growing. Her head is throbbing, she feels hot, like she has a fever or something, that shaky feeling overcoming her. She’s grateful she’s on the block, she’s been able to slide her legs from a crouch to kneeling. It helps keeps the pressure off her arms. 

She settles back onto her legs, the most comfortable position she can find and lets the next round of vomiting hit. She tries not to fight against it, leaning forward and letting whatever come out. She spits, running her tongue inside her mouth, trying to get the taste out. It’s not working. 

She thinks about her Father, she has no clue why he acts as he does. Does he treat her different because she’s so bad at the soccer, she wonders. Is it because he played as well and he sees potential she’s not meeting? Because he never got to go pro in his soccer career and she’s playing on the National level and he’s jealous. Is it because he just doesn’t love her and wants to make her miserable.

She sighs deeply, her ribs getting sore again from the vomiting. She thinks about him. 

 

_January, 2005_

_Her club team is scrimmaging against another team tonight and her coach decided to have some fun and test most everyone in different positions. The match is meaningless, it means nothing to their standings, they are out of season. Her coach is just testing her players to evaluate and see if she can utilize them in different areas of the field. She’s also building her list of personal areas each player can focus their improvement on._

_She’s done this before and they have a lot of fun and learn much about the new positions they play. It makes them appreciate their teammates more, seeing how they handle their typical positions._

_But tonight, well, tonight, Tobin’s Father decided he was going to watch. He’s already gotten into a couple of disagreements with Tobin’s coach during and after some matches, so Tobin’s bordering on becoming a nervous a wreck when she sees him walk in during warmups._

_“Oh, no,” She breathes out, as she catches him heading for the bleachers. He always stands to the side. Never sits._

_Amber looks up, seeing Mr. Heath. She makes a face. “Hey,” she says, catching Tobin’s attention, “just do your best, the game means nothing.”_

_Tobin nods as they continue to warm up. Her and Amber are still best friends, playing club together and soccer at high school. They go to Youth Night on Thursdays at their church and it’s one of the only nights Tobin feels free to laugh and joke around. She can have fun at school with her friends and mostly at soccer with her team, but at home, everything is serious._

_Her and Jeffrey are close. He’s beginning to golf, much to their Father’s delight. Jeffrey has natural talent and is taking private lessons. Tobin does notice that with Katie playing tennis in college and Jeffrey playing golf, they never get ‘corrected’ after their matches or rounds. Only her. Tobin doesn’t know why and she’s stopped trying to figure out. She reasons that she must just be the worst athlete in the family and needs the extra incentives to be better._

_Tobin’s playing right back and tonight is not her night. She’s not a gifted defensive player. She knows this. It’s not her strength. She can fight for the ball in the midfield, but it’s completely different playing defense._

_She has to read the build up of the play, anticipate where the ball is going. Knowing her Father is watching makes her nervous, it messes with her concentration, makes her give up the ball, make errors._

_After the match, her team had won, but still, it was an error plagued, ugly win, they’ve cooled down and had their talk with Coach. As the players and staff trickle out, Tobin sees her Father, arms crossed, standing by the edge of the pitch._

_She walks toward him, head down, preparing herself for the ride home with him. He says nothing as she approaches, merely turning and leaving with Tobin following. He slows down in the parking lot, Tobin catching up to walk next to him._

_“Do you like to intentionally embarrass me?” he hisses, not looking at her._

_Tobin stays silent._

_She feels his large hand on the back of her neck, squeezing it painfully as he drives her forward, quickening his pace._

_“Answer me!” He whisper shouts._

_“No sir!” Tobin squeaks out, wincing in pain as she’s bent forward, her back hunched and feeling her shoulders climbing up to around her ears._

_He holds her like that as he escorts her to his car, shoving her forward against the vehicle. She puts her hands out to stop herself and stay upright._

_“Hey!” A male voice rings out, “Take it easy on her, Jeff!” It’s Shannon’s Dad, she’s their goalie. He’s a little guy, super nice. Tobin likes him a lot. Tobin sees him approach them._

_“Shut up!” Her Father growls, flinging open the passenger door, shoving Tobin in._

_Tobin watches with horror as Mr. Mason approaches, yelling at her Father. She buckles her seatbelt, her left leg bouncing up and down, her right fingers twitching against her thumb. Her gear bag in her lap._

_She watches with wide eyes as other parents begin to approach, her Father shouting at them as he walks around to the driver’s side and opens the door. He’s standing there, yelling about them minding their own business and he’ll raise his daughter how he sees fit._

_Tobin’s startled by a knock on her window, seeing her Coach peering in, concerned._

_“Are you okay?” she asks her through the closed window._

_Tobin looks away, bites her lower lip to stop it from trembling, she can feel the tears streaming down her face, a mix of some lingering pain from his hand squeezing her neck and how he roughly shoved her and the embarrassment that makes her want to crawl under the car and out of sight._

_She lowers her head, looking straight down at her bag, raising her hand and giving her Coach a thumbs up. She feels and hears her Father getting into the car, the engine roaring to life, slamming his door and shoving the car in gear._

_They roar out of the parking lot, tires squealing and Tobin fearing for her life._

_Nothing is said on the forty minute drive home._

_As they stand on the porch while her Father opens the front door, he looks at her. “Basement.” Is all he says._

_“Yes, sir.” Tobin replies._

_When she emerges from the basement two hours later, she’s exhausted and sporting a host of bruises on her back._

 

 

May ??, 2006 

 

 

Tobin’s crying. That was the first time he ever hit her intentionally. Like, not during a training session. He had her face the wall in front of the poster of Jesus, her hands on the   
wall, as he repeatedly hit her in the back. Not hard enough to break bones, but hard enough to hurt like hell. As he was doing this, he ordered Tobin to recite different Bible verses he called out. 

The next day after school, her Mother walked into her room while she was changing out her workout clothes and gasped. Her Mother held her by her arms, shaking her to tell her if her Father hit her. Tobin could only cry and nod. 

She remembers how her Mom held her close, one hand holding the back of her head, it was so comforting. 

“Sweetheart,” her Mom says, her voice trembling, “I’m doing my best to get him to stop, please know this.” She says, Tobin feeling her Mom crying as well, “I’m trying to so hard.” 

“Mom,” Tobin says into her chest, “don’t let him hurt you,” she pleads, “I can take it.” 

Her Mom suddenly pulls from her, holding onto her arms, looking at her with tears streaking down her face. “I can’t ask that of you,” she says, “no.” 

“Mom, I can take it,” Tobin repeats, “I’ll be in college next year,” she says urgently, “he’ll stop then, I know it,” she pleads. 

Her Mom shakes her head sadly, “No, sweetie, no,” she says, “this has to stop.” 

“But, Mom,” Tobin starts, and her Mother shakes her head at her again. 

“Tobin, I’ll handle this,” she says, hugging her once more, “I promise.” 

She left the room and came back in to apply some cream to help ease the pain. That night, it was her Mom who asked Tobin and Jeffrey to please go upstairs while her and her Father spoke for the rest of the evening. Tobin saw Jeffrey’s head peaking out from his cracked open door as he listened to loud argument. 

Bravely, he stepped into the hall and stood in front of Tobin’s door. “You okay?” he whispered to her. She nodded back. “Show me.” He demanded.

Reluctantly, Tobin turned and lifted her shirt up for him to see. She heard the low whistle as he saw it. “You sure you’re alright?” he asked, giving her a gentle hug. She nodded again.

He stepped away, holding her arms, looking at her seriously. “Just so you know,” he whispers, “when I’m strong enough, I’m gonna kick his ass.” 

Before Tobin could argue with him, he turned and went back to his room and shut the door.

Her Mom never spoke about the argument again, but she came and applied the cream on Tobin’s back every day before and after school until Tobin was feeling better. 

I hate him, Tobin realizes, I fear him and I hate. But I love him. He’s my Father. How can this be. This is awful. I hate him. I hope I never see him again.

She’s crying as another wave of vomiting hits, leaving her feeling lightheaded and passing out from the emotions and the toll taken on her battered body. 

 

She shakes her head, trying to clear the cobwebs. She doesn’t know how long she was out, that feeling of nausea is still very present. Mom is trying, Tobin thinks, maybe she’s just not strong enough to go against him. She told me about UNC. She promised to make it happen. But can I trust her, she wonders. Will my Father find out and make it not happen. 

Will he break my legs like he’s threatened. Will he snap and kill me?

Her thoughts are interrupted by the door opening. Then, Tobin’s gasping, reacting to the ice cold water being splashed on her. 

“Tobin,” a woman’s voice says, “are you ready to discuss your sins?” 

“Jesus Christ knows my sins and He loves me anyway.” Tobin chatters from the cold. 

“No, Tobin,” she says with a sigh, “you’re wrong. You’re sick and you need to be saved. You are making choices that will send you to Hell.” 

Another stream of cold water is thrown at her. 

Tobin is shivering from the water, “No, I’m not.” She says, her body shaking uncontrollably. 

“You will just have to contemplate more about your choices then,” the woman says. Tobin hears the door shutting and then silence. At least the guy wasn’t with her, she thinks, incredibly grateful to have avoided the near certainty of being raped. 

She’s shaking, she just wants to curl up and die. She feels the water dripping from her, shaking her head to try and clear it from her hair. Her breath is coming in shudders, her chest making sharp inhales as she fights to stay awake. 

I don’t know how long I can do this, she thinks sadly. This is too much. She longs for a bed or just to lay down. She flexes her fingers, she can’t feel them, they’re numb. Think warm, she says to herself, think warm. Another wave of cramps hit her stomach, forcing her forward to vomit again. 

 

 

_January, 2006_

_Tobin sits in her room, still chilled from shoveling her driveway and three of her neighbors driveways. She’s already showered but hasn’t warmed up yet, flicking her light switch and sliding under her covers and opening the letter from Kelley she got today. She’s a little surprised to see she has to open the envelop. Normally her Father makes her Mom wait and he reads all of her mail first._

_‘Yo Tobito,_

_What’s up dude? How’s NJ treating you? I’m writing from balmy Hawaii right now. I was going to put some sand in your envelop but then I thought better of it. So, guess what I did today?_

_I WENT SURFING!_

_DUDE! You would love it! We are so going the next time we get a chance. It was amazing, being out in the ocean, catching a wave. There’s nothing like it. Maybe we could meet up sometime in the summer before school and go. Like off the Shore or maybe Atlantic City. Or if we get a day off at camp next month!_

_It was hard, don’t get me wrong, but you have such amazing balance, you’d be a pro in no time. It only took me, like, five times to get up. Once I did, there was no turning back._

_It was hot out, there was a nice breeze, the sand was warm on my toes, and there weren’t too many people out there. Of course, I was looking hot in my bikini, but one piece of advice: tie the back very tight. Double knot it. Triple knot it even. Or just wear a sports bra. But trust the garment._

_Trust me on this._

_Anyway, I’m out on this slow wave, just watching them coming in, they’re tiny so I’m just chilling. All of the sudden, I see this fin in the water. At first, I think I’m gonna die because it’s a shark. NOPE! Dolphin! A whole school of them!_

_It was amazing. Then this great wave came, I went for it and got up, dude, it was so awesome!_

_I really, really hope you get a chance to do this. I think you’ll get so much from it. I really do. There’s just something about being out in the ocean, just chilling. It’s so peaceful. It’s a great place to think about stuff. Hope I painted you a picture of my awesome day, I’m sweating now, it’s so hot here. Hope you’re not snowed in, and if you are, stay warm._

_See you at next camp- take care of yourself. Maybe we can go surfing then. I really hope things are well for you my friend._

_Kelley’_

_Tobin lays her head back on her pillow as she puts the letter on her nightstand. That sounds amazing, she thinks. She’s done some body boarding before, when her family went to the Shore for a vacation. It was a blast. She loves the water. She can’t explain how it gives her such peace. Even watching a river, or a stream. Just being near water does something to her. Calms her, grounds her. Let’s her mind wander and think._

_She turns her light off and pulls the covers up, thinking of being on a beach, feeling the hot sun on her, her feet in the sand._

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

“So, they got off okay?” Pam Morgan asks as she shifts her phone on her shoulder. 

“Yes,” Rita Cheney answers, “they left about two hours ago and it’s about a five hours drive.” 

“I can’t believe we let our daughters do this,” Pam says nervously, “I just don’t want any of them to get hurt.” 

“I spoke to Cindy,” Rita replies, “she’s having papers served as soon as Tobin is out of the house.” 

Pam gasps, “Really?” 

“Yes,” Rita says quietly, “she spoke to Jeffrey and he’s leaving for a camp in Florida for golf in two days. Once he’s gone and Tobin is out of the house, she’s gone as well. Jeffrey will move in and live down in Florida.” 

“Is there anything we can do?” Pam asks, feeling terrible about the situation. “Can we help her get out?” 

“I think it’s all set,” Rita states, “she told me she has her friends from church organizing it. They’ve helped others get out like this before.” 

“Do Perry and Katie know?” Pam asks, wondering how they felt about it. 

“No.” Rita answers, “She wants to have it all finished before she tells them.” She says, “Pam, she has everything planned, she’s rented out a storage unit under a friend’s name and she’s been sneaking around and packing most of their stuff and storing it there for weeks. She’s packed all of the girls’ belongings, Big Jeff never goes into their rooms. Her church group has been helping with everything. She has a house in Florida ready to move into for her and Jeffrey. She’s been using money she has from when her parents passed, Tobin will stay with us when she gets back from signing her letter of intent. She’s spoken to all of Tobin’s coaches, even UNC, they know what’s happening. She set up a bank account for Tobin here in Indy. I’ve got her lined up to train here with Lauren’s group for the summer. We have a room ready for her. Dawn has coordinated a counselor with UNC to speak with Tobin over the summer. It’s all planned.” 

“Wow,” Pam says, shaking her head, “good for her. I just wish we could have stepped in sooner.” 

“I know,” Rita says, “but she’s so grateful for all that we’ve done. She told me she’ll call you soon.” 

“I’ve been hesitant to call her,” Pam says, “I don’t know what to say.” 

“She knows,” Rita assures her, “she knows how difficult it’s been for us to stand by. She feels awful for how long she let things go with Jeff. She had no idea how terrible he was treating her. When she saw that he had hit her, that was it. She really thought things would get better when they started seeing the therapist. She just wants to leave and do her best to not have the authorities get involved. But she will if she needs to.” 

“I hope our girls will be alright, this is so dangerous.” Pam states worriedly. 

“Pam,” Rita laughs, “weren’t you the same age when you did something like this for your cousin?” 

“Yeah but it doesn’t seem the same.” Pam answers back. “It’s seems so much more dangerous now.” 

“Well,” Rita says, “now you know how your Mom felt, huh?” 

“Yeah, I guess, I do.” Pam states quietly. “I wish we were there.” 

“So do I,” Rita agrees, “but we can’t, the less adults actively on the scene, the better.” 

“Dawn will watch over them.” Pam sighs, “I just wish we knew what was going on.” 

“Well, the plan is for them to drive up in the van, eat and wait for night fall. Then they go get her.” Rita explains the plan they both know. 

“I know,” Pam sighs, “it’s just hard.” 

“It is.” Rita says. “We should hear something tonight. Late.” 

“Are you sure it’s okay if Alex stays until Tobin has to leave?” Pam asks, “I know she’ll want to, even though she’s supposed to come back here.” 

“It’s fine, I know they’re close.” Rita says warmly. 

“Dawn told me Tobin will get called up for the June camp, so if you guys want to stay with us then, that would be wonderful.” Pam offers. “It would be good for the girls to have some down time together before college.” 

“We were planning on coming out for the matches, but I’ll talk to George and get back to you, that sounds good though.” Rita states. 

“John and Lori Long are coming out, they’ve rented a beach house for few days after the camp, so the kids can hang out then.” Pam confirms. 

“Sounds good.” Rita says, “I’ll talk to you as soon as I hear anything, okay? I’ve got to run to the store now,” 

“Same here, I’ve got to get lunch going for the girls. I’ll talk to you later.” Pam signs off. 

 

 

May 23, 2006

 

Alex is walking behind Cheney as they slowly move through the woods. Ashlyn is in front, crowbar in hand softly stepping to make as little noise as possible. They stop every so often to scan the area and listen. So far, they haven’t seen anyone on the property.

Tobin. It’s all Alex can focus on. She’s walking just as silently as the others, but her thoughts drift.

 

_November 2004_

_After Cheney shut the door, Alex stands in the darkened room, letting her eyes adjust to the dimness. She sees Tobin is lying flat on her back, the wedge on the bed leaving her slightly elevated, her head to the side, mouth slightly open. Alex considers her options, she can either lay on Cheney’s bed or snuggle up with Tobin. She’s not sure exactly what to do. She kicks off her slides._

_Her feet make the decision as she slowly approaches Tobin’s bed, lifting the covers and gently sliding under them. She snuggles as close to Tobin as she can, moving her pillow so her head is next to her right shoulder and the padded foam wedge. She feels Tobin shift, letting a low moan out._

_“Stop,” Tobin murmurs, “Dad,” she shifts her hips a little, leaning towards Alex a bit. “No,” she breathes out, her voice a little slurred._

_Alex freezes, wondering about what she just heard. Tobin’s been sharing a little more about her family life, but she mostly talks about her siblings. Not her parents. So, she feels something is up with them, but she doesn’t know what. Tobin doesn’t share much about her relationship with her Father, she knows they train together but how Tobin speaks of it, something feels off._

_Tobin lets out a soft whimper, bringing her hand to ribs. Alex snuggles closer, bravely moving her body so it’s touching Tobin’s, feeling her warmth._

_Tobin settles down, letting out a sigh as her head shifts towards Alex. Alex closes her eyes, taking a deep breath to relax, she begins to match Tobin’s breathing, it makes her feel close to her and allows herself to drift off._

_Alex isn’t sure how long she’s been asleep, but she wakes up completely melted into Tobin’s side. She lifts her head from the pillow, seeing Tobin’s eyes are shut. She suddenly realizes her leg is hooked over Tobin’s and her elbow is on Tobin’s stomach, armed stretched, her hand resting on her sternum in between her breasts. She goes to retract her hand when she feels a hand over her wrist._

_“Hey,” Tobin whispers, her voice raspy from sleep. Tobin’s awake even though she keeps her eyes shut, reveling in this feeling. This moment, right now, waking up to this beautiful woman lying next other. She knows for certain this is what she wants. It doesn’t matter what her parents say, her church or maybe even God Himself. She likes girls. She really likes Alex. She wonders if she feels the same way._

_“Hey,” Alex says, straightening her back, pressing herself against Tobin even more. She likes this. A lot. She’s known for a while that she likes girls. She’s even kissed a few back home. She wonders if Tobin’s ever kissed a girl. She thinks Tobin’s likes girls. She’s not sure. She knows she loves God and is super religious. She wonders about it._

_“You just chilling?” Tobin asks sleepily, moving her hand to scratch her forehead._

_“Yeah,” Alex says softly, yawning. “I thought I’d hang with you and I fell asleep.”_

_Tobin yawns, “These meds really knock me out,” she mumbles. She feels so mellow right now, but she still has a headache from earlier. She winces._

_“You okay?”_

_“Yeah,” Tobin says slowly, “headache.”_

_“Should I call Erica or Dawn?” Alex inquires, wondering how bad her headache is._

_“It’s okay,” Tobin sighs, sleepily, “it’s not so bad.”_

_“You can sleep still,” Alex says, sliding her hand into her hoodie to pull out her phone to look at the screen. “We’ve got time.”_

_“This is nice.” Tobin nods, closing her eyes again. She’s slowly rubbing Alex’s arm that’s on her chest._

_“Is your family coming to the match tonight?” Alex asks her._

_Tobin sniffs, still sleepy, “No,” she says, “why come if I can’t play?” she says without any hostility in her voice. “They cancelled their trip.”_

_“I’m sorry.” Alex says sincerely._

_“It’s better this way,” Tobin mumbles._

_Alex wonders why it is but is afraid to ask. She takes her phone and texts her Mom._

_“Well, that settles it.” Alex says, texting her Mom._

_“What settles what?” Tobin asks, yawning loudly._

_“You’re coming to dinner with me tonight.” Alex says simply._

_“Huh?” Tobin asks, eyes open, slightly glazed, lazily lifting her head to look at her._

_“Yeah,” Alex nods with a smile, “you’re coming to eat with me and my family.”_

_“Lex,” Tobin says, “you don’t have to, just because my, no, that’s alright,” she quickly stumbles over her words._

_“It’s done. I texted my Mom. She’s said it’s fine.” Alex says simply._

_“But,” Tobin starts._

_“It’s okay,” Alex assures her, “my parents would like to meet you. I guess I talk about you a lot when I’ve been talking to my Mom during camp.” She says shyly. “She wants to meet you.”_

_“You do?” Tobin asks, “Really?” She’s a little nervous, wondering what Alex would tell her parents about her._

_“Yeah,” Alex shrugs shyly, “you’re cool and I think it’s cool I have a super cool new friend.”_

_Tobin’s quiet for a minute, processing this._

_“Well,” she says, gathering her nerve, “I think it’s cool that I have a new super cool new friend, too.”_

_“Good.” Alex smiles._

_They lay in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying this feeling._

_“Thank you.” Tobin suddenly says._

_“Huh?” Alex asks, she was nearly asleep again._

_“Thank you,” she repeats, “for the dinner thing.” Tobin says quietly, her voice low and full emotion, “It means more to me than you’ll ever know.”_

_“No problem,” Alex says, squirming her head onto Tobin’s shoulder, “that’s what friends are for.”_

_Tobin just closes her eyes to fight back the tears._

 

 

May 23, 2006

 

The three are squatting on the ground, peeking over the bushes looking out at a small cabin. It’s the only one with a light on, so they are just checking it out before they approach it. 

Ashlyn has the binoculars out, trying to see if she can see any details or clues as to what the cabin is. They’re pretty sure it’s one of the isolation ones, but not completely positive.   
Lauren kneels to get more comfortable, thinking about Tobin. That camp in 2004, so much happened there. She smiles and looks over at Alex, thinking again how cute they act together. Her smile lessens when she thinks about how Tobin opened up a little, just giving her a clue that her family life wasn’t that great. 

 

_November 2004_

_Alex instructed Tobin to wear whatever she wanted, it wouldn’t matter. She was going in her warmup to dinner. Tobin instantly discards the dress her Mother forced her to bring, instead choosing her favorite flannel shirt, dark jeans and her Converse sneakers. Cheney is getting ready in the bathroom for the match, making sure her ponytail is tight and she doesn’t have any flyaways._

_“You ready, Tobs?” she calls out._

_“Uh,” she hears Tobin hesitating._

_She pokes her head out and sees Tobin struggling to try to get her sock on._

_“Let me help,” she says, coming over and kneeling in front of her. She grabs the sock and begins to put it on. “You look nice.” She says quietly._

_“Thanks,” Tobin says. “I’m going to dinner with Alex and her family after the match.”_

_Lauren looks up at her quickly, eyes big. “Your family isn’t?” She stops when Tobin starts shaking her head._

_“I’m sorry.” She says, looking down and focusing on Tobin’s shoes._

_“Cheney,” Tobin says, her voice uneven, “can I tell you something?”_

_Cheney glances at her as she finishes tying her shoe. “Anything, you know that.”_

_“My parents are complicated.” Tobin states._

_Lauren nods slowly, willing her to continue._

_“They aren’t like yours,” she says slowly, “or A-Rod’s or anyone else’s I’ve met on the team.”_

_“I know,” she says slowly, putting her hand on Tobin’s knee and squeezing it._

_Tobin looks away, biting her lower lip._

 

 

May ??, 2006 

 

Tobin still feels horrible, but she’s so hungry right now. She wishes she could drink water or anything to help stop the rumbling in her stomach. She’s nauseous and trembling from the cold, still shaking from the cold water. 

Food. Anything. She remembers how wonderful the banana tasted. An apple. She loves apples. Her Mom’s lasagna. They only have it a few times a year, it’s a special treat and so good. She thinks maybe her Father doesn’t like it much and that’s why they don’t eat it very often. As a matter of fact, they eat pretty much the same thing each week. Monday it’s chicken, Tuesday it’s pork chops, then some weird beef and noodle dish, then some disgusting stew that Tobin can only choke down because she’s usually starving, and Fridays they have burgers from the grill or pizza. She’s only allowed to have cheese and on special occasions they get cheese and sausage for her and her brother and sisters. Usually her   
Mom will just say the pizza place made a mistake and her Father just grunts. Weekends, she eats sandwiches and proteins bars because she’s typically on a soccer pitch for the day. 

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, that would so good right now, she thinks. Another wave of dry heaves come up, she’s retching uncontrollably, just spit and bile coming out. 

She moans out, she’s so sore and feels so awful. She just wishes this would stop. 

 

 

_November 2004_

_“You played brilliantly,” Tobin smiles at Alex as she strides proudly up to her after the match._

_“Thanks,” she hugs her lightly, mindful of her ribs. “You ready to go?”_

_Tobin takes a breath, “As ready as I’ll ever be.” She nods as Alex waves her family over._

_Once they’re seated at the restaurant with her family, Alex turns to Tobin, “Have you ever had salmon before?” she asks her over her menu._

_Tobin shakes her head._

_“You’re trying some tonight.” Alex states and looks back at her menu, glancing up to see her sister arch an eyebrow at her._

_Dinner was very pleasant, the Morgan family are wonderful people. They never asked about Tobin’s parents not being there, guiding the conversation to light and fun topics._

_Mostly teasing Alex about her antics as a child and some more recent funny events. Tobin can’t get over how they all talk during dinner, not eat in mostly silence. Alex bumps her shoulder a couple of times, noticing when Tobin just stops eating, looking around the table and seeing everyone enjoy themselves._

_Alex shares some of her salmon with Tobin and she finds it delicious. She wonders why her Mother doesn’t make a variety of foods at their house. Her family doesn’t go to dinner very often and most times, Tobin’s so nervous about acting correctly and not embarrassing her Father, she can’t decide to what to eat and just orders chicken. Even then, they eat mostly in silence._

_Sometimes, her Father will have someone to dinner over that he knows from work and those meals are the worst. Her Father acts like they’re one big happy family, laughing and joking through the meal, drinking his drinks and being super friendly. It makes her head spin. She just usually stays quiet, answering when spoken, not joining in on the conversation._

_She’s almost overcome a few times during the meal, Alex noticing her bouncing leg under the table or when she began to rub her fingers with her thumb. Alex thinks her Mom picks up on it because the conversation topic gets changed quickly, diffusing it. They refuse Tobin’s offer to pay for her own meal, waving her off and telling her it was their pleasure to meet her._

_They depart with hugs and promises to meet up again next time the team has a match._

_Alex and Tobin are slowly walking through the lobby of the hotel when Tobin stops walking. Alex turns to look at her. She looks a little pale and nervous._

_“Are you okay?” Alex asks, grabbing Tobin’s wrist with her hand._

_“Your parents are super nice, Lex,” Tobin says, her voice trembling, “so’s your sisters.” She bites her lower lip, looking down. She’s intently studying the tile floor of the lobby._

_“You’re super lucky.” She adds quietly and begins to walk slowly._

_“Are your parents not?” Alex whispers, her mind racing at the possibilities._

_“They’re just really,” Tobin pauses, “different.” She finishes. She’s lost her nerve to tell Alex anything else._

_Neither of them notice Dawn sitting on the sofa reading a newspaper close enough to hear their exchange._

_Alex senses the topic is closed so she simply walks with her. Neither notice that she’s still holding onto Tobin’s wrist until they get to the elevator._

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

The three watch as a golf cart pulls up to the cabin, two people getting out and entering it. From how they just walked in, it appears the cabin is unlocked. That would be a lucky break. The window that’s facing them is shrouded with a film that makes it difficult to see in. 

They wait as the couple are in there for about twenty minutes and then depart. 

“Should we go in?” Ashlyn asks, turning to look at Cheney and Alex. 

“I don’t know, maybe we should wait and time it to see when they come back first, maybe they’re on a schedule to check in or something.” Lauren suggests. 

“But if Tobin’s in there,” Alex starts, her voice growing soft. “Maybe we should wait.” Her gut is telling her they should. 

Ashlyn puts the binoculars back to her face, scanning the area. She begins to watch something carefully. “Guys,” she whispers urgently, “we should move back, someone’s coming.” 

Quietly and carefully they retreat about ten yards into the heaviest of the underbrush. They peer out as they see a lone figure walking, swinging a powerful flashlight along the edge the tree line. He’s getting closer to them. 

They flatten themselves out on the ground, silently praying not to be seen. They don’t dare to look up, but can see the light flash over them as the figure moves on. They stay silent as Ashlyn carefully raises her head, seeing the figure move on. 

“Cabin 1 is clear, no issues,” they hear the man voice’s speak into a radio, his voice carrying in the night. 

“Cabin 1 clear, copy.” They hear the response. “Make your way to the dorm, we’ve got a barricaded guest.” 

“Will do,” the figure replies, quickening his pace, “which room?” he asks. 

“124.” The three now all have their heads up, watching as the figure breaks into a slow jog away from them. 

Twenty minutes have passed they are all getting antsy in the bushes. 

“Let’s go.” Cheney says, kneeling up to look around again. 

They silently creep up to the front of the bushes, just about to enter the clearing. 

“Headlights!” Alex hisses, ducking back behind the bushes. Cheney falls into her as she squats down, Ashlyn moving quickly next to her. 

The golf cart stops in front of the cabin, a lone figure moving to the back of the cart and using two hands to carry a bucket. She enters the cabin. 

They watch as she exits, minutes later, swinging the bucket, putting it in the back of the cart. The radio squawks loudly over the crickets. 

“Marissa, check in.” 

“Cabin 1.” The woman replies. 

“We need you at the dorms. Room 124. Barricade situation.” 

“On my way,” She replies, sliding into the seat, turning on the cart and motoring away through the woods.

“Set your watch, let’s wait five minutes.” Ashlyn suggests. 

Peering over Cheney’s shoulder, looking down at her watch, Alex can’t stop how anxious she feels. 

The timer hits zero. “Now.” Alex says, springing up and sprinting to the cabin. She waits for Cheney and Ashlyn before entering. 

“In and out.” Cheney whispers, “Unless she’s bleeding bad, we put her in the blanket and go.”

They nod, Ashlyn holding the crowbar tightly as she turns the doorknob. It’s locked. She jams the crowbar just above the lock, pressing with all her might. Cheney moves next to her, slamming her shoulder into it. They coordinate their slams and pushing and tumble inside. 

 

 

_May ??, 2006_

_Tobin’s out of it, she’s weeping and can’t stop herself. Her shoulders are screaming, they feel like they’re coming out if their sockets. Her right one worse than her left. Her ribs are aching horribly, everything hurts. She’s a mess._

_She hears something, talking, by the door. Her heart begins to race, this is it. They’re coming for now. They’re going to do unspeakable things to her. She cries. She can’t fight them._

_Oh, God, what’s the lesson here, she wonders. This is it._

_She hears pounding and thumping at the door. A cry of terror escapes her mouth._

_Very quickly all she can hear is her heart rapidly pounding in her ears. She doesn’t hear anything else. Fight, fight, fight. She feels hands on her, jerking from them, trying to get away, it’s weak, she’s so weak, but she’s trying to fight them. She hears noises, speaking, but she can’t make it out._

_She feels herself being lifted, she tries to kick out, feeling hands on her legs. She thinks if she kicks harder she can break free, or least hurt them. She shakes her leg free, moving to kick again when her stomach clenches, sending her retching again, gagging as the hands take hold and lift her._

_She cries, “No!” she cries, feeling a hand on her mouth. A caress on her cheek. Oh God, this is it._

_There’s talking again and then they lay her on her side and then she feels herself being lifted and they begin to move her and she’s dizzy, she can’t keep her head up, “Please, no,” she whispers._

_They carry her by her legs and feet and the dizziness increases. Then everything goes black._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, I so appreciate the kudos and the comments. It is so cool. Keeps me motivated to keep writing. 
> 
> I've decided that this story will also get a sequel, possibly part of a three story arc. This is story 1. Meaning that it will end soon, but until it's at a good place. 
> 
> And I promise- it will not end with a cliffhanger! The chapters leading up to it, I can't make that promise. But, since I update on the reg, I feel it's okay to leave you hanging for a couple of days. Yes, I'm evil that way. :) 
> 
> I'm already up to chapter 10, so it will begin to wind down, maybe 13 chapters, there's still a few twists in this, but I think y'all wll be happy with how this part of the story will end. 
> 
> Anyway, happy reading. 
> 
> MT

May 23, 2006 

Dawn gets the text from Allie that she’s dropped off the girls. 

She sends one out to Pam, Rita and Lori. 

 

**‘Halftime.’**

 

They knew that meant the girls were out there in the woods, attempting to find Tobin. 

 

 

When Dawn was finally able to speak with Cindy Heath and tell her the plan herself and the assurances from US Soccer, they agreed to not give her a play by play of the rescue attempt. It would be too dangerous for Cindy and cause suspicion. Dawn would send her one text, a reminder text about the camp coming up next month, and that would let her know that Tobin was okay. 

She looks at her watch, it’s 11:15. Right on time. She doesn’t expect to hear from Allie for at least another two hours. She lays back on her bed, phone on her chest and tries to catch some sleep. She knows it will be a long night. 

 

 

Allie knew exactly where she would go while the others were at the camp. She thought it was pure luck, but about ten minutes away, there was a secondary highway with a large truck stop. It was perfect. She parks, grabs her purse, putting the two way radio in it in the side pocket, shoves her keys in her pocket and heads in.

She passes the liquor store, the brief thought she could use a stiff drink after this. She doesn’t drink much, the chances of her screwing up her eligibility scares her. She’s had a few beers but prefers mixed drinks. She thinks about Tobin’s Dad. He probably drinks, like, a lot. It’s just a feeling she gets. Sometimes when Tobin speaks about him, there’s this Jekyll and Hyde thing about him. That’s probably the booze. 

She walks around, looking at everything, she’s got time to kill. It’s a huge truck stop. There are rooms to rent, showers, an auto parts place. It’s pretty busy at this time of night. There’s truckers and couples and a few families, dragging their kids to the bathrooms. She sees the restaurant, walking past it, finding the bathrooms and entering it. 

When she comes out, she decides to browse the gift shop. She’s flipping through a rack of t-shirts and comes across one that makes her gasp. She makes a quick decision and finds six of them in the appropriate sizes. She’ll put them away and give them out at a later time. She knows it could be years later, but she has to do it. 

Carrying the shirts, she keeps looking. She finds some snacks, figuring the girls will be hungry and ends up going to the counter to set her things down and go back for more. She brings some bananas, oranges and apples up to the counter as well. 

Since when did you become a Girl Scout, she thinks to herself as she loads up on Gatorade and some sodas, she knows they have some stuff back at the hotel, but she wants this for the ride back. She sees some instant soups and grabs them, knowing there’s a microwave in Dawn’s room. It’s a little chilly out and the girls may be cold. Tobin may be cold. She finds a cheap Styrofoam cooler and gets a bag of ice as well. 

The woman at the counter nods at her as she rings her up, smirking at the shirts. “That place is Hell.” She murmurs, as she glances at Allie. 

Allie looks at her, frozen. 

“Hope you get your friend out.” The woman says softly. She gives Allie a smile. “Go get yourself a coffee,” she encourages her, “the wait is awful.” 

Allie doesn’t move, her cover is blown, she thinks, I am so stupid. 

The woman smiles kindly at her, “It’s okay sweetheart, really, I won’t tell. Go get a coffee.”

Stunned, Allie moves to the coffee counter. “Get a large.” The woman calls out. Allie nods and fixes herself a cup. 

“$34.47.” The woman says. Allie looks at her confused. The woman shrugs. 

“The shirts and the coffee are me.” She says warmly. “I’ll be praying for you. Hang out in the lot, I’ll make sure nobody bothers you. Go east on Route 2 to catch the highway, it’s the fastest way out of here. I heard they put GPS trackers with their stuff, so if you have your friend’s bags, make sure you check them and toss them. Sometimes they sew them into the clothes.” 

“Thank you,” Allie says, tears coming to her eyes, “thank you so much.” 

When Allie gets back to the van, she organizes it. Putting the drinks and ice in the cooler, putting the shirts in her backpack, making sure the second blanket is handy. She sits in the driver’s seat, reclining it a little and takes a sip of her coffee. 

Thank you, God, she prays, thank you for sending me an angel tonight. 

 

 

May 23, 2006 

 

Ashlyn almost falls when they finally get the door open, she feels Cheney’s hand on her shoulder, pulling her upright. They both look at and see Tobin, a black blindfold over her eyes, perched on a wood block, on her knees with her bound hands bound, her arms pulled behind her head. Cheney almost drops the video camera, panning over Tobin, her clothes are soaked, she’s shivering, as she slowly scans the room with the camera. They see the plastic bin on the floor in front of Tobin, filled with vomit. 

“Tobin, we’re here for you,” Ashlyn says, moving forward to grasp Tobin’s wrist as she tries to figure out how to get her hands free. Tobin responds with a cry and struggles against her restraints. Cheney turns off the camera, slinging it over her shoulder, leaving her GoPro on. She moves to the side to help move Tobin’s legs, her hands slipping on her wet skin. 

“Tobin, it’s us,” Cheney soothes, “Alex and Ashlyn and me are here to get you out.” She tries to calm her, but Tobin’s weakly struggling against them, she’s crying out, whimpering, making these sounds of pure terror. It pulls at Cheney’s heart, but she moves quickly as she sees Ashlyn unhooking the carabiner that holds Tobin’s arms upright. 

Alex is stunned silent, unfolding the blanket, startled hearing Tobin beginning to gag and heave. She moves to grab one of Tobin’s legs as they move her to set her down on the floor. 

“No,” Tobin breathes out, her voice panicky, scratchy and pleading. She’s weakly trying to move.

The three share a worried look to each other, then Ashlyn notices Tobin’s bags are in the corner. A duffle bag and a black backpack. She tosses Tobin’s pack to Alex who shrugs it on as Ashlyn lays the bag in between Tobin’s lower legs. 

“That’s an ankle monitor,” Cheney says, “we should take it off.” 

Ashlyn produces a knife and carefully slices the band off, standing up to set it on the block. “You and me take her head, Alex, get her legs.” 

“If she’s throwing up, we should lay her on her side,” Alex suggests, kneeling down to pull her over. Cheney helps her get Tobin’s arm under her. 

Cheney takes out the radio. “The surfer is coming to shore,” she says, clipping back on her waistband. 

“Ice cream truck is on the next block.” Allie’s voice crackles. 

“Please, no!” Tobin pleads. They see her head roll around and fall back as she loses consciousness as they lift and move her out, closing the door behind them as best they can.   
They sprint as fast as they can to the underbrush. 

 

Ashlyn hasn’t been scared this evening up until this very point. She’s freaked out by how bad Tobin looks. Strung up like that, what the fuck are these people doing here, she wonders. Using God to fuck with people’s minds, she thinks bitterly. She pushes as hard as she can, doing her best to keep up with Cheney and Alex. I really need to work on my running, she thinks randomly as she huffs, slapping branches away with her free hand. 

She keeps swiveling her head, checking to see if anyone is coming. She knows that if they encounter someone right now, they’ll be sorry. Her rage against this place is threatening to boil over. She’ll beat someone senseless. The adrenaline is flowing, her heart pounding as they carelessly thrash through the bushes and undergrowth, finding their way to the fence. 

They get to the fence, Alex diving and crawling underneath, their shovels still laying next to the hole they dug. She pulls on the blanket, sliding Tobin towards her, Cheney goes next, pushing Tobin up as Alex keeps pulling. Ashlyn is last, giving a look behind her, praying nobody is out there. She quickly crawls under the fence. 

They’re holding Tobin, breathing heavily, still in the bushes on the side of the road. “Come on, Allie,” Cheney whisper pleads. 

“Where is she?” Alex anxiously questions, peering down the road. 

Ashlyn is holding her part of the blanket, half turned, looking back at the fence. 

They see headlights approaching. It’s so dark they can’t make out what type of vehicle it is, so they stay put. About twenty yards from them, it slows, the headlights blinking and then going out. They move quickly, seeing Allie at the wheel. 

Alex slides the door open, twisting to fall inside, pulling the blanket with her. Ashlyn and Cheney follow, hoisting Tobin up and in, letting Alex drag her further in. 

“Go! Go! Go!” Ashlyn yells as she slides the door shut. She falls to the side into Cheney as Allie floors it and turns on the headlights. 

The three are breathing heavy, silent in the back. 

“Guys,” Allie says, “change out of those clothes,” she says. 

“Yeah,” Alex says, pulling the sweaty ski mask from her face. The headlamp falls off and she turns it off and sets it to the side. 

The girls change silently. 

“How is she?” Allie questions as she drives, resetting her GPS for the hotel. 

She texts Dawn. 

 

**‘Cowgirls coming back to the ranch.’**

 

“She’s out,” Cheney says worriedly, stuffing her pack with her other clothes. 

“There’s some Gatorade and water in the cooler back there,” Allie offers as she drives. 

Ashlyn opens the cooler offering a bottle to Alex and Cheney before taking one for herself. She grabs her headlamp, switching the side button and turning it on, a white light shining. 

“Let’s get her hands free.” She says, grabbing her knife and moving next to her. Alex is near Tobin’s head, grabbing and wetting a washcloth with water. She begins to gently clean her face and neck. 

“Please, Ash,” Alex pleads, “do the blindfold, first.” 

“Yeah,” Ashlyn says gruffly but tenderly, kneeling to get closer. 

“Here,” Cheney says, pulling a pair of safety scissors from the first aid kit, “use these.” She’s got her headlamp on as well. 

“Thanks,” Ash says as she grabs them. She pulls on the material, trying to find enough room to slide the scissors under. 

Alex is putting on her headlamp, her light illuminating Tobin’s pale face. Once the blindfold is off, the three let out involuntary gasps. Dark circles are under Tobin’s eyes, her face pale, looking thin and haggard. 

Ashlyn moves back to look at the bindings on her hands. Alex continues to clean Tobin’s face, then taking a towel to try and dry her wet hair. Even though she’s unconscious, Tobin’s body is trembling. 

“We have to warm her up,” Cheney says, “she’s ice cold.” She takes a second towel and begins drying her feet and legs. A cry escapes her as she does, sniffling as she helps her friend. 

Alex wordlessly hands over a pair of sweatpants. Ashlyn is unfastening the leather restraints and unhooking the metal bar between them. They see the deep red marks, some crusted blood around Tobin’s wrists and lower forearms. She gently lays Tobin’s hands on her stomach. 

“Did she have an ankle monitor on?” Allie suddenly asks, causing the three to flinch. 

“Yeah,” Cheney replies, “Ash cut it off and left it in the cabin.” 

“Go through her bags,” Allie suggests, “just in case they put something in them. I’m going to drive west to throw them off, just in case.” 

“You know,” Ash says, scooting back and moving to her bags, “there were a few of those posts in the forums about that.” 

“Tracking devices?” Alex questions, looking at her.

Ash nods, “Yeah, like, some people suspected they had stuff in their clothes and bags.” She unzippers Tobin’s duffle bag and begins to root through it. 

“Yeah,” Cheney agrees, “Alex, remember that one boy who got out, but they showed up at his friend’s house days later?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Alex nods, now remembering the story. 

“We should get her undressed and into other clothes to warm her up,” Cheney suggests. Alex nods, lifting Tobin’s hands and placing them at her sides. She’s using the scissors to cut off Tobin’s shirt when she gasps. 

“What?” Cheney looks over, seeing Alex lightly run her fingers down Tobin’s abdominals, you can see her ribs, she’s so thin and frail. 

“Those bastards must have starved her.” Ashlyn says angrily as she looks over. 

“For four days.” Cheney murmurs, the tears coming back. 

Cheney and Alex work silently together, cutting off Tobin’s sports bra, lifting her to a sitting position to dry her back and get the sweatshirt on. Tobin lets out a low moan, wincing in pain as they move her arms to get the sweatshirt on. They lay her back down, moving to get her shorts and underwear off, putting her filthy wet clothes in an empty plastic bag from Allie’s purchases and finish getting her dressed. 

“Those fuckers,” Ashlyn mutters, holding up a black device. 

“What is it?” Cheney asks, looking over at her. 

Ashlyn reads the writing on it. “A fucking sensor.” She says angrily, “Allie! Find a different hotel.” 

“On it,” Allie replies, switching lanes as she presses the menu on her GPS. 

“They do track them.” Ashlyn says quietly, “Cheney, help me out when you finish, alright?” 

“Yeah,” Cheney says as she puts a sock on Tobin’s cold foot. 

The two go through the duffle again, feeling the hems of Tobin’s clothes for any sewn in devices. They find quite a few more, using scissors to cut them from her clothes and a few in her backpack as well. 

“New plan,” Ash announces, putting the devices in a baggie, she moves to the passenger seat, “find another hotel that’s going in this direction to throw them off. I’ll pop out and leave this,” she shakes the bag, “there for them to find.” 

“Here, put it with this,” Alex tosses up the bag of Tobin’s clothes. 

“Anyone got some paper and a pen?” Ashlyn, “I want to write these fuckers a little note.” 

Cheney tosses up a small notebook and then a pen. She turns back and sees Alex placing a navy blue beanie on Tobin’s head, struggling to stop crying. Tobin lets out a low moan, her hand moving to her stomach, she begins to cough and gag. 

“Turn her head!” Cheney orders, watching Alex turn her head to the side so Tobin wouldn’t choke. She’s heaving, gagging as she vomits onto the towel. They can see the muscles of her stomach flexing as the cramps continue and they watch her carefully as it subsides. Alex softly wipes her mouth and nose. 

Allie texts Dawn a message to let her they will be delayed in returning. 

 

**‘Hit some construction.'**

Dawn is startled awake by her phone. She opens her eyes and reads the message, sitting up quickly. This is worrisome, she thinks. It could be anything, but Allie was to only use this message if they thought they were being followed. 

She texts the Moms. 

**‘Match is in extra time.’**

 

 

Forty minutes later, Allie exits the highway and enters the main strip of another small town. The motel should be pretty close. It would put them another hour away from Dawn. 

 

“We should get her warmed up, like, use our body heat.” Alex suggests, she’s just finished cleaning Tobin’s wrists and bandaging them. They were chafed and raw from the leather bindings. She lays down next to Tobin who’s swaddled in the blankets yet still chattering and shuddering. 

“Good idea,” Lauren replies, laying as well. They both cover Tobin with an arm and leg, hugging the sides of her body between them. 

Tobin issues a soft moan, her head tilting towards Alex. 

“It’s Alex and Lauren, Tobin,” Alex says softly, “you’re safe now, they can’t hurt you anymore.” 

Tobin whimpers and begins to weep quietly. “Mom,” Tobin cries out weakly. Her eyes are still shut and Alex watches closely as her mouth opens slightly and she sleeps. 

Cheney raises her head to look at Alex in the dim light, “Is she asleep?” she whispers. 

“Yeah, I think so,” Alex replies, as she wipes at her eyes, seeing that Lauren has tears fresh on her cheeks as well. 

They both put their heads down, listening to the hum of the tires, holding Tobin just a little bit tighter. 

 

Allie pulls up to a shabby motel, parking the van but leaving the engine running. Ashlyn hops out, casually walking to the office with the bag in hand. 

She opens the door, “How much is a room?” she inquires. She has a baby face she knows, but she also knows how to play the game. 

The bored looking teenage looks up at her. “We only rent to eighteen and older,” he says mildly. 

Ashlyn nods, “What about cash?” 

“Eighty bucks and I know nothing.” He replies, not shocked at all. 

“Let me check with my friends and see if they want to party.” She says, checking him out. “What time do you work ‘til?” 

He eyes her, his interest growing, “Three.” 

She arches an eyebrow at him, “Maybe we’ll see you later.” She smirks, making sure to boldly give him another once over. 

He straightens up and smirks back, “Yeah?” 

She nods and smiles and leaves the office. She had checked it out while she was in there and didn’t see any cameras behind the check in desk or in the lobby, so she strolls up to the second level, using the outside stairs and casually drops the bag in a garbage can halfway down the outdoor walkway. 

She just as casually, she comes back to the van, looking at Allie as she buckles up. “Let’s go.” 

Allie nods and backs the van out of the parking spot and carefully enters the street. She’s already reset the GPS, they’ll be at the hotel in under an hour. Cheney had doubled checked Tobin’s bag and backpack, feeling confident there weren’t anymore sensors while they waited for Ashlyn. 

Allie gets her phone out, texting Dawn. 

 

**‘Runway clear for takeoff.’,**

 

The ride is quiet, all of them in their own world. 

 

They’re almost back when Alex and Cheney jump from Tobin flinching , clutching her stomach and groaning loudly. She starts heaving again, again nothing coming out except spit. Alex tenderly towels her face, as Cheney whispers assurances that she’s safe. 

Tobin clumsily curls to her side, her legs sprawled, her hands holding her stomach. She’s moaning every so often. 

Alex and Lauren sit up, crossing their legs underneath themselves, looking on with concern. 

“Why is she so sick?” Lauren questions. 

“I don’t know,” Alex replies, gently moving Tobin’s wild wet hair from her face. 

Tobin moans again, turning a little, “Drugs,” she slurs, “they gave me something.” She can’t bring herself to open her eyes, she’s so tired. 

“Oh, no,” Alex frowns, “you’re going to be okay, Tobin, we won’t let anything bad happen,” 

Tobin licks her chapped lips, “So much trouble,” she breathes out.

“No, no, no,” Cheney says quickly, “there’s a whole plan, you won’t get in trouble, I promise.” 

“No, you,” Tobin mutters, “trouble,” her breathing starting to quicken. 

“No, it’s fine, everything’s fine.” Alex assures her. She sees Tobin’s hand moving, doing her finger thing. 

“It’s alright, I promise,” Alex urges, “no one is getting in trouble,” she says, grabbing Tobin’s closest hand and holding it tightly. 

Tobin lets out a cry, her eyes still shut, shaking slightly as she weeps softly. “I want my Mom,” she cries. 

Cheney slowly rubs her back, “It’s okay, Tobs,” she coos, “it’s okay.” 

She calms, her breathing steady, Alex still holding her hand as they pull up to the hotel. 

 

The three quietly get out of the van, stretching their bodies, feeling tired now the adrenalin rush is over. They all are worried about Tobin and anxious for Dawn to look her over. 

Allie had texted Dawn when they were only five minutes away and they see her standing outside her door, looking anxiously at them. She strides over, taking their backpacks and leading them to the room as they gather Tobin in the blankets and carefully carry her. Allie and Lauren run back out to empty the van, bringing in the cooler and other bags. 

“She said they gave her drugs to make her sick,” Alex states forlornly, sitting next to Tobin on the bed, holding her hand again. 

Dawn nods, having read some of the forums and inconspicuously consulting some trusted friends on what they could have given her. 

“She wouldn’t drink anything for you?” Dawn questions, trying to gauge if she’s dehydrated. 

“She wasn’t with it enough to.” Lauren replies as Dawn nods. 

“Okay,” she says, looking them over. The girls look exhausted. “are you all okay? Nobody got hurt?” 

They nod, “We didn’t mess with anyone, it all went just like the plan.” Lauren states. 

“Did you think you were followed?” Dawn asks worriedly, she doesn’t want a confrontation if she can avoid it. 

“No, they had an ankle monitor on her, and then we found some in her clothes and bags.” Ashlyn explains. 

“So, we took an hour detour west and dropped the trackers off at another hotel,” Allie finishes. She turns to Ashlyn, “What did you write on the note?” 

Ashlyn smirks, “I wrote that the entire rescue was filmed and the footage would be released by a nationally known organization if any further contact was attempted to bring Tobin back. We would expose their entire operation and prosecute, if needed.” 

“Huh,” Allie nods, “nice touch.” 

“I’ll sit with Tobin if you guys want to shower or go to sleep.” Dawn offers. 

Ashlyn stretches, “A shower sounds good, but I’m hungry.” 

“I’ve got snacks.” Allie smiles, going to the two bags and setting them on the desk in Dawn’s room. 

“I think I’ll shower and change.” Lauren says, opening the door to the adjoining room. 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Alex agrees, nodding from the bed. 

“One of you can use my shower.” Dawn states. 

Alex reluctantly leaves Tobin’s side, walking to the other room, grabbing her backpack on the way. 

“Hey, Allie,” Dawn calls out, Allie turning from the table as she sorts through the bags, pulling items out. “Would you help me with Tobin? I want to elevate her a bit.” 

“Oh, absolutely,” Allie says as she strides over to the bed, helping Dawn put pillows near the headboard and lifting Tobin up. She doesn’t wake from being moved. 

“Is she going to be okay?” Ashlyn asks quietly, standing near the bed. “Like, should she be at a hospital or something?” 

“I’m going to let her sleep for a bit and get some fluids in her, then we’ll assess her.” Dawn assures her. 

“Okay,” Ashlyn says. 

“Go eat.” Dawn orders. 

“What types of snacks did you get?” Dawn questions Allie. 

“Uh, some approved and some not so approved ones,” Allie replies, thinking Dawn will chastise her. 

“No, like, let’s see,” Dawn says, honestly curious, “I’m wondering if you got some things that will be good for Tobin or if we have to find someplace to get her something.” 

“Oh,” Allie says, relaxing a little. “I got some fruits, oranges, bananas, apples, and some yogurt, that’s in the cooler. There’s some pretzels, some soup, some Gatorade, water, some juices.” 

“That’s terrific, Allie,” Dawn says, giving her a side hug, “you made some great choices.” 

“Yeah, man, these chocolate covered almonds are the bomb!” Ashlyn exclaims with a mouthful. 

 

When Alex and Cheney emerge freshly showered, the girls sit around, munching on the snacks, sharing with Dawn their experiences. They all get emotional when they speak about seeing Tobin shackled in the cabin. Ashlyn takes a shower while Cheney replays her video for Dawn so she could see for herself. 

“She was probably suspended from there as well,” Dawn guesses, thinking about the forum posts. “They changed her position so as not to harm her permanently.” 

They’re silent as they let that sink in.

Dawn shakes her head as she lets out a sigh, “She’s going to be so sore.” She murmurs. 

 

Alex gets up and moves to the bed, slowly easing on to it so as not to disturb Tobin. She finds Tobin's hand under the covers and holds it. 

“Let’s see if we can wake her and get her some fluids.” Dawn suggests, standing and moving to the side of the bed. She sits in the chair. 

“Allie, can you make some of the chicken broth? And bring a yogurt.” She asks. 

“Tobin,” Dawn softly calls, “Tobin, wake up.” Alex is stroking Tobin’s hair back from her forehead, the other girls kneeling and leaning on the edge of the bed. “Come on, Tobin, wake up.” 

Tobin lets out a sigh, moving her head from side to side, wincing as she shifts in the bed. 

“Mom?” she questions, her voice rough and scratchy.

Her eyes flutter open, squinting in the light. Cheney jumps up and clicks off the overhead light, now the lights from the side table and desk illuminating the room. 

Confusion is etched on Tobin’s face as she sees Alex giving her a small smile. She turns her head and eyes everyone surrounding her. 

“What?” she mumbles confusedly, trying to figure out what is going on. 

“Tobin, you’re in a hotel far away from the camp. You’re safe.” Dawn states. Tobin’s eyes lock on Dawn, a mixture of fear and relief. 

“How are you feeling?” she asks her. 

“Sore,” Tobin replies, her voice cracking. 

“Does anything hurt you right now?” Dawn asks, looking at her closely. 

“Everything,” she groans painfully.

“Okay,” Dawn says gently, “how is your stomach?” 

Tobin thinks about it and nods, “Okay,” 

“Do you think you can drink something?” Dawn asks, “You’re a bit dehydrated.” 

“Try to,” Tobin responds. 

“Let’s get you to sit up then,” Dawn suggests, standing to help Alex move Tobin. Tobin tries to help by scooting her legs, but winces when she tries to use her arms. 

“Don’t help, let us do it,” Dawn says, “don’t hurt yourself.” 

Tobin nods, looking down. “Yes, ma’am.” 

Alex darts her eyes up to look worriedly at Dawn. She gives her a nod and they get her seated, cushioned by pillows against the headboard. 

Tobin silently looks at them, her expression blank, her eyes tired, slightly glazed over. Ashlyn, Cheney and Allie each greet her, she just looks at them silently with a blank expression. Allie brings the cup of soup to Alex who blows on it and dips the plastic spoon in it, blowing on the liquid. She spoons it in her own mouth. 

“I had to make sure it’s not too hot for you,” She explains when Tobin’s hungry eyes meet hers. 

She blows on the next spoonful, carefully bringing it to Tobin’s mouth. 

“Ash, Al, Lauren,” Dawn says softly to the trio fighting against falling asleep, “it’s been a long day and tomorrow will be another one. Go to sleep, okay?” 

They slowly get up from around the bed, issuing reluctant good nights, as they leave the room. 

“Stay?” Tobin asks Alex between spoons of soup. Alex nods. 

“You want some water?” Alex asks, offering her the bottle. Tobin nods and Alex carefully brings the bottle to her lips. 

Dawn silently removes the bandages on Tobin’s wrists, evaluating them and asking Tobin if they hurt. She places a new layer of antibiotic cream on them and applies fresh bandages. Reassured her wrists are not fractured, she moves to sit at her desk, writing out some notes in a notebook as Alex continues to talk quietly and feed Tobin. 

“That’s the last of it,” Alex says regretfully after the final spoonful. 

Tobin leans her head back, looking at her. “Thanks,” she says softly. 

“How’s you stomach feel now? Jumpy?” Alex asks. 

“Nuhuh,” Tobin slowly shakes her head, yawning. “Hot,” she mumbles, closing her eyes. 

“You want a t-shirt?” Alex asks, looking at her closely. 

“Please?” Tobin whispers. 

“Sure,” Alex says, patting her arm, “I’ll be right back.” She slides off the bed and goes to the other room bringing back one of her shirts. She doesn’t want to go into Tobin’s bag. 

“Tobin, let’s take a look at your shoulders,” Dawn says suddenly, as if she was waiting for her to get changed, “I just want to make sure there’s no dislocations or anything.” 

She slowly runs Tobin through a series of range of motion and palpation tests. 

“No noticeable fractures,” she notes, “I think you separated your right shoulder, it’s much more tender than the left. We’ll get you a sling.” 

“I’m okay,” Tobin mumbles, “it’s fine.” 

Dawn shakes her head, “We’ll put you in a sling and I want you to wear it until I see you again in two weeks at camp, okay? Then we’ll have a full evaluation. You’ll be seeing a doctor tomorrow to get checked out.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Tobin complies, not even questioning her. 

Dawn takes Tobin’s socks off, looking at her feet. She can see the beginnings of the bruises on her big toes and the ball on her right foot. 

“I’m going to get a couple of bags of ice for your shoulders and feet, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Dawn says laying a hand on Tobin’s forearm, “I’d like you to drink some Gatorade, okay?” 

“Okay,” Tobin nods as she looks up at her. 

Alex carefully helps Tobin get out of the sweatshirt, wincing herself as Tobin whimpers when she moves her arms. Getting the t-shirt on is easier, and Tobin lays back, letting out a deep breath. 

“Thanks,” she says, smiling faintly at Alex. 

Tobin’s able to hold the Gatorade bottle and suck on the straw Alex found in one of the bags with napkins and spoons. Her hand is shaky but she can do it. Alex finds another pillow and stuffs it along her side to prop up her arm and that helps. 

“Lex,” Tobin says, she doesn’t know the nickname slipped out, but it did, “if you’re tired, just go to sleep.” 

“I will in a little bit,” she nods, “your stomach handling that Gatorade okay?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” Tobin nods, “I think it’s over,” 

Alex just looks at her, “Are you okay?” she asks timidly. 

Tobin shrugs and then winces from the pain, “Ow,” 

“Stop doing that,” Alex lightly slaps her arm, but her eyes are warm. 

“I feel like this is all a dream,” Tobin says slowly, “and when I wake up, I’ll be in that room.” She looks away from Alex, looking at the desk and anywhere else but at her. 

“Hey,” Alex says quietly, Tobin feels two fingers on her jaw, turning her head to look at Alex. “You’re not going back there. Ever. That’s over now.” 

Alex watches as a tear rolls from Tobin’s left eye down her cheek, “Really?” she asks, her voice cracking. 

Alex nods slowly, “Really. And there’s a plan to keep you safe until leave for college.” 

Dawn comes back in just then, walking over with two ice packs in hand. She sees Tobin’s emotional so she slows down and looks over at Alex. 

“She thought this all a dream,” Alex explains quietly. 

Dawn nods and sits on the side of the bed. “Tobin,” she says softly, “you’re very safe here, I promise.” She holds up an ice bag, “I’m going to put the ice bags on your shoulders and feet and I’d like you to eat and drink some more, okay? I want to make sure your kidneys are good.” 

Tobin sniffs and nods and looks up at Dawn, “Yeah, okay,” she says, “okay.”

“Good,” Dawn says, “can you lean forward a little bit?” she eases the packs on her shoulders and Tobin trembles at the cold. “Just for twenty minutes,” she says, watching as Alex sets the timer on her phone and Tobin sits back against the pillows. 

“What can she eat?” Alex asks. 

“An orange and some yogurt.” Dawn replies. 

Dawn goes back to her desk and is viewing Lauren’s Go Pro footage, she has earplugs to not disturb them. Alex gets the orange and peels it, offering a single wedge to Tobin. “Can you do it?” she asks, “Are your arms too sore?” 

Tobin grimaces as she reaches for the fruit. 

“Here,” Alex offers it to Tobin. Alex feeds her, bringing piece by piece of the orange to Tobin’s lips quietly. 

“Thank you,” Tobin says as she finishes chewing the last piece, “uh, Lex, I have to use the bathroom,” she says quietly. 

“Okay, let’s get you up.” She says, moving off the bed, setting the empty yogurt container on the nightstand and motioning to Dawn for assistance. Tobin’s too weak to stand on her own, so Alex and Dawn have her sit and they carry her with interlocked hands under her knees. 

Once they get her back in bed, exhaustion settles over all of them. Dawn gets changed for bed while Alex helps Tobin get comfortable. Alex slides in next to her, snuggling close and feeling Tobin’s body relax. 

“Thank you for everything,” Tobin says sleepily to Dawn and Alex, “you saved my life.” Her last thought before sleep comes is the fervent wish this wasn’t a dream and she awakes in this bed with Alex.

Dawn is about to reply when she sees Tobin is asleep. She gives Alex a warm smile, wishing her goodnight quietly and shuts the lights off and heads to her own bed. 

 

 

May 24, 2006 

 

Alex feels something hit her chest hard, making her gasp and shoot upright. The room is dark but the light by Dawn’s bed clicks on, Dawn looking up worriedly. 

“NO! NO!” Tobin cries, her chest rising rapidly as her breathing increases, her arms moving wildly at her sides.

“Tobin, wake up!” Dawn whispers urgently, “Wake up.” 

Alex has taken Tobin’s hand, squeezing it and holding it steady, kneeling on the bed next to her. Tobin’s eyes open, flashing fear and panic. 

“You’re okay,” Dawn soothes, sitting down on the edge of the bed, “you’re safe.” 

Tobin’s eyes pass back and forth between Alex and Dawn, her breathing beginning to settle down. 

“It was a nightmare,” Alex says softly, “you’re safe.” 

Tobin sniffles, clumsily bringing her hand to her face to wipe her tears. “Sorry,” she says, her voice gravelly from sleep. 

“It’s okay,” Dawn says gently, “are you alright now?” 

Tobin nods, swallowing hard and licking her lips. “Thirsty?” Alex asks, turning to grab a water from the nightstand. She offers it to her. They both watch as Tobin raises a shaky hand to drink. 

“Better?” Dawn asks, eying her closely. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Tobin says, sniffing again, “it was just,” she shudders, “intense.” 

Dawn nods, “We’ve got some people in place for you to talk to about your dreams and whatever else you’re going to be struggling with Tobin,” she says, “you’re going to need some help processing what happened at camp and we’re all here to help you with that.” 

Tobin’s eyes grow large, the fear reappearing, “My Father isn’t going to let me talk to anyone,” she says quickly, her words rushed, she’s shaking her head, “he, he, he isn’t going to like that. He doesn’t believe in counseling.” 

Dawn nods sympathetically, “I understand,” she says soothingly, “it’s fine, we can talk about it later,” she pats Tobin’s leg. “Do you think you can go back to sleep for a bit? We’ve got some time before we have to get up.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, “I can?” she scrunches her face, “I need to,” 

“Let’s go,” Dawn says, helping her out of bed. Tobin’s regained some strength, walking unsteadily with Dawn and Alex by her side to use the bathroom. 

 

 

May 24, 2006 

 

“Goal!” a voice startles Tobin from her sleep. She barely opens her eyes, squinting against the brightness of the room. She doesn’t move, she doesn’t know where she is, just in a bed in a strange room. She lets her eyes scan the room and sees Allie Long and Ashlyn Harris on the floor in front a TV, watching a soccer match as they eat. 

Lauren Cheney is sitting on the edge of her bed, half her body turned towards the TV as well, “Ssshh!” she whispers as she scolds the two, “You’ll wake them up.” 

“I’m up,” a raspy voice says next to Tobin, close, like, right next to her. She slides her eyes and sees Alex Morgan nestled against her shoulder, suddenly feeling the warmth of her body next to her. “Who’s winning?” Alex asks sleepily, stretching her legs under the covers. Tobin feeling them against her own. 

What is going on, Tobin thinks. Where are we, she wonders, what is happening. She hears a door open and sees Dawn Scott, the head trainer and fitness coach of the National Team walking out, drying her hair with a towel. 

What kind of a dream is this, Tobin wonders. She blinks rapidly, wondering if she’s really awake at all. 

“Hey,” a voice whispers to her left, she turns her head to see Alex lying there, on her side, head resting on her hand and smiling at her, “good morning.” 

“Hey,” Tobin greets quietly, her forehead furrowed, looking confused, “where are we?” 

“Huh?” Alex questions, she’s confused now, 

Tobin just looks at her, tilting her head slightly, trying to remember why she’s lying next to her and the others are here. Is this another dream, she thinks. She looks at the group who have turned to look at her with concern on their faces. 

“What happened?” Tobin asks, her voice still gravelly from sleep, “What is going on?”


	7. Chapter 7

May 24, 2006 

 

“Girls,” Dawn says quietly, still looking at Tobin intently, “why don’t you give Tobin and I a few minutes, okay?” she asks as she walks to the side of the bed, sitting down. 

Tobin watches as the girls slowly move to the other room. Alex reluctantly slides out of the bed, eying Tobin sadly, giving her a thin half smile as she leaves. 

“Tobin,” Dawn says softly, Tobin turns her head from the door that Alex disappeared through to look at her. “Do you remember being at Camp Hamarah?” 

Tobin flinches at the name, suddenly remembering Pastor Jim, the praying, the dorm room, being sick. She remembers being strung up, how painful it was. Her hand goes to cover her side, feeling the soreness still. She nods slowly. 

“You wrote to Alex that you thought your parents were going to send you away. We found out where it was and how awful of a place it is. We made a plan and Alex, Lauren, Ash and Allie came out here, snuck in to camp and found you and brought you here last night. Do you remember any of that last night?” 

Tobin looks down, thinking. She begins to remember. She sits up slowly.

“Alex fed me oranges, right?” she asks, looking up at Dawn. 

“She did,” Dawn nods, giving her a smile. 

“They came and got me?” Tobin asks, still not totally believing they would do something so risky. For her. 

Dawn nods. 

“You all did that, for, for me?” Tobin whispers as the tears begin to form. 

“Yes, sweetie,” Dawn says, moving from the chair and sitting on the edge of the bed, “we all wanted to get to you out of there.” 

As Tobin cries, Dawn hugs her gently, Tobin feeling her hand on the back of her head, it’s so comforting, just like how her Mom hugs her. 

“My Mom,” Tobin cries, panicking as flashes of her being hurt by her Father invade her thoughts. 

“She’s fine,” Dawn comforts, “you can FaceTime with her when we get to the Cheney’s, okay?” 

Tobin nods, her chest shuddering as she ugly cries. 

“My Fa, Fa, Father,” she sputters, thinking of how furious he will be. 

“Tobin, there’s a plan in place,” Dawn soothes, “your Mom will tell you all about it later, okay?” she says as she smooths Tobin’s wild hair. “You’ll be safe, she’ll be safe.” 

She nods again, clutching at Dawn’s shirt as she cries. It’s part being confused about what was going on, part relief from being out of the camp, and partly because she feels really crappy and fearful of the unknown that lies head of her. 

Dawn slowly rocks her as she holds her, humming a soft melody that Tobin isn’t familiar with. 

“There’s so many people that love you Tobin,” Dawn whispers to her, “we’re going to do everything we can to help you and keep you safe.” 

When Tobin calms, Dawn lifts her chin, looking into her eyes, “Better?” 

Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says, her voice thick from crying. 

“Okay,” Dawn smiles, “we’re going to have to move, it’s nearly time we should be getting on the road.” 

Tobin clears her throat and takes a deep breath, wincing from her ribs. She is so sore from being suspended and her ribs ache from vomiting. 

Dawn grimaces seeing that, patting her leg as she stands, “I’ve got a pain pill for you to take, alright?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin says as she slides to the edge of the bed, “that sounds good.” 

“You can eat in the van while you’re on the road,” Dawn stares, “I don’t want you to take this on a totally empty stomach.” 

Dawn puts her arm under Tobin’s and slowly helps her up. Tobin hangs on to her arm as she slowly moves to the bathroom, walking awkwardly, limping and landing her right foot mostly on her heel from her toes being so sore. 

“There’s a new toothbrush in there,” Dawn informs her, standing in the doorway, “you can shower at the Cheney’s, their bathroom has a chair. It will be safer for you.” 

“Okay, thanks,” Tobin says, giving her a small smile. She wishes she could shower right now, she feels filthy. Being so sick, that man having his hands on her, she just wants to cleanse away the camp, the memories of that awful place. 

She’s brushing her teeth when someone knocks on the door. 

“Yeah?” she mumbles through the toothpaste. 

“Here’s some clothes,” Cheney says, opening the door and dropping them on the counter. 

“Thanks, Chen,” Tobin replies as she spits, “hey, Chen?” 

Cheney pokes her head and shoulders around the door, “Yeah?” 

Tobin turns to her, wiping her mouth and looking at her seriously, “Thank you,” she says, emotion welling. 

Lauren steps into the bathroom and hugs her, “I love you, Tobs,” she says, her voice low and husky, holding her close, “let’s get you ready to go, yeah?” 

Tobin sniffs and steps back, “Yeah, I might need help with my shirt,” she says, “my shoulders are pretty sore.” 

Once they emerge from the bathroom, the others have gathered in the room, Tobin hugs and thank each of them, Alex last. 

“I can’t thank you enough,” Tobin says, trying to hold back her tears, “I just can’t.” 

Alex embraces her, silently holding her, rubbing her back, “You don’t need to,” she says softly into her ear. 

Dawn hands Tobin a pill and a water bottle and Tobin takes it, hoping to get some relief from her discomfort. She also helps Tobin into the sling for her shoulder. It feels better immediately with it on. They begin to load up the van and Dawn’s rental car for the drive back to Indianapolis. 

Ashlyn drives with Dawn and Cheney takes the passenger seat of the van, Allie sliding in to drive and Tobin and Alex in back. 

They lean against the side of the van, Alex handing Tobin a baggie of orange slices that she eats quickly, she’s so hungry. Then a yogurt, some water, and she opens a bag for Tobin to look into of other snacks and she fishes out a peanut butter cup and eats that as well. 

Tobin runs her hand through her hair, frowning at the tangles. She had forgotten to brush it this morning. 

“Here, scoot up,” Alex says, leaning over to grab her bag, “I’ll brush it.” 

Tobin slowly scoots over and positions herself in between Alex’s legs and sits forward. Alex begins to brush her hair. 

“Ah, geez,” Tobin says, looking down at her legs, “my legs are super hairy.” 

“You can shave tonight,” Alex says as she works on the tangled mess. 

“I don’t want to see that Doctor looking like this,” Tobin frowns, embarrassed. 

“I’ve got some sweats you can put on, don’t worry.” Alex replies, leaning forward and resting her head lightly on Tobin’s left shoulder, “we’ll get you back to ship shape, okay?” 

Tobin takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly, “Yeah,” she says, “I don’t know, I just feel so anxious about everything,” 

“I’m sure you’ll feel better once you talk to your Mom,” Alex says confidently. 

Tobin turns to look at her, arching an eyebrow, “You know something I don’t?” 

Alex shakes her head slightly, “No,” she says, leaning back and resuming brushing Tobin’s hair, “I have faith.” She says firmly. They sit in silence for a few minutes, Alex muttering about the snags and trying to be gentle, Tobin beginning to feel drowsy from the pain pill. 

“You want it down or in a ponytail?” 

“Huh?” Tobin asks, dazed a little. 

“Never mind,” Alex says, gathering Tobin’s hair and pulling it back, using the hair tie from her wrist to affix it. “You tired?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, “super tired.” 

Alex takes a minute to spread out one of the blankets on the floor of the van, using a couple of hoodies for pillows. Tobin carefully lays down, kicking off her flip flops and Alex helps her lay back. 

She sighs, still not believing all that has transpired and nervous about this plan they keep talking about. She looks over at Alex who is moving her backpack to the side and sliding down next to her, covering themselves with the second blanket. 

“Come here,” Alex says, her voice hushed, as if she knew Tobin just needed to be held right now. Tobin turns onto her left side, that shoulder isn’t nearly as sore, the pain pill really kicking in and making her feel sleepy. Alex moves her arm behind Tobin, pulling her up onto her chest, letting Tobin lay her head against her chest and shoulder. 

“Just sleep,” Alex says, kissing the top of her head, rubbing her back slowly, making patterns on it as Tobin snuggles in and sighs. Sleep comes fast.

 

Rita Cheney gives Tobin a tight hug when she sees her at the doctor’s office. It’s one of the USSF doctor’s that Dawn had arranged to see Tobin after removing her from the camp. It was obvious to Tobin the doctor was somewhat aware of what she had gone through, asking some pointed questions about her time at the camp. 

Dawn sat next to her and Mrs. Cheney had held her hand as she spoke about the drugs, how sick she was, how they didn’t feed her much, relying on drinking water to stave off her hunger, how little sleep she had and then being in the isolation room. She began to cry speaking about being suspended and how bad it hurt and the man and woman and how they threatened to rape her. 

They drew blood, did a urine sample and took X-Rays of her shoulders and feet. The Doctor examined her wrists and put on fresh bandages, inserting an IV line into Tobin’s arm and giving her a bag of fluids as she sat back on the tilted exam table. 

The three don’t speak much while waiting for the Doctor to return to the room, Tobin sniffling against Mrs. Cheney. After some time, they turn their heads as they hear a knock and the door swings open and the Doctor reappears. 

“Okay,” She says as she sits on a low swivel chair, “I received the blood results and here’s what we’re looking at,” she says as she flips open her file. “Your kidneys are looking pretty good, I’d say you had the beginning of stage two dehydration going on, so this bag of fluids is nearly complete, just drink a lot of water and Gatorade the next few days.   
You’re suffering still from sleep deprivation and malnutrition, so that’s easy: sleep and eat.” She grins at her, making Tobin give her a small grin back. 

“You’re feet are bruised, so you need to stay off them, no excessive walking around. Absolutely no running for the next ten days. Your shoulder has a grade 1 separation, so you’re in a sling for the next two weeks. I’ve got a different sling for you, we’ll get you fitted before you leave. When you get to camp, they’ll reevaluate you.” 

“You’ll have pain medication for the next week, then just take Tylenol as needed. You’ll have an anti-inflammatory to take as well for the next ten days. You’ll also have a sleeping pill to take at night, and Zanax for your anxiety. If you’re feeling panicked, take one. It will calm you down and probably make you tired.” She concludes. She looks at Mrs. Cheney, “I’ve got the copy of Medical Power of Attorney for you on file. All the after care is written out, so you’ll have a copy of this.” 

“Thank you,” Rita replies. 

They wait a few more minutes for the nurse to unhook Tobin from the IV line and bandage her arm and then fit the new sling, the onsite pharmacy fills the prescriptions and they’re loading Tobin into Rita’s vehicle. 

“Tobin, I’m going to be leaving for a couple of days, but I’ll be back here to fly with you back to New Jersey.” Dawn explains. 

“Dawn,” Tobin says, her voice cracking, “thank you so much,” she begins, the tears coming once again. 

Dawn hugs her, “You get some rest,” she says, “you need to lay low and let your body recover, alright?”

Tobin nods, “Okay.” 

Tobin falls asleep on the drive. 

 

 

Once back at the Cheney residence, the girls are there to help her out of the car and into the house. They take her right to the kitchen table as dinner is just about ready. Dinner is loud and fun, filled with laughter as they all talk about silly things that happened at previous soccer camps, Ashlyn telling some tales of her adventures on the beach near her house and some of the trouble she got into a few years ago, including how she slapped some boy across the face with a dead fish. 

Alex is sitting next to Tobin, noticing her leg beginning to bounce and that she’s doing her finger thing again. She casually sets her hand on Tobin’s leg, giving it a squeeze. Tobin turns, offering her a shy smile. 

Alex leans over, “You doing alright?” 

Tobin nods, scrunching up her mouth, “I just want to talk to my Mom,” she whispers as Alex nods. 

Tobin offers to help with the dinner dishes, but everyone orders her to sit. Mrs. Cheney comes by and taps her back, “Let’s go to the office, okay?” she asks, “It’s nearly time.” 

Tobin slowly gets up from the table, slowly following her out of the room. Rita gets her set up in the office, turning on the laptop, cuing up Skype and then giving her a hug. 

“Would you like me to stay?” she asks her warmly. 

“No, that’s okay,” Tobin replies, “thanks though.” 

“Alright, sweetie,” she says, closing the door on her way out. 

Tobin sits nervously, waiting for her Mom to call in. Her left heel bouncing against the floor, her right thumb rubbing her against her index and middle fingers. Once she clicks to accept the call, she can’t stop the tears. She doesn’t want to worry her Mom, she knows she has enough going on, so she tries to be strong for her. She doesn’t tell her everything that happened, just that she hurt her shoulder and she’s sore and tired. She doesn’t lie, she can’t lie to her Mom, but she refuses to go into any of the sordid details. 

She sits dumbfounded, listening to the plan her Mom has put in place. She can’t believe she’s divorcing her Father. She can’t get over how all of the details are in place and her whole life is getting uprooted. She’s amazed at how strong her Mom is, how she’s thought of pulling this off so carefully. 

“But, what about Dad?” Tobin finally asks after her Mom finishes. 

Her Mom is quiet for a moment, Tobin watching as her Mom takes a deep breath and lets it out, “He’s being served with divorce papers after you sign your letter of intent. I have an Order of Protection in place to enact for myself, you and Jeffrey, if needed. He’s not going to hurt you ever again.” 

Tobin’s so confused about this, yeah, he was awful to her, but he’s her Dad. “I don’t know what to say,” she says, her voice trembling, “this is all so much to take in.” 

“I know, honey,” her Mom says soothingly, “we can talk more about it,” she says, “but this is best for you and all of us. I just regret that I didn’t do this sooner. I’m so sorry.” 

“They took my phone.” Tobin says suddenly. 

“I know, I figured they would so, I reported it stolen to the phone company and they shut it down the first night of your camp. Your new one is being shipped to you.” Her Mom replies. 

“What do Perry and Katie and Jeffrey think about all of this?” Tobin asks, suddenly wondering about her siblings.

“I’m talking to them tomorrow.” 

“Oh,” Tobin says, scrunching up her face. 

“Honey, I know you’re overwhelmed right now,” her Mom says, “but this is for the best. You’ll be okay. I promise you’ll be okay. Let it sink in and when we talk again, I’ll answer any questions you have.” 

“Uh, how do I get a hold of you? I mean, so that Dad doesn’t know what’s going on?” Tobin asks, wondering how to act these next few days before she goes home.

“I’ll check in with Rita each day and let her know what times would be good for you to call.” 

“Does he know I’m not at camp?” she asks, fearing the answer.

“Not that I’m aware of,” her Mom replies, “not yet.” 

Tobin nods. Then she looks at her. “Mom, are you safe? Dad hasn’t hit you, has he?” she asks fearfully, her voice trembling at the thought. 

Her Mom shakes her head, “I’m okay, it hasn’t come to that. I’ll be fine.” 

“But Mom, he can get so mad…” Tobin trails off, thinking of some of her last sessions with him. Her leg is still bouncing and her fingers are rubbing her thumb. 

“Sweetie, it will be fine. I promise.” Her Mom says warmly, “Don’t worry about me, just take care of yourself. I’ve got to go now.” 

“I love you.” Tobin says urgently, fresh tears coming to her eyes. 

“I love you so much sweetie,” her Mom says, tearing up as well, “I can’t wait to see you in a few days.” 

They sign off, Tobin sitting in the office, stunned by their conversation. She’s a mix of emotions, not sure how she feels about everything. She’s sore, her shoulder’s letting her know it’s there, her ribs ache from crying. She’s tired. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. She drops her head down and rubs her eyes awkwardly with the heels of her hands. She shuts the laptop down, pushing her chair back and slowly leaving the office. She doesn’t want to see anyone, she doesn’t want to answer any questions, she just wants to be alone. 

She moves down the hallway to the guest bedroom where all of her stuff is. She pulls the covers back and gets in, the physical and mental exhaustion hitting her hard. She lays on her left side, holding a pillow as she cries softly. 

She’s not sure how long she’s been crying as she grips the pillow when she hears the soft knock on her door. She doesn’t move, hoping they would just go away. She feels selfish and guilty about feeling that way, but right now, she just wants to be alone. 

She hears the knob turn and the door open, soft footsteps approaching the bed. “Tobin?” Alex’s raspy voice beckons her. 

She grunts, half asleep, turning a little to see her. 

“I’ve brought you your pain pill,” she says quietly, her tone uncertain. Tobin thinks they probably drew straws out there about who would come in to deal with her. “Can you sit up to take it?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin says, her voice low and rough again from crying. She clears her throat as she slowly sits. “Thanks,” she says as she takes the pill and water glass. She pops the pill in her mouth and swallows it down. 

“Can I get you anything?” Alex asks as she sets the glass on the nightstand. 

“Yeah, a new life,” Tobin snorts, uncharacteristically sarcastic and dark. She sighs, “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Alex replies, “I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling right now.” 

Tobin glances at her, then down at her lap, picking at the invisible lint on the comforter. 

The room is silent, some laughter filtering down the hall from the kitchen. 

“I’ll, uh, I’ll just go then,” Alex says, her voice hesitant, she’s so unsure seeing Tobin like this. 

“My Mom is divorcing my Dad.” Tobin speaks suddenly, her voice still low and gravelly, feeling that saying the sentence actually helps her make it her new reality. “She’s moving to Florida with Jeffrey. She might have to get the Police involved.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Alex sniffles, her emotions are getting the better of her. 

“I’m gonna go back to sign my letter of intent and then live here with Cheney for awhile,” Tobin looks up at her, her eyes filled with sadness, “until preseason starts at UNC.” 

Alex nods, she knows that much of the plan. 

“It’s, like, all happening,” Tobin’s voice rises, looking at Alex, slowly shaking her head, confusion and fear evident in her eyes, “my Mom must have been planning this for months.” 

She looks at Alex with searching eyes, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, or feel, this is so crazy,” she says, her breathing picking up, “I’m leaving everything, everyone I know,” she says frantically, her breaths coming faster. 

Alex sits on the side of the bed, taking her hand, rubbing her thumb on top of it, “Just settle down,” she says softly, “get a hold of your breathing,” she soothes, “nice and slow,” she encourages. She takes deep breathes letting it out slowly, Tobin mimicking her. 

“That’s it,” she nods, “you’re doing good,” she encourages, giving her a small smile, “just keep going, nice and easy.” 

Tobin calms, just looking in Alex’s eyes, seeing her relax as they both breath slower. It calms her and soon she’s fine and breathing normally. 

“Thanks,” she mumbles, her exhaustion kicking in. 

“Do you want to sleep?” Alex asks, raising an eyebrow at her. 

“Yeah,” Tobin says, “I’m beat,” she slowly moves her legs under the covers, not caring about showering or brushing her teeth, she’s too tired. 

Alex looks at her uncertainly, “Uh, you want me to stay until you fall asleep?” 

Tobin glances down, then looks up at her, “Would you mind?” she asks meekly, hating how needy she feels. She’s confused at how easily Alex makes her feel better, calmer, safe. 

Alex smiles big at her, “Never,” she says, leaving the side of the bed and walking to the door, “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?” 

“Uhuh,” Tobin mumbles as she stares at the ceiling. 

A couple of minutes later, Alex is back, shutting the door quietly, turning off the overhead light and moving to the bed, she had changed into a t-shirt and sleep shorts, Tobin eying her walk across the room. 

She slides into bed, shutting off the lamp on the nightstand and settles into the bed. 

They lay side by side, not touching, in the darkness. 

“Lex,” Tobin says, her voice breaking, sounding small and weak. She’s so scared, but she’s so tired. 

“Come here,” Alex says, moving closer, pulling Tobin into her. Tobin cries herself to sleep, lying with her head on Alex’s shoulder, Alex slowly rubbing her back. 

 

 

May 25, 2006 

 

 

Tobin can feel eyes on her as she wakes, she sighs, squirming slightly to get comfortable, not opening her eyes, but feeling a presence next to her. She shifts again and opens her eyes to a pair of bare feet inches from her face. 

“Ugh,” she moans, shifting her head away. 

“Good morning,” Lauren’s voice softly calls out, “or should I say good afternoon,” 

“Huh?” Tobin asks sleepily, not wanting to get up, but she really has to pee. 

“It’s almost one.” Lauren says, putting her book down, “We let you sleep in.” 

Tobin yawns, shifting to her back, arching it as she stretches her legs. “I was out,” she mumbles. 

“Yeah,” Lauren agrees, “You want to get up for a bit?” 

Tobin looks at her, “Shouldn’t you be in school?” she questions. 

“I had a half day. Seniors. Last day.” Lauren smiles. 

Tobin nods. She doesn’t even know when she gets out of school or if she’ll go back. All of her finals were completed before she left for camp. Graduation. It’s June first. Is she going, she doesn’t know. She never asked her Mom. 

“What?” Lauren asks, seeing Tobin frowning. 

“I don’t know if I’m going to my graduation.” She replies softly. 

Lauren grimaces, “I don’t know,” she shrugs. 

“I gotta use the bathroom,” Tobin says, groaning as she gets out of bed. 

Lauren helps her stand. “Got your legs?” she asks, seeing how wobbly Tobin is. Tobin nods, “Yeah, thanks.” 

Lauren takes a few steps away to leave the room, but turns back when she doesn’t hear Tobin behind her. She sees Tobin pulling the comforter back on, straightening it and moving the pillows. She’s making the bed. 

“What are you doing?” Lauren questions, head tilted, a hand on her hip, perplexed. 

“Making the bed,” Tobin answers simply. 

“Why?” Lauren questions, thinking Tobin will just eventually go back there to nap. 

Tobin doesn’t look up, finishing arranging the pillows on her side, “You make the bed before you leave the room.” There’s something in Tobin’s tone that makes Lauren decide not to push it. She answered like she was repeating a phrase that was often repeated to her. 

Instead, Lauren moves back to the bed and helps finish the opposite side, completing the task wordlessly. She doesn’t say anything when Tobin stops to rearrange the pillows she casually tossed in place. 

 

“Where is everyone?” Tobin questions as she looks around the kitchen and living room. 

“My Dad’s at work, Mom is at the grocery store and the girls are packing.” Cheney explains as she reaches into the fridge. “What do you want for breakfast?” 

Tobin shrugs a little, “Cereal is fine,” she says, “don’t go to any trouble.” 

Lauren sets down the bacon on the counter, “You’re not trouble, okay? You need to eat, the girls need to eat before their flights. So, you’re not putting anyone out, Tobs, alright?” 

Tobin sighs and nods, “I guess,” she says slowly, feeling like she needs to earn her keep. 

“Go sit and I’ll make you something. You want breakfast or lunch?” 

“Whatever is fine, I can eat anything.” Tobin replies, “Are you sure I can’t help?” 

Lauren shakes her head, “You need to be off your feet. Doctor’s orders.” She says, pulling a kitchen chair out and pointing at it. “Besides, you need to save your strength to shower after this.” 

The idea of Alex helping her with her shower sends Tobin into a slight panic. Sure, they’ve seen each other naked in the locker room for years, but this, here, with her needing to help, that makes Tobin feel anxious. 

“Uh, Cheney?” she asks, looking over and seeing her pull out a frying pan, turning to face her. 

“Huh?” 

“Will you help me with the shower?” she asks quietly, nervously. “Just you?” 

Lauren nods instantly, a flash of understanding passing through her, “Absolutely,” she says, “how about a super nutritious grilled cheese with bacon?” she smiles at her. 

“Oh man,” Tobin smiles, “that sounds so good.” 

“Perfect,” she nods, reaching for the fruit bowl on the counter and tossing an apple at Tobin, “here,” 

Tobin easily catches it with her left hand, munching hungrily. 

The smell of bacon draws the girls out from down the hallway, Ashlyn and Allie carrying their bags and setting them by the door. The two are fully dressed with shoes on and Allie   
sets her purse on top of her backpack. Alex moves to the kitchen counter, immediately jumping in to help Lauren. 

“Morning, Tobs,” Ashlyn grins at her, “how ya feeling?” 

“Much better, thanks,” Tobin replies as she finishes chewing, “how you doing?” 

“Looking forward to getting back and saying goodbye to my high school days! Seniors!” she shouts, raising her hands above her head and doing a little dance. 

Tobin gives her a half hearted grin, turning as Allie slides into the seat next to her. Allie lays a hand on her shoulder, “You call me whenever you want,” she says, setting a piece of paper of the table, “I’ll see you at camp in a couple of weeks, but if you want to talk,” she trails off, looking down. 

Tobin leans in to her, “Thanks for everything Al,” she says quietly, “I can’t tell you how blown away I am for what you’ve done for me.” She glances down and sees Allie’s phone number on the paper. 

Allie wraps her arms around Tobin from the side, planting a kiss on her cheek, “John 15:13.” She whispers in her ear. 

Tobin has to think for a quick moment, then tears threaten as she remembers the verse. “Thanks so much,” she says, looking at her, “you’re pretty amazing.” 

Allie smiles, “Love ya, chick,” she says, leaning back in her seat, “keep me posted on how everything goes, okay? Seriously.” 

“Will do.” Tobin nods. She wonders if she’ll be able to use her phone to call her friends. Before she could only use it for soccer related texts and calling her parents. She has some money, maybe she can ask her Mom if she can pay the bill to be able to use it. 

“Doritos are the best!” Ashlyn exclaims, drawing their attention to the counter where Cheney, Alex and Ash are having debate about what chips go best with a grilled cheese. Tobin sees the counter littered with bags. 

Alex brings the bags to the kitchen table, Ashlyn brings a handful of sodas and sets them down. Tobin eyes them suspiciously. She’s never had any soda before. Her Father said they would rot her teeth out and he would break one of her fingers for every cavity she ever got. 

Her leg starts bouncing, her fingers start moving, she scans the table as the others chatter away, bringing plates over as Cheney finishes making the sandwiches. 

Allie sees her looking wide eyed at these choices, and she suspects Tobin hasn’t been exposed to it before. She’s seen it before with the kids they foster in her house. She nudges her elbow, “Hey,” she whispers, so the others can’t hear her. 

Tobin sharply turns her head, her eyes showing panic. 

“Would you like milk or water instead?’ Allie kindly asks her, giving her a warm smile. 

Tobin can only nod. Just like some of those kids when they are overwhelmed. “Milk?” Allie asks and sees her nod her head. She nods back and slides out of her chair, moving to get a glass and pull the milk from the fridge. 

They all sit at the same time, Ashlyn looking over as Allie sets the glass down by Tobin. “Yo, Tobs,” she says, smiling, “live a little,” she holds up a can of soda, “Dawn’s not here.” 

“Uh,” is all Tobin can manage, unsure to how to respond. 

“Ash,” Alex swoops in, “she can’t eat like crap right now, she’s got to build her strength up.” She had seen Tobin’s look of panic and from eating so many meals with her, she also knew those choices were probably freaking her out right now. She saw Tobin give her a grateful smile and then glanced at Allie who did the same. 

“Eat up,” Lauren declares as they begin to eat. The group chats easily, Tobin remaining quiet as she wolfs down her sandwich. Allie wordlessly tosses her second half of hers on Tobin’s plate as she gets up to make another one. 

If the others saw, they don’t say anything, talking about their training schedules for before camp and wondering what to expect at preseason on their college teams. 

When Allie returns to the table, she drops the second half of her sandwich on Tobin’s empty plate and sets an orange down next to it. “Thanks,” Tobin says gratefully, picking up the grilled cheese, savoring the taste. 

Lauren leaves the table and returns to hand Tobin her pain pill which she takes. She’s still so sore, her shoulder a constant ache. They let her sit on a stool near the counter, wrapping up the bread so she feels like she’s doing something to help as they clean up the kitchen. 

Mrs. Cheney returns then, the girls bringing in the groceries, allowing Tobin to unpack the bags one handed on the counter, arranging them by category. She doesn’t see the looks they give, surprised how orderly she is placing everything. Her eyes are growing lower though, she can feel herself getting sleepy. 

Goodbyes are short and sweet, Mrs. Cheney waiting by the door as the girls hug and then Allie and Ashlyn are gone. 

Lauren and Alex help a woozy Tobin to the couch, reclining the corner of it and bringing out a pillow for her head. She’s out before they can toss a blanket over her. 

The two speak quietly in the kitchen sitting at the table. 

“She hasn’t had too many different types of food, you know?” Alex states, playing with the label on her water bottle, “like, today, all those different chip bags? I don’t know if she’s ever even eaten a chip. Or pop. She was starting to freak out about it.”

Lauren nods, “I thought she was a little on edge.” She leans her elbow on the table and cups her chin with her hand, “I’ll tell my Mom to go easy on dinner, maybe just make simple stuff, not too many sides.” 

Alex nods and then shakes her head. “I can’t believe her parents are divorcing. It must be really bad.” 

Lauren looks at her, “I think it was worse than we can imagine. She once told me how she had to do wind sprints in the snow barefoot because she forgot and wore her muddy cleats in her Dad’s car. She was, like, ten.” 

Alex frowns, “She told me how he would lock her in this tiny dark closet in their basement and bang on the door to scare her and keep her from falling asleep.” She sighs, “Like, I think he did it for hours.” 

“You know how she can quote scriptures and stuff?” Lauren asks as Alex nods, “Well, one time, after a match, I was talking to Perry and she let it slip how her Dad would make Tobin quote Bible verses while she was kneeling and holding weights or yard bricks or something.” 

“Like that one time in camp with Dawn?” Alex asks, surprised, she wondered what Tobin had meant when she said she did that so much. 

“Like, Perry said her Dad told her it would help Tobin focus and face adversity and be tough on the pitch.” Lauren frowns. 

“He, like, mixed in so much God stuff with all these horrible things he did to her,” Alex whispers, “I don’t know how she can be so sweet and not so hateful about everything.”   
“He’s her Dad.” Lauren whispers back, “I’m sure she’s so confused how to feel about it all.” 

They both turn and look at the couch to see the back of Tobin’s head. 

“She’s not sure if she can go to her graduation or see her friends before she leaves to come back here.” Alex states sadly. 

“No!” Lauren exclaims quietly. “I hope she can. That would suck.” 

“I’m really worried for her.” Alex says as she frowns. 

“So am I,” Lauren agrees, “but we’ll get her through this, right?” 

“Absolutely.” Alex says firmly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the kudos and kind words. This chapter is representing the transition from home to college for Tobin. 
> 
> The next story will focus more on Tobin in college and the final one will be in the NWSL. Each story will have some flashbacks and also time spent with the National Team. There probably won't be as many flashbacks, but just those that are necessary for historical and emotional purposes. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around- I really appreciate your encouragement.   
> MT

August 1, 2006 

 

“So, you’re all packed?” Cheney asks, giving her a small smile. 

“Yeah,” Tobin breathes out, looking at her bags on the floor of her room, “that should be everything.”

They’re both quiet for a moment. 

“When do you leave for school?” Tobin asks, looking at her. 

“Next week,” Cheney replies, “I’ll get there two days before preseason starts.” 

Tobin nods. “I’m super excited but, kinda nervous.” She admits. 

“Me too,” Cheney agrees, “but then I think how it’s almost like going to camp and I feel better.” 

Tobin bends to reach her backpack, “I like that,” she grins at her, “that’s good.” Except that she doesn’t like it completely because it won’t be camp, it will be a new team, new coaches and a completely new living experience.

Sensing Tobin’s thoughts, Cheney steps to her, squeezing her into a tight hug, “You’re gonna be just fine,” she whispers in her ear, “enjoy seeing your Mom in Florida, relax a little and get ready for the season.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin sighs into her shoulder, “you’re right.” 

“Hey,” Cheney says, pulling back and moving her hands to hold Tobin’s shoulders squarely, “you’ll have Ash, Whit and Kling there.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods, breaking free of her grip and holding her close again, “you have a great preseason, too, okay?” she says, knowing Cheney won’t know as many people on her team as Tobin does. 

“I will,” Cheney says, Tobin feeling her cheeks react with the smile she’s giving her. “I’ll know a bunch of people there. You know, UCLA is the shit for the National Team.” 

They both laugh. 

“Alright girls,” Rita Cheney says quietly from the doorway, “we should head out.” 

Tobin looks up and releases Lauren, taking three large strides to the doorway and engulfing Mrs. Cheney in a tight hug. 

She doesn’t mean to cry but when Mrs. Cheney runs her hand up Tobin’s back and gently cradles her head, she bursts into tears. “I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for me,” Tobin manages to say between her sobs, “I, I, I” she can’t form the words to express herself in the moment. 

“I know, sweetheart,” the older woman says assuredly, tightening her grip momentarily before easing up. 

Tobin knows she knows. Dawn Scott had spoken to Coach Dorrance and soon Tobin was calling the UNC soccer team’s sports psychologist, talking for an hour at a time a few evenings per week. They spoke about everything, from mundane daily workouts to the darker, more difficult subjects like, her Father and some of his special training sessions. 

Some of those conversations left Tobin feeling pretty raw, at loose ends, unable to commit any of her thoughts or words to her journal. Not wanting to worry her Mom, she turned to Rita, who selflessly stepped in as a second Mother to her, sometimes just holding her, not speaking, other times, asking her the hard questions Tobin needed to think about. 

“You call any time, okay?” Rita smiles at her when they break free. 

Tobin looks up at her as she wipes her eyes, “I will, you too?” 

Rita gives her a smile that’s so similar to Lauren’s it leaves no doubt they are Mother and daughter. “Absolutely.” 

The three stand there for a moment awkwardly, waiting for someone to speak. 

Tobin breaks the silence, “I’m so glad we did this here and not at the airport,” she breathes out with a sigh as she grins at them. 

Lauren shakes her head at her, bending to pick up one of her bags, tossing it at her, “Let’s go, goofball.” 

 

 

“Mom!” Tobin yells out over the crowd in the airport. She sees her Mom turn towards her, both moving quickly. 

They embrace, Tobin nuzzling into her neck, feeling her Mom’s hand hold her head. “Oh, baby, I’ve missed you,” she hears her Mom say. 

They pull back, Tobin smiling at her, “It’s so good to see you!” she exclaims. 

Her Mom takes her hand, “You too,” she says, leading her towards the baggage claim, “I’ve missed you so much.” 

While they stand together waiting for Tobin’s second suitcase to come around the conveyor, Tobin feels eyes on her. She turns to see her Mom looking at, a wistful look on her face. 

“What?” Tobin questions, tilting her head at her. 

Her Mom shakes her head, “You look different,” she says, shrugging her shoulders, “you look happy.” 

Tobin nods, draping an arm around her shoulders, “I am,” she grins, “how can I not be? I’m here with you.” 

 

 

“This place is awesome, Mom!” Tobin exclaims, taking in her Mom’s house. It’s only a block away from beach access in Satellite Beach. 

The whole place has a light and airy feel, very welcoming, with light colored walls, high ceilings and an open layout. Tobin sets down her duffel bag, shrugging off her backpack and setting it on the floor. She walks through the living room, trailing fingers along the back of the sofa, looking at everything, soaking it all in. 

“Do you want something to drink?” her Mom offers, walking ahead of her, motioning for Tobin to follow her to the kitchen. 

She sets a glass of water in front of Tobin on the counter, “I have a surprise for you,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows at Tobin. 

“What?” Tobin asks, looking around. 

“Your room.” She grins at her. 

“My room?” Tobin points a finger at her chest, surprised. 

“Come on!” Her Mom says, coming around the counter, grabbing Tobin’s hand, laughing as she leads her up the stairs. 

“Mom, you didn’t tell me I had a room!” Tobin exclaims as she follows her, shaking her head. 

“I know!” Her Mom laughs, “But you didn’t think I wouldn’t have a place for you when you come to visit, did you?” 

They stop in the hallway, her Mom looking at her expectantly. 

“Ma,” Tobin says, scratching the back of her neck, “I didn’t give it much thought,” she admits slowly, “like, there’s been so much going, I wasn’t going to ask.” 

She watches as her Mom’s face morphs, flashing regret and sadness. She nods her head slowly, “I know, sweetie,” she says softly, “I’m so sorry I’ve turned your life upside down, it was so unfair of me. And how long I never saw or knew exactly what your Father was doing and how wrong it was, how abusive it was, I’ll never forgive myself.” Tears are brimming in her eyes. 

“No, Ma,” Tobin starts, taking a step forward to her, “it’s okay, I understand,” 

Her Mom shakes her head at her, “No,” she sighs, “you don’t and I hope you never do, sweetie.” She says sadly, “But, know this: you will always have a place to call home with me, from here on out. I promise.” 

Tobin leans towards her and they hug, holding each other quietly for a moment. No words need to be spoken. 

Her Mom squeezes her, “Now, here’s Jeffrey’s room,” she announces, breaking free of the hug and opening the first door on the right. 

They step in, looking around, Tobin tsking under her breath. “He’s kind of messy, Mom.” She states. 

Her Mom laughs, “It’s not that bad and I don’t care!” she says, “He’s happy and that’s all I want!” 

“Come on, let’s check out my room and the guest room,” she suggests, leading her out the door. 

After spending a few minutes in the guest bedroom and her Mom’s room, Tobin finds herself standing in front of the door to her room. Her Mom has a hand on the doorknob, barely able to contain her excitement. 

“Now,” she says, raising a hand and waving it for emphasis, “I haven’t fully decorated it because I want you to do whatever you want in here, but I did have it painted. If you hate it-”

“Mom, can I see?” Tobin interrupts, anxious about what’s on the other side of the door. 

“Oh, yes!” Her Mom laughs, “I’m sorry, I’m nervous you’ll hate it.” She admits, turning the knob and opening the door. 

“I’m sure I won’t…” Tobin trails off as she steps in. “Woah,” she breathes, looking around. The walls are a light grey with a bleached greyish wood floor. A black lacquered bedframe holds the queen size mattress jutting out from one wall, a similar colored low dresser on another and an upright wardrobe in the third. 

“There’s a balcony?” Tobin whispers, walking towards it, pulling open one of the French style doors. She steps onto the balcony, noting two chairs and a small table. It overlooks the houses across the street and gives a full view of the ocean. 

She turns to see her Mom a few steps within the room, near the door smiling at her. Walking back in, she gently shuts the door behind her and approaches her. 

“Why isn’t this your room?” Tobin inquires. “That view!” 

“I wanted you to have it.” She replies, turning and leading her to another door. “Check this out.” 

Tobin steps into a walk-in closet, shelves and rods for clothes line both sides and hall continues to a bathroom. 

“Mom,” Tobin says, entering the bathroom, “this is too much,” she protests. “Jeff should have this.” 

Her Mom shakes her head, “He didn’t want it. Slept in here for a couple of days and said the ocean was too loud.” 

“I don’t believe it.” Tobin laughs softly, shaking her head, thinking her brother was crazy not to take this amazing room. 

 

After dinner, the two walk to the beach, spreading out a blanket and sitting in the sand. Dusk is approaching and they enjoy a comfortable silence as they watch the waves roll in. 

“Are you still having nightmares?” Her Mom asks, her focus on the water. 

Tobin turns her head sharply at her, eyes wide. 

Her Mom notices and turns to look at her. “I spoke to Rita every day while you were there, sweetie,” she explains, “I needed to know how you were doing.” 

Tobin nods, biting her lower lip, she wonders how much Mrs. Cheney shared with her. Did she tell her everything? All of the conversations they had? All of the times Tobin had lost it, how upset Tobin had been with everything that had happened. The panic attacks. The days she just couldn't even leave her room. 

“She didn’t betray your trust.” Her Mom says, Tobin seeing a tear slide down her Mom’s cheek, “she never spoke of specifics, if that’s what you’re wondering.” 

“Ma,” Tobin says, her voice faltering. She doesn’t know what to say. 

“I placed my trust in her, too, you know,” Her Mom continues, her voice trembling as she draws her knees up and rests her elbows on them, “I needed her to be there for my baby, when she needed me the most and I wasn’t there.” She cries, burying her face in her hands, sobbing. 

“Ma,” Tobin says, still at a loss for words, scooting over and placing her arms around her, pulling her against her, “Ma, I know,” she says, “it was okay, I knew you had a lot going on, I didn’t want to worry you.” She tries to comfort her. 

“I’m so sorry!” Her Mom wails, “I should have known sooner, I should have asked you if you were okay, I should have left him and taken you all away sooner!” 

Panicking, Tobin kneels and stations herself in front of her Mom, who still has her face buried in her hands. 

Tobin grips her wrists, gently pulling her hands away from her face. “Ma,” she says, encouraging her to look up at her, “Ma,” she repeats as her Mom slowly lifts her head to look at her, Tobin sliding her hands into hers to hold them, “it’s been hard,” she admits, “but I didn’t want you to worry being so far away.” 

“Tobin” her Mom starts but Tobin is violently shaking her head at her. 

“It’s not all on you,” she says, settling the backs of her legs on her calves, getting on eye level with her Mom in the dusk, “Not you. I know you did everything you could. I do. I’m trying to let go of it all, just get past it, and some of it I have.” She says, bobbing her head a little as she speaks, “But some, I’m struggling with. Doc has been great,” she shares, “we’ve had some really awesome conversations and she’s helped me so much already.” 

“Ma, I don’t want you to feel guilty or to feel responsible for what’s happened,” Tobin pleads, “I just want us all to get over it.” 

Her Mom won’t look at her, but she slowly nods her head. 

“Please,” Tobin urges, “please, Ma, don’t blame yourself.” 

 

An hour later the two are still at the beach, now lying back on the blanket, watching as the stars grow brighter in the sky. The comfortable silence has come back, the prior tears shed wiped away. 

“I don’t have them every night now,” Tobin says quietly, not wanting to break the silence loudly, “the nightmares.” 

“I’m seeing a counselor too, you know,” Her Mom admits. 

“How’s that going?” Tobin asks, feeling brave. 

“Okay,” her Mom sighs, “trying to come to terms with my marriage being over and realizing my husband was abusing one of my kids under our roof and not even knowing it for a long time.” 

Tobin snakes her arm across the blanket, her hand finding her Mom’s and linking their fingers together, “My counselor tells me that it’s a marathon, not a sprint to work through heavy stuff like that.” 

“Are you still taking sleeping pills at night?” her Mom asks in way of a reply. 

“Not every night,” Tobin admits, “just sometimes when I have a bad day.” She hears her Mom sigh. 

“I don’t think I’ll need any this week, Ma,” Tobin adds as she squeezes their fingers together. 

 

August 10, 2006 

 

Tobin watches from the window of her dorm room as her Mom, sisters and brother walk across the parking to the rental car. They all converged to help her move in, Katie running to Target to get some incidentals, Perry organizing her closet. Jeffrey set up her new TV and Playstation and her Mom made sure everything went smoothly. 

They said their goodbyes after coming back from lunch, gathering in her room making plans for seeing each other again soon. Tobin wipes at her face, rubbing away the tears and sniffing as she sees them drive off. 

She’s on her own, with a few hours before a team dinner and meeting. She turns from the window, surveying her room. She takes a breath and a thin smile crosses her face. She can do this. She can. 

A knock from her open door draws her attention away from the window. 

“Tobin?” a woman asks, looking intently at her. 

“Yeah?” Tobin says, taking a couple of steps towards, looking expectantly. She sees a smile appear on the woman’s face. 

“I’m Dr. Robbins.” She replies. 

“Oh!” Tobin grins, “Doc!” she exclaims, embracing her, “It’s really nice to meet you finally.” 

They each take a step back, looking each other over, grins on their faces. Dr. Robbins is tall, almost six foot, with long dark hair, glasses and a thin build. She’s wearing dress slacks, a simple flowy blouse and sandals. 

“Are you all unpacked?” she inquires, eying the impeccably neat half side of the room. 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods, glancing around, “I think I’m set. Tomorrow I’m supposed to get my schedule and books.” 

“Want to take a walk?” Doc tilts her head, “check out campus?” 

“Sure,” Tobin agrees, moving to get her keys from her desk, stuffing the lanyard and her wallet in her pocket. 

It’s a warm day, a light steady breeze moving the air to keep it from being oppressively hot as the two stroll through campus, Doc pointing out buildings and showing her neat little areas to hang out. 

They had stopped at a coffee shop, now walking with their drinks as they talked. Doc guides her to a bench that’s shaded by a large tree and they sit. 

“So, this week might be a little tough,” Doc says mildly, “how are feeling about meeting your new teammates?” 

Tobin shrugs, “I’ve been on so many teams, I kind of know the drill, like, I know my place as a freshman, a rookie. I’ll just take it as it comes, I guess.” She replies. She sees Doc nodding. 

“I mean, I’ll know some people, so that’s awesome, and the others, well, I’ll just get to know them as they get to know me.” Tobin states. 

“Have you heard from your Father since we last spoke?” Doc asks, they spoke right before Tobin left the Cheney’s house but took a break while Tobin was seeing her Mom. 

Tobin shakes her head, “I don’t know if I ever will,” she says slowly, “but, there’s always a chance. I know I’m not ready to talk to him right now,” she shrugs, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” 

“That’s very normal, Tobin,” Doc shares, leaning back on the bench, “to feel that way. Let’s just take it slow, get you feeling more balanced and we’ll chip away at everything else.   
We don’t have to tackle all the big things right now.” 

Tobin nods, giving her a quick glance, “Yeah,” she says, “I’d like to get settled here, meet the team and start practicing, like, get a routine first.” 

“Exactly,” Doc agrees, “routines are good.” She smiles and looks at her watch, “We should head back, it’s almost time for your meeting.” 

 

 

“Dude! How’s it going?” Ashlyn shouts as soon as she sees Tobin approaching the Athletics Building. 

“Hey, man,” Tobin grins, feeling herself being hugged and lifted and spun around by the goal keeper. 

Ash sets her down, “You’re looking good,” she smiles as she gives Tobin a once over, “how are you?” 

“I’m doing good,” Tobin shares, “being here feels good.” 

Ashlyn wraps an arm around Tobin’s shoulders, pulling her close as they walk into the building, “It sure does,” she agrees, “this is our time, now, Tobs.” 

 

Tobin finally meets her roommate, Casey Nogueira. Her father was a renown early MLS and indoor player and she had moved often in her childhood as he switched teams across the U.S. as his career ended. 

Tobin had heard of him, following some indoor soccer with her Father and remembered his brilliant footwork. Her and Casey talked for a couple of hours before heading to bed about tricks and how they liked to make defenders look silly. 

As Tobin settles in her bed for the first night, she smiles. Casey is cool, they’ve played together on some youth National teams before. They were never super close but were always friendly and would hang out at times. Neither had stayed in touch, so both were surprised when they got their rooming assignments and started talking over the summer. 

Casey had been telling Tobin how proud her Father was when she signed to come to UNC and as Tobin closed her eyes, her mind wandered. 

 

_May 2006_

_Tobin strides into the room, praying she isn’t stress sweating through her light blue button down shirt as she is introduced and sits at the table. Her parents stand to left behind her, her coach and the principal of her high school behind her right side._

_She smiles nervously as the photographers begin snapping their cameras, hearing the shutters flutter and click in the room. She sees Perry, Katie and Jeffrey to the side of the room, towards the front, Katie videotaping the event._

_“Tobin!” a reporter asks, “What happened to your shoulder and hands?”_

_Tobin nods and licks her lips, “Uh, Tug of War at camp got super intense,” she explains, hoping that is a satisfying answer._

_Apparently, it is to the group because they all begin asking her where she is planning on playing soccer._

_There is a line of hats in front of her on the table. Tobin glances down and scans the backs of all of them, smiling when she sees the UNC one._

_She takes a deep breath as her coach slides the paper in front of her and hands her a pen._

_“Um,” She begins, taking another breath, feeling her Father’s presence behind her. “I am going to be a student athlete, get an education and play for, for…” she eyes the hats again, looking back up to see Perry nodding encouraging at her, then she lifts the UNC one and places it on her head, unable to contain the grin on her face, “the University of North Carolina.”_

_Cheers go up as she scribbles her name on the paper, looking up at her coach first who gently places a hand on her shoulder and then looking at her parents. Her Mother is smiling widely, tears shimmering in her eyes, her Father’s face stoic, a grim smile on his face, his jaw clenching, eyes boring into her._

_She looks back to face the cameras, feeling her Mom’s hand on her, squeezing her shoulder and smiles._

_She’s accepting left handed handshakes and gentle hugs from the group of coaches and some of her teammates that have surrounded her when she is held tight by Amber._

_“I’m so proud of you.” She whispers softly in her ear, “You are an amazing person.”_

_Tobin looks at her, leaning her head back, “You’ve been the best friend I could ever have.”_

_Amber grins, “I’ll see you later.”_

_Tobin smiles, “Sure thing,” she hugs her again before she slips away._

_The room slowly clears out, her Mom, Jeffrey and sisters near the door just leaving Tobin with her coaches. Her Father strode out of the room and into the hallway after she had announced her decision._

_Tobin gets choked up looking at him. “Coach,” she begins, but her throat closes as the waves of emotions sweep over her._

_He hugs her gently, “I know, kiddo,” he says softly, “I did everything I could, I’m sorry for letting you down.”_

_Tobin looks at him, mystified. “You’ve been the best coach I’ve ever had,” she says, “what do you mean?”_

_He shakes his sadly at her, “One day, after you come back with your Olympic medal, I’ll buy you a beer and we’ll talk.”_

_“Coach?” she questions, not understanding._

_He smiles at her, “Go.” He says, his voice trembling, “go and continue making me proud and be the best you can. Spread your wings and fly, kiddo.”_

_“Aw, Coach,” Tobin cries, leaning into him, feeling his arms wrap around her again._

_“I am so proud of you.” He whispers as he pulls back, wiping his eyes. “Don’t be a stranger.”_

_Tobin nods and turns to see her club coach standing there, tears running down her face. They hug._

_“I’ll be there when they name a field after you at the complex.” She promises Tobin._

_“Coach,” Tobin protests, this is too much._

_Her coach holds her at arm’s length, looking at her adoringly, “College Champ, Olympic Gold Medalist, World Cup Winner. That’s your future. I know it. I believe in you. We all do.”  
Everything is blurry through Tobin’s tears. “Coach, I” _

_“Go.” She says, smiling. “Your future is waiting.”_

_Tobin’s sniffling when her Mom puts her arm around her, mindful of her sling. They wait at the doors of the school, a security guard stopping them from leaving. Tobin sees a man in a suit walking away from her Father in the parking lot, nodding to the other security officers as he leaves._

_She watches as her Father opens an envelope, reading it, gripping the papers tightly, his face morphing from interest into rage. He looks up at the building, taking a step towards it, seeing the security guards shake their heads._

_She sees him mutter something at them, flinging the door open to his vehicle open, sliding in and starting the engine._

_See watches as he drives recklessly drives out of the parking lot._

_“If you’ll please follow me,” The security guard speaks, gesturing to the hallway to their right. They slowly walk behind him, the only one moving with confidence is her Mom. She’s striding along, holding Tobin still, rubbing the top of her arm with her hand as they walk. They go down the hallway towards the gym on the backside of the school, he opens the door and maroon passenger with darkened windows sits there, idling._

_Amber’s Dad is at the wheel, Mr. Mason, Shannon’s Dad from her club team peeking his head forward. Her Mom walks up and opens the doors, gesturing for them to get in._

_Once in her seat and buckled up, Tobin watches as they pull away from her school, heading down Lake Road to catch the expressway and go south towards Bridgewater. She chats with Katie, who is telling her about how awesome college is and how she got a summer job on campus. They exit the highway and travel down the main strip, pulling into the parking lot of a stylish looking restaurant._

_They all get out and head in. Mr. Mason requests a table for two and he and Amber’s Dad wander off following the hostess._

_“Ma?” Tobin questions as they wait for the woman to return to the check in desk._

_“It’s fine,” she replies, once again putting an arm around her, “they’ll be taking us back to the hotel.”_

_Tobin glances around, suddenly feeling uneasy, “Do you think Dad is…” she trails off._

_“I’m just being cautious, sweetie. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” Her Mom reassures her._

_Tobin nods but still feels unsettled._

_They’re all seated, menus in hand perusing the choices. Tobin pulls her phone from her pocket._

_She texts Alex: Hey, would I like salmon with an Asian ginger glaze?_

_She sets her phone down as she gets elbowed by Perry. “Hey, what are you having? Chicken?”_

_Tobin shrugs, “Not sure yet,” she replies. Her phone vibrates._

_Alex #13: Yes, you’ve had it before. Signing day lunch?_

_Tobin: Thanks- yes. I think my fam will freak when I order it._

_Alex #13: Probably. Stop texting me you Tar Heel and enjoy them. We’ll talk later!_

_Tobin puts her phone back in her pocket, focusing her attention on Jeffrey who is speaking excitedly about the golf course near the new Florida house. He tells them how awesome the place is, how near the ocean they are and how cool the neighbors are._

_They laugh when their Mom tells them about encountering lizards and other strange animals at the house and near the beach. Tobin smiles, watching as her Mom continues to speak animatedly about the house in Florida. It’s only an hour away from her Mom and Tobin thinks that was one of her motivations to relocate there._

_As they file out of the restaurant, Tobin hugs her Mom, “Thank you,” she says, “I know you’ve done so much of us, for me,”_

_“Oh, sweetie,” her Mom replies, tightening her hug a little, “I love you.”_

_They walk side by side, her Mom glancing at her, “What’s wrong, honey?”_

_A sad smile crosses Tobin’s face, “I just wish Aunt Lori was here,” she says, “she’d be so excited about me going to UNC.”_

_Tears threaten her Mom’s eyes as she pulls Tobin in with one arm, “She is, sweetie,” she says, placing a kiss against Tobin’s temple, “she knows.”_

_Tobin’s Aunt Lori was her Mom’s much younger sister. She would come to almost all of Tobin’s matches, Always excited to see her play, bringing snacks she would sneak to Tobin, offering to drive her home and stopping for ice cream along the way. She passed in 2005 in a car accident and Tobin still felt the sting of her loss._

_Back in the van, heading to the hotel they are all staying at, Katie nudges Tobin. “You ready to graduate?”_

_“Yeah,” she replies softly, “this year was so weird, though, not being there so much.” She’s referring to traveling so much with the U-20 National Team, off to Brazil for the World Cup and other tournaments and camps._

_Tobin winces as the dull ache in her shoulder builds to a level of being uncomfortable._

_“Are you alright?” Katie questions, concern on her face._

_Tobin shifts to try and get comfortable, “Yeah, I just need to take a pain pill, I haven’t taken one since last night and my shoulder is pretty sore.”_

_Katie just looks at her, her eyes watering as her expression shifts into sadness. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her breath hitching, her guilt threatening to spill over._

_“It’s okay,” Tobin dismisses, giving her a sad smile, “I’m okay.”_

_Katie looks at her like she wants to say more, but Tobin shifts in her seat, leaning her left side against the window and closes her eyes. She’s tired, it’s been an emotional day and she’s feeling wiped out. Her shoulder is a constant ache now, her ribs are still tender._

_She hears Katie sigh, feeling her hand giving her knee a squeeze as she drifts off._

_April 2003_

_The rain is coming down sideways, Tobin can barely see as she squints, trying to keep it from getting in her eyes. She’s doing 20 yard sprints while balancing a short weight bar on her shoulders, arms up at her sides, gripping it as she runs._

_“Straight out, now!” Her Father commands as she crosses over the line. He’s under an umbrella, decked out in rain gear. Tobin, on the other hand, is only in shorts and a t-shirt, both clinging to her body._

_“Yes, sir!” she shouts back to be heard over the wind._

_Panting, she lifts the bar from her shoulders, holding it out straight in front of her as she begins her next run. Her feet feel so heavy, mud caked into the bottoms, the traction they should give her long gone._

_They’re at a nearby park, the field is a complete mess, muddy and beginning to flood. She stomps through the water as she nears the end line, collapsing as she crosses it, pushing the bar from her and sprawling through the water and mud._

_She was finishing up her homework after dinner in the dining room, sitting next to Jeffrey, Katie across from them. Perry was off at her part time job. The rain was coming down in sheets and had been most of the day. The remnants of a tropical storm that had come inland._

_It was a Friday and Tobin was happy not to have much homework this week and could work on her other projects she needed to complete before she left for another National Team camp. She only had a workout tomorrow with her club team in the morning and could devote her time to her schoolwork._

_They all hear the footsteps approaching the room and feel their Father’s presence in the doorway._

_“You need some extra training.” He says, Tobin looks up to see him leaning on the door jam, a drink in hand. She glances across the table, seeing the fear etched in Katie’s face. She thinks he means her, she briefly thinks as she closes her notebook and her chemistry book._

_Tobin figures he’ll take her to the nearby indoor facility to work on some shooting drills._

_“Bring your boots.” He orders and leaves the room. Dread overcomes her, now knowing she’ll most likely be outside in this weather. She looks up as she stands and sees the unmistakable look of relief on Katie’s face._

_“See ya later,” Tobin says, giving her a tight lipped smile, watching as tears well up in Katie’s eyes._

_She layers up, putting on her rain gear as the final layer before trotting back down the stairs and meeting her Father in the garage. He looks at her._

_“Shorts and t-shirt.” He orders as he opens his car door._

_“Yes, sir.” Tobin replies, opening the back door and sliding in. She kicks off her slides, removing her rain pants, then her leggings and putting on a pair of shorts from her bag. She takes off her jacket, her long sleeved Under Armor shirt and puts on a t-shirt._

_This is gonna suck, she thinks as she looks out on the rain as they drive._

_He had her go through a complete warm up while he watched from under his umbrella, then had her circle the field five times and then do some short sprint work. Then he had her run three 120s before calling her over._

_She was thankful he let her drink some water, telling her relax while he walked to the car and came back with the weight bar._

_So, now she done five 20 yard sprints with the bar on her shoulders, she done two sprints carrying it in her left hand, two with her right, and now who knows how many holding it out in front of her. She gets to her knees, crawling through the mud to retrieve the bar, her hands tender from the metal knurling, her calluses from lifting softened by the rain._

_She stands, gripping the bar tight and begins to run._

_“High knees!” her Father calls out when she crosses the line._

_“Yes, sir!” Tobin shouts, beginning to move. Her legs feel so heavy, high knees at the end of any workout is the worst. She thinks of Katie. I couldn’t imagine Katie doing this. She’d be so pissed about being so wet and muddy right now. She suppresses a smile, keeping her face a study of concentration as she completes her four runs with the bar._

_The already overcast sky was now darkening with the onset of an early dusk. Cracks of thunder were growing closer, lightning arcing from a distance. Moving closer._

_Panting, she sets the bar down, straightening up and putting her hands on her head to get some air and catch her breath._

_“Last set!” Her Father yells out. Tobin lifts the bar, turning to face the field._

_“Above you head!” He directs._

_“Yes, sir!” Tobin shouts back, lifting the 40 pound bar above her head and beginning to run._

_Lightning crackles close as Tobin hurriedly wipes the mud from her shins and now bare feet. She’s standing next to the car in a puddle, trying to clean up before getting in the car._

_Once in the vehicle, she strips down to her sports bra and Nike Pros, using her long sleeved shirt to dry off and not let the interior get too wet. She knows she’ll have to wipe it down when they get home._

_She’s chattering in the backseat, thankful it should be a short drive, her face showing no emotion when she sees her Father turn a corner that won’t take them back to the house directly._

_“Stay here,” He orders as he pulls into the parking lot of a liquor store._

_She continues to search through her bag, using anything dry to clean off, using her leggings to wrap around her head and squeeze the water from her hair. She gets everything back into her bag when he opens the door, setting a bag down in the passenger seat._

_“Clean it up. Front seat it as well. Put the bar back in the basement.” He orders once they are in the garage, throwing two towels at her. He takes his bag and enters the house._

_Still chilled, Tobin works quickly, wiping the back seat dry before moving to wipe down the front._

_She’s on her knees wiping down the weight bar when she hears the side door, Katie entering the garage._

_“Let me help you,” Katie urges quietly, kneeling next to her._

_Tobin flinches, “No,” she says hurriedly, “go back in.”_

_“Tobin,” Katie whines, trying to grab the towel._

_“Katie, no!” Tobin hisses at her, looking up into her eyes, “You’ll make it worse if he sees you.”_

_“But” Katie starts._

_“Just go!” Tobin urges, her voice low, “Believe me,” she pleads to her, “you don’t want his attention.” She pushes Katie up away from her._

_Katie stands up, looking forlorn._

_“Go!” Tobin says firmly, her voice low, waving an arm at her to leave the garage. Katie quietly exits._

_Tobin finishes drying the bar, lifting it and bringing it to the basement and setting it on the bar rack. Her Father is down there, watching TV, a drink in hand, ignoring her. She removes the weight plates, wiping those as well, making sure everything is dry and setting them on their rack in the proper spot._

_She hustles up the stairs and retrieves her gear bag, emptying it in the laundry room, rinsing her muddy boots and socks in the side sink. Only then does she head upstairs to take a shower. She glances at the clock, noting it’s almost now nine-thirty._

_She’s out of the shower and in her room, just putting on a shirt and sweatpants when she hears a soft knock. She frowns, thinking it’s Katie, but it’s her Mom looking at her worriedly._

_“Katie said she saw the weight bar.” Her Mom says softly, “Did you have to run with it again?”_

_Tobin nods. Her Mom bites her lower lip. “Would you like a cup of soup to warm up?”_

_“Oh, Mom, that would be great,” Tobin nods, giving her a grateful look._

_“I’ll be back in a minute.”_

_Tobin begins to do some leg and shoulder stretches, knowing she’ll be sore tomorrow._

_Her Mom returns with a mug in hand, steam rising from it. “It’s hot,” she cautions as she hands it to her._

_Tobin sets it on her desk. “Thank you,” she says quietly. Exhaustion is creeping up on her quickly._

_“Take your shirt off,” Her Mom instructs, “I’ve brought you some BioFreeze to help.”_

_“Oh, Mom, thank you so much,” Tobin mumbles, slowly taking off her shirt._

_“Sit and drink your soup.” Her Mom commands, pulling out Tobin’s desk chair._

_Tobin sips on her soup, trying not to moan as her Mom massages the cream into her sore shoulders._

_“Thanks, Mom,” she says quietly as she puts her shirt back on._

_Her Mom lays her hands on Tobin’s shoulders from behind. “I’m trying, sweetheart,” she whispers, “I’m working on a plan.”_

 

 

August 11, 2006 

Tobin wakes in the dark, hearing Casey lightly snoring. She sits up for a moment, the memory still fresh. Did Mom really have a plan that long ago, she wonders. She lays back in the dark, taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out. 

I wonder what Mom was doing, she thinks as she closes her eyes. But, why did Dad do it, she can’t help but wonder. Why was he so hard on her. What is he doing now. She shifts her position and rolls on her side, getting more comfortable. She tries to shake the thoughts from her mind and concentrate on the beach. She starts thinking about being on a beach, the noise of the waves, calming her, letting her fall back asleep. 

Just before she drifts off, that persistent question of why lingers with her. 

 

 

_July 2006_

_The loud boom from the fireworks makes Tobin flinch. She’s on a blanket in a park with Cheney and some of her teammates from her club team. Tobin’s gotten to know some of them, they’ve been cool and invited her out, accepting her easily when she joined them in training. She couldn’t officially play in any matches, much to the coach’s dismay, but she trained hard with them, earning their respect for her abilities._

_They would joke about getting her autograph now before her and Lauren were superstars on the National Team playing in the Olympics. They made her laugh and for the hours she was with them each, it made her feel normal and Tobin was grateful for it._

_Lying back on the blanket, watching the colors burst in the sky, her thoughts wander._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

August 19, 2006 

 

“So, it’s been going good?” Tobin asks earnestly, even though she is on the edge of sleep, “You like your teammates?” 

“Oh yeah,” Cheney answers, “everyone’s cool. You know a bunch of them, so it’s been fine.” 

“That’s cool, I’m glad.” Tobin sleepily replies, “my teammates are cool. Casey’s here, and Yael, too.” 

“Good.” Lauren replies. “You’ve been feeling okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin answers with a yawn, “I’ve been seeing my counselor, things are going alright.” 

“Listen, I’ll let you go so you can go to sleep,” Lauren states, “we’ll talk again soon.” 

“Sorry, these two a days are kicking my butt.” Tobin apologizes. 

“I know,” Lauren groans, “my second half starts in a bit.” 

“Have a good one, dude,” Tobin says, “We’ll talk soon.” 

“Good night, Tobs,” Lauren signs off. 

 

Casey comes in as Tobin switches off her light, “Sorry,” she says. 

“It’s fine,” Tobin says, “I’ll be dead in a minute, do whatever you need.” She rolls over and sleep comes fast. 

 

 

August 22, 2006 

 

 

“I just- why?” Tobin vents, “Why did he do it? Why would he do those things to me and not Jeffrey or Katie or Perry?” She’s shuddering with emotions. She’s sweating, her leg is bouncing and her fingers are moving rapidly against her thumb. She swallows. 

“I can’t answer that, Tobin,” Doc says quietly, “and you might never know why.” 

“It’s just,” she stumbles over her words, “I was just a little kid,” she chokes out as she cries. 

“Tobin,” Doc tries to reassure her, but watches as Tobin jerks her head up, eying the clock and scrambling out of her chair. 

“I’m gonna be late for practice!” Tobin exclaims, grabbing her backpack from the floor next to her. 

“Tobin, wait!” Doc stands, not wanting her to leave while she’s so upset. 

“I’ll see you next week!” Tobin states as she opens the door and runs down the hallway of the Athletic Building. 

She runs to the field, pulling her boots out and shin guards as she sits on the bench and quickly laces them up. She joins the team as they are warming up, feeling eyes on her. 

She sees Jess, the team captain, narrowing her eyes on her and she lowers her head. She knows they’ll be running due to her being late. It makes her feel nauseous. She’s already been close to being late twice, but just got there in time, enduring a few harsh comments from Jess, but the team not suffering any consequences. 

The team is leaving tomorrow afternoon for College Station, Texas for their first preseason match. This practice is short, moving through set pieces and finishing with a scrimmage. Tobin only speaks when necessary, concentrating to keep her focus, but she feels like nothing she can do is correct. Anson gives them a quick talk, reminds of the time to be ready for the bus to the airport and leaves. 

“Before we cool down,” Jess announces, “we’ll be running because one of our teammates couldn’t make it here in time. Line up, ladies.” 

Tobin moves to join them, but Jess stops her. “No, you stand on the 20, and keep moving back to the 100.” 

Tobin nods, biting her lip, her fingers working her thumb, feeling the bile rise. She works to control her breathing. 

She stands at the 20, watching as Jess speaks to the group lined up. They charge towards her, touching the line, “Thanks, Tobin!” they shout as they retreat back. Tobin trots back to the 40 and continues until they finish. Each time the team meets her at the line, they shout their thanks. 

By the time they finish, Tobin is struggling as she tries to hold back the tears. 

She silently completes the cool down and once Jess announces they are done, she bolts for the locker room. She’s out of the shower before most of the team enters the room, grabbing her backpack and running out. 

She hears HAO and Ashlyn call to her, but she just runs. 

She throws her backpack down, grabs her longboard and is off, running out of the dorm, praying she doesn’t see anyone. She’s on the sidewalk, heading away from campus, needing to be alone with her thoughts. 

Through blurry eyes she skates the streets and soon it becomes very clear she has no idea where she is. She thinks she’s on Franklin Street, passing bar after bar. It’s getting dark now. Getting tired, she starts walking, realizing somewhere along the way, she’s lost her flip flops. She finds a step of a closed store and sits down, looking at the ground. 

She doesn’t know how long she sits, just that it’s now dark, she’s only wearing shorts and a t-shirt and the night is growing cool. She’s near the bars, hearing live music pouring out of the one closest to her, but she can’t enjoy it. She leans forward, ignoring the catcalls from various groups that walk by, holding her head in her hands. 

She’s wondering how to get back to campus, she left her phone, only taking her keys. She doesn’t know what time it is and it’s dark out and she is too afraid to look up and ask anyone for help. 

She hears a group approaching, tensing up again as she hears them laughing and teasing each other, talking about what they’ll be drinking tonight. 

“Heath?” a voice questions, making Tobin want to disappear. 

“Heath, is that you?” the voice repeats, getting closer. 

Tobin reluctantly rises her head, her eyes growing wide in fear as she realizes it’s her Captain, Jess, standing before her with a group of girls she doesn’t recognize. 

“Dude!” one of the girls laughs, “She’s scared shitless of you!” 

Jess ignores her and takes a step closer, “Hey, Tobin, what are you doing here?” she asks softly. 

Tobin just shrugs, eyes downcast. 

“You should be back on campus,” Jess says, rubbing her jaw with her hand with her knuckles. 

Tobin is frozen, she doesn’t know what to do. 

“Heath, I’m talking to you.” Jess says sternly. 

Tobin scrambles up, “Y-Y-Yes, ma’am.” 

“You don’t belong here, you should go back to campus.” Jess repeats herself. 

“Yes, ma’am.” She replies. 

“Bet she doesn’t know where campus is,” one of the groups cackles, others dissolving in laughter. 

“Look at me.” Jess orders. 

Tobin looks up at her. She can’t stop the way her fingers are rubbing against her thumb. Jess is looking at her shrewdly. Tobin just wants to disappear right now. She nervously looks for escape routes, eyes darting to the her left and right. 

Jess digs into her pocket, turning to the girl next to her, “Get a cab tonight.” She says, handing her some money.

“Aw, no!” they protest, “You said you were coming out with out us.” 

“You were the DD!” 

“Just fucking go!” Jess orders, pushing one of them lightly. 

They shuffle off, giving her strange looks and making comments about Jess and the freak, Tobin’s eyes exploring her bare feet again as she bites her lower lip. 

“Don’t listen to them,” Jess says dismissively, taking a step closer to her, “they’re drunk already.” 

“Ju-just, p-p-point me the way b-b-back to campus and I’ll g-g-go.” Tobin stutters, still not making eye contact. 

“Nah, you’ll get lost.” Jess replies easily, her voice softer. “Come on,” she says, taking a step back. She’s trying to be very non-threatening right now, it’s obvious to her that something is seriously wrong with Tobin and she doesn’t want to upset her further. She just wants to help her. She recognizes the panic and helplessness in Tobin’s eyes, she sees the fear. 

“Grab your board.” She points and Tobin dutifully picks it up, carrying it with her right hand. 

“Where are your shoes?” 

“I don’t know,” Tobin whispers. 

She leads Tobin to an older Jeep Cherokee, gesturing for her to get in. Tobin slips in, sitting rigidly as she buckles her seatbelt, her longboard leaning against her leg, her other leg bouncing as her heel repeatedly hits the floorboard. Her fingers are still rapidly rubbing her thumb. 

“Do you have your phone with you?” Jess asks, breaking the silence. 

“No, ma’am.” Tobin replies, shaking her head. 

Jess takes hers out, “Who’s your roommate?” 

“Casey,” Tobin answers. 

“You hang with Ashlyn too, right?” 

“Yes.” Tobin affirms. 

Jess opens her messenger app. 

_Harris#18; Noguiera#23: Tobin is with me. She’s fine. Spending the night and will be back at her dorm by 10 tomorrow morning._

Almost instantly there’s a reply. 

_Harris#18: If you fuck her up more, I’ll kill you._

Jess smirks, reading Ashlyn’s response. That freshman has some balls, she’ll give her that. 

_Captain Jess: Easy tiger, I’m not a monster._

_Noguiera#23: Thanks Cap_

_Harris#18: She’s been through a lot. I’m begging you, be cool._

_Captain Jess: She’s obviously upset and I’m just trying to calm her down and make her feel better. I promise._

 

Jess sighs and tosses her phone in the center console, turning the ignition and letting the SUV idle. She twists her torso to face Tobin. “So, what’s going on?” 

Tobin shrugs. 

“Tobin,” she says softly, “come on, something is most definitely not right with you. You can talk to me.” 

There’s something in Jess’ voice that reminds her of Allie, something fundamentally trustworthy. Jess has intimidated Tobin since they met a few weeks ago, being team Captain, a senior, she walks with a swagger, but is always fair. They’ve done quite a bit of team building activities and Tobin likes Jess, but she feels tongue tied around her. Tobin was just shy around her, only speaking when spoken to. Plus, she’s gorgeous, it makes Tobin nervous. 

Tobin looks at her, then back down. 

“My, um, meeting ran kind of late and that’s why I was late today.” Tobin says softly, not sure how much to share. Her hands are shaking. 

“Okay,” Jess encourages, slipping the SUV into gear and pulling out of the parking spot, “Go on.” 

“The meeting was…difficult and I was upset.” Tobin shares. 

“Uh huh,” Jess nods as she drives. 

“Um, then I had trouble concentrating during practice…” Tobin trails off. 

“And then I was an asshole and made everyone run and thank you,” Jess finishes, shaking her head, “fuck.” 

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine, I was late,” Tobin says quickly, “I deserved it.” She adds earnestly. 

Jess eyes her as they wait for the traffic light to turn green, “Shit, kid.” She says, pressing the accelerator, driving through town. 

“Was your meeting with Doc?” Jess questions as she pulls into a driveway of a house. She shuts the vehicle off. 

Tobin pauses and then nods, “Yeah,” she says quietly. 

“Come on,” Jess says, sliding out and leading up to the porch. She keys the door and enters, gesturing for Tobin to follow. 

Tobi stands stiffly, hugging her longboard, glancing around the living room. It’s kind of a mess with DVD cases laying around, magazines and empty cups. 

“We’re kind of pigs here,” Jess explains, shrugging, “two a days will do that.” She points to the kitchen. “Have a seat at the counter,” she suggests, walking around to the other side of it. 

Tobin sits, awkwardly. Jess comes back around and takes her board, setting against the wall in the entrance hallway. Then she approaches the fridge. 

“Have you eaten dinner?” she inquires, looking at her. 

“I’m good,” Tobin replies nervously. 

Jess rolls her eyes at her and opens the fridge, handing her a Gatorade. 

“Thanks,” Tobin mumbles, unscrewing the cap and taking a sip. She realizes how thirsty she is and ends up downing half of it before Jess turns from the fridge suspiciously inspecting a plastic container. She tosses it in the trash. 

“Grilled cheese?” she asks. 

“No, it’s fine, really,” Tobin insists. 

Jess turns away, muttering under her breath, taking out a fry pan and finding the bread and opening a slice of cheese. She finds some butter and soon has it cooking on the stove. 

She points to a bowl of fruit, “Have at it.” 

Tobin hesitates. 

“Listen,” Jess says, leaning against the counter, “I want you to eat something, I want you to drink and I want you to relax.” 

Tobin freezes. 

“You’re not in trouble, okay?” Jess nods, “Just, chill, and take it easy. We’re teammates, I have your back.” She turns her attention to the grilled cheese, flipping it over on the pan.   
Tobin takes a banana and opens it, taking a bite. 

“You know,” Jess says, as she turns her back and reaches into a cabinet to grab a paper plate, “I see Doc.” 

Tobin’s eyebrows shoot up, surprised. 

Jess turns back to her, seeing her reaction and smiles. “A lot of the team does, Tobin, it’s not unusual.” 

“Oh,” Tobin squeaks out, unsure about this new information. 

Jess plates the sandwich, turns off the burner and hands the plate to Tobin. “Eat.” She commands, turning again and going back to the fridge, pulling out a beer and opening it. 

“Thank you,” Tobin says politely as she lifts it to her mouth. She didn’t realize how hungry she was. 

“We’re at a Division 1 school playing soccer for a premiere program. The expectations on us is high and the stress of being a college student, an athlete and our privates lives can be a bit to juggle.” Jess states, her voice pleasant and calm, pausing and taking a swig of her beer, “And if you have some baggage, even more so.” 

Tobin nods as she chews. 

“A lot of us lean on each other, you know?” Jess says, lifting Tobin’s plate and tossing it in the trash can as Tobin takes her last bite. “This team is safe.” 

Jess turns to the fridge and brings Tobin another Gatorade, noticing she was almost done with her first one. 

“Come on,” Jess says, leading her into the living room, “let’s sit.” 

Tobin takes her drink and obediently slides out of the chair, following Jess as she sits cross legged on the couch. She sits on the corner on the far cushion, suddenly nervous again. 

Her leg bounces and her fingers begin working on her thumb. 

“You left practice pretty fast,” Jess comments. 

“Uh,” Tobin says, fidgeting in her seat, glancing around at her messy surroundings, “I just had to get out of there,” 

“Where did you go?” 

Tobin shrugs, “Back to my dorm, dumped my stuff and grabbed my board.” 

Jess nods, looking around her apartment. “What’s making you so nervous right now?” 

Tobin bites her lower lip, glancing around, “It’s so messy!” she exclaims, then looking at Jess, a horrified expression on her face, “I’m so sorry!” 

Jess laughs, “It’s fine,” she shakes her head, “I know it is, it’s usually better, but right now,” she shrugs, “not so much. Most of my roommates play field hockey, so we’re hardly ever here right now.” 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t” 

“Stop.” Jess says mildly, noticing how Tobin freezes up. 

They sit quietly for a moment. 

“Tobin,” Jess says quietly, “would it make you feel better if we picked up a bit?” 

Tobin flashes her a fearful look before looking back down at her lap, her eyes watching her fingers moves against her thumb. She nods slowly. 

“Come on,” she encourages, “you do the movies and magazines, I’ll get the dishes.” 

“Really?” Tobin asks, unsure she means it. 

Jess grins, “Yes.” She chuckles, “Get to it.” 

Tobin slides off the couch onto her knees, grabbing at the magazines thrown haphazardly on the coffee table and stacking them quickly. 

Jess picks up cups and dishes and bowls, bringing them to the kitchen and placing them in the dishwasher. She bends to get the detergent out from the cabinet under the sink. She looks at the clock and sees it’s only ten so she grabs her phone and texts Doc, letting her know Tobin is with her and is okay. She knows Doc would never let a student leave upset and figured Tobin probably rushed out of there, afraid to be late. Jess remembers the times she had done that herself. Doc replies immediately with a thanks, asking if she needs her to come by and talk with her. Jess answers back that she thinks they’re good and will call her if anything changes. 

Tobin finishes stacking the magazines, moving onto the incredibly messy piles of DVD cases and a staggering amount of loose DVDs laying about. She makes a stack of the cases and another one of the DVDs on the coffee table, straightening up the shelves as she moves. 

Jess comes back into the living room and sits down on the couch, eying Tobin as she organizes the books on the shelf below the TV. She watches her for a moment, seeing how methodical Tobin is doing her task and then Jess begins to sort through the magazines, organizing them by titles, tossing old ones to the side to throw away. 

“So, how long has this bothered you?” Jess asks carefully as she works. 

She sees Tobin shrug, her back to her still, “My parents are pretty strict.” She says, “More my Dad.” 

“He really kept you in check, huh?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies softly. 

Jess doesn’t want to push, it’s not her place, but she wants Tobin to feel safe and comfortable. She wants her to know she can talk to her. She chooses her words carefully. 

“My parents went through a messy divorce when I was fifteen after my sister died. It really fucked me up for a long time. That’s one of the reasons why I talk to Doc.” Jess says quietly. 

She sees Tobin turn to look at her, studying her, again, her face a mixture of sorrow and intensity as if evaluating how much she can trust her. She turns back and sighs as she finishes with the book shelf. Then she slowly turns around and crawls on her knees to the coffee table. She takes the loose DVDs in hand, carefully spreading them out across the surface. 

She begins to look through the DVD covers. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” she speaks, “that had to be horrible.” 

Jess nods, getting up to toss out the old magazines. When she comes back, she kneels next to Tobin, taking some of the cases to look through. 

“My sister was sick for a long time,” she explains, “I think they stayed together for as long as they could, for us, me and my other sister.” 

“My Mom is divorcing is my Dad,” Tobin shares. 

“Ah, that sucks,” Jess states, “is it going down now?” 

Tobin nods, sniffing her nose, “She served him papers on my signing day.” 

“Oh shit!” Jess lets out, “That’s awful.” She sees the lone tear drip from Tobin’s chin. 

“It’s my fault.” Tobin whispers. 

“Oh, no,” Jess says, scooting closer and putting an arm around her, “no, it isn’t.” 

“It is,” Tobin says through her tears, “she found out my Dad was…hard on me and is leaving him!” 

“No, no, no,” Jess says, pulling Tobin towards her, holding her. 

“What is wrong with me that he would have to do that?” Tobin cries. “I’m such a fuck up I broke apart my family!” 

Jess holds her, feeling Tobin go limp as she cries, her left hand clutching at Jess’ shirt. Jess’ mind reels at the implications of what Tobin had just shared with her. She brings her other arm around Tobin’s shoulders pulling her in tighter, holding her. 

“It’s not you, it’s him, Tobin,” she says into her ear, “it’s not you.” 

“It is!” Tobin argues, her voice thick, full of emotion, “He only had to hit me, no one else!” She sobs. 

Jess lets her cry, feeling there’s nothing could say right now to comfort her. She thinks she should just wait and let her calm down before trying to speak again. So, she holds her, rubbing her back, just letting her know she’s not alone right now. 

Tobin quiets down, sniffling as her breathing slows, suddenly realizing that she just freaked out in front of her captain. She stiffens and moves to pull back, but Jess won’t let her. 

“It’s okay,” Jess says softly, “I’ve got you,” She knows Tobin is probably feeling embarrassed by her outburst, she’s been through the same type of thing. Losing it in front of someone you don’t know very well. 

She feels Tobin eventually relax against her, sniffling as she calms. They sit quietly, until Jess slowly loosens her grip. Tobin pulls back as well wiping her eyes. 

“Okay?” Jess asks, eying her carefully. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she replies, her voice nasally from crying. She slowly continues matching the DVDs into their proper cases. 

It only takes a few minutes of them working together to get all of the DVDs back in their cases and placed on the shelf. 

They both get up, Jess points to her to sit on the couch and moves to the bathroom, wetting a washcloth and wringing it out and bringing it back to her. 

“Here,” she offers, Tobin looking up at her with red rimmed eyes, slowly taking the cloth from her and bringing it to her face. Jess grabs the Kleenex box from the side table and sits down next to her, setting it on Tobin’s leg. 

She hears Tobin sigh and looks over to see her frowning. 

“Hey,” she nudges her shoulder, “it’s cool, we’re good.” 

Tobin nods, sniffing again. “I didn’t mean for that to happen,” she says slowly. 

“Nobody does,” Jess says easily, “it kind of sneaks up on you and boom.” 

Tobin rolls her eyes, “Sure does.” 

“So, listen,” Jess says, lifting a knee onto the couch cushion, “here’s the deal.” She shifts so she’s facing Tobin a little and Tobin faces her a bit, looking at her. Jess realizes she’s still a bit nervous and embarrassed and she wants to set her at ease. 

“I’m sure Coach knows you’ve got these meetings, right?” Jess asks watching as Tobin nods. “Good.” She nods back. “So, next time, if your meeting runs over, I don’t want you to leave until you’re feeling good, alright? Let Doc do her thing so you’re feeling okay walking out of her door.” 

Tobin nods. 

“If you’re late, don’t worry about it. Nobody is going to run.” Jess continues emphatically. “Now that I know what’s going on, it’s cool.” 

“Okay,” Tobin breathes out as if she had been holding her breath, “thank you.” 

“Sure thing.” Jess elbows her side lightly. “I want you to know, you can come to me. If you need to talk or whatever. This team is a family, if one of us is hurting, we help them.” 

“Alright, yeah,” Tobin agrees. 

“I’m serious,” Jess says, “I don’t do this for just anyone, ya know,” she smirks at her. 

“You just want me to clean your place,” Tobin cracks a smile at her. 

Jess lets out a laugh, “Well, that won’t hurt either.” 

They sit quietly for a moment. 

“Feeling better?” Jess asks. 

Tobin nods, “Yes. Thank you,” she says, looking up at Jess, “I really appreciate you being so kind to me.” 

Jess shrugs and tilts her head, “It what family does.” 

She pats Tobin’s leg, “Ready to sleep?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “I’m kinda tired.” 

“Let’s go.” Jess says as she gets up from the couch. 

 

 

August 23, 2006 

 

 

“She was super cool, Al,” Tobin says into her phone, “like, I was totally freaked out and she was really nice and helped calm me down.” 

“Tobin, please promise me you won’t ever disappear like that again,” Alex urges, “Ashlyn was so upset, her and Kling were looking all over campus for you last night.” 

“I know,” Tobin replies, “I apologized to them both and Casey too, this morning. It was a shitty thing to do.” 

“Did you talk to Doc?” Alex asks, wondering if Tobin was atoning for her actions. 

“I stopped in and saw her right before we left campus.” Tobin answers, “We talked for a while and I have a new schedule for my appointments since practice will be changing with the season starting soon.” 

“That’s good.” Alex encourages. 

“We talked about what happened, and we’re going to work on things that trigger me,” Tobin offers, she wants Alex to know she’s working on this and taking it seriously, “stuff that makes me nervous or makes me feel unsafe and how it handle it.” 

“Oh,” is all Alex can say, she’s surprised Tobin is speaking so openly about this to her. 

“Lex,” Tobin says, her voice dropping an octave, “I just want you to know I’m putting in the work,” she says, looking around the airport terminal where her team is scattered waiting to board their flight. “ I know I’m going to screw up but I’m trying. I don’t want to be the victim, I want to be normal.” 

“Well,” Alex says slowly, “I’m not sure I know anyone who works harder when they have a goal in mind.” 

“Thanks,” Tobin says, blushing a little, “it looks like my flight is boarding, is your match tomorrow, too?” 

“Yeah,” Alex says, Tobin can hear the smile in her voice, “I’m gonna kick A-Rod’s butt.” 

“Well, good luck Superstar and tell her I said hi!” Tobin laughs, “Have a great match, Lex.” 

“You too, Tobs,” Alex says warmly, “I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Later,” Tobin says, disconnecting the call and ambling over to the gate. 

 

_May, 27, 2006_

_“Happy Birthday.” Alex says quietly, sliding a small, thin rectangular box wrapped in gold across the bed towards Tobin._

_“Lex!” Tobin protests, shifting her legs to sit cross legged on the bed, “You didn’t have to get me something!”_

_They were in Tobin’s room at the Cheney house and it was the night before Alex would be leaving to go home back to California. Lauren was out with friends and the two had spent their night watching a movie on Tobin’s new laptop in bed._

_Tobin was still taking her pain killers and the anti-inflammatory medication for her shoulder and still in the sling. Her ribs were feeling better and she was able to walk longer without pain from her bruised feet._

_Alex scoots closer to her, picking up the small box and handing it to her. “I wanted to.” She says, “Just open it.”_

_Tobin holds it with her right hand and carefully unwraps the paper with her left. A navy blue box is what she finds._

_“Open it!” Alex exclaims, rolling her eyes at her._

_Tobin opens the box and gasps at what she sees. A thin gold necklace with a simple small cross, just like she used to wear. Before they took it from her at the camp._

_“Lex!” Tobin breathes out quietly, tears coming to her eyes. “It’s beautiful!”_

_“May I?” Alex asks, grinning at her._

_“Absolutely!” Tobin nods quickly, turning so Alex can put it on her. Alex kneels in front of her, removing the necklace from the box and places it around her neck. She’s leaning close to Tobin, looking at her, smiling softly._

_“Thank you so much,” Tobin whispers to her, looking her in the eyes._

_“You’re welcome,” Alex whispers back, her gaze flicking on Tobin’s lips. She slowly leans forward and kisses Tobin softly._

_When she pulls back, she sees Tobin has still has her eyes closed, her lips still slightly parted. She opens her eyes to look at Alex, a slow grin appearing on her face. Alex grins back._

_“Can we do that again?” Tobin asks, raising her eyebrows slightly._

_Alex flashes her a smile, wiggling her eyebrows at her, “I thought you’d never ask.” She says and leans forward again, connecting their lips._

_After a few minutes, they break apart, both out of breath and grinning at each other._

_“Thank you for the necklace, Lex. I love it.” Tobin says softly, rubbing Alex’s shoulder._

_“I loved getting it for you.” Alex replies with a shy smile. “Just hold it when you need to think clearly and calm down, okay?”_

_Tobin nods. “I will.” She says, her voice just above a whisper, “Always.”_

_Again, they just look at each other, smiling until Alex lightly slaps Tobin’s leg. “We should get ready for bed, I have to be up early to go to the airport.”_

_Tobin frowns, “But I want to kiss you still,” she protests._

_Alex leaves the bed, turning to glance back at her, “Who says you still can’t? Go brush your teeth and take your meds.”_

_When Alex comes back in, she notices a pill on the nightstand. Tobin is walking back in from the bathroom down the hall._

_“What’s this?” she questions, pointing to the pill._

_“That’s my pain pill,” Tobin states._

_“And why didn’t you take it?” Alex asks sternly, her hand moving to her hip, eyes questioning._

_Tobin rubs the back of her neck, smiling shyly, “’Cause I want to make out with you and not fall asleep so soon,” she explains._

_Alex’s face softens, a small smirk teasing her lips, “Oh, well, in that case,” she says, moving to the bed and gracefully lying down, “why don’t you get over here, Heath.”_

_“As you wish,” Tobin grins as steps to the nightstand, clicks off the light and slides slowly onto the bed, Alex holding the comforter up for her._

 

August 23, 2006 

 

Tobin smiles with eyes shut, remembering that night. They kept it above the waist, hands softly exploring each other’s chests. They didn’t let it escalate, partly from feeling weird doing it Cheney’s house and partly because they both were hesitant to take it further. 

It was unspoken between them, they just both sensed that neither one was ready to completely give themselves up just yet. And it was fine. That was exciting enough.   
It seems like hours later when they settle down, Alex reaching over and handing Tobin her pill and the water bottle. They settled back with Alex resting her head on Tobin’s good shoulder, legs entwined, breathing easy as they both drifted off to sleep. 

 

Tobin sighs happily as she turns her head slightly, leaning up against the side wall of the plane, letting sleep consume her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm very appreciative of the kudos and the comments. You are kind and generous


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so the action picks up here a little bit. Tobin thinks she sees her Father on campus. Then she learns something that turns her upside down.

_June, 2006_

_“So, can I finally take this thing off?” Tobin questions Dawn as she enters the training room._

_“Tobin!” Dawn exclaims, a smile spreading across her face, “How are you?”_

_“I’m feeling so much better, thanks,” Tobin says as she is engulfed in a hug by the Brit._

_“Are you really?” Dawn asks quietly as she pulls back, examining Tobin’s face carefully. She no longer has the dark circles under her eyes, the gauntness left as well. She still looks tired to Dawn, as if she’s not been sleeping well._

_“Well,” Tobin shrugs, “I’ve got issues to work through,” Tobin says, “you know that. But my Mom has been amazing and Doc from UNC is super cool and we talk every other day.  
Which reminds me, may I have the practice schedule so I can send it her and we can figure out our calls?” _

_Dawn smiles, happy that Tobin is being responsible enough to take this initiative. “Of course, I’ll get it to you before you leave.”_

_“Thanks,” Tobin smiles, “how you’ve been?”_

_Dawn laughs, “Fine since we talked a few days ago.” She gestures for Tobin to take off the sling, “Let’s take a look.”_

_Dawn and team ortho doctor put Tobin through a series of range of motion tests to evaluate her shoulder. She gets an ultrasound of the joint to look at it as well. They look at her feet and inspect the joints, carefully making sure there is no pain or lasting injury._

_Dawn hands Tobin a small specimen cup and she goes off to give a urine sample. When she comes back, Doc is there with one of the nurses and they take a few vials of blood._

_Tobin hangs out in the training room while Dawn and the doctor go off to review the results. She sits casually on one of the training tables, scrolling through her phone. She sees a post from Alex that she’s waiting for her luggage at the airport and wondering who her roommate will be. Tobin wonders as well._

_Dawn enters the room and Tobin puts her phone in her pocket and looks up at her, straightening up to sit._

_“What’s the verdict?” she asks, legs dangling over the side of the table, moving back and forth slightly._

_“First five days you’ll do shoulder rehab and fitness and train on the side, we’ll evaluate after that.” Dawn states, holding a hand up before Tobin can speak, “After that, I fully  
expect you on the pitch for the next five days, probably red pinnied, so you don’t take any hits. Then, we’ll see how it goes.” _

_Tobin nods her head, “That sounds good,” she replies, “as much as I want to play, I know I should ease into it.”_

_“Of course, this is all pending the results of the lab work.” Dawn nods._

_“You’ll let me know?” Tobin asks, scratching at her neck._

_“Yes, of course.” Dawn replies. “Here’s the training schedule,” She says, handing Tobin a piece of paper._

_“Thanks,” Tobin takes it and glances at over it._

_“Did you get your room key?” Dawn asks as she walks over to her desk._

_“No, I came right here first.” Tobin answers as she follows her. “Go see Jeannie in the lobby, she has your keycard.” Dawn instructs, watching as Tobin slings her backpack on her shoulder. “I roomed you and Alex together this camp,” she says, “I know you are good friends and I want you to feel comfortable if anything should bother you.”_

_Tobin can’t stop the grin on her face, “Cool, thanks!” she says, nodding, “I really appreciate you doing that.”_

_“Please feel free to come to me or Doctor Monroe while you’re here, okay?” Dawn suggests, laying her hand on Tobin’s shoulder and giving it a light squeeze._

_Tobin bobs her head, “I will, I promise,” she says and exits the room._

_“Hi,” Tobin whispers into Alex’s hair as they hug, “I’ve missed you,” she murmurs, nudging Alex’s hair away and placing a soft kiss on her neck._

_Alex’s eyebrows shoot up and she smiles, arching her back, reveling in the feeling of Tobin’s lips on her, “I’ve missed you, too,” she replies, bringing a hand up to the base of Tobin’s hair and pulling it back gently, exposing her neck. She returns the kiss, feeling Tobin shudder against her._

_When their mouths finally meet, they kiss passionately, Tobin’s hands finding Alex’s ass and pressing her tightly against her. Alex likes this aggressive Tobin, so she pulls Tobin’s hair again, dropping her lips from Tobin’s and gently sucking on her neck again._

_She hears Tobin exhale loudly, feels a tremor shaking through her body against hers. Alex brings her other hand to Tobin’s chest, lightly ghosting over her breast._

_A loud knock interrupts them, making both of jolt in surprise._

_“Tobin! Alex!” Kelley’s voice rings out, “You in there?”_

_“We’ll continue this later,” Alex whispers, leaving Tobin’s embrace._

_Tobin nods and turns toward the door, “Kelley!” she yells out, opening the door, “Hey, man!” she puts her arms out for a hug._

_Soon, Tobin and Alex’s room is filled with their teammates. They sprawl out on the beds and the floor, finding space to hang out and catch up. They’ve been going around the room talking about their graduations and how their summer has been. Tobin is on her bed, leaning against the headboard, Alex at her side, feeling that Tobin was a little anxious._

_“My graduation was cool,” Tobin admits, bobbing her head, “right after the ceremony, we went to my friend Amber’s house,” she says, “turns out, her Mom and my Mom planned a joint graduation party. So, it was cool to see my cousins and aunts and uncles before I left to come back to Cheney’s house.”_

_“Wait,” Lauren stops her, “you still had a few days out there, did you hang with your sisters and your brother?”_

_“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “then my Mom rented a couple of rooms and some of my friends came over and we swam and hung out, watched movies and they stayed over.” Tobin glances at her teammates, “It was good to be able to say goodbye to them,” she finishes quietly._

_The room is silent for a moment until Tobin speaks up again, “But hey, Cheney, tell them what happened at your graduation!” she smiles over to her._

_“Oh, Lord!” Cheney laughs, “We had to evacuate into the school from the football field because of a sudden thunderstorm. It was crazy!”_

_“Did they still do it?” Pinoe asks, popping a piece of candy in her mouth._

_“Yeah, they corralled us into the hallways, separated us by names and then split us into the different smaller gyms and had our ceremonies there. I got my diploma from my freshman art teacher.” Lauren shakes her head, laughing, “My parents were squished in this tiny gym while they said a few words and then read off our names, it was nuts!”_

_“Wait!” Allie commands, holding her hand up for attention, “I have an important question.” She eyes the group, “Who’s in for coffee tomorrow morning before breakfast?”_

_“I’m sleeping in,” Ashlyn shakes her head, “my jet lag will be horrible coming across the country.”_

_The other girls chime in that they’re in, Tobin nodding her head as well._

_“Wait, you drink coffee now?” Allie inquires, eyes narrowing in on Tobin._

_Tobin shrugs, “A little,” she admits._

_“Do NOT let her order anything stronger than an iced coffee.” Lauren orders loudly, Alex grinning as she nudges Tobin next to her. Tobin’s blushing. She knows what’s coming next._

_“The day after you guys left,” Lauren continues, “we went out for coffee after dinner and Tobin orders an iced mocha latte.” Alex starts giggling and Tobin brings a hand up to cover her eyes, a smile gracing her face._

_“By the time we got back,” Alex laughs, “Tobin is bouncing her foot, her fingers, she couldn’t keep still.”_

_“She was so wired up!” Lauren laughs._

_“I thought it was like, chocolate milk,” Tobin looks up at them, “like, mocha equals chocolate, latte is milk, yo.”_

_The whole room is giggling, finding it hilarious._

_“The bad thing was, you were still feeling so crappy and sore,” Lauren sighs, shaking her head, “I thought you were going to have a panic attack. You were so jittery.”_

_The group gets silent, all looking at Tobin with wide eyes, Tobin glances around at them. She feels Alex tense up next to her, but Tobin nudges her shoulder and grins, “Good thing the Xanax knocks me out,”_

_Nobody laughs, some are looking down, others, looking at Tobin sadly._

_“Listen guys,” Tobin says, clearing her throat nervously, Alex’s hand finds hers and they link their fingers together, “I know I probably hold the record for the amount of baggage on this team,” she says, shrugging her shoulders, “but I don’t want you guys to feel like we can’t talk about it.”_

_She leans forward, making sure to give each one of them eye contact._

_“It’s hard to talk about everything yet,” she says, “but, I want you to know that I’m talking to a therapist three days a week. Coach Dorrance set it up with Dawn and it’s going really well. She’s super cool and she’s helping me with a bunch of stuff.”_

_“I know there’s gonna be some days that are worse than others, and I’m gonna need you guys to help keep me from being overwhelmed about stuff.” She continues, tears forming on the rims of her eyes. “I’m on some meds, so mornings are a little rough right now.”_

_“How so?” A-Rod asks, leaning forward, looking intently at her._

_“These meds make me a little drowsy, out of it,” Tobin says, “some days are like a fog. I just started taking them, so they’re trying to get the dosage correct.”_

_“Hence the coffee experience,” Alex smirks, lightening the mood._

_Tobin grins at her, “Well, yeah. Lesson learned.”_

_She looks at them again, giving them all a small smile, “Like, some things still are hard for me, things you wouldn’t even think about. Like, going out to dinner,” she shrugs, “that stresses me out. I’m getting a little better, but the choices are hard. Eating and talking is hard.” She sniffs, “In my house, we ate. My Father spoke and we answered. That was it. Dinner was stressful every day. So, like, goofing around at a table, is, well, it’s something I’m not used to.”_

_“My therapist says things like that, those are triggers for me, I like, kind of freak out, because it makes me stress out. But I’m trying, Cheney has been awesome, just going out and like, ordering an appetizer or a dessert and that’s it. Like, baby steps.”_

_She sighs and shakes her head, “I just don’t want to scare you guys if something starts to freak me out,” she says quietly, feeling Alex’s grip tighten on her hand. Tobin wipes at her eyes with her other hand._

_The room is silent as they weigh Tobin’s word carefully._

_Ashlyn slowly gets up from the floor, standing and looking at everyone and then Tobin. “I swear,” she grins, “you have got balls the size of Texas to say what you just said.” She shakes her head, “I’m so proud of you. That took a lot of courage to share with us. I want you to know, I’ve got your back. Whatever it takes, I’m here for you. I’m in counseling too, have been for years.” She shakes her head again, “But I didn’t have the balls to share it with any of you. I was too scared.” She points her finger at Tobin, “But you,” she smiles, “you are one strong woman.”_

_Tobin blushes at the compliment, “I don’t know about that,” she says shyly, “but I know that I can’t do this alone. You’re my team, my sisters, and I’ll be here for you, but I know I’m gonna have to lean on you sometimes.”_

_“Tobin?” Kelley calls out, Tobin turning to look at her, she’s always surprised to see Kelley serious, usually it’s only on the pitch._

_“How can we help?” she asks, “How can we, like, get you to calm down?”_

_“Well,” Tobin scratches the back of her neck, “if we’re at dinner, I usually get nervous about the food choices. So maybe, like, help me choose. Give me two choices or something. Just talk to me so I stop my mind from getting too worked up. Doc and I are still working on figuring out what really helps me.”_

_“You know,” Pinoe says, from Alex’s bed, she’s now sitting up, they all are, in fact. “You should consider checking out the menus online before we even get there.” She shrugs._

_“I never thought of that,” Tobin admits, “I’ll try it.”_

_“Tobs,” A-Rod says, “I think I can safely say, all of us in this room will be more mindful and aware to see if you’re struggling with anything, okay?”_

_Tobin nods through her tears._

_“We might not always catch it, though,” Allie warns, “I mean, I know I’ll have to remind myself, you know, like, get used to it.” The others frown at her, “What?” she exclaims, “I’m just being honest.”_

_“She’s right.” Lauren says softly, “I’ve missed things, because Tobin gets nervous about things we take as being normal. Stuff we take for granted. Her upbringing was way different than ours, guys.”_

_“Hey,” Tobin starts, “guys,”_

_Alex shakes her head, “No, it’s fine, Tobs,” she says, squeezing her hand, “we’re all going to learn what makes you upset just as you are figuring it out. I mean, you know about the eating thing, but I’m sure there’s things out there that will take you by surprise, like, none of us would think it would be upsetting. I think that’s pretty normal.”_

_“Oh, and Tobin?” Kelley calls out, a smirk on her face, “you can get chocolate milk at Starbucks. I get it all the time.”_

_They all laugh and Tobin shakes her head smiling at them._

 

 

October, 2006 

 

Tobin is thinking about how safe she feels with her National Team friends and how there are a fw here at UNC that she's feeling closer to as well when Dr. Robbin's voice pulls her from her thoughts.

“Tobin, you seem a little nervous today, what’s going on?” Doc asks as she takes her seat in her office. Tobin looks up at her from the sofa she’s slouched on, her backpack at her feet. 

Tobin looks at her with wide eyes, “I thought I saw my Father on campus this morning.” She says quickly. 

Doc recoils back in her chair with surprise, “You think he’s here?” 

Tobin shrugs, “I mean, it’s Family Weekend.” 

“Your Mom is coming?” Doc asks, her forehead furrowing. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, she’s here already,” she smiles, “she came in yesterday. My sisters are coming in today.” 

Doc smiles at her. “No Jeffrey?” 

“No,” Tobin shakes her head, “he’s got a golf tournament in Georgia. He made the cut for the weekend,” she smiles proudly. 

“How’s it going with your Mom?” 

“Yeah, we talk almost every day.” Tobin smiles, “She’s doing good. She loves her job at the church, she’s seems pretty happy.” 

Doc nods at her reply with a small smile. “Tobin, if you think you really saw your Father on campus,” Doc begins slowly, “how will you feel if he comes to your match?” 

Tobin squirms on the couch, “I don’t know,” she replies honestly, “I mean, I haven’t heard or seen him in five months. The last thing he said to me was that he was he was disappointed in me. That was when I first saw him on my signing day.” 

She kicks off her flip flops and slides to the floor, crossing her legs under her. “I mean, he did teach me so much about soccer,” she says slowly, “he taught me about the Bible,” she says, scratching her back for a moment, “but he was cruel. He was so cold. So rigid.” She looks up at Doc, “I mean, there were positives but the he was just so mean. I was telling my Mom about how he hid it so well, any time he actually hurt me, at least right up until the end, he never just hit me. It was always training, like I took a knock, or he’d make me super tired, by running or doing drills endlessly. Wouldn’t let me eat because I didn’t play well. But then, he’d like, mess with my mind,” she says, shaking her head, “he’d lock me in a dark closet. He’d shout these awful, threatening Bible verses at me, say awful things to me, he’d keep me awake and stuff.” 

“How did your Mom react when you were telling her this?” Doc asks quietly. 

“She told me she thought something was going on back in 2004, when he hit me in the ribs. She demanded they go to marriage counseling. She said things seemed better, but she became much more observant, noticing how hard he was on me. She started to plan. She was scared to go to the Police, she knew of some women who did that and things went horribly wrong. She knew he wouldn’t let her divorce him without a fight. She was waiting on money she was getting after my Grandpa passed away. Something about a trust fund,” she continues, “she started talking to people at church, they began to help her put a plan in place.” 

“How did that make you feel?” Doc asks, “Learning that?”

“Well, I understood she was always doing what she could. I mean, my Father ran a tight ship. But she started covering for me, she started seeing what would set him off at me and she would run interference. I knew something was going on, I just didn’t know what it was. She wouldn’t tell me. She had promised me I would come here, to UNC. She said she would make it happen.” 

Doc nods, then sets her pen down, bringing her hands together and interlocking her fingers as she leaned for at her desk. “Tobin, do you think you are in danger if your Father is here?” she asks her. Tobin sees how serious she is, her body is tense. 

“I, I, I don’t know,” Tobin replies, “I really don’t know how he would act.” 

Dr. Robbins is silent as she looks out her window, thinking. She turns back to face Tobin, who is still on the floor. “I don’t want to get security involved if you don’t think it’s necessary, but if there’s the slightest chance he may hurt you, we should.” 

Tobin sighs, “He’s been banned from all of the National Team matches,” she says softly, “I just wonder if he had a chance, if maybe he wants to talk, you know? Maybe he’s sorry? Maybe he’s changed?” 

Doc brings her lips together into a thin grimace, “Tobin,” she says just as quietly, “I think that is highly unlikely.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin says, her voice low and quiet. She knows it was only wishful thinking. 

“I’m going to call Coach Dorrance and get security on this.” Doc says, scribbling something down in her notebook, “I don’t want you walking anywhere alone until we know for certain he is not on campus, okay?” 

Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says, slowly lifting herself from the floor and slipping on her flip flops, “it’s probably for the best.” 

Doc stands and comes around her desk towards Tobin and hugs her, “I’m sorry,” she says, “we just want to keep you safe.” 

“Thanks, I know,” Tobin says, “I do.” 

“Oh,” Doc calls out as Tobin nears the door, “your Xanax is in at the Student Health Center, you should pick it up today so you’ll have when you leave next week.” 

“I’ll go get it now,” Tobin nods, “thanks, Doc.” 

Tobin leaves her office, walking down the hall, heading towards the fitness center and locker rooms, figuring she could probably find someone there to walk with her to get her prescription. She turns the corner and sees HAO walking out of the locker room. 

“HAO!” Tobin calls out, breaking into a jog to catch up to her. 

“What’s up, Tobs?” HAO asks, stopping and waiting for her. 

“You got to be anywhere super quick right now?” Tobin asks, a little nervously. She’s known HAO for years, played with her on some club teams and they were both in the same PDA group back in New Jersey. They’re friendly, but not super close. HAO is already playing for the National Team so she hasn’t played with her often lately. She knows HAO thinks her Father is a dick, just from what she’s witnessed over the years, but she’s always been to cool to her. Tobin’s shyness and their age difference was part of what kept them from really knowing each other well. 

“Uh,” Tobin bobs her head, growing suddenly nervous, “I was wondering, um,” she takes a deep breath, remembering what Jess told her about the team looking out for each other, “would you have time to walk with me to the Student Center?” 

HAO smiles, “Totally, dude.” She jerks her head, “Let’s go.” 

As they leave the building and walk side by side, HAO can’t help but notice how Tobin is looking around nervously. 

“Everything okay, dude?” she asks her quietly. 

Tobin flinches in surprise, “Oh, yeah,” she says quickly. Then she thinks for a minute. “HAO?” 

“Huh?” 

“Uh, not really.” Tobin says quietly. HAO stops walking, looking at her expectantly. 

“Um, I thought I saw my Father on campus this morning.” Tobin states. “Doc thinks I shouldn’t walk anywhere alone until Security is certain he’s not here.” 

HAO bites her lower lip as she nods. “Say no more,” she says, pulling Tobin towards her in a side hug and beginning to walk again with her, “I’ve got your back.” 

“What are we getting here, dude?” HAO asks as the near the building. 

“Uh, a prescription.” Tobin replies. Be more open, she says to herself. “Um, I’m kinda taking some meds for some anxiety issues.” 

“Are they helping ya, bud?” HAO asks. 

Tobin shrugs, “I’ve only had a couple of panic attacks since I’ve been here.” 

“Dude,” HAO says, grabbing Tobin’s forearm, “if there’s anything I could do to help you out, you just let me know, okay?” 

“Thanks, man,” Tobin says, sending her a quick smile. 

 

HAO gets herself a smoothie while Tobin picks up her prescription and they walk out of the Student Center together. 

“So, Tobs,” HAO says casually as they walk, the leaves crunching under their feet, “are you ready for the National Team?” 

Tobin nods, “Well, if I get called in, we have a camp after the College Cup, then in February there’s the U-21 tournament.” 

“No, I mean for the National Team,” HAO clarifies, “the bigs. You ready to take the leap?” 

Tobin squints at her, shaking her head, “I really don’t think I’m on their radar right now.” 

HAO is just about to respond when she sees Tobin’s eyes go wide over her shoulder. She turns as Tobin quickly walks over to a man sitting on a bench near one of the parking towers. 

“Dad?” Tobin calls out as she approaches. Her Father looks up at her and stands. 

HAO stays in her place, about thirty feet away, giving them some space to talk. She’s unsure if she should go with Tobin so she decides to just watch them carefully. 

“How is it that mine are good and pure but aren’t as good as you. You, have all the talent, but are full of sin.” He asks her, his face stern. 

“What?” Tobin is confused. 

“Thought you were smart escaping camp, didn’t you?” He questions. 

“I” Tobin starts. 

“You must pay for your sins. This place is sinful.” He growls. 

“Dad, I, it’s not.” Tobin tries, seeing the disgust and anger in his eyes. 

“Why you? Why are you better than mine?” He asks again. He’s frowning as he looks her up and down. 

“None of them will ever be as good as you. None of mine.” He says flatly, remorsefully. 

“Dad, I” Tobin’s confused, she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. 

She glances down and doesn’t see the fist coming, connecting with her left eye. She staggers back a step or two, a hand up, covering her eye. 

The next hit connects with her mouth, splitting her lip and sending her to her knees. She hears HAO yelling something about pressing the blue button, and hears footsteps approaching rapidly. Instinctively, Tobin curls herself into the fetal position, a hand covering her head to ward off any further blows.

“I will make sure you pay for your sins.” She hears her Father threaten, opening an eye from the ground and seeing her Father’s feet. She tightens up, closing her eyes, waiting for a kick. It doesn’t come. 

She’s dazed, her eye hot and throbbing, a headache immediately springing up, feeling blood on her lips. She flinches when a hand touches her shoulder. 

“Tobin!” HAO’s voice rings out, squeezing Tobin’s shoulder. 

“Run HAO!” Tobin says, panicked, still curled into herself. 

“He’s gone, Tobs,” HAO says quietly, “are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin winces as she blinks rapidly, this eye is gonna swell, she thinks dejectedly. 

“Stay put,” HAO advises. 

“Here, I have some napkins,” a girl’s voice says, she’s close by. 

“Can you sit up?” HAO asks quietly, looking intently at Tobin. 

Tobin nods as she slowly uncurls herself, feeling hands under her arms to help her sit. HAO guides the small ball of napkins to her lip, Tobin raising her hand to hold them in place. 

“Did you hit your head?” HAO questions. 

“No,” Tobin answers distractedly, looking around for a glimpse of her Father. 

A Security cart rolls up with two officers getting out quickly. 

“I’ll be right back,” HAO says, patting Tobin’s shoulder as she stands to talk to them. 

“Here,” a girl Tobin’s never met kneels in front of her, “let me put this cup against your eye.” 

Tobin feels the cold of an iced drink cup against her already swollen eye. 

“You okay?” she asks her, her eyes sincere. 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies shakily, “thanks.” 

“Did he rob you?” she asks, worry in her eyes. 

“Nah,” Tobin shakes her head slightly. She’s fighting against herself as she feels her body beginning to shake. She curls her legs to sit cross legged. 

She’s frowning at Tobin. “Does it hurt bad?” 

Tobin takes the napkins away from her lip, looking down at the blood in the napkin with a shaking hand. Her stomach turns slightly at the sight of it.  
The girls starts digging through her backpack, Tobin watching as she triumphantly pulls out some more napkins. 

“Here,” she offers, folding a couple over, “put the bloody one on this one,” she instructs, holding out a single napkin. Tobin does as told, raising the fresh napkins to her lip. 

“Thanks,” she says shyly, offering her a small grin.

“I’m Sara.” The girl says. 

“Tobin,” 

“Are you sure you’re alright? You seem kind of out of it.” Sara asks, concern taking over her features. 

“I think I’m just shocked it happened.” Tobin replies honestly. She can hear HAO speaking behind her and one of the officers on his radio, relaying what had happened. She hears her Father’s name spoken and shiver makes her flinch. Her foot begins to bounce off the pavement, her hand holding the cup against her head starts to shake. 

“Are you on the soccer team?” Sara questions, glancing at Tobin’s hoodie team hoodie and looking at her expectantly. 

Tobin nods. “Yeah, freshman.” 

Sara giggles at that. “Already with a couple of goals and assists.” She replies, surprising Tobin. Tobin tilts her head at her, looking confused. 

“I’m on the campus newspaper.” She explains. 

“Oh,” is all Tobin can say. 

“I should come and cheer you on sometime.” Sara grins at her, her eyes flicking over Tobin. 

Is she checking me out, Tobin wonders. Is she flirting with me?

“Well, it’d be nice to know someone in the crowd is cheering me on,” Tobin replies, giving her a half smile. 

“Well,” Sara smirks at her, “I’ll be your very own personal cheerleader.” 

Holy shit, she is totally flirting with me, Tobin realizes. “I would dig that,” she nods her head, her words muffled through the napkin. 

“I can’t make tomorrow’s match, but I’ll come to your next home one.” Sara promises. 

“That’d be cool,” Tobin grins, wincing as her lip flares. 

Sara quickly looks worried. “Here,” she says, “let’s see if it stopped bleeding.” 

Tobin sets the drink down, using both hands to pull back the napkins. There’s still fresh, bright red blood. She glances up and sees Sara frown. 

“You might need a couple of stitches.” 

“Ugh,” Tobin moans, “I hope not.” She presses the napkins back against her lip. 

HAO comes over, placing a hand on Tobin’s shoulder. “You doing okay, bud?” she asks warmly. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Tobin assures her. Her head aches, her eye hurts and her lip feels like it’s twice the size it should be, but she’ll never admit it in front of Sara. 

“Can you stand?” HAO asks, “we’re going to have one of the trainers check you out.” 

Tobin nods. 

“I’ll help,” Sara offers, standing to help HAO get Tobin off the ground. Tobin takes a stutter step, dizzy for a moment. 

“You okay?” HAO repeats, the concern evident. 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “I think I just stood up too fast. I’m fine.” 

“Tobin, I’ve got to go,” Sara says reluctantly, “I hope it’s not too serious,” 

“Thank you very much for stopping, Sara, it was real nice to meet you.” Tobin says sincerely, aware of HAO’s curious gaze. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Sara grins at her, “maybe I’ll make a sign or something,” she says cheekily. 

Tobin blushes, “That’d be cool,” internally cringing at how lame she says it. 

Sara reaches forward and places her hand on Tobin’s forearm, “I’ll see you at the next game. Take care, okay?” 

“I will,” Tobin nods, “and thanks again.” 

Sara reaches down, grabbing her drink and slinging her backpack over a shoulder, glancing back to smile and wink at Tobin as she walks away. 

HAO makes sure to pick up Tobin’s bag with her prescription, and the two walk silently with one of the Security guards the short distance to the Athletic Building. 

They enter the training room, waiting for one of the trainers, the guard stopping to speak with another security person in the hallway. 

“Okay,” HAO says, unable to suppress her grin, “she was totally hitting on you.” 

“Yeah, she kinda was, wasn’t she?” Tobin asks, still not believing that all happened. 

“Yeah, and she’s pretty cute.” HAO smiles, “Way to go, Tobs,” she smacks her shoulder gently. 

It’s right then that the realization hits Tobin that her Father had just assaulted her, right here, on her campus. At first, she had been just dazed, not thinking clearly, reeling from the pain in her face. Then she was distracted by Sara. Now that she’s sitting on a training table, the seriousness of what just occurred is hitting her full force. 

“HAO,” Tobin says shakily, looking down and seeing her foot twitching as it hangs off the end of the table, her fingers rubbing the pad of her thumb.

She feels HAO rubbing her back, “Just breath nice and easy, dude,” she encourages, nodding at her. “They’re gonna make sure he’s off campus, you’ll be safe. It will be fine.”  
The tears come, HAO circling her arm around Tobin, holding her close as she stands next to the table. 

Soon, one of the female trainers comes in, looking Tobin over, beginning the concussion protocol, making sure her cheekbone isn’t broken and she doesn’t have any loose teeth. She gives her another ice bag and uses some glue to seal her split lip. She tells her to take some Tylenol for her headache and to ice her eye and her lip on and off for the rest of the night. 

Tobin nods silently, she’s trying to process what her Father said to her. What did he mean, not mine, she wonders. HAO gently guides her by the elbow out of the training room, Tobin distracted and immersed in wondering what her Father was talking about. She’s confused. 

Coach meets them in the hallway, looking genuinely concerned. When he tells Tobin to skip tonight’s practice, she panics. 

“Coach, I’m fine,” she insists, “it’s just a little knock, I can play.” 

“Tobin,” he replies soothingly, understanding her anxiety about missing practice and not playing in tomorrow’s match, “you’re starting tomorrow.” He reassures her. “Just relax tonight. Spend some time with your Mom.” 

“Coach,” Tobin starts, her shoulders slumping, it’s too much, this is too much, he’s just being so kind to her.

He gives her a soft hug, “It’s okay,” he says, “take some time for yourself.” 

Tobin nods as she pulls away from him, still holding the ice bag to her eye. She can’t look him in the face, she doesn’t want to see his kindness, his sympathy. 

“Be ready to tear it up out on the pitch tomorrow,” he says as HAO leads her down the hall to exit the building. Tobin throws him a thumbs up. 

When they enter Tobin’s dorm, she’s surprised to a security sitting at the check desk along with the student who works there. They show their IDs and move to the elevator bank. 

Tobin glances down the main hall and sees another guard at the end near the other door. 

Most of her freshman and sophomore teammates live on the same floor, poking their heads out of their open doors as HAO and Tobin pass. When she walks into her room, Casey is there along with Kling and Ashlyn, all looking very concerned. 

“Just let me text my Mom and then I’ll tell you what happened.” Tobin states, pulling her phone out. 

She just tells her Mom if she wants to come by after picking up Perry and Katie, they could to an early dinner because she doesn’t have to practice tonight.

Her Mom replies that sounds great and she’ll be by around seven thirty to pick her up. 

Before Tobin sits down, she gets out a couple of Tylenol and downs the capsules with a swig from her water bottle on her dresser. 

She sits on her bed, leaning her back against the wall, feet dangling off the side. She kicks off her flip flops and looks at the group. 

“So, my Dad paid me a little visit,” she begins, telling them about how she thought she saw him this morning, how serious Doc took it, how they had notified Security. She tells them about the encounter, leaving out the parts about him saying not mine, because she’s confused and there’s this nagging worry that’s building inside her about what that could mean. 

They discuss it for a little while, all of them noticing how tired Tobin is growing as the adrenalin is wearing off from her assault. They promise her they’ll make sure she’s awake before they leave for practice at six thirty, giving her time to shower and get ready for her evening with her family. 

She thanks them, Casey taking the ice bag from her as she’s sliding down onto her bed, pulling the sheet over herself and instantly closing her eyes. 

 

Dinner is subdued, with Tobin explaining in the car what happened when they picked her up. They talk quietly, catching up with their lives. Tobin didn’t tell them either about the whole, not mine thing, she wanted to wait until after they ate. 

They go for a coffee near campus afterwards, sitting out at a table away from others. It’s then that Tobin brings it up. 

“So, Dad said some things I don’t understand,” she says mildly, her straw rattling her near empty iced coffee. 

“Like what, honey?” Her Mom asks, looking at her curiously. Perry and Katie are looking at her intently. 

“He asked why was I better than his,” Tobin says, seeing Katie’s eyes raise in surprise, Perry glancing away. “What would he mean by that?” Tobin asks, “Then he said none of them will ever be as good as I am. None of mine.” 

“Well,” Her Mom begins, fidgeting with her plastic cup, “um, I,” 

“Mom, just tell her.” Katie demands, her eyes flashing at her. 

“Katie!” Her Mom reprimands, looking shocked. 

“Tell me what?” Tobin asks, her head spinning. 

“Mom,” Perry says gently, reaching over and laying her hand on her Mom’s forearm, “tell her, it’s time.” 

Tobin’s growing more confused and getting a little angry about being in the dark about whatever this is. She pushes her seat back from the table, the legs of her metal chair screeching suddenly, causing other patrons of the shop to look her way. 

“Tell me what?” Tobin demands, her forehead creased, looking intently at all of them. 

“Tobin,” her Mom begins, “a long time ago,” 

“Tobin, you’re adopted. You’re not one of Dad’s kids.” Katie blurts out. “That’s what he meant when he said you weren’t his.” 

“What?” Tobin exclaims, her hands gripping the arms of her chair tightly. The color draining from her face, is this some kind of a cruel joke, she wonders. 

“What do you mean?” she asks, “We all look alike.” 

“Tobin,” Her Mom begins, “sweetie,” 

“Aunt Lori.” Katie speaks, cutting her Mother off and earning a glare from her. 

“What?” Tobin exclaims, much softer this time, the gears spinning in her head. Aunt Lori? She’s her Mom? 

It’s all too much, after seeing her Father today, him hitting her and now this news, she just can’t handle it. The instinct to flee is overpowering. She stands up. 

“I, uh, I got to go.” She states. She knows she shouldn’t, she should stay here and listen to whatever else they tell her, but it’s too much. “I’m going to a friend’s house tonight,” she says, “I’ll see you tomorrow after the match.” 

Perry stands up, “Tobin, don’t go.” She pleads, reaching out to her. Tobin pulls her arm away, pulling from Perry’s reach. “You knew?” she accuses Perry, her eyes boring into her. Perry looks scared. 

“Tobin, sit down,” Katie says from her chair, she’s the calmest one of the four at the moment. 

“I can’t.” she says, the tears coming. “I just can’t.” she says as she backs away from them. 

Her Mom stands, “Tobin Powell Heath!” she says firmly, “Come back here.” 

Tobin looks at her, her face filled with confusion, “Is that really my name?” she asks, glancing at Katie and Perry. She turns so she doesn’t see the hurt looks they give her and  
sprints away. 

“Tobin!” she hears as Perry gives chase. She knows Perry won’t be able to catch to her, she’s not a runner. Katie, Katie might have the stamina. Tobin kicks it up a notch, arms pumping, feet flying, even though she’s wearing flip flops, weaving through the streets, taking turns to bring her in the general direction of her destination. Tears are streaming down her face, her mind reeling from this. What it means. 

Has her whole life been a lie? What else aren’t they telling her? Should she have stayed? The panic she felt wouldn’t let her. She had to get out of there. 

She slows her pace, satisfied Perry is long in the dust, walking slowly as she catches her breath. 

She texts Casey, knowing she’s at practice, but telling her she’s hanging out tonight and will let her know if she’s not coming back to the dorm. She texts Doc, asking her if they can meet in the morning to talk. Doc replies immediately that they can meet at nine tomorrow. She’s trying to be as responsible as she can right now. She’s sees the texts coming through from Perry and Katie. 

Angrily she reads them. They’re trying to guilt her to come back. Saying how upset Mom is. Don’t do this to them. Don’t do this to her. Be responsible. Come and talk like an adult, not run away like a little kid. 

Tobin knows they’re worried and they mean well, but right now, it’s not sitting well with her. She texts them back. 

 

**Tobin: You don’t know how I feel. You haven’t lived MY life. Will you please just back off and give me some space.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grateful for the kudos and comments. 
> 
> So, what do you think?


	11. Chapter 11

_August 2002_

_Fourteen-year-old Tobin is pulled from sleep by the voices floating up from the living room downstairs. She’s been a light sleeper lately, ever since her Father had started coming into her room in the early morning hours to wake her and take her to the basement._

_Down there, he usually had her doing exercises, quizzing her on Bible verses or soccer stuff, but sometimes her would lock her in the dark, cramped closet, striking the door and scaring her as she tried to sleep again._

_She leaves her bed and nears her closed door, listening. The words are mumbled, but she can hear her Mother speaking. She glances at the clock and sees it’s almost one in the morning. Curious, she opens her door a crack._

_“No,” Her Mother says firmly. “She’s fine here. Don’t you know how much this would upset her?”_

_The other voice mumbles something, Tobin can’t make it out, but she knows it’s a woman’s voice._

_“She’s happy here, she’s excelling at soccer, she’s gifted, she’s already been offered Olympic training. No. Absolutely not.” Her Mother replies._

_The other voice is pleading._

_“Sweetie,” Her Mother says, much more softer this time, “you couldn’t afford it and your work schedule wouldn’t allow it.” She pauses, “And think of her, how much would this confuse her?”_

_Tobin hears a door open and close and waits for a few minutes. Hearing nothing more, she heads back to bed, curious what that was all about. Who was that and why were they talking about me, she wonders as sleep begins to overtake her._

 

 

October 2006 

I wonder if that was Aunt Lori, Tobin thinks, as she slowly walks up the stairs to the house she’s looking for. Did Aunt Lori see what a dick my Father was back then and wanted to take me? Who else in the family knew? Probably everyone, she snorts to herself, shaking her head. She knocks on the wood door, knowing her friend probably isn’t home yet. It’s cool, though, because her roommates are cool with her hanging out. 

Plus, they’re kind of messy and it makes Tobin cringe, so she usually cleans up for them. 

The door opens and a young woman smiles at her, “Hey, Tobin!” she exclaims with a smile, opening the door further to let her in. 

“Hey, Mel,” Tobin greets, a little subdued, sliding past her. 

Melissa is one of Jess’ roommates who plays field hockey. She eyes Tobin carefully, taking in her flushed face from running, the bruising eye and split lip. She doesn’t know much about Tobin, only knowing that she’s had a rough go of things lately, not much about her history, but enough to know that she’s sometimes a little fragile. 

“Jess isn’t home from practice yet,” Mel says, walking ahead of her to the kitchen, “you want something to drink, you look like you’ve run a few miles.” 

“That’d be great, thanks,” Tobin replies, sitting at the counter. 

“You need some ice for that shiner?” Mel asks, handing Tobin a Gatorade. 

“Ah, nah, I’m okay, thanks,” Tobin shakes her head. 

“Right,” Mel says, opening a cabinet and getting a Ziploc baggie and then opening the freezer and pulling some ice from one of the two large bags in there. She grabs a dish towel and wraps the baggie in it, tossing it on the counter near Tobin. 

“Thanks,” Tobin mumbles, reaching for it. 

“We are the Ice Queens,” Mel says easily, “if ya need it, ya need it.” She doesn’t ask how Tobin got her injuries. 

Mel sees how tired Tobin looks, “Why don’t you chill on the couch for a bit and ice?” she suggests. 

Tobin is feeling a bit worn out from the emotions and agrees, moving slowly to the couch, just putting her feet on the coffee table, slouching back and tilting her head, balancing the ice bag on her eye. 

Usually the first thing Tobin does when she comes over is straighten the kitchen counter, putting away the clean dishes and loading the dishwasher. For her to just chill out is a little out of character. “I’m going to be heading out,” Mel informs her, “so just hang out, okay?” Mel know Jess will be here shortly, so she feels comfortable in letting hang out. She knows she’s okay, something is troubling her, but she knows Jess will help her. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Tobin says, a little sleepily. 

 

Tobin flinches when she feels the bag of now melted ice being lifted off her face. “Oh, hey,” she says sleepily, instantly pushing herself up to sit more upright on the couch. She lowers her feet from the coffee table. 

“Dude, are you okay?” Jess asks her, looking at her carefully. She sits in front of her on the coffee table, leaning with her elbows on her knees. “HAO told me what happened.” 

Tobin nods, swallowing the sudden lump in her throat. “Yeah,” she rasps. 

Jess looks at her critically, examining her eye, glancing down at her lip. She quirks up her mouth and sighs. 

“Casey told me you texted her,” she says quietly. 

Tobin sighs, “I needed to run,” Tobin says quietly, “I didn’t want her to worry.” 

Jess cocks her head, “How long were you here?” she asks, confused.

Tobin glances down at her phone, seeing a bunch of texts on her screen. “Only, like, twenty minutes.” 

“Wait, I thought the thing with your Dad happened hours ago, where were you?” Jess questions, trying to figure out the timeline. 

Tobin sighs, “When it happened, it was early, not even one or so, I went back to my dorm after and saw those guys,” Tobin explains, “We talked about what happened, I took a nap and Casey made sure I was up before she left for practice. I went out with my Mom and sisters. Then I came here.” 

She looks at Jess, be more open, she repeats to herself, and she takes a deep breath. “We had dinner, and then went and got coffee.” She says, her voice becoming a little uneven as she feels her emotions rising. “I found out why my Dad treats me different than Katie, Perry and Jeffrey.” 

Jess raises her eyebrows expectantly as Tobin rubs her forehead with her left hand. She takes another deep breath, feeling her foot begin to bounce. She looks at Jess. 

“I’m adopted. My real mother is my Mom’s sister, my Aunt Lori.” Tobin says, her words rushed and running together. 

She watches as Jess listens to her, realizes what she’s saying and then reacts to it. “Holy shit!” she exclaims softly. 

The tears begin to come and Tobin brings her hands up to her face, leaning forward as she cries. 

Jess leaves the table and sits next to her, pulling her close and slowly rocking her as she begins to sob. They sit silently as Jess patiently lets Tobin get it all out. 

When Tobin quiets down and is only sniffling occasionally, Jess speaks. 

“Tobin, I’m not Doc, I’m not a professional, so it’s not like I know what the right thing to say to you is,” she says bluntly. “But I do know this: learning that you’re adopted doesn’t change the person you are. It doesn’t change how awesome you are.” 

Tobin nods, leaning her head back on the couch cushion, side eying Jess. “Thanks, man,” she says as she sniffs her nose. “Is my life like a fucking soap opera or what?” Tobin asks tiredly, shaking her head with her eyes closed. 

Jess barks out a laugh from Tobin’s unexpected joke. She relaxes when she sees the grin on Tobin’s face. 

“Well, what’s next? A love triangle? You gonna get some girl pregnant? Be falsely accused of a crime?” Jess jokes. 

Tobin lets out a soft laugh, rubbing her forehead again, feeling the beginning of a headache once more. “I don’t know, dude,” she says tiredly, “but I’m ready for a commercial break.” 

“Well,” Jess says, slapping Tobin’s thigh, “what’s next?” 

Tobin rolls her neck to look at her, “I have a meeting with Doc tomorrow morning and then we kick NC State’s ass and then I face my family.” She says and shrugs, “Simple.” 

“You want to stay here or go back to your dorm?” Jess asks her, stretching her back and arms next to her. 

“If you don’t mind,” Tobin says, covering a yawn with her hand, “I’d like to go back to my place,” she says, “it’ll be easier in the morning to meet Doc.” 

Jess nods, “No sweat,” 

In the car back to campus, Jess hears Tobin sigh. 

“What?” she asks her. 

“I just ran,” Tobin says softly, “why do I do that?” she shifts in her seat, her fingers rubbing her thumb, “I mean, Katie just blurted it out and then I left. I didn’t even stay to hear the details of how it all happened.” 

“Well, I’d certainly freak out if I was told that, like, so suddenly.” Jess offers as she pulls in front of Tobin’s dorm. 

“I’m kind of disappointed in myself.” Tobin mumbles quietly, shaking her head 

“Hey,” Jess says, reaching over and grabbing Tobin’s wrist, “you did okay, alright? You let Casey know you were okay, you texted Doc, you talked about it a little bit, you did some good things tonight. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” 

“Thanks,” Tobin nods, “Sorry for just springing it all on you.” 

Jess jerks Tobin’s wrist a little, “We all need someone we are comfortable with to go to like that. I have no problem being your person. Ever.” 

Tobin unbuckles her seatbelt and leans over to give her a hug, “Thanks so much, man,” she says, “I really appreciate it.” 

“No problem,” Jess grins at her, “go to sleep, get some rest, and be ready to kick ass tomorrow.” She orders with a smile. 

Tobin offers her knuckles for a punch, “Yes ma’am,” she grins, turning to open the door and exit the Jeep. 

 

Her dorm room was empty and not many doors were open as Tobin walked down the hall to shower, so when she got back to her room, it was quiet. 

She looked at her phone, frowning at the continued messages from her sisters. She sighs at how persistent they are. She knows they care, but they just don’t understand how she feels. They never walked a day in her shoes. 

Tobin quickly grabs her bathroom stuff, takes a fast shower and comes back to her room. It’s not even ten yet, so she feels happy she’ll get plenty of rest for tomorrow’s match. 

Even with meeting Doc in the morning, she’ll take her online quiz right after, then have time to chill for a while, eat lunch and then nap before she has to leave for their pre-game meeting. 

She sets her alarm for eight, then looks at her phone. 

She lies in bed with the lights off, thinking. She remembers their photo albums they would pull out at Christmas, every year laughing over how silly they all looked as kids. Tobin remembers seeing photos of herself as an infant in her Mom’s arms. Baptism photos, first Christmas, first Easter. So, whatever went down she came to them right after she was born. 

Her Aunt Lori was her Godmother, she was a bright spot in Tobin’s world. Always fun, energetic, having a positive attitude. She attended many of Tobin’s matches, school functions, things like that. She always told Tobin how much she loved her, every time they saw each other. She made Tobin feel special. 

But her Mom is her Mom, she thinks to herself, she’s all I’ve ever known. I love her and I know I hurt her feelings tonight. 

Tobin picks up her phone and texts her Mom. 

**Tobin: I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I was really freaked out.**

**Mom: Oh, sweetie, I wish that went so differently. I’m so sorry.**

**Tobin: Would it be really awful if just you and I talked tomorrow? Not Katie and Perry?**

**Mom: Do you want me to tell them not to come to your match?**

**Tobin: No. They came all this way. Maybe we could all go to dinner as planned but try real hard not to talk about it? Then just you and I can?**

**Mom: Of course.**

**Tobin: How long have they known?**

**Mom: A while.**

**Tobin: Mom?**

**Mom: Since you were fifteen.**

Tobin thinks back about that. That’s when Tobin’s “trainings” with her Father escalated. I wonder if they questioned Mom about it and that’s how it came out. 

**Mom: Tobin? Are you still here?**

**Tobin: Yeah. Sorry.**

**Mom: Can I do anything to help you tonight? Make you feel better about this?**

**Tobin: Nah. I think I’m still kind of freaked, but it does make so much sense now. I’m not angry at you. You’re still my Mom. I love you.**

**Mom: Sweetie, I wish so many things were different. I’m so sorry. I feel like I’ve failed you again.**

**Tobin: Please don’t feel like that. You didn’t.**

**Tobin: I’m kind of mad at Katie and Perry. They pushed it. I wish they hadn’t.**

**Mom: They just wanted you to know. I agree their method was too blunt and I’m so sorry it happened that way.**

**Mom: They know exactly how I feel about that.**

Tobin smirks, figuring her Mom let them have it about how that all went. 

**Tobin: I think I’m going to bed, I’m pretty tired.**

**Mom: How is your eye? And your lip? Are you in any pain?**

**Tobin: No, it’s okay. My eye is only a little swollen, I’ve been icing it all day. My lip doesn’t hurt too bad, it’s more just annoying.**

**Mom: I love you sweetheart. I’m so sorry.**

**Tobin: I love you Mom, see you tomorrow.**

**Mom: Good night, dear.**

 

Tobin sighs as she slides out of bed, clicking on her bedside light, plugging her phone in to charge and setting it next to her bed. She opens her top dresser drawer, removing one of her prescription bottles and shaking a sleeping pill out. She grabs her ever present water bottle and downs the pill with a couple of gulps. She clicks her light off. 

She gets back in bed, rolling to her side and starts thinking about being on a beach somewhere. She pictures blue skies, hearing the waves crash and birds crying out, feeling herself settle down, and when her pill kicks in, sleep comes soon after. 

 

 

“The game ball goes to Tobin!” Coach Dorrance announces in the locker room after their match the next day. Loud cheers go up, filling the room. “The game winning goal and an assist! Here’s to many more!” He shouts, proudly handing over the ball as Tobin is pushed towards him by her teammates. 

“Thanks,” she says shyly, a bright flush on her face, she looks around at her teammates and grins. 

“Tar!” She shouts. 

“Heels!” They reply. 

They repeat the chant, until Coach whistles them quiet. 

“Alright, tomorrow is a day off.” He says, “Make sure you see the trainers for regen, ice baths, etc. If you have any knocks, get treatment.” He looks at them, “I’m proud of you, go  
celebrate!” 

He leaves the locker room as they shout and then begin to get into the showers and get out of there. They won 4-1 over Duke, Tobin scoring the goal that put them up 2-1. She assisted on HAO’s go after that and then Yael had a PK that she buried. 

Tobin quickly gets dressed after showering, not bothering to dry her hair, knowing she was going to a pizza place with her family. Jess catches her on her way out. 

“Great match, kiddo!” she says, smiling at her. 

“Thanks, Cap.” Tobin grins back. 

“You okay for tonight?” Jess asks, a flash of concern on her face. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says, “we’re doing dinner and then just my Mom and I are gonna talk.” 

“Good,” Jess nods, “hope it goes good for you.” 

“Thanks,” Tobin says, giving her a quick hug,“I gotta run,” she shifts the ball from her left to her right hand. 

“Later!” Jess yells above the noisy room. 

 

That morning, Casey got up with Tobin and headed to the Athletic Building with her for breakfast, explaining she had some homework to do and wanted to knock it out before lunch. That was after teasing Tobin good naturedly, yet again, about her making her bed after immediately getting up. 

Tobin’s visit with Doc went well with Doc praising her for the same points Jess made last night, communicating with Casey, making this appointment, her decision to take a sleeping pill. She commended Tobin setting boundaries with her sisters, knowing that was hard, but it was necessary for her to feel better. Doc had also informed her that Security had deemed the campus clear, using cameras to watch the parking garage and confirm that her Father had indeed left after yesterday’s incident. There would be extra security at the match, but it wasn’t to cause her any alarm, they were just being precautious. She was still not to walk alone, but they had a license plate number and were on alert, all throughout campus. 

They spoke about what Tobin wanted to achieve with her speaking with her Mother in the evening, listening to Tobin speak about her Aunt Lori and what she meant to her. Tobin discussed her anger and resentment towards her sisters and Doc made a few suggestions for how she might approach different questions and Tobin left feeling good. She felt in control of the situation, that she was calling the shots and wouldn’t be pushed around by Katie or Perry. 

When Tobin completed her quiz, she felt she had aced it, happy it was out of the way. She had some time to work on her outline for a different paper and knocked it out. She was feeling good. 

A bunch of her teammates were gathered for lunch and Tobin felt more comfortable than ever before as she was eating with them as they joked and laughed. Things just seemed to be clicking. 

The match was awesome, the team was able to pressure Duke and maintain possession for a majority of the time, picking and choosing their times to attack. During one play, Tobin saw HAO go down, getting tripped up by a defender on a foul that wasn’t called, so she slotted herself towards the box, nutmegging another midfielder and then blasted a shot. 

To her, it was as if all of the noise stopped, she only could see the ball, curving inward into the upper ninety and the goalie extending herself, trying to get a hand on it. The noise came back full force with the swoosh of the ball hitting the back of the netting and the roar of the crowd bringing her to her senses. 

She was swarmed by her teammates with hugs and high fives as they got back into position. The rest of the match was a blur, Tobin loving the rhythm of the team, they were dictating the plays, right up until the half. 

When the second half started, it was obvious that UNC had not taken the foot off the gas. Tobin slid a short pass through the defense for HAO to run onto for a beautiful goal to bring them to 3-1. In the eighty-third minute, Yael got taken down roughly in the box and was awarded a penalty kick which she easily converted. 

 

So, Tobin was feeling great as she left the locker room, her gear bag in hand, a backpack slung on her back as she looked for her Mom and sisters. 

They gushed over her about the match, her goal, her assist, how well the entire team played as her Mom drove them to the pizza place. Tobin was asking Katie all about her tennis team and how she was doing in her matches, how Perry’s job was going in New York. Everything was fine. 

Everything was fine right up until the desserts were brought out. 

“You know, Tobs,” Katie says as she takes a spoonful of her gelato, “it was kind of shitty for you to just bolt like that last night.” 

“Katie!” Cindy scolds her. 

“What?” Perry questions, defending Katie, “It was.” 

“Well,” Tobin leans back, kind of prepared for this, but still hesitant about having to speak about it, “I’m sorry that I was freaked out by learning I was adopted.” She says, slightly sarcastically. “From Dad hitting me around earlier in the day and then that coming out, I felt overwhelmed and I panicked.” She looks at both of her sisters, “It’s one of my many anxiety issues.” She finishes coldly. 

“But, Tobin, don’t you see, that if you had stayed, we could have talked about it and it would have been better?” Perry urges her, looking at her earnestly. 

“Just stop it, both of you.” Their Mom orders, her voice stern but quiet. “This isn’t the time or the place.” 

“No, Mom,” Tobin nods, “it’s okay.” 

She sets her fork down, suddenly not having a taste for the tiramisu she had gotten. “Katie, Perry, please listen to me when I say this.” She says addressing them both, “Because I don’t ever want to say these things to you ever again.” She takes a sip of water. 

She leans forward in her chair, speaking quietly. “I may be wrong, but I don’t ever seem to remember either of you being ten years old and forced to run barefoot in the snow because you got the inside of a car muddy. I don’t recall you ever running sprints on hot days until you puked multiple times. I believe neither of you have experienced the joy of balancing heavy bricks and reciting Biblical verses and prayers until you felt like you would pass out.” She says, her voice low and clipped. “Tell me if I’m wrong if Dad ever intentionally bruised you or broke any of your bones. Set me straight if Dad ever sent you to a camp who’s goal was to change who you were by tying you up and suspending you for so long that your shoulder separates and that was after being drugged and starved for days. And do you even realize that it took me until the third week of September to be able to go to a team meal or a restaurant and not have to pop half a Zanax because I’ve been so traumatized by Dad’s behavior at dinner?” 

Katie and Perry are sitting across her from her, mouths slightly open, faces pale. Tobin glances at her Mom who is just looking down at her cup of coffee. 

She takes a deep breath to settle herself, making sure to keep her voice calm and low. “You two have, thankfully, never had to live my life, and never had to walk in my shoes. I love you and I respect you and I do value your opinions, but please,” she makes sure to look them both in the eyes, “please, don’t ever think either of you will know anything close to what I have gone through. I want your love and support, not you telling me how you think I should act. So, please, don’t push it.” She finishes quietly, looking back down at her dessert. 

The table is silent for a moment, all of them reflecting on what Tobin has just shared. Tobin glances up and sees the tears in Perry’s eyes and looks down quickly. She doesn’t want to intentionally make them feel bad, but she doesn’t know how else to get through to them. 

“I’ll be right back,” Perry says softly, her voice cracking and excusing herself and leaving the table. Katie follows seconds later. 

Tobin sighs, “I’m sorry Mom,” she says, feeling defeated and that she just made things much worse. Her foot begins to bounce, heel tapping the floor. 

Her Mom nudges her shoulder, “I’m so proud of you,” she gives her a sad smile as she wipes her eyes. 

“What?” Tobin is confused. 

“You handled that so well. They both needed to hear it from you.” Her Mom says as she nods. “I’ve tried telling them to be softer, take it slower, but they want to just bulldoze through all that has happened and they don’t understand how it affects you.”

“They needed to hear it from you.” She repeats, taking a sip of her coffee, “Has Dr. Robbins spoken to you about boundaries yet?” 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, a little,” she replies. 

“You just took a great first step at establishing some.” Her Mom says, nodding at her and giving her another shoulder nudge. 

“Do you think I said too much?” Tobin leans over to ask softly, “I mean, I didn’t want to make them super upset or anything, it’s just, they won’t let it go.” 

“They’ll get over it.” Her Mom assures her, “they’re struggling too with all of this in their own ways. They’ll figure it out.” Her Mom slips her credit card in the holder and returns it to the waiter. 

It’s then that Tobin sees her sisters returning from the restroom and heading back to their table. As they sit down, Tobin sees they both have flushed faces, their skin a little blotchy and eyes red from crying. They spend an awkward moment in silence until the waiter returns with the receipt and they all watch as their Mom totals the bill with a tip and signs it. As soon as she flips the small holder close, Katie pushes her chair back and stands. 

“Ready?” she asks nobody in particular, spinning to walk out of the pizza place. 

The others follow, Tobin last, beginning to feel that her speaking was all a bad idea, even though she really believed in what she said. They get in the car quietly, her Mom commenting how pretty this area is with the fall colors that are still showing a little in the dusk. 

After realizing everyone in the car can hear her foot thumping, Tobin puts her other foot on top of it to try and stop it. Her fingers are quickly rubbing almost painfully against her thumb. She closes her eyes for a moment and focuses on her breathing, not knowing that Katie is staring at her from her seat next to her. 

Perry finally flicks on the radio low to cover the silence, then asking their Mom if she finally had gotten her garage door fixed. Her Mom replies easily that she had someone come out and take care of it, although once she saw what he did, if it happened again, she was sure she could do it herself. 

She continued on to speak about her latest trip to Home Depot and the tools she had purchased. How her and a few other women from church were slowly assembling an impressive array of equipment and they were learning to tackle various home improvement projects to do themselves instead of waiting for their husbands or hiring someone to do the job. 

Their game plan was to learn as a group, usually consisting of an evening of watching Youtube videos while drinking some wine and taking notes. Once they felt they had some basics down, they were going to offer their services to the church community, particularly the elderly. 

“What happened to you taking some classes, Mom?” Katie asks, making Tobin flinch from being startled. If Katie noticed, she doesn’t say anything. 

“Oh honey, I am,” Cindy replies with a laugh, “I’m trying to decide between basic electricity or household plumbing.” 

“Proud of you, ma,” Tobin says quietly, sucking in another deep breath, she’s feeling calmer now. 

“Oh, sweetie, thank you,” she says, looking in the rearview mirror to give her a smile, “these women I get together with are wonderful. We’re thinking of a snappy name to call ourselves,” she giggles, “we might even get some shirts!” 

She soon turns into the parking lot of the hotel. Tobin grabs her backpack with her overnight items packed inside and exits the vehicle. 

As she walks toward the entrance, she hears Katie call her. 

She turns and sees Katie, her eyes downcast, “I didn’t mean to push and just throw it out there that Aunt Lori was your Mom,” she says softly, her voice barely above a whisper, “I just want you to get back to normal.” 

Tobin lets out an unintended laugh, “Katie,” she says apologetically, “I don’t think I’m normal nor will I ever be, but I know your heart was in the right place.” 

Katie finally meets her eyes, “I’m so sorry, she says, “I won’t push, I promise, I’ll give you space,” 

Tobin leans in for a hug, “Thank you,” she says, “This isn’t something that will magically just be fixed. To quote my therapist, ‘It went on for years and it may take years to get over.’” 

They begin to slowly walk again, side by side.

“And as far as I’m concerned,” Tobin says, “you are my sister and Mom is my Mom, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Katie agrees, a small smile crossing her face. They continue walking. 

“You played great tonight,” Katie says suddenly, “you were meant to play.” 

Tobin shrugs, “I love it.” She says simply. “Don’t you love tennis?” 

Katie shakes her head, “Not like you do soccer.” 

“Futbol.” Tobin grins. 

“You’re not Brazilian.” Katie shakes her head. 

“Maybe my birth father was,” Tobin jokes, “maybe that’s why I get such a great tan and aren’t as pale as you and Per.” 

Katie stops walking and just looks at her. “How can you joke about it?” 

“Too soon?” Tobin asks, seeing Katie nod her head. She sighs, “I’ve only had a few hours to think about this, but right now I’m feeling like, it doesn't matter who my Mom was. I mean, Mom is Mom. I mean, knowing now it was Aunt Lori and thinking of all the times we had together and she was there for my matches and birthdays and stuff, I knew she loved me. I felt it every time we were together. So, yeah, tis' a shock, but what does it really change? I have you guys as my family, right? Then I have my UNC team and they’re family, and the National girls, they’re my family too, so I guess, I feel like, family isn’t just blood, it’s who you surround yourself by and know you can trust and be yourself. The only thing is how Dad was about it.” 

“I guess I just can’t stop thinking that you’re just a fourteen-year-old kid anymore.” Katie shakes her head again.

“Well, my chest is the same size,” Tobin replies dryly. 

“Stop it!” Katie laughs, smacking her arm, “I’m trying to be serious, you dick!” 

“Ew!” Tobin wrinkles her nose, knowing she’s just egging her on now. Katie smacks her again. 

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Tobin pleads, rubbing her arm. 

“Listen,” Katie says, her voice suddenly serious, “I think, uh, I think I might need to find someone to talk to. About this. About how to be good for you and not pushy. And some other stuff.” 

“Kate,” Tobin says, stopping her feet. 

“I, uh, I” Katie stumbles over her words, “I just have so much guilt about it, you know? He did that stuff to you and why not me? Was it just really because you weren’t his kid?” 

“Well,” Tobin rubs the back of her neck, “from what he said, I believe that’s true.” 

“I’m gonna try, Tobin,” Katie sys, grabbing Tobn’s hand and squeezing it, “I can’t promise I won’t jump on you about stuff, but I’m gonna try not to, okay?” 

Tobin hugs her, “That’s all I can ask for.” 

“I love you, sis,” Katie says into her ear, making Tobin smile. 

“I love you too and I’ll see you at breakfast,” Tobin says, as Katie releases her. 

“See you,” she says and strides into the hotel, passing their Mom and Perry and going directly to the elevators. 

Tobin saunters in a few paces behind Katie, looking up and seeing Perry gesturing to her. She takes a deep breath and walks up to her, glancing to see her Mom going into the gift shop. 

“Hey,” Perry says softly. 

“Hey,” Tobin replies, unsure how to proceed. 

“You okay?” she asks her, concern evident on her features. 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods. 

“Katie can be a bit too much,” Perry states, “we both can be,” she shrugs, tilting her head a little and frowning. 

“Per,” Tobin protests, sighing heavily. 

“No, it’s true,” Perry says, smiling gently at her, “and I just have to remember that you’re an adult now, not just my little sister anymore. You’re a grown woman.” 

Tobin bites her lower lip, awkwardly shifting her weight. 

“I’m sorry,” Perry states sincerely, “I’ll do better. I promise.” She glances over Tobin’s shoulder and sees their Mom exiting the gift shop and approaching them. 

“That’s it.” Perry says, “We’ll talk more, okay? But for tonight, please know, I love you and I’m sorry. I just want you to be happy and whole.” Her voice trembles at the end. 

“Oh, Per,” Tobin says and leans forward to hug her. It's always easier for Tobin to talk with Perry. “I’ll see you at breakfast,” 

Perry squeezes her, “Yeah,” she says, pulling back from her and holding her at her shoulders, looking at her fondly, “have a good night with Mom, okay?” 

Tobin nods, “Love you,” 

“Love you, too,” Perry says, looking over as their Mom approaches, “Goodnight, Mom,” 

“Goodnight sweetie,” she smiles, glancing over at Tobin who is wearing a small smile on her face. 

Perry walks to the elevator, giving them a little wave when the doors open and she enters. 

Tobin faces her Mom, “Did you want to go the bar?” she asks her. 

“Tobin Powell!” Her Mom exclaims, scandalized, “You’re not legal to be drinking!” 

Tobin laughs, “I meant if you wanted to get a glass of wine to take up to the room!” 

“Oh,” 

“Your face was priceless!” Tobin laughs, holding a hand to her chest. 

“Oh, zip it,” Her Mother says humorously, “besides, I brought a bottle in the gift shop.” She holds her bag up. 

 

Once settled in the room, her Mom is pouring wine into her glass and Tobin sits on the bed, opening the little bag of sour gummy candy her Mom had brought her when she looks over at her. 

“So, Mom,” she says, “tell me about Aunt Lori.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're winding down, hoping you all recognize I'm trying to show how Tobin is slowly gaining more stability in her life, learning to control her issues and deal them with better. 
> 
> Thanks again for the comments and kudos- again, it humbles me that you take the time to do that. So, thanks. 
> 
> P.S. Just a teaser, but I think y'all are gonna love the next chapter! ;)


	12. Chapter 12

October 2006 

 

“Okay, hotshot,” Yael says good naturedly, grinning at Tobin, “can you do this?” she questions as she juggles the soccer with her feet, flicking it behind her, catching it with her bent knee and popping it over her head to catch it. 

Tobin watches carefully, seeing exactly what Yael is doing. They’re in the conference room before their pre-match meeting, a group of players gathered around watching the two perform these tricks. 

Tobin smirks and nods at the upperclassman, “I got this, yo,” she drawls, Yael popping the ball to her. She dribbles the ball, bouncing it off her feet, embellishing the moves Yael did, popping it over her head, catching it with her knee, then popping it back over only to head it a few times before kneeing it back at Yael. 

“Ooooh!” the group cheers, “You’ve got some competition Ya-Ya!” one of the seniors yells out. 

Yael nods and grins, “Okay, squirt,” she laughs and tosses the ball back at Tobin, “let’s see what you got.” She challenges. 

Tobin knows Yael a little bit through the National Team, they played on the U-21 team when Tobin was only sixteen. She had kept to herself a lot that camp, missing her friends from the U-18s and also being painfully shy. Her and HAO were pretty to cool to her, always trying to include her hanging out. They kept telling her that Tar Heels have to stick together after they heard Tobin mention that was where she wanted to go to school. 

Tobin grins at her, nodding her head, scanning the room, “Okay,” she says, “I need some room for this.” She eyes the small round waste can in the corner about eight feet away from her. Her teammates back up and give her plenty of space. Tobin drops the ball, dribbling it between her feet before popping it up and bouncing it off her knee, transferring it to the other one. Then she heads it five times, before catching and balancing the ball on the back of her neck. 

She lets the ball roll down, catching it with the back of her knee, popping it over her head, mindful of the low ceiling and falling forward to the floor in the prone position, then, without turning her head to look, back heeling the ball softly towards the waste can. 

They all watch as the ball circles the rim of the can, threatening to tip it, before dropping in. 

A loud cheer erupts as Tobin stands, smiling wildly and accepting high fives. 

“That was sick, dude!” Yael exclaims catching the ball from Ashlyn. 

Tobin just shrugs her shoulders and smirks at her. 

“Okay, here goes,” Yael announces, biting her lower lip in concentration as she begins. 

When she falls flat to back heel the ball, she doesn’t hit it true, sending it too high, bumping a ceiling tile and the ball coming straight down, hitting her on the head. She lets her arm spread out to her sides, laughing. 

When she gets up, her face is red from laughing, high fiving Tobin and pulling her in for a hug. 

“You almost had it,” Tobin says, trying to hide her smile. 

“I love how the ball hit you in the head!” Kling giggles, poking at Yael. 

“Alright, alright,” Yael says loudly over the laughter, “okay, Miss Fancy Feet,” she states, turning to Tobin, “how about Tuesday after practice we see how you do with some trick shots?” 

Tobin shrugs, “I’ll give it a go,” she says, “you wanna play HORSE?” 

“You’re on!” Yael agrees. 

“You should bet!” Whit encourages them. 

Yael and Tobin look at each other, both shrugging. 

“Next away game, loser has to carry their luggage and buy them road snacks.” Ashlyn offers. 

“Good for you?” Yael nudges Tobin. 

“Sure,” Tobin agrees, “I like sour patch gummies.” She smirks. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, squirt!” Yael laughs. 

“I don’t know, Yaya,” HAO shake her head, “I think the youth of today is creeping up on you,” she laughs. 

Coach enters the room, glancing around, “Okay ladies,” he announces, “if we can all take our seats, let’s get this meeting started.” 

“Coach!” Kling says excitedly, “Tobin just totally schooled Yael!” 

“Aw, come on,” Tobin says, growing shy, slowly walking towards the desks. 

“The rematch is Tuesday.” Jess smiles. “You should stay for it.” 

Coach grins, “I love watching a healthy competition.” 

The rest of the team take their seats, the noise level falling. 

“Okay, so, we know Duke is tough,” Coach begins, pulling up a video and breaking it down. 

 

 

“I’m just saying, I saw how she was looking at you,” HAO informs Tobin as they walk out of the Athletic Building after their team meeting and lunch, “she totally wants to hookup with you.” She’s referring to Sara who unexpectedly stopped by practice during the week, oogling Tobin but claiming it was for the school paper. 

“How would you know?” Tobin questions, “You’re straight.” 

HAO looks at her slyly, “She was looking at me just like Dave looks at me when he wants some,” she grins and wiggles her eyebrows at her, “lust has no gender.” 

Tobin swallows, thinking of the implications of it, wondering if she would want to just hookup. 

“Hey,” HAO says, bumping her shoulder, her voice softer, “have you, like, ever?” 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, I have.” 

“You cool about drinking?” HAO inquires, still looking at her intently. 

“Not my scene,” Tobin replies, “I’ll just probably have a coke or something,” 

“Don’t take drinks from anyone except your teammates or make them yourself.” HAO instructs, “The men’s team is cool, it’s the other douches there that could be sketchy.” 

“Okay,” Tobin agrees and nods. 

“Come and find me if you feel weird, okay? I’m just having a few beers tonight, I’m not gonna be wasted or anything.” HAO slaps her back, “Go nap and see you later.” 

“Later,” Tobin smiles, pulling on her strap for her backpack and walking off to her dorm. 

 

Casey isn’t in her room and Tobin doesn’t expect her to be. She’s off in another room, playing videos games before their match, it’s her thing. 

Tobin shuts her door, locking it, and kicks off her flip flops and falls into bed, thinking of what HAO had been saying. Maybe Sara does want to hookup. Does she want to hookup? She knows she enjoys sex. A lot. She rolls onto her back, settling in to get comfortable in her dimly lit room. She closes her eyes and thinks back to the summer and the last time she saw Alex. 

 

_June 2006_

_They spent the evening catching up on their graduation stories and then their teammates left the room at curfew and Alex went to the bathroom to change her clothes. Tobin is still on the bed, watching the TV as she flicks the channels with the remote._

_“You ready to go to bed, Tobs?” Alex calls out from the bathroom._

_“Eh, whatever,” Tobin replies, she’s not exactly tired yet. “Did you want to do something? Play cards? A game?”_

_“Yeah,” Alex replies, “something like that.”_

_Tobin looks up and her eyes bug out of her head, her mouth dropping open as she sees Alex emerge from the bathroom wearing a silky short white nightgown. She watches as Alex strides confidently to the door, twisting the lock and setting the chain. Tobin can see the bottom of her bare ass uncovered from the shortness of her nightie._

_She swallows, looking at Alex, making eye contact. “What, what do you have in mind?” she asks nervously._

_“I think we have some unfinished business from earlier.” Alex says, her voice low and raspy, her eyes looking at Tobin lustily._

_“Tobin,” Alex says as she approaches the bed, kneeling down and slowly crawling on all fours towards her, “do you know what a hookup is?” she asks her, her voice still low and sultry._

_Tobin nods slowly, unable to speak at the moment as she watches Alex slowly stalk up towards her. Her eyes grow large as Alex straddles her lap, leaning back to rest herself on Tobin’s thighs. Alex brings her hand to Tobin’s face, resting it softly along her jaw. She leans in and kisses her lightly._

_“Do you know what friends with benefits is?” she questions her._

_“Sorta,” Tobin whispers, her head spinning with desire. She watches as Alex leans in and kisses her again, this time it’s deeper, Tobin feeling Alex nudging her lips with her tongue._

_Tobin opens her mouth and begins to reciprocate. They kiss for a few minutes until breathing is necessary and Alex pulls back, her hand massaging Tobin’s upper arm._

_“It’s when friends have sex and they don’t let it change their friendship.” Alex explains, “since we live across the country, we just do it when we see each other, no strings attached.”_

_Tobin swallows hard, “Like, we wouldn’t date?” she asks, her voice wrecked._

_Alex smiles and shakes her head, “No, it would just be doing it because it’s fun and feels good.”_

_“But, what if you meet someone at school and start dating them?” Tobin questions, she wants to do this, she’s dreamed of doing this with Alex, but she doesn’t know if these are the terms she would want to do this with her._

_“Well,” Alex leans in again, kissing her lightly, now resting her hand on Tobin’s side, “we talk, so if we meet someone and we start seeing them seriously, we just stay friends,” she shrugs, “it’s easy.”_

_Tobin bites her lower lip, “You sure about this?” she looks at Alex carefully, wanting to be sure._

_Alex nods and kisses her again, harder this time, with a sense of urgency. Tobin pulls out from her gasping. “Wait,” she breathes, “what if, what if we start getting feelings for each other?” she asks, she knows she really likes Alex, but wants to know her answer._

_“It just wouldn’t be practical in our lives right now,” Alex replies, slowly moving her fingers along Tobin’s side, “we live on opposite coasts, we only see each other a few times a year, if we do this, we can have some fun and make each other feel good.” She leans in once more, kissing her gently, “Would you like me to make you feel good?” she questions, leaning forward to nudge Tobin’s hair away and gently suck on her neck._

_“Yes,” Tobin moans softly, “please,” she says, finally moving her arms to gently hold Alex as she continues to place kisses on her neck and collarbone. Her hands soon slide down, taking full grip of Alex’s ass, slowly grinding her hips downward into her own. She feels and hears Alex moan into her neck, “No hickies,” Tobin warns, sliding her fingers under Alex’s nightie, feeling her smooth skin, realizing she’s not wearing anything on her bottom._

_Alex pulls back, looking at Tobin with raised eyebrows, silently asking for permission as she takes the hem of Tobin’s shirt and begins to lift. Tobin gives her a nod, leaning forward from the headboard, lifting her arms, as Alex brings the shirt over her head. She then takes the band of Tobin’s sports bra, lifting it as well and flinging it on the floor._

_Tobin smirks at her, lifting her nightie and slowly taking it off, reveling in the view of Alex’s pert breasts, biting her lower lip as she gazes at them._

_“Slide down,” Alex urges, kneeling back as Tobin scoots down to lie flat on her back. Alex lays on top of her, slotting one leg between Tobin’s, keeping it away from her core, while she they kiss again. Their tongues twist as they explore each other, hands moving, reveling in the skin on skin feeling between them._

_They’re a little clumsy and awkward with each other, both wanting to move forward and neither making the ultimate first move. Alex finally realizes this and pushes her leg forward into Tobin’s core, slowly swaying her hips as Tobin moans softly at the sensation. Alex peppers soft kisses along Tobin’s neck before sucking on her collarbone, her hand left hand finding Tobin’s breast and massaging it._

_“Yes,” Tobin whispers, her senses struggling to keep up as Alex now moves down, her hand snaking towards Tobin’s inner thighs._

_Alex slides her two fingers through Tobin’s folds, slowly moving her hand forward and back, leaning in to kiss her neck and trail down towards her chest. She’s up on one elbow, dipping her head to tongue Tobin’s rock hard nipple, trailing her tongue around the edges._

_Tobin moans softly, moving her hips slowly, losing herself in the feeling. Alex keeps a slow pace, keeping Tobin on edge. The room is quiet except for their heavy breathing, each beginning to pant._

_“Move your fingers higher,” Tobin urges, feeling Alex circle her clit. “Oh, God, yes, right there,” she whispers, “don’t stop.”_

_Alex increases her pace, now alternating sucking and teasing Tobin’s nipple, she’s breathing just as heavy as Tobin._

_“Mmmm,” Tobin quietly moans with a slight high pitch, “faster, please, faster.” She’s rocking her hips into Alex’s hand, moaning softly with each thrust. Alex looks up to Tobin’s  
eyes shut, forehead creased, mouth open, covered with a sheen of perspiration. _

_It makes Alex moan, how amazing Tobin looks, she can’t keep her eyes off of her. She watches as Tobin suddenly arches her back, taking a deep breath and letting a high pitched moan quietly escape her lips. As Tobin crashes back onto the mattress, Alex feels Tobin’s hand on hers, stilling it, moving it away from in between her legs as she heavily pants._

_“Oh, fuck,” Tobin breathes out, her chest still heaving, “Lex,” she turns her head to face her, “that was so good.”_

_Alex smiles, a flash of pride showing on her face, “Good,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows, “I’m glad you liked it.”_

_Tobin wipes her forehead, clearing her throat, “I’ll be right back,” she says, sliding from Alex and going to the bathroom. She reappears soon after, stopping to grab a water bottle and tossing one to Alex. They both take long drinks and Tobin sits next to her._

_Alex looks at her, “How many times have you hooked up?” she asks Tobin._

_“Uh, just once.” Tobin relies, shrugging her shoulders._

_“Was it Chelsea?”_

_Tobin nods, “My last night back home, my Mom rented a couple of hotel rooms and my friends came over and we hung out. Chels, uh, she, uh, said she didn’t want me leaving for college a virgin.” She begins blushing._

_Alex’s eyes drop, “Do you still have feelings for her?”_

_“No,” Tobin answers quickly, “it was just a one time thing,” she says, “she’s going to school with her girlfriend.”_

_“So, did she do to you what I did?” Alex is curious._

_“Yeah,” Tobin smirks, “one of the times.”_

_Alex’s mouth drops opens, “One of the times?”_

_Tobin grins, “We didn’t really sleep that night,”_

_“Well, what else did she do?” Alex questions, only having gotten off once the one time she was with a girl the same way she just got Tobin off._

_Tobin eyes her hungrily, licking her lips, leans forward and gives her a light kiss, “How about I show you?” she asks, her voice low and husky._

_Alex shivers as she looks into Tobin’s dark eyes, seeing this new look, one of lust and wanting. She edges back towards the center of the bed, lying down and now watching as Tobin follows slowly, her eyes moving along Alex’s body._

_She half lays on Alex, bringing one hand to the back of her neck, raising her head to kiss her deeply. She slots a leg between Alex’s hips, slowly, rhythmically rubbing against her core. Alex lets a moan slip out into Tobin’s mouth as their tongues dance with each others._

_Alex soon feels Tobin’s fingers tracing around her left nipple, another moan escaping her. Her hips begin to move and the two set a slow rhythm. Tobin breaks away from her, dipping her head to feast on her neck, trialing kisses up and down and softly biting and then covering it with her lips, lightly sucking on it._

_She works down to her collarbone where her bites get a little more aggressive, the sucking more intense, her hand now firmly gripping her breast, squeezing it in time with her thrusts._

_Alex moans loudly, her fingers digging in to Tobin’s back._

_“Sssshhhh,” Tobin warns, “not too loud,” she says, bringing her head down trailing her tongue around Alex’s nipple._

_“Tobin!” Alex cries out, jerking at the sensation. She’s overwhelmed with desire._

_“Ssshhh!” Tobin repeats, “Be quiet,” she whispers._

_“Okay,” Alex breathes out, feeling Tobin’s fingertips dance along her stomach._

_Tobin feels powerful, proud that she’s making Alex lose control but she doesn’t want her to get too loud so the next room hears them. She’s thinking that whoever Alex might have hooked up with didn’t know the things that Chelsea did, didn’t do the same to her as Chelsea did._

_The night Tobin spent with Chelsea, she ended up screaming into her pillow as Chelsea overwhelmed her again and again._

_She smirks to herself as she takes Alex’s breast into her mouth, sucking hard on it, hearing another moan escape her._

_She bolts up, raising herself on her arms, twisting away._

_“What are you doing?” Alex cries out, her voice trembling._

_Tobin grabs the remote and flicks on the TV, SportsCenter now playing, filling the room with noise to cover their activities. “You’re being too loud,” Tobin whispers, smirking and settling back against Alex, “now,” Tobin says, rubbing Alex’s nipple between her thumb and index finger, “where were we, hhmmm?” she grins mischievously._

_She suddenly slides her hand down Alex’s stomach, sliding her two fingers through her folds, making Alex gasp. She moves quickly, circling around Alex’s opening, just teasing her entrance, making Alex writhe under her. Then she slowly enters her with a long finger, easing in, pausing to let Alex adjust to the feeling. Slowly, ever so slowly, she begins to move it back and forth, curling it as she nearly exits, Alex moaning softly at the sensation._

_She sets a steady rhythm, slowing down and then quickening her pace, feeling Alex shudder beneath her, then relax, she balances herself up on an elbow as she watches Alex’s face, eyes closed, mouth open, beginning to pant._

_Tobin adds another finger, slowly entering her, curling them all around within her, a whine coming from Alex’s mouth. She leans forward and they kiss as Tobin works her magic, feeling Alex’s hips moving. Tobin slides over so she’s got one leg in between her, using it to thrust her hand into Alex._

_“Tobin!” Alex breathes out, moaning, her hands finding Tobin’s ass and pushing them into her hips. They’re both breathing heavy now, Tobin’s rutting against her, getting worked up again herself._

_“Don’t stop,” Alex begs, one hand leaving Tobin’s ass and coming up to grip her pillow. She brings it the side of her head, pressing her mouth into it. Tobin can hear her muffled moans, she backs her hips up, giving her some space and slowly removes her fingers, now circling Alex’s clit at a furious pace._

_Alex brings her other hand up, using that as well to hold the pillow in place as she screams into it, her hips jerking, legs spasming, toes curling. She bucks as Tobin continues to ride her leg, feeling her own orgasm coming on as she watches Alex twisting beneath her._

_Alex freezes, her back arching, holding her breath into the pillow and then moaning into it as she slowly meets the mattress again. Tobin slowly stops moving her fingers, only needing one more pass along Alex’s firm thigh to feel herself jerk, biting her lip hard as she comes again._

_She collapses next to Alex, both breathing heavy, eyes shut, reveling in the feeling. Tobin can feel the bed twitching as the aftershocks overtake Alex, making her emit these little soft whines that make Tobin grow wet again._

_When their breathing finally returns to normal, Tobin opens her eyes to find Alex staring at her with a look of wonder on her face._

_“What?” Tobin questions, feeling satisfied and tired._

_“I just,” Alex shakes her head, “what I did,” she licks her lips, “oh, my God,” she says as she smiles._

_Tobin just looks at her with a small smile and raised eyebrows, “What’s that?” she teases, feeling even more confident that she may have just given Alex first real orgasm._

_Alex lets out a shaky breath, “That was amazing,” she smiles at her._

_“You’re right,” Tobin grins back at her, “it feels good and it is fun,”_

_“Uh, can I ask you a question?” Alex asks, raising her eyebrows._

_“Sure,” Tobin agrees, lying her head on the mattress._

_“Did Chelsea do that to you?” Alex asks quietly._

_Tobin licks her lips and nods, “Uh huh,” she smirks._

_Alex rolls to her side, “What else did she do?”_

_Tobin’s eyes widen, “Well, uh,” she says, not sure how to answer, “she, uh, she did this thing with her mouth,”_

_“Like what?” Alex asks, looking at her intently._

_Tobin yawns, “Like, how about I show you some other time?” she pleads, “It’s getting late and tomorrow is going to be tough.”_

_Alex sighs, “You’re right,” she says reluctantly, yawning as well. “I’ll be right back.”_

_Tobin is putting on a pair of shorts when Alex returns from the bathroom, going to her suitcase and pulling out a t-shirt and shorts as well. She turns out the light and slides in bed next to Tobin, pulling her close._

_“If I ever meet Chelsea,” Alex says stifling a yawn, “remind me to thank her.”_

_Tobin chuckles, “Yeah, okay,”_

_“I’m serious,” Alex persists, “if she taught you that, you’ll never have a problem getting laid,”_

_That comment leaves Tobin a little unsettled, she’s hoping this will be okay, hoping she can keep her growing feelings towards Alex contained. It’s now obvious to her that Alex is really only wanting to keep this very casual and there’s no room for something to happen between them. She knows Alex has a good point in that they are on opposite coasts, but she feels conflicted about the whole thing. But then, she thinks about Alex having her hands on her, how she made her feel and she smiles in the dark, shifting a little, sliding her leg over Alex’s and closes her eyes, sleep finding her quickly.”_

 

 

October 2006 

Tobin wakes with the lingering memory of Alex and the rest of their week together at camp back then. 

She glances at her clock, noting she still has over two hours before she needs to get up, turning onto her back. She lets out a breath and slowly lets her fingers slip under the waistband of her underwear, Alex’s face coming to her mind, being on top of her, touching her how she wants to be touched. 

She falls into a deep sleep after getting herself off, waking to her alarm and a healthy amount of drool on the side of her face. When she finally gets out of bed, she quickly makes it, flattening to comforter out and fluffing the pillows. In the back of her mind, she thinks that this party is pretty close and if Sara wants to hookup, she knows Casey will be at her boyfriend’s place for the night and she’ll have the room to herself. She feels relaxed and ready for whatever happens after. 

She jams to her game day playlist as she walks to the Athletic Building, ready for the match. 

 

“Your girl is here,” HAO nudges Tobin as they warm up. 

“Huh?” Tobin asks, looking around, spotting Sara halfway up the bleachers. They make eye contact and Tobin gives her a head nod, Sara smiles back and gives her a little wave. A smile breaks across her face and she gives her a quick wave. 

“Oh, you got it bad, dude!” Hao laughs, flicking the ball at her. 

“Shut up!” Tobin laughs, flicking it back. 

 

They win the match 2-1 with Tobin getting an assist and HAO and Yael scoring a goal. Sara meets her at the rail of the stadium seats, smiling widely down at her. 

“Nice game, stud,” she says, putting her fist out for Tobin to bump. 

“Thanks,” Tobin nods, “thanks for coming,” she says a little shyly. 

“You going to the men’s soccer party?” Sara asks, looking down from the stands at Tobin. 

She nods her head, “Yeah, I’m going with some teammates,” 

“I’ll be sure to find you,” Sara says, giving her a wink. 

“Oh, cool,” Tobin nods, “yeah, I’ll see you there,” 

Sara laughs at Tobin’s awkwardness, “Bye, Tobin!” Sara says, giving her a little wave and turning to climb up the steps to leave the stadium. 

Tobin turns to see HAO laughing her ass off, walking towards her, holding out a water bottle and squirting Tobin. 

“Dude!” Tobin exclaims, holding her hand up to block the water. 

“Gotta cool ya down, stud!” HAO laughs. 

 

The team meets at Jess’ apartment to pre-game, liquor bottles and mixers scattered around the counter tops. Tobin is sipping on a soda as she listens to Ashlyn telling a story about one of her teachers and his eccentric ways. 

Jess catches her eye and gives her head nod to come over near the counter. 

“What’s up, Cap?” she asks, looking around, reaching out and stacking some used cups on the counter and tossing them out. 

“How’s it going, Tobs?” Jess asks as she sips her beer. 

“Pretty good,” Tobin nods, reaching over to line up the bottles and twisting the cap on one. 

“Listen, we’ve never really talked about parties,” Jess begins, “you know not to take drinks from strangers, right?” The party tonight is the forst large one of the season. The girls had gotten together after their first home victory, but t was just the team. 

Tobin nods and smiles, touched by her concern, “Yeah, HAO gave me the rundown,” she comments, looking at her, “she also told me she’s not getting hammered tonight and I should come and find her if I start feeling weird about anything.” 

“Good,” Jess nods, slinging an arm around Tobin’s shoulders, “or come and find me, and if you’re going to leave early, don’t walk alone, even though it’s close to campus, alright? And text someone so they know where you’re at.” 

“Got it,” Tobin nods, giving her a smile, “I think it will be fun,” she adds. 

“Cool,” Jess smiles at her, “now, I don’t mean to get too up in your business,” she looks at Tobin carefully, “but please don’t be drinking if you’ve taken any of your meds, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin draws out the word, shaking her head and reaching to scratch the back of her neck, “I’m not really down to start doing that just yet,” 

“Mixing?” 

“Nah, drinking in general.” Tobin replies, making a small face. “Not judging though,” she clarifies, holding a finger up. 

“I know, squirt.” Jess smirks as she brings her beer to her lips and takes a long pull, smirking at her. 

 

Tobin is scanning the room as she enters the darkened the basement, music thumping loudly. A hand grabs her and she looks quickly, seeing Sara’s smiling face. 

“Hey, you!” Sara yells over the music, “I haven’t seen you all night!” 

“Just got here!” Tobin yells back, leaning forward to be heard. 

“Let’s dance!” Sara shouts, pulling Tobin’s hand into the sea of moving bodies. 

They dance for awhile, Sara pressing Tobin against her, Tobin bravely moving her hand down to grip Sara’s ass while she holds her drink with other hand. They dance for what seems like hours, both growing warm and sweaty in the dark, hot basement. They begin making out in the back corner and Tobin eventually pulls Sara’s hand through the crowd, up the stairs and into the kitchen. 

Sara grabs a beer and watches as Tobin fills a cup of water from the sink, her throat working to down the glass. 

Sara steps to close to Tobin as Tobin is filling her second glass. “You wanna get out of here?” she asks seductively. 

Tobin’s eyes go wide, bringing her cup to her lips, nodding and chugging her water and finishing it as her eyes crinkle from the grin she’s working against. 

She finishes her water, slams the cup down and grins at her, “My place is close,” she says quietly, taking her hand and pulling her phone out to text HAO. 

**Tobin: I’m leaving now.**

**HAO: oooohh, I see you, go get some Toby!!!!!!!**

Tobin looks up and finds HAO’s grinning face and she’s giving her a thumbs up as she leads Sara through the crowd. She raises her hand over her head to flip her off as they make their way to the door. 

 

 

“You’re really good, Tobin,” Sara comments as she’s putting her shirt back on, “you wanna give me your number if you want to get together and do that again sometime?”   
Is this how hookups work, Tobin wonders, grabbing her phone and entering her contact info. “Sure,” she says. 

“Cool,” Sara replies as she takes her phone back. She texts Tobin so she has her number. She leans down and kisses her deeply, “I have a thing for soccer players,” she smirks at 

her, “I’ll see you soon” she says, winking at her as she walks to door and leaves. 

Tobin sits up and grabs her phone, looking at the text Sara sent her. 

 

**Sara From The Newspaper: Thanks, stud!**

Tobin shakes her head as she rolls out of bed to find some clothes to put on and lock her door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. The beginning of Tobin the stud? Thoughts on Alex and the whole friends with benefits thing? 
> 
> Will be posting the final chapter in the next couple of days. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for sticking around-


	13. Chapter 13

December 2006 

 

“We’re gonna kick you asses next season,” Lauren smirks at Tobin as she walks up to her in the airport near the baggage claim. She’s referring to her team being beaten by Tobin’s during the College Cup. 

Tobin just holds out her arms as Lauren hugs her. “It’s so good to see you,” Tobin says softly, “I’ve really missed you.” 

“I’ve missed you, too,” Lauren says as she squeezes her tight and then pulling back, “How’s it going?” 

“It’s been going okay,” Tobin nods as they stroll towards the luggage carousel. “College is just so different, ya know?” 

Lauren smiles, “I know,” she nods her head, “for the better?” 

“Definitely!” Tobin laughs. 

The two still make time each week for FaceTime calls and exchange texts regularly. 

“So, have you met anyone special yet or are you still just hooking up with the ladies?” Lauren teases her, nudging her shoulder as Tobin reaches for her U.S. Soccer suitcase. She pulls it off the carousel and sets it on the ground as she shakes her head at Lauren. 

“Cheney!” she protests, even though she knows she’s being teased. “What about you?” she questions, her voice sarcastic, “How’s Jay-ruh?” 

Lauren slaps her arm, “It’s Jrue, like you drew a picture, idiot!” she says, a flush coloring her cheeks. 

Tobin is just wiggling her eyebrows at her. “We’ve only gone out, like, twice!” Lauren says, pushing her forward, “We have to go meet the van!” 

Tobin laughs as she stumbles, feeling so happy to be back with the team. 

 

It’s later that evening and they’ve just finished dinner. They had an afternoon meeting, went over the training schedule and the coaches even recognized the players that made the playoffs for their schools and congratulated them. Ashlyn, Whit, Tobin and Kling were greeted with cheers and good natured jeers for winning the title. 

Now, they’re back in Lauren’s room, A-Rod, Alex, Lauren, Tobin, Pinoe, Kling, Allie and Ashlyn, catching up and comparing notes about college life. Lauren showed them a photo of Jrue and told them about her dates with him. Pinoe discussing her adventures with the women on her campus, leaving their sides aching from laughter.

The conversation turned more serious when A-Rod asks Tobin about her dad. “Did anything happen after he came on campus and hit you? Was he arrested or anything?” 

“No,” Tobin shakes her head, “They saw on camera that he left. I guess they issued a warrant, it was on some security camera but they don’t even know where he is.” She replies. “My Mom doesn’t even know where he is. He’s officially banned from campus.” 

In that moment of silence that comes over the room, Tobin looks at them, “Uh, guys,” she says, “I’ve uh, I’ve kinda held something back from you with all of that. Ashlyn and Kling know, but I didn’t want to say anything until I felt I could talk about it and be okay with it.” 

Lauren drapes an arm over Tobin’s shoulder, “What is it, Tobs?” 

“Do you guys remember meeting my Aunt Lori?” Tobin asks them, “She was with my Mom that one time in Portugal for the Algarve Cup? When my Dad didn’t come?” 

“We went to dinner a couple of times, right?” Alex asks from across the room, she’s sitting with Ashlyn and Kling on the bed. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah,” 

“She was super cool!” Allie grins, “Wasn’t that the place that had the dancing in the restaurant?” 

The group nods as the memories come back. 

“She passed away last year, right?” A-Rod asks quietly and Tobin nods at her. 

“So, the weekend back in October, with my Dad,” Tobin explains, drawing up her knees and wrapping her arms around her shins, “it sorta came out why he treats me like does.” 

“Woah!” A-Rod exclaims, “Really?” she asks, her eyes wide. 

Tobin nods, “Turns out,” Tobin says, shrugging a little, “I’m adopted.” 

“What?” Alex exclaims, “You look just like your sisters!” 

Tobin nods and Allie catches her eye. “Your Aunt Lori?” she asks quietly. Tobin nods again. “Yeah,” 

“Holy fuck!” Lauren blurts, uncharacteristically swearing, “Tobin!” 

“Yeah, right?” She shakes her head. “She got pregnant her junior year of high school and my parents raised me. She was only seventeen when she had me, so they offered to take me.” 

“Tobs,” Kelley says, her voice breaking. 

Tobin looks at her and give her a sad smile, “I kind of freaked out hearing that.” 

“When did this all come out?” A-Rod asks, her concern evident. 

“Uh,” Tobin gives glances around, giving them a wry look, “the day my Dad hit me around.” 

Lauren leans herself forward, pulling her up knees as well and balancing her elbows on them and holding her head in her hands. Kelley rubs her forehead as she sighs, looking down. A-Rod keeps looking at Tobin, tears streaming down her face, Alex has a similar reaction. Allie and Pinoe are looking away, lost in thought. Ashlyn and Kling look at their feet. 

Ashlyn and Kling heard about everything after dinner, Tobin seeking them out with Casey and HAO. They sat in Tobin’s room, listening while she stoically told them what had happened after the match. They were impressed how calm Tobin as she spoke, only learning later that she had taken a Xanax to steady her frayed nerves. 

Tobin took them for a few days after learning that, Casey would enter their room sometimes to find Tobin curled on the floor crying. It took her over a week to regain a sense of normalcy. Ashlyn made sure she saw Doc during that time, walking her to her appointment and being there when she got out. 

Tobin was insistent about not telling anyone, she wanted to be able to talk about it before anyone else knowing. That’s why the group assembled hadn’t heard this yet. 

“It just kinda puts so many things in place, you know?” Tobin adds, “it all kind of makes sense now.” 

Tobin answers a few of their questions, mostly asking how she felt now that she knew. They asked if she had seen or heard from her Father since. Pinoe asked her if she felt safe with here, knowing her Father was out there somewhere, wondering if she thought he would try to see her again. 

Tobin shrugs at that, “I really don’t know,” she says, “I mean, the Security guys here know his face and he’s barred from being around us, so I guess I feel pretty safe.” 

The questions dwindle down and Allie suggests they play cards until curfew. The end the night laughing and joking, the gravity of the early part of night lifted. 

 

Tobin clicks the lock on the door, turning inward to the room, looking at Alex as she rummages through her suitcase. 

“Lex?” she calls out softly as she steps towards her, seeing Alex lift her head up to look at her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Tobin says, reaching up and scratching her neck, “I just, I needed some time to figure how I felt about it,” 

“I get it,” Alex says, nodding, “you had a lot going on.” 

Tobin sighs and sits on the edge of her bed, looking down, bringing her hand up, taking her hair tie out and running her fingers through her hair, “I was kind of unstable for a little bit.” She states quietly. 

Alex sits down across from her on the edge of her bed. 

“I did notice you weren’t texting me as much,” Alex comments quietly. 

Tobin sighs, “I wasn’t texting anyone, really, for a while there.” She admits. “I talked a lot with my Mom, she explained how everything happened. She answered all my questions. It was just hard to wrap my head around sometimes.” 

“How’s it going with your sisters?” Alex asks quietly. 

“Better,” Tobin shrugs, “we’re talking more now.” 

They’re quiet for a moment. 

“I knew you had a lot going on with school and soccer,” Tobin states, “I know you were struggling a bit. I didn’t want you to be worrying about me.”

“I can understand that,” Alex replies, “but I also don’t want you to not talk to me because you think I’ll worry. Of course, I’ll worry, you’re my best friend and best friends should worry about each other. It’s a give and take and I don’t want you holding back from me, okay?” 

Tobin leans forward and takes Alex’s hands, gripping them lightly. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about this. But, it was also kind of one thing I just wanted to get through kind of by myself. Like, Doc was amazing, and so was my Mom, but I read a lot, and I thought a lot and I kind of feel like I grew up a little from it, you know?” 

Alex nods as Tobin squeezes her hands, “You’re my best friend and I would never intentionally hurt your feelings.” Tobin says earnestly, “I think I learned that sometimes I need to just be quiet. Think by myself and once I can get myself grounded, then I can talk about stuff. I think it comes from being alone so much when I was little.” 

She clears her throat, “I kept so much inside when I was a kid, because I never felt I could talk about what was going on, you know? So, I think I handle stuff internally a lot.” 

Alex nods, biting her lower lip as she listens. 

“I promise though,” Tobin says, “I’ll do better, I mean, I’ll let you know that I have things I’m thinking about, and I’ll always talk to you once I figure it out.” 

“Okay,” Alex smiles at her, “okay.” 

 

The next day, Dawn and the fitness team put them through the ringer with a multitude of skill testing. After coming back to the hotel and then eating lunch, everyone was looking forward to some down time and relaxing before their afternoon workout. 

Alex lies with Tobin as they nap, curled into her side as they sleep. 

A tough scrimmage session, showers, ice baths and then dinner and everyone is tired. Hardly anyone is hanging out, between being tired from their day and the additional time change catching up with some of them, Alex and Tobin find themselves alone in their room for the night. 

Tobin flops back onto her bed, arms out, eyes closed. “Oh, does this feel nice,” she murmurs. 

Alex kicks at her leg as she passes her, “Get up and get ready for bed, no passing out.” 

Tobin moans out, not moving. Alex shivers, beginning to feel a little horny. She goes to the bathroom, washing off her makeup and performing her nightly routine. 

When she comes back into the room, Tobin has the TV on, pulling a shirt over her head. Alex can see her bare back, her muscles flexing as she slides the shirt over them. “Bathroom’s yours.” She says quietly as Tobin nods and heads toward it. 

When Tobin reenters the room, Alex is standing before her, holding the TV remote in her hand. Tobin recognizes the look she’s giving her. She smirks, “What’s up, Lex?” 

Alex flicks the remote, raising the volume a little. She steps forward towards Tobin, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her in. Tobin can feel Alex’s breath on her neck, “I want to make you scream into your pillow tonight.” 

“Is that so?” Tobin smirks at her, Alex looking up at her. “I think you’ll be the one doing the screaming.” 

Alex shakes her head as she smiles at her, “I don’t think so, Heath.” 

“So competitive, Morgan!” Tobin laughs as she leans in to kiss her.

 

It’s the last day of camp and Tobin has been quiet. Whatever her and Alex have been doing is okay, she feels well sexed and well rested, but her mind is troubled. She’s not sure this hookup thing is right. She’s not sure how to talk to Alex about it, but to her, it just seems like every time they have sex, it just gets better and better. Like, mind blowing better. 

Alex is adamant that the team shouldn’t know, they should keep this to themselves. Tobin can’t help her growing feelings for Alex though. Could they make a long distance relationship work, she wonders. Would Alex like to try to make it work. 

She’s brought back to what’s going on around her as Ashlyn flicks a French fry, hitting her in the face. 

“Yo, Tobs, off in dream land again?” she snickers and the group at the table laugh. 

“Yeah,” Tobin comments, taking a sip of her iced tea. 

“Everything cool?” Kelley asks, wondering is she’s okay. 

“Oh, yeah,” Tobin says quickly, realizing they’re all looking at her. “Yeah,” she nods, “I was just thinking about the surfboard my Mom said she’s getting me for Christmas.” She smirks. 

“What?” Kelley screeches, “No way!” 

“Dude!” Ashlyn exclaims. 

They quickly start chatting about how they should get together and surf over the holiday break. Soon a plan is made for Kelley and Ashlyn to come to Tobin’s house for a few days to train and surf. 

“Yo, Lex?” Tobin asks, nudging her shoulder, “You want to blow some air miles and come too?” 

Alex gives her a quick smile, “I’m not sure if I can, I’ll check with my Mom and let you know, okay?” 

“Cool,” Tobin grins, hoping she would come. 

 

January 2007 

 

Tobin watches as Ashlyn and Kelley’s vehicles pull from the driveway, tapping their horns as she waves at them. It had been a fun week, filled with a lot of laughs, exploring Tobin’s new town, surfing, and training on the beach. 

Alex had told Tobin her Mom had her doing a lot of things during break and wouldn’t be able to get away. She was disappointed, but she understood. Before Ash and Kel arrived, Tobin’s Mom had her cleaning, doing yardwork and organizing her bedroom. 

While the girls were together, Tobin’s Mom took it upon herself to give them some cooking lessons after realizing none of them really had any skills. With all of the trainings and soccer matches, school work and small social lives, the three young women never really took part in cooking as youngsters. 

There was much laughter in the kitchen as Cindy explained and held up different pots, pans and utensils, quizzing the girls. Ashlyn and Kelley teased each other mercilessly as Tobin tried her best to keep breathing through the hilarity. 

It was a wonderful time and quickly became a precious memory to each of the three girls. 

That night, Tobin sees a post on Facebook posted by Alex of her out with some guy. After lying awake for an hour, unable to slow her thoughts, Tobin gets up and takes a sleeping pill. She feels unsettled. 

 

 

March 2007 

 

It’s about ten in the morning on a Friday and Tobin is just shutting down her computer in the Student Center when she feels a tap on her shoulder. 

“Yo, Tobs,” Ashlyn greets, sliding into the cubicle next to her, “what’s going on?” 

“Sup?” Tobin greets, “Just finished up in here and heading out.” 

“I was wondering if you wanted to get a coffee or something,” Ashlyn offers, shrugging her shoulders. 

“I’m down for that,” Tobin grins, “where do you want to go?” 

They skate over to a shop just off campus, getting their coffees and sitting outside. 

“So, what’s goin’ on, Ash,” Tobin asks, “you seem a little,” she shrugs, “off? Down?” 

“Eh,” Ashlyn shrugs, playing with her cup, “I don’t know, since the season’s been over, I’ve just been thinking about stuff, you know?” she looks up at Tobin. “I mean, I’m really starting to wonder if I will ever get a shot at the National Team, you know?” 

Tobin leans back in her chair, her head tilted as she looks at Ashlyn intently. She slowly leans forward. “I think,” she says quietly, “you are experiencing some off season let down, my friend.” 

Ashlyn snorts, “Really? That’s the best you can come up with?” 

“It’s a thing!” Tobin defends, raising her hands, “I get it myself.” 

“Bullshit.” 

“It’s true.” Tobin points at her. “The season ends, we won the Cup, everything is awesome, then it’s back to the grind. Lectures, homework, papers to write, presentations. There’s no outlet. During the season, soccer is what gets me through all this bullshit. Do you think I went to college to learn a fucking skill?” 

Ashlyn jerks in her seat, not used to hearing Tobin swear. 

“I came here to play soccer.” Tobin states heatedly, keeping her voice low. “If I gotta jump through the hoops of being a student athlete, that’s fine. But,” she points again at Ashlyn, “doing the work, the school bullshit, in season we get to play. We get Game Day. We let loose. Now we don’t. Sure, we kick it around, but it’s not the same.” 

Ashlyn squints at Tobin, letting what she said sink in. She sighs, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table and take a sip of her drink. 

“Maybe you’re right.” She says with a shrug of her shoulders. 

The two are silent for a moment. 

“What do you have going on for the rest of today and this weekend?” Tobin asks suddenly. 

“Nothing,” Ashlyn shrugs. 

Tobin stands up, “Let’s go!” she says, kicking her board under her foot. 

“Tobin!” Ashlyn yells as she leaves the table, “Where are we going?” 

Tobin slows down so she can catch up, “Pack a bag, we’re going on an adventure. We’ll come back on Sunday.” 

“Where?” Ash yells from behind her, skating as fast as she dares. 

“I don’t know yet!” Tobin glances back with a grin. 

“What should I pack?” Ashlyn yells, kicking her board. 

“A little of everything! And a bathing suit!” Tobin laughs. 

At their building, Tobin takes the stairs, charging up them, “Come to my room in an hour,” she commands Ashlyn who just grins and heads towards her room. 

Tobin is on her phone, her fingers flying as she texts. As her original plan gets hijacked for the better, she hears a knock and a smiling Whit is at her door, bag slung over her   
shoulder. Kling, standing on her toes is also peering over Whit’s shoulders. 

“Dude!” Whit greets, entering the room, Casey is gone with her boyfriend for the weekend, that’s where she usually stays. 

Tobin texts Casey, letting her know where they are going away for the weekend. “Pretty rad, right?” she grins back at her. 

“Totally!” Whit agrees, sitting on Casey’s bed. 

“Why do I feel like we’re sneaking out or something?” Kling asks as she laughs. 

“I know!” Tobin wiggles her eyebrows and laughs. “It just got even better,” she says, smiling widely. “HAO should be here soon,” she nods, moving to her dresser and beginning to pull some clothes from it. 

 

Ashlyn leans on Tobin’s doorjamb, peering in suspiciously. “So, what’s the plan?” she questions. 

Tobin turns from Whit and looks over, giving her a grin, “Well, it’s kind of changed from the original idea, but now it’s even better!” 

“Well, what the Hell is it?” Ashlyn demands, raising her vice a little. 

Tobin’s phone goes off and she looks at it. “HAO will be downstairs in five.” She announces, stuffing the remainder of her clothes in her pack, making sure to take her wallet and keys. “Let’s go!” 

They file out of the room, Tobin locking her door, and then make their way to the lobby, going outside to wait for HAO to pull up. 

HAO pulls up with a wicked grin on her face, music blaring from her SUV. The girls clamor in, Tobin sitting in back with Kling and Whit, letting Ashlyn take shotgun. 

She turns to HAO, “Where are we going?” she demands. 

HAO holds her fist up for a knuckle punch, “Surfing, dude,” 

Ashlyn’s mouth drops open, connecting her fist with HAO. Kling and Whit let out yells as Ashlyn twists in her seat to look at Tobin, who is just smiling at her. 

“Dude,” Ashlyn says softly, tilting her head at her. Tobin just smiles wider and looks out the window. 

HAO explains that her aunt and uncle have a place on Nag’s Head and let her go anytime she wants since she’s been in school. They get on Route 64 and head east, jamming out to loud music and having a great time. 

They stop to eat lunch along the way and then stop at a small grocery store before they get to the island, stocking up on some food and drinks. The weather was on their side, the sun shining bright, the temperature in the low seventies. 

HAO drives through the surf side town, showing the girls the cool places to eat and check out and then pulls her vehicle into the driveway of a quaint two story cottage that is right up against the beach. 

“This is awesome!” Tobin exclaims as she closes the car door, looking around. 

HAO grins, “Yeah, this place is pretty sweet.” 

The five grab their bags and the groceries, following HAO up the small porch and entering the cottage. 

“I call dibs on an ocean view!” Kling exclaims as they look around the living room. 

“That’s fine,” HAO laughs, “there’s three with ocean views up there, you guys can take them.” 

“Should we put this stuff away?” Tobin questions, lifting the bags in her hands filled with food.

“Yeah, kitchen is this way,” HAO leads them down a short hall to an open style kitchen. It’s not very large but has a table that seats eight on the right side. There’s a small island separating the area of the table and the where the actual kitchen is and that’s where Tobin places the bags. She shrugs off her backpack, setting it on the floor near the far wall. 

The others put the bags there as well, Ashlyn lifting the case of water she was carrying. 

“Why don’t you guys go pick your rooms?” HAO suggests, “I’ll take care of this,” she gestures to the groceries. Ashlyn and Kling bolt from the room, shoving each other to get to the stairs first, teasing about getting the best room. Whit just rolls her eyes at Tobin and HAO and then follows them. Tobin lingers, beginning to unpack a bag. 

“Do you come here much during the school year?” Tobin questions as they work together. 

“Eh,” HAO shrugs, “in season, only once or twice when we get a long weekend off,” she says as she puts a case of beer in the fridge, “but now, I try to come once a month, if I can.” 

“This is so nice,” Tobin says as she looks around, “thanks so much for offering, I think the change of scenery will be good for us all.” 

“Post season blues,” HAO murmurs as she gets a bowl from a cabinet, handing it Tobin to put the fruit they purchased in it. 

“That’s kind of what started this,” Tobin comments, walking to the sink to rinse off the fruit. 

“I figured,” HAO replies, “it usually hits the freshmen harder.” 

“So, it gets easier?” Tobin asks from the sink as she washes the apples. 

“Yeah, a little.” HAO replies, now putting all of the bags into one plastic bag. “I mean, with call ups, that helps, you guys don’t have as many as we do, especially it being a World Cup year for us.” 

“Dude,” Tobin says, walking back to the island, sliding a hand on HAO’s back, “I am so excited for you.” 

“Well, nothing is in stone,” HAO shrugs, “yet.” 

They both look to the ceiling, a loud thump drawing their attention. They hear Whit’s loud voice, telling the two to knock off whatever they’re doing. HAO shakes her head and then looks at the clock. “We still have time to rent some boards and wetsuits, want to hit it?” 

“Absolutely!” Tobin exclaims, “I’ll tell those guys to get ready.” 

 

Ashlyn lets out a loud belch after downing her beer. “That felt good!” she exclaims happily, her eyes slightly glazed, feeling a great buzz. She reaches into the cooler at her side to open another. 

“Such a pig,” Kling laughs, holding her can up, “cheers, bitches!” 

Ashlyn, Whit and HAO raise their beer bottles up, Tobin lifting her water bottle. “Cheers!” they say in unison. 

They are circled around a fire pit on the small patio. 

“How can you not be wearing socks?” Kling elbows Tobin. They’re all wearing hoodies and sweatpants, all still chilled from being in the water. 

“I hate socks.” Tobin shrugs. 

“Dude!” Ashlyn laughs, “You hate shoes, too!” 

Tobin smiles, “Yeah, most of the time,” she agrees. 

“HAO,” Whit calls out, “tell us what it’s like on the National Team.” 

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nods, “what’s it like playing with Kristine Lilly?” 

“Is she cool? Is she nice to you? Does she talk to you?” Kling persists. 

HAO laughs, “Everyone’s cool on the team,” she says with a shrug, “it’s fine.” She looks at them, “I mean, I’m one of the youngest ones there, so, us newbies, we kind of stick together, but everyone’s cool for the most part.” 

“What do you mean ‘for the most part’?” Kling leans forward. 

HAO slumps her shoulders and frowns, looking at them. She takes a swig of her beer and leans forward. “Okay,” she says, nodding, “You want to really know what it’s like?” she asks, scanning all of their faces, “It’s like, everything is super structured, when to eat, when to sleep, when to train. And training is hard, but it’s so good. But then there’s a lot of politics going on right now. A lot of the veterans, it’s like they’re still trying to be the team from ’99, ya know? And they’re trying to push everyone to do things the way they want.” 

She takes another drink from her can. “It goes against Coach’s philosophy, so it causes some turmoil.”

“Sounds like an identity problem,” Tobin murmurs, sticking her feet out, closer to the fire. 

“Exactly!” HAO agrees, pointing at Tobin with her beer can. “And they’re like, trying to get everyone to buy into what they want, so it’s like picking sides.” 

“It sucks,” Whit states quietly, “my last club team was just like it. The Coach was from my high school, the vets from other schools thought he was playing his players too much and tried to get him ousted. The whole season sucked. The vibe was awful, players were fighting with each other, letting egos take over. It was awful.” 

“Do you think it’s going to get like that on the National Team?” Ashlyn asks, “Going after players?” 

HAO shrugs, “I don’t think so,” she takes another drink, emptying her can. “But I just have a feeling that it’s going to get worse before it gets better.” 

They all contemplate that while they watch the flames dance up from the logs. 

“How do you handle it, HAO?” Tobin questions quietly. 

HAO accepts another beer from Ashlyn, “Well,” she says, popping the top, “I’m lucky that I’m so new to the team.” She says, swallowing some beer, “They really haven’t really approached me yet, but it’s no secret what’s going on.” 

Kling stands up, “This is so depressing,” she says, “It’s like finding out your favorite rock star is a jerk.” 

“Yeah,” Ashlyn sighs, finishing her beer. 

“I’m going on to bed,” Kling announces, “I’ll see you guys in the morning.” 

“Yeah,” Whit agrees, standing up, “I’m heading in, too. Goodnight guys,” 

“Goodnight.” Tobin, HAO and Ashlyn say in unison as the two leave the patio. 

Tobin grabs the long stick and pokes at the fire, moving the embers around to keep it going. 

“I wonder if it’s even worth trying to make it.” Ashlyn says quietly. 

Tobin raises an eyebrow, looking at Ashlyn. 

“It totally is, dude.” HAO states. “You’re playing for your country.” 

“No offense, but I think it’s just different for a goalie. They don’t exactly carry as many as middies.” Ashlyn says, her voice low. 

HAO nods, “I know what you’re saying, none taken,” she says easily, leaning back in her chair, “but think of it this way: Scurry’s on her way out. She’ll probably go to the World Cup but as back up. Solo and Barnhart are in their mid-twenties. Solo is getting the most starts right now, and she probably will for a while. Most goalie’s primes are in their mid- to late-twenties and early thirties. You work your ass off and be there to fight. The third spot is yours to push them, the position is theirs to lose. And also,” she points her can at   
Ashlyn, “anything can happen. Injuries, a player falling out of favor, whatever.” 

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” Tobin adds quietly. Ashlyn and HAO nod in agreement. 

“Thank God it’s not sprinting!” Ashlyn laughs, then grows serious. “I never thought of about it that way.” she admits. 

“I guess that’s one of the things I have learned playing with them,” HAO states, “I just take it as a gift. Every call up is a gift. So, I go and play my hardest for them. If I keep getting called up, awesome. If not, I work as hard as I can to get back up there. It’s their choice, not mine and I just play the game I love the best I can. And I have no doubt, one day, the three of us will be playing up there together.” 

Tobin eyes them, then raises her water bottle, “To futbol.” 

They grin at her, “To futbol!” 

 

When Tobin finally settles into her bed later that night, she reflects on what HAO had said. She was happy that Ashlyn felt better about things, but she herself realized that her and HAO shared the same philosophy about the National Team: every call up was a gift. That’s why she works so hard, that’s why she trains so much. That was one of the reasons why she was in such great shape this off season. The passion for the game, the pride in playing well and the longing for the call up. It was like an addiction to her. She craved it.   
She knew Alex had been struggling with those same doubts that Ashlyn had a few months ago. She wasn’t happy with her play, not clicking with her middies, and felt it would reflect on her status for call ups. 

 

_December 2006_

_“Tobin, please?” Alex begs, flopping down on her bed, “please just transfer and then you can feed me balls to score.”_

_Tobin flops down next to her, “I can’t do that, Lex,” she says, “and if you haven’t noticed, UNC is pretty decent, yo.”_

_“Ugh!” Alex laments, covering her eyes with a forearm._

_“In fact,” Tobin continues, “you should transfer there and then we’ll totally win for the next three years.”_

_“I hate you right now,” Alex whines, “they just don’t connect with me,” she says, “Coach says it’s on them, I’m making the runs, but they just don’t have the same vision of the field like you do.”_

_“That stuff takes time, Lex,” Tobin says softly, “it takes a while to click with a forward that’s as unpredictable as you.”_

_“It took you, like, a minute.” Alex scoffs._

_“Well,” Tobin laughs, “maybe your middies just aren’t as awesome as me,” she laughs._

_“Not helping, Heath.” Alex says flatly, her voice monotone._

_Tobin sighs, then she sits up and leaves the bed. She goes to her suitcase and digs around, finding the small rectangular box and drops it on Alex’s stomach as she sits on the bed._

_“What’s this?” Alex questions, opening her eyes and grabbing at it. She sits up and turns to Tobin, “We said no Christmas gifts!”_

_“It’s not a Christmas gift,” Tobin shakes her head, “Open it.”_

_“No.”_

_Tobin slumps her shoulders, “Come here,” she gestures and Alex moves to sit across from her, both sitting cross legged._

_“I know it’s been hard,” Tobin says gently, “I know you’re super frustrated,” she nods her head, “but I know you’ve got it in you. You can adapt to them, you work with them longer, take extra practices, talk to them.”_

_Alex nods, her eyes downcast._

_“You’re a superstar,” Tobin says, “you have high expectations, you push yourself, you push everyone around you for greatness. You push me to play my best for you.”_

_“I’m not a superstar,” Alex shakes her head._

_“You’re my Superstar.” Tobin says, taking Alex’s hand, squeezing it and letting it go. “Open it.”_

_Alex sighs and slowly unwraps the small package. She raises an eyebrow when she sees the box. She opens it to reveal a thin gold necklace with a small gold, five pointed star._

_“Tobin,” she whispers, looking up at her._

_“You like it?” Tobin asks nervously, unsure of her reaction._

_“I love it!” Alex smiles._

_“I just thought,” Tobin says slowly, “I just thought, that if you wore it, it might remind you of all the greatness in you, and when you’re doubting yourself, you can feel it and know you have it in you. You have the talent, the skill, the dedication.”_

_Alex wipes a tear from her eye, “Thank you so much,” she says, leaning forward and embracing Tobin, hugging her tight._

_“It’s like the star they put above the crest when you win a World Cup.” Tobin whispers, “One day, we’re gonna be the ones getting a star on those jerseys.”_

_“Do you really think so?” Alex whispers, sniffling a little._

_“I do.” Tobin says, “One day.”_

 

Tobin rolls to her side on the bed, smiling to herself. She can just feel it in her bones that one day she will put on the jersey to represent the USA. She doesn’t know when that time will come, but she just can feel that certainty. 

She knows she’ll have to work even harder, make it so that the coaches can’t help but notice her and would be silly to not pick her. It strengthens her resolve to be more serious about soccer and start to buckle down on the other areas she needs to learn more about. To honestly assess her playing, view her strengths and weaknesses and work to improve those areas. But also look at her fitness level, her lifting regiment, her nutrition. She knows she skates by on those areas. She’ll need to improve herself. 

She thinks maybe she should sit down with Coach Dorrance and have a talk. He used to coach the National Team, he would be honest with her. He would give her good advice. 

A calm washes over her as she listens to the muffled wave of the oean, slowly beginning to drift off, she’s feels like she’s just set the cornerstone of a new foundation to her life: making the National Team. 

 

The End of Act One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it: the end of the first act. 
> 
> Thank you very much for sticking around, your kudos and comments, as always, are so very much appreciated. 
> 
> I'll be taking a short break for the next few weeks to get some other, non-writing projects completed. 
> 
> I've decided that there will be another story from the Good for the Spirit world. An idea jumped into my mind and has stuck around. So, once I get that fleshed put a bit, I'll be posting that. 
> 
> After that, it's a toss up between a second story from Losing and Gaining or from the Devastation world. If there's any interest, I'm open to hearing your thoughts on which one you might like to see. 
> 
> Hoped you enjoyed this-   
> MT


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